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The Borgification of Voyager
Director's cut
episode 1 of 1.00001
a parody (you're kidding!) by Matthew Sharpe
PROLOGUE
[The three burning blue spitballs... er, Quantum Torpedoes track Cochrane's
warpship and move in for the kill]
Borg Queen: [smiling] Watch your futures....[the torpedoes come within
inches of their target and suddenly swerve away]....not quite end?!
Data: [standing ready to smash the plasma conduit] Resistance is futil.
Borg Queen: [still shocked] That's futile. The "i" is pronounced with a
longer sound.
Data: Are you sure?
Borg Queen: I'm pretty sure. I could check if you want me to. Say it
with me, Data. Futile....
Picard: [stamps his foot] Can we get on with it?
Borg Queen: Of course. Where were we?
Picard: Data was about to kill you.
Borg Queen: Right. Data, you were about to.... kill me?! What?!
[Data smashes the glass containing the plasma. Picard climbs up the warp
core to avoid the plasma, making weird monkey noises as he goes.]
Borg Queen: Well, shoot. [screaming, she liquefies and seeps into the
carpet, making a lovely rose colored stain in the shape of Abe
Lincoln's head. Only her metallic skull and spinal cord remain.
She begins shrieking] I'll swallow your soul! Swallow your soul!
Swallow your soul!
Picard: [jumping down] Swallow this. [stamps on the Queen's skull and
crushes it flat] You did it, Data! You stood up to the Borg queen
and saved humanity! You did it!
Data: Did what?
Picard: And your memory circuits didn't get damaged as I feared they would!
Data: Of course not, Mommie. I do not have any memory circuits.
Picard: Let's go.
Data: [smiling happily] Come on, Zeke. We have to stay with Mommie.
[The two leave. Unbeknownst to the two of them--well, Data knew, but he
forgot-- the Borg Queen had sent a message to the Borg in the DeltaQuadrant. Conveniently faster than radio,
yet conveniently slower than subspace radio, so that the Borg would receive
it, coincidentally, just as our heroes on Voyager were passing by....]
A long time ago in a galaxy far far... well, okay. About 370 years from
now in the Delta Quadrant....
STAR
TREK
Episode 25.6 Voyager Takes on Gamora.... I mean, The BORG tm
It is a period of boredom. Kazon warships, striking from their
hidden bases, have won few victories against Voyager and have finally given
up. Or so the Germans would have us believe. As for the time being, this
plot will take about 70 years to develop, and by then, Voyager will be home
anyway.
However, this will soon change, because unbeknownst to the hopeless.
.. er, heroic crew of Voyager, a new challenge awaits them nearby. Because
300 years earlier, a battle for Earth's present had been fought and won.
Lord Vader, obsessed with finding young Skywalker, has sent
thousands of probes to the far reaches of the galaxy...
Narrator: Hello, this is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard 7947 flight
368, nonstop service to the Delta Quadrant. We expect to land in
about 3,465 years, and the weather will be a balmy 108 degrees
celsius or so. If you feel hungry, we have 3 million bags of
peanuts in the hold, so don't hesitate to ask. Seat backs and tray
tables, yada yada yada. Here we go!!! Stay tuned for your in-
flight movie. And I suggest you watch this, because the only other
movies we have are National Geographic documentations.
[Cut to outer space. A shadowy craft creeps by over head. And it creeps, and creeps, nice and
slow. Nice and slow. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Right? I can't take it any more!
Speed up. Speed up! Speed up speed up speed up!!! Dammit, you're to slow! Aw, I'm taking
a nap.]
[Three hours later, the ship is fully visible. And it's, it's... really boring. It's just a dumb old cube.
Monkeys have built better spaceships with Legos. Anyway, it releases several small probes
which shoot off into the far reaches of space.]
[Meanwhile, on the frigid, barren, lifeless rock known as Alpha Kabuki Nicto Zali Zali Prime, a
survey group from Voyager is searching for new forms of plant life, just for the hell of it. Present
are Torres, Kes, Neelix, and two unusual nameless redshirts, who I might remind the writers of
Voyager are in short supply]
Torres: [kicking a mound of snow] Well, this is productive. There isn't enough plant life on this
planet to fill a shuttlecraft.
Ensign #1: The sensors are in place, you will know if anything comes by.
Torres: What sensors? We're leaving the system in an hour.
Ensign #1: What? Our system in what sensors are leaving an?
Torres: Try again. Our ship is going away in an hour.
Ensign #1: In a try, our away is going to ship hours.
Torres: [sighs] That's close enough. [mumbling to herself] Damn Pakled foreign exchange
student.
Ensign #1: Pakled. I am a Pakled. When do we go? I have to go. Can you make me go?
Torres: Don't tempt me. I'll beat it out of you.
