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RATING: BW-13 (Beware! Weirdness! Those under 13 may be
overly frightened)
AUTHOR: Meagan Weich, who is 15 and has never tried anything
like this before. Comments? Hate mail? Send to
richard@molalla.net.
Warning! Be nice! This is actually my dad's e-mail address
and he gets to everything first. When he got that e-mail
from my ex-boyfriend first.... let's just say it wasn't
pretty.
DISCLAIMER: (clears throat. Speaks with voice of one who has
read many of these types of disclaimers.) Okay. (taps
microphone) Is this thing on? Anyway, I'd just like to take a
moment to say... PLEASE DON'T SUE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm only borrowing these guys. I know they belong to those
Paramount dudes and all, but I was at a loss for characters.
I have a few minor plans for these guys, but I will return
them in their original condition (If that was how you really
wanted Janeway and Tuvok, that's weird, but it's your
business). Anyway, like I said, I'm fifteen. What would you
get from suing me anyway? A few CD's and a
discman?
By the way, my apologies to the makers of Spam, the Spice
Girls, and Hanson. Well, maybe not Hanson.
I think this is the part where I start the story.
KLINGON GENERAL'S WARNING: It has been determined that this
story is fairly stupid and probably dangerous to your
health.
(a voice from above as we see a shot of a purplish green
planet)
B'Elanna: Chief Engineer's Log: Stardate... um... I think it
started with a 3, and there might have been a five in
there somewhere. Anyway, there's this away mission
we're on, that would be me, the bi- I mean Seven of
Nine, my sweet- I mean Tom Paris, and Chakotay. And
there was this engine trouble and we sort of crashed.
So we kind of got separated. Seven and I are in this
cave type thing, and we can't find Tom and Chakotay.
Seven and I are trying to repair the shuttle, but
we keep being pestered by the natives. I hope that Tom
is having more fun.
(scene shows Seven and B'Elanna puttering around the remains
of the shuttle)
SEVEN: I beleive I have located the cause of the crash.
B'Elanna: What this time?
SEVEN: During the last mission this shuttlecraft was on,
Neelix accidentally dumped some of his offensive
cuisine into the plasma manifold.
B'Elanna: No wonder it died.
SEVEN: Can you repair the damage?
B'Elanna: Nope. We're stuck. We've got to find Tom. The poor
boy is probably getting lonely by now.
SEVEN: He may be with Chakotay.
B'Elanna: Who?
SEVEN: Chakotay. (sees blank look on B'Elanna's face) You
know, the Indian guy? Your best pal from way back
whenever?
B'Elanna: Oh, him. Yeah, we'll find him too.
SEVEN: I believe that the natives are coming back.
B'Elanna: Great. Just what we need... Wait a minute. Maybe
they can help us. Maybe they've seen Tom.
SEVEN: And Chakotay.
B'Elanna: Whatever. (turns to short primitive tribesman)
um... Hi. I'm B'Elanna Torres. We're looking for our
friend. He's about this tall (holds her hand several
inches above her head), blue eyes, kind of brownish-
blond hair, extremely good looking, a really good...
SEVEN: (elbows B'Elanna in the ribs) Enough.
B'Elanna: Anyway, have you guys seen him?
NATIVE: Unghwo. (grunts a bit, then nods, grabs B'Elanna by
the arm and starts dragging her into the bushes)
B'Elanna: Come on Seven! I think he knows where Tom is.
SEVEN: Perhaps he is leading you into a trap.
B'Elanna: Nah. I don't think he'd do that. Try to be a little
more trusting.
SEVEN: (muttering) I really hate her. Why did *I* have to
get stuck with her? Why not Chakotay?
(Meanwhile, two kilometers away)
TOM: We've got to find B'Elanna!
CHAKOTAY: And Seven.
TOM: Who?
CHAKOTAY: Seven of Nine. (sees the blank look on Tom's face)
You know, the Borg chick? Resistance is futile? You
will be assimilated?
TOM: Oh, her. Yeah, we'll find her too.
CHAKOTAY: Oh, great! Those [BLEEP]ing natives are back.
TOM: Why don't you help them find their spirit guides or
something?
NATIVE:Unghowa. (Clubs Chakotay in the head with his nicely
decorated staff. Another native does the same to Tom).
Ha ha ha! I love pulling the primitive bit on aliens!
NATIVE 2: Let's take these guys to the cavern. Did the others
find the people they were talking about.
NATIVE: Yeah. They're leading them to the cavern as we speak.
Let's go.
(Scene: Back on Voyager in the conference room. Harry, Tuvok,
Janeway, Neelix, and Kes are there)
JANEWAY: Wait just a [BLEEP]ing minute here. Kes? I thought
she trancended to a higher realm or something.
KES: (in true Homer Simpson fashion) Doh! (disappears in a
puff of smoke. A small pile of fairy dust is left in
the chair)
JANEWAY: Okay. Let's try this again.
NARRATOR: Must we?
JANEWAY: Yes. You screwed up my scene which probably should
have been intended to heighten the drama. We're missing
four important crew members, you know.
NARRATOR: Who's writing this? You or me? Oh well. I'm not
doing anything else.
(Scene: Back on Voyager in the conference room. Harry, Tuvok,
Janeway, and Neelix are there.)
JANEWAY: I'll assume that you all know what is going on,
right?
EVERYBODY: Yes Captain.
JANEWAY: And I assume you all know what happens when Seven
and Chakotay both leave.
EVERYONE BUT TUVOK: PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HARRY: I'll get the decorations!
NEELIX: I'll take care of the refreshments!
TUVOK: What about finding our missing crew members?
JANEWAY: We'll just have a nameless ensign set a course for