Ensign #1: [shuts up]
[Pakleds are a technologically advanced, yet mentally and verbally inferior race. For instance:
"Jane sees Spot run" would become "The dog goes" and "Deactivate the autodestruct" would
become "Make it not go boom." However, some more advanced Pakleds can manage an
intelligible sentence from time to time such as Ensign #1's first line.]
[A meteorite smashes uneventfully into a distant rock.]
Neelix: [to Kes] Look, sugarbear, did you hear that?
Kes: [shivering] Neelix, you know how it embarrasses me when you call me by those names.
Neelix: Sorry, honeybuns.
[Kes, about to throw an Ocampa temper tantrum, which is rivaled only by that of a Klingon, is
interrupted by Ensign #2, who is becoming agitated and sniffing the air, whimpering the whole
time.]
Neelix: What's the matter, Ensign #2? Smell something?
Ensign #2: Grrrrrr.... [points toward the probe... er, meteorite.]
Neelix: I think he's trying to tell us something, hotlips.
Kes: I think, for once, you may be right. B'Ellanna, I think we had better investigate this. I have
a feeling.
Neelix: I don't know if we should. Uh, I've, uh, heard some stories, you see, about diseases
contracted from space debris. Should we check it out? I'm incapable of autonomous
decision making.
Torres: Of course we had better investigate. It's in the Starfleet handbook. Part 3, act 4, scene
2, paragraph 1, subsection c, "In all situations where it is possible and even probable to
contract and spread a dangerous and exotic virus, by all means do so, so I can find an
impossibly rare cure, giving way to a plot to find it." Apparently, this passage was
written by Leonard McCoy.
Ensign #1: How you remember?
Torres: Don't know. [glares menacingly at the Pakled] Why you speak?
Ensign #1: [shuts up again]
[Suddenly, Ensign #2 snaps free from his leash, apparently having gnawed through it while
attention was elsewhere. He runs toward the impact point of the meteor. Ensign #1 chases
him, stumbling twice and just plain tripping three times. Slow in the head, slow in the body.]
Torres: Dufus. He'll get himself killed. [Neelix grins, Kes frowns] Or worse. [a pause] He'll get
us killed. [Neelix frowns. Kes continues to frown.]
[Suddenly, a mechanical zombie appears near the meteorite and swats Ensign #2 aside. He
then picks a hapless, whimpering Ensign #1 off the ground, re-enters the meteorite, which was
really a probe that actually looked nothing like a meteorite to begin with. The probe powers up
and shoots anticlimactically skyward.]
Torres: Dammit. He got himself killed, and when the Borg assimilate him, they'll find us and kill
us.
Neelix: Gee, sucks to be you. I got a ship of my own. Babycakes and I can leave at any time.
Good luck.
Kes: We're not leaving.
Neelix: Of course we're staying. Whenever it gets tough, it's, "Neelix, we're staying." But when
the explosions stop, it's time to go. Ocampas. Heh.
Kes: Talaxians. Heh.
Torres: Let's get the hell out of here.
Kes + Neelix: Klingons. Heh.
[On board Voyager, in orbit of the planet.]
[The menacing Borg cube floats slowly across the screen, growing larger and larger.]
Kim: [whining loudly] Captain, I've seen this before!
Janeway: [stands and turns to look at Kim] What?
Kim: [with dread in his eyes] I've seen this before. It's a rerun! Change the channel! Change
the channel!
Janeway: Tuvok, report!
Tuvok: Huh? Oh. [puts down his paddle ball and yoyo] It's true. We have experienced this
phenomenon on several occasions.
Paris: Too many, if you ask me.
Janeway: I've had enough lip from you, Mr. Locarno.
Paris: Sorry, maam. And it's Paris.
Chakotay: She said that's enough, Mr. Locarno.
Paris: Paris! I'm Tom Paris! I haven't been Nick Locarno since fifth or sixth season of TNG!
Not since that therapy I went through! [glances fearfully at Tuvok, who pounds his hand
with his fist. Paris begins to cry]
Janeway: [also looks at Tuvok, but she grins] That's right. I forgot. Tuvok, nice job.
Chakotay: Where can we get new TV footage?
Kim: Sensors indicate a wormhole opening to the Alpha quadrant just ahead.
Tuvok: We are receiving radio signals known as television waves.
Bridge crew: [cheers] A way home!! A way home!!
[Kim, embarrassed, realizes that he was cheering "New TV! New TV!"]
Paris: Setting a course.
Janeway: Excellent thinking, Mr. Locarno.
Paris: Paris!
Janeway: Is everyone on board?
Paris: It's the capital of France!
Chakotay: Not yet, there are people still on the surface of Alpha Kabuki Nicto Zali Zali Prime!
Janeway: Janeway to whoever is on the surface, get the hell up here and I mean NOW!
Torres: --Torres here, we have a problem!........--
Janeway: What happened?
Torres: --I, uh, dropped my communicator.--
Janeway: So pick it up!
Kim: The wormhole is closing!
Janeway: We have to go now! Prepare for emergency beam out.
Torres: --Whoops, dropped it again. Slippery fella.--
Janeway: Torres!!!
Torres: --I'll just bend over and pick it up. Neelix, quit throwing snow, you little hyena! Look
what you did! Now you've gone and knocked me down!-- [cackling laughter in the
background]
Janeway: That's it! Transporter chief, get them up here.
Chakotay: Uh, we, uh, don't have a transporter chief.
Janeway: Auuughh!!! @%#$&!!! Tuvok!
Tuvok: [stands still and looks at the captain, confused] Oh, the transporter. I suppose it would
be logical for me to go operate the transporter.
Janeway: Please do.
Tuvok: Excuse me. [leaves the bridge]
Kim: Estimate two minutes until the wormhole closes. [secretly watches a new episode of
Family Matters and begins chuckling]
Tuvok: [re-enters the bridge] Captain?
Janeway: [Screams] Deck 12! The transporter room is on deck 12!
Tuvok: Yes sir. My apologies.
Janeway: Don't apologize, just do it!
Tuvok: Do what?
Janeway: [screams again] Chakotay, go beam them up!
Chakotay: [starts for the turbolift] Uh, I don't know how.
Janeway: I'll walk you through it, just go!
Chakotay: Okay. [leaves the bridge]
Tuvok: Highly illogical.
[One minute and fifty seconds pass. The crew is now all aboard and Mr. Locarno-]
Paris: Paris!!! The city!!! Paris!!!
[Yes, well, Mr. Paris engages the impulse engines. Voyager shoots forward and misses the
wormhole by a painfully small margin.]
Paris: Damn. Forgot to carry the 1.
[He turns the ship around and tries again. The bridge crew begins to chant "Nick, Nick, he's our
man, if he can't do it, then it was too damned hard in the first place!" To the dismay of the crew,
a small probe dings the hull, sending Voyager off course. The ship misses the wormhole and it
closes. The bridge crew is crushed. Metaphorically, I mean.]
Janeway: That did not just happen. [voice filled with disbelief]
Tuvok: On the contrary. Sensors indicate it did.
Janeway: Security, take Tuvok to the brig on counts of being too damn literal.
Tuvok: Most illogical.
[The others from the away team enter the bridge.]
Janeway: [to Torres, Neelix, Kes, and Ensign #2] You just cost us a clean 70 years.
Kes + Neelix: Humans. Heh.
Torres: I know we suck royally, Captain, but the Borg probe is getting away!
Janeway: Borg?!
Chakotay: Borg?! [accidentally hits the intercom switch with his oversized forearm]
Bridge crew: Borg?!
[Voyager lays in a pursuit course. As they engage warp, the voice of every conscious crew
member shouts the word.]
Voyager crew: BORG?!
Kes + Neelix: Borg. Heh.
Kim: Uh, Captain, I think you'd better take a look at this.
Janeway: What is it?
Kim: Urkel just trashed a convenient store without even trying!
Janeway: I'm going to have Tuvok plan some more hours of therapy for you. I think you need it.
Kim: [crying] I'll be good, I'll be good!
[Voyager shoots after the Borg without further incident from our friend, Mr. Kim.]
END OF EPISODE 25.6
A long time from now, in the Delta Quadrant....
STAR
TREK
Episode 25.60001 THE DEATH OF A QUEEN
Plagued by yet another hopelessly doomed shot at returning home, the crew of the
U.S.S. Voyager is forced to cope with their strong emotions while in pursuit of the Borg probe
carrying the captured Pakled known as Ensign #1. Only time and therapy [Tuvok allows himself
an uncharacteristic grin] will tell if they can ever recover from their misplaced hopes.
Little did they know, that news of the battle for the present was about to reach them.
Nor did they know what it would mean... [ominous music here]
[Janeway had been staring at Chakotay's tattoo for about five hours. Kim had watched ABC's
TGIF lineup as well as NBC's Must See TV. Twice. Each. Chakotay was conferring with his
spirit guide, a rare form of fungus. Locar-- sorry, sorry. Paris was clipping his fingernails. The
Borg ship had played a strategic game of chess with the crew of Voyager. No matter what they
tried, it outmaneuvered them. It had checkmate in thirteen moves.]
Torres: Wow. This time the Borg probe beat me in only 8 moves! I must really stink!
Bridge Crew: [sniffs the air] Nah, that's just Chakotay.
Chakotay: [waking from his narcotic induced vision quest-- the colors! the colors!] I heard that!
And I can still turn this ship around, and we'll go straight home. And then there'll be no
Borg for any of you!
Bridge Crew: [whining] It was all Harry's fault! He started it!
Torres: Nice going, Starfleet.
Kim: Shut up, Maquis! [blows her a kiss. She winks back.]
Strange Voice: Warning! Warning! Aliens approaching!
Chakotay: Harry, I thought I told you to shut off the TV, or at least stop watching Lost In Space!
It's so depressing! Can you imagine the life they lead?
Kim: Actually, I can kind of relate. But sir, the TV isn't on!
Chakotay: Then who was that?
Janeway: It was me. Why?
Chakotay: [snickers] Your voice just sounded really, really masculine.
Kim: I didn't notice it being any different than usual. At least not any more different than usual.
Janeway: Was that a compliment?
Kim: No.
Janeway: Wasn't sure.
Paris: Sharp as a basketball, sir.
Janeway: We'll discuss your demotions later. As for now, the Borg probe is slowing down.
[Sure enough, the probe drops out of warp and stops along is older brother. A tractor beam
connects the two and the smaller one is brought into the Borg cube.]
Janeway: We have to beam over to the Borg ship.
Chakotay: Wait. Uh, why are we even here? I forgot.
Janeway: They have Ensign #3!
Kim: His name is Ensign #1.
Janeway: Yeah, whatever. Don't correct me again, Pedro.
Kim: Uh, my name is Harry.
Janeway: A likely story. Take him away.
[A security man walks over from out of nowhere and takes Kim by the arm.]
Security Man: Uh, sir, the brig is full. We'll just lock him in sickbay with the doctor.
Janeway: I like how you think, Security Man. You're promoted.
Security Man: Really?
Janeway: Yes, really.
Captain Security Man: I am hereby taking command of this vessel as a Starfleet captain....
Janeway: [glares] You just think about that. [stares ice cold at him]
Captain Security Man: ....until you get back from the Borg ship. [having just enough intellect to
forget about Harry in those few seconds of heated conversation, Captain Security Man
lets him go. Harry resumes his post uneventfully.]
Janeway: Good. Paris, [Tom smiles] I mean, Locarno [Tom frowns], Neelix, and Kes, report to
the transporter room.
Doctor: --Captain, please turn to your emergency holographic channel.--
Janeway: No thanks, I don't need to see your ugly mug for communication.
Doctor: --Captain, I am disappointed by my apparent uselessness to this story.--
Janeway: What can I say? You're a useless kind of guy. Fine, you're on the away team.
Doctor: --Thank you sir. Where are we going again?--
Janeway: You don't want to know.
Doctor: --Of course not. I'm only a doctor. I don't have to know anything.--
[Janeway, Paris, Neelix, and Kes materialize on the Borg cube, flanked by two security men.
They activate the EMH portable hologram generator and groan as the doctor winks into
existence]
Janeway: This way. [points]
Paris: [holsters his phaser and consults his tricorder, then points in the opposite direction]
Actually, what's his name is this way.
Janeway: Just testing you. Come on.
[As they walk, they pass numerous sleeping Borg. One looks startlingly like Elvis. Suddenly, all
the Borg begin having seizures. On board the Voyager, the cube begins to shake convulsively.
This is it. The news has arrived. Chakotay takes control of the human ship, sending Captain
Security to act as transporter chief, just in case someone decided to get mortally wounded and
needed an emergency beam out. But what are the odds of that ever happening? Chakotay
opens communications with Janeway.]
Chakotay: Something's happening.
Paris: --Tell me, were you born this bright?--
[The Borg ship begins cutting into Voyager like so much swiss cheese]
Chakotay: We're getting the crap shot out of us, Captain! Tuvok, fire phasers! [when nothing
happens, Chakotay looks over to Tactical. It is empty.] Where the hell is Tuvok?
Janeway: [in true Homer Simpson fashion] --Doh!!!--
Torres: [in engineering] --If this doesn't let up, our secondary bypass couplings for the main
intercooler relay will become fused!--
Chakotay: I have no idea what you just said, but it can't be good!
[Suddenly, the Borg cube discontinues firing]
Chakotay: [triumphantly] Yeah, that's right! See what you get?! [whispers to Kim] What the
hell just happened?
Kim: [shrugs] I dunno. Receiving a signal. It reads:
thequeenisdeadthequeenisdeadthequeenisdeadandthatisall.
Borg voices: [heard over comlink with Janeway] --The queen! Protect the queen! Wait, she's
already dead! You let her die? I didn't "let her die", she's 70,000 lightyears away!
Sure, uh-huh. The queen is dead? The Queen is dead?! THE QUEEN IS DEAD?!--
All Borg: --THE QUEEN IS DEAD?!--
All Voyager: THERE WAS A QUEEN?!
[Tuvok, in the brig, hears the commotion]
Tuvok: Apparently, there was a Borg Queen. The bridge crew most likely is hopeless without
my logic. I believe it is time to break out of the brig. No, wait, not yet. [a pause] Now.
[Tuvok calls over a guard.]
Tuvok: Let me out.
Yellowshirt: No.
Tuvok: Fine day, yes?
Yellowshirt: The birds are chirping.
Tuvok: Indeed they are, and the blue eagle flies at midnight.
Yellowshirt: Okay, you know the code language. Now say the secret word.
Tuvok: The secret word.
Yellowshirt: You're free to go. [lets down the force field]
Tuvok: [raises an eyebrow] Flawlessly logical.
[On the Borg ship]
Voice: I don't feel so good. Wait. I said "I". Noooo! Nooooo! Painful ghastly individuality! It
burns! It burns! I'm melting! Melting!
Different Voice: I'm all shook up! Rockin' around, the Christmas tree!
Third Voice: Shut up, 3rd of 676532, you're giving me a headache.
Fourth Voice: Help me! Help meeee! I can't walk five feet on my own power, I'm constantly
getting in the way, I'm becoming senile and I've forgotten how to go pippies!
Janeway: Neelix, that last comment was uncalled for.
Neelix: Sorry, Captain.
[A drunken sounding Borg hobbles up to one of the redshirts and makes a grunt. His Borg
drinking pal walks over to translate.]
Borg # 1: He doesn't like you.
Redshirt: I'm sorry.
Borg # 1: I don't like you, either. You just watch yourself. We Borg have got the death mark in
12 systems.
Redshirt: I'll be careful.
Borg # 2: Grrrrr....
Borg # 1: You'll be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Strength is irrelevant.
Redshirt: Can I start killing, now?
Janeway: Wait just one damn minute. [turns to confer with the others about finding the Pakled-
you know, important things like, should they find him? Should they even be trying?]
Redshirt: Okay. [he patiently watches his chronometer] Time's up.
Janeway: What? [turns to see a Borg head explode into a million gooey pieces] I didn't mean
to literally wait one damn minute. I was speaking figuratively.
Paris: Well, crap.
Kes: Let me guess. Now we die.
Neelix: Feel up to it, sweetcheeks?
Kes: Not really. Although I won't be missing out on much of my life. I am already two.
Doctor: Fortunately, as I can make myself intangible, I will be unharmed as I watch all of your
horrific and torturous demises one after another.
Paris: Kind of sadistic for a doctor, wouldn't you say?
Janeway: Nice knowing you all. Especially you, Nick. I'm glad you straightened out.
Paris: Thanks, I guess.
Redshirt: I have not yet begun to fight. [shoots a Borg, which explodes very nicely. And another
goes pop in front of his eyes. Then they adapt] Okay, okay, no need to hurt me! I just
now evolved beyond the need for violence. Um, help?
[Countless Borg run over carrying heavy assimilation machinery. First they use a Flowbee to
clear the hair off of redshirt's head. Then they attach the machinery and presto! He is Borg.]
[A new borg approaches. Paris panics.]
Borg: You will be assimilated....
Paris: Look, man. You got it all wrong! I don't even know these assholes!
Borg: ...but first, I have come to take you to our new leader. We call him "MUGTWAINE"
Away team: .......
Borg: [sighs] I believe you called him Ensign #1.
Janeway: I'll handle this. Look, I'm gonna be the one giving orders here. And I say that you are
going to take us to the one we call Ensign #1.
Borg: [blinks in light of Janeway's apparent idiocy] Have it your way. Follow me.
Janeway: No, you walk in front of us. Hands where I can see 'em.
Borg: Fine. [takes off his prosthetic arms revealing hands] Happy?
Janeway: Peachy.
[As they approach the Borg area of meeting, Mugtwaine's voice can be heard.]
Mugtwaine: From now on, Borg will search for things to make us go. If we are broken, we will
fix ourselves. We are strong. We are smart.
[The words sent an icy chill down their backs as they became able to see the Borg leader.]
Janeway: [in her most suspenseful voice] It's Ensign #1. He's been.......assimilated.
[suspenseful music here]
Paris: Ya think?
[Meanwhile, on Voyager.]
Chakotay: [twiddling his thumbs] Twenty bucks says they've forgotten completely about us.
Kim: No bet here.
END of EPISODE 25.60001
Once again, in the Delta Quadrant....
STAR
TREK
Episode 25.699999 The End of the Borg.... Well, these Borg, anyway.
It seems that the misguided rule of the assimilated Pakled, Mugtwaine, has prompted
the Borg to adopt an individualized form of existence. Within minutes, rural communities as well
as recreation facilities and shopping centers have been formed. There's even a traveling circus
and several bars and pubs. But will the peace last?
Borg: [to Janeway and co.] You will now be assimilated.
[Guess not.]
Janeway: Uh, okay. Just wait a sec. [turns her back to the borg and calls Chakotay] Beam us
out of here! [Borg approaches behind her] Now would be a good time, Chakotay! [Borg
grabs her from behind] Chakotay, NOW!
Chakotay: --Uh, Captain? We can't beam you out through the Borg electromagnetic field.--
Janeway: Crapola.
Chakotay: --We're sending help. Someone call Western Union... Just kidding, we're sending
B'Ellana and Harry over in a shuttlecraft.--
Borg: Come with me. [takes Janeway away. The others follow.]
[On board the shuttlecraft Hopelessly Lost, still in the shuttle bay, which is about the size of a
small closet.]
Torres: You filled her up with high octane, right?
Kim: Uh, sure... [scratches the back of his neck, passing over a small, wormlike gill, and
laughs maniacally... just kidding]
Torres: Good.
[The craft lifts off and moves out of the shuttlebay at a blazing speed of 15 miles per hour.
Torres looks expectantly at Kim.]
Kim: Sorry.
[On the bridge.]
Chakotay: [watching a motionless shuttle on the screen, he tells Tuvok, who is now present,
having maimed three crew members in his daring run to the bridge, to open hailing
frequencies] What are you two doing?
[Kim and Torres appear on the screen. Kim has lipstick smudged on his collar.]
Kim: We're, um... [hesitates, then tells the truth] We're parking, sir.
Chakotay: [sighs impatiently] As multifaceted as your relationship is, you are on an important
mission! It will have to wait.
Kim + Torres: Yes sir.
Torres: [catching her breath] What was the mission, sir?
Chakotay: FIND THE CAPTAIN!!! Oh, and those other guys hanging around with her, if you
can.
Torres: Oh, yeah. [engages full impulse. The engines struggle and backfire twice. Then they're
off.]
Chakotay: Idiots. One hundred and forty- odd crew members, and they're all idiots.
Guy at Ops: Especially the Captain! [the entire bridge crew, with the sole exception of Tuvok,
breaks out laughing. Chakotay falls out of his chair.]
Chakotay: [wiping the tears out of his eyes] Awwww, now I gotta pee. But seriously, I don't
think the Captain would appreciate that.
Tuvok: Sir, sensors indicate a new vessel entering the area.
Chakotay: Let's see it!
Tuvok: Hmm?
Chakotay: [grumbles] On-Screen. [the viewscreen shows a Kazon warship approaching fast]
Klingons!
Guy at Ops: Kazon, sir.
Chakotay: I see. Isn't that what I said?
Guy at Ops: No, you said Klingons.
Chakotay: Kazon!
Guy at Ops: Klingons.
Chakotay: Klingons.
Guy at Ops: No, you said Kazon!
Chakotay: [smiling] Good, then we agree.
Guy at Ops: No, we don't.
Chakotay: We don't have time for this! Tuvok, conduct an investigation.
Tuvok: Yes sir. [produces a magnifying glass, seemingly from nowhere, and begins combing
the bridge]
[The Kazon ship, of course, fires immediately once in range.]
Chakotay: Why the hell are they firing at us?
Guy at Ops: They hate us, sir.
Chakotay: Oh, yeah. [to Tuvok, who is analyzing a hair follicle] Tuvok, raise the shields and
open hailing frequencies.
Tuvok: [disappointed] My investigation is not complete.
Chakotay: Then I confess, I said Klingon.
Tuvok: Ah-hah! [silently retakes his post and hails the Kazon vessel]
Chakotay: This is Commander Chakotay of the starship Voyager.
Kazon Commander: Hey, Chakotay, we've got your kid here, and we're gonna kill 'im!
[someone plays a rim shot]
Chakotay: Really? [wisens up] Hey, you're trying to trick me! Well it won't work! Well, not
again!
Kazon Commander: No, seriously, though. Anybody here from out of the sector tonight? Good
evening, ladies and germs. [another rim shot] Guy walks into the doctor's office--
Chakotay: [claps twice, closing communications with the Kazon] It's obvious that they cannot
be dealt with in a civilized manner, and being an Indian, I'm neither qualified for, nor
interested in negotiations. Tuvok, blow them up!
Tuvok: Sir, the shuttle has reached the Borg electromagnetic field.
Chakotay: Oh. Well, we can still blow the Klingons up later, right? Right?
Tuvok: Of course we can, sir.
Chakotay: Good.
[On the shuttlecraft Hopelessly Lost.]
Torres: The secondary moisture vaporators and binary loadlifters have failed! We're going to
crash! [Kim screams] Hey, Starfleet, I was just joking! [Kim looks shaken] Hey look!
No hands! [Torres takes her hands off the control panel. Kim faints.] Starfleet? Harry!
[While B'Ellana's attention is elsewhere, the shuttlecraft actually does crash into the Borg cube,
and lodges itself in the side of it. The two emerge and follow the yellow brick road to the
Captain and crew. They find them in the assimilation center just beyond the amusement park.
One Borg is preparing to attach a fixture to Janeway's eye.]
Torres: [wielding a big-ass phaser rifle] I'm afraid you're going to have to leave.
Borg Physician: Who the hell are you?
Torres: Name's Torres. Housewares. And this is my BOOM stick! [showing her phaser rifle]
That's right. Starfleet's top of the line as of two years ago! Retails for about $109.95,
and since you no longer act as a collective, cannot be adapted to! [fires, taking a chunk
out of the Borg]
Janeway: [standing up] Are you sure they can't adapt?
Torres: Not really. I hope not.
Janeway: I see.
[Mugtwaine suddenly appears, flanked by about twenty Borg.]
Mugtwaine: [looking at the dead Borg] He is broken. [pointing at the good guys] Make them
broken!
[The Borg charge at them. Torres charges her rifle. The Borg charge away.]
Borg: Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!
[Soon, it's just the crew from Voyager and Mugtwaine. B'Ellana trains her rifle on Mugtwaine, to
keep him submissive. Then, she and Harry are brought up to speed.]
Paris: We need a way to destroy the entire ship at once. Any ideas, Harry?
Kim: Don't ask me, I'm just here to try and throw my reputation for being a wuss.
Paris: Good luck.
Torres: I have an idea.
Janeway: Good. Because I sure don't.
Torres: Watch this! Mugtwaine! The sensors are malfunctioning!
Mugtwaine: What? Malfunctioning the are sensors?
Janeway: I understand. Mugtwaine! Destruct activate auto the!
Mugtwaine: What? Activate the auto-destru--- Wait! You are smart. But I am smart, too.
Janeway: Damn.
[Just then, Mugtwaine tenses up and releases a fart.]
Doctor: [consulting his med tricorder] Captain! Apparently Borg farts are composed of the
waste, namely the methanogenic compounds, consumed in their feeding activities,
which are, of course, controlled through the wall sockets they plug into. Also, they are
highly flammable.
Janeway: Meaning?
Doctor: Meaning, if we sabotage the galleys, the entire ship's complement will simultaneously
fart, releasing the equivalent of eighty billion pounds of napalm uniformly across the
ship!
Janeway: [smiling] Don't follow.
Doctor: We can blow them up.
Janeway: Good thinking. But how do we sabotage the food services into making a food that
causes severe gastro-intestinal distress?
[Everyone turns to look at Neelix.]
Neelix: What?!
Janeway: I knew there had to be some reason I invited you along on this mission.
Kes: You can use your Super Hot Mon Cal Chili to defeat the Borg! I'm so proud of you!
Neelix: Thanks, Snagglepuss. I mean, Snugglebunny.
Janeway: It'll be dangerous. Some of you may not return alive. Locarno, Redshirt # 2, you're
with Neelix and Kes. Oh, and take the doctor along for a walk, will you? The rest of us
will stay here.
Paris: Gee, thanks.
Janeway: And Nick, I'll have no more daredevil stunts, you hear?
[The doctor, Neelix, Kes, Paris, and Redshirt # 2 set off for the galleys. They have to stop and
ask for directions at a gas station, but eventually, they make it.]
Paris: Hey, did you ever think it's funny how most ships just have nameless ensigns, but we
have nameless ensigns and a nameless doctor?
Doctor: That's not entirely true. There was that Vediian woman who insisted upon calling me
"Schlameel."
Paris: True.
Kes: Look, we've arrived. Neelix, go work your gaseous magic!
[The Borg galleys are much like on Voyager. It seems that in order for a meal to be distributed
throughout the ship, a sample must first be prepared. Neelix goes to work.]
Neelix: Let's see. 5 grams of plutonium, 8 drops of liquified kryptonite, a dash of corbomite, and
one human heart.
Redshirt # 2: What?
Neelix: Just kidding. And the final touch. [clips his fingernails and drops the clippings in] Viola.
[Suddenly, Redshirt # 2 fires his phaser and vaporizes a nearby Borg.]
Paris: [angrily] Why did you do that?
Redshirt # 2: [impatiently] He flicked me off.
[Suddenly, Borg from all over begin impaling themselves on the away team's phaser fire. Then,
inexplicably, they adapt even without their collective, just for the sake of drama.]
Neelix: [jumping forward, he hacks a Borg to death with a butter knife] Peeeuuuu, and I thought
they smelled bad on the outside. The food distribution program has been altered. Let's
go, before more Borg come.
Kes: Neelix!
Neelix: Yes, Hotstuff?
Kes: You da mann!!!
Doctor: Everything is ready! Now let's get out of here.
Paris: Hey Doc, try to make a diversion while we run away!
Doctor: [frowning] Of course. I'm just a hologram. I always get to make the diversion. [begins
tap dancing. All the approaching Borg stop to laugh while the rest of the group runs
away.] --good, ship, Lollypop! ....Hey, where did everyone go? [runs after the others]
[Back on the ranch with Janeway and co., Paris's group is just arriving. The Doc is still behind.]
Paris: Captain, the food distribution net is on-line and ready to go.
Janeway: Good. [to Mugtwaine, who is still standing in the same spot as before] Mugtwaine!
Eat!
Mugtwaine: What? Eat?
Kim: Nothing's happening!
Torres: Try another command!
Janeway: Regenerate!
[Once again, nothing happens.]
Kim: [getting tired, realizes he hasn't eaten for a week or so] Captain, can we go now? It's time
for num-nums.
Mugtwaine: Num-Nums! Num-Nums!
[Suddenly, every visible Borg walks to its wall socket and plugs in.]
Janeway: Harry, you adorable little nerd! You did it!
Kim: Yeah, great. When do we eat?
Redshirt # 2: If I may interject, I don't want to be here when these guys blow!
Torres: Agreed. Let's get to the shuttlecraft!
[The group runs to the shuttlecraft. Upon arrival, they find the shuttle with a large gash in the
side from the collision. The Doc is still behind.]
Torres: Damn. We can't fly this in space! We'd suffocate, or asfixiate, or something!
Janeway: I have an idea! [everyone is shocked. Tapping her communicator,] Janeway to
Chakotay!
Chakotay: --Chakotay here, we're kind of busy with these Klingons, but if you leave your name
and phone number--
Janeway: Shut up and listen, tattoo boy! We're going to beam outside the electromagnetic
field! You'll need to transport us aboard from there!
Chakotay: --Will do! You got that, Security Man? Good! Ready when you are!--
Torres: Captain! One of us will have to stay and operate the transporter!
Janeway: Damn. Okay, paper-rock-scissors tournament!
[It comes down to Janeway and Redshirt # 2.]
Janeway: [thinking to herself] *Redshirts! They always take rock!*
Redshirt # 2: *Good old rock. Nothing beats rock!*
[Redshirt is crushed when he finds out that paper does, in fact, beat rock.]
Redshirt # 2: You should stay! You're the Captain! You're supposed to keep us alive!
Janeway: Don't you lecture me! I was out saving the galaxy while your great grandfather was
still in diapers! I think the galaxy owes me one!
[They leave the Redshirt behind. The rest of them beam home to safety.]
Redshirt # 2: Aw, hell. I'm going down fighting! [runs away, killing countless Borg and laughing
maniacally]
[Seconds later, the doctor arrives to find an empty shuttle. Suddenly, the entire Borg ship rocks
violently. The ghastly sound of a thousand farts smashes into the Doc like a shockwave from
Praxis. His face goes sour.]
[On board Voyager, the crew has just returned.]
Kim: The Borg have farted, sir.
Janeway: Prepare to fire and ignite the methanogenic compounds!
Tuvok: Ready, sir.
Janeway: I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Paris: More than likely, sir.
Janeway: Shut up. Oh, well. Tuvok, fire the torpedo.
[On the Borg ship, the Doc can see Voyager fire.]
Doctor: Oh, crap.
[On the bridge.]
Janeway: [hears a voice in her head say, "Captain"] Data! I mean, Doctor! The doctor is still
on the Borg ship!
[The doctor watches the torpedo get closer and closer, then the Kazon ship comes out of
nowhere and conveniently takes the torpedo, blowing up really big. The doctor wastes no more
time. He jumps aboard the shuttlecraft and punches the throttle. As he speeds away, he sees
that Voyager has already fired again. The Doc is barely able to escape the radius of the gas
cloud before it ignites.]
Doctor: Yes! I made it! [suddenly, his mood changes, as he spots the shockwave that is
gaining on him] Oh, crap!
[On the bridge]
Janeway: Get him out of there.
[The Doc beams out just as the shuttlecraft explodes.]
Chakotay: Did we get him?
Security Man: Yeah-huh.
Chakotay: Damn.
Captain's Log, Stardate 485324.836495: I have recently realized that I have made no log entries
up to now about this mission. There was a Borg craft. We blew it up. Now we're
heading home, once again.
Chakotay: Mr. Paris, set a course for the Alpha Quadrant.
Paris: Aye, sir.
Chakotay: [to Janeway] Another job well done, eh?
Janeway: You know it. Engage.
[The Voyager shoots away at warp six. Everyone is content with the last day's adventure, except
for one person.]
Kim: [whining again] When do we eat? I still want my num-nums!
[The bridge crew laughs as the ship flies home and the credits roll.]
THE END |
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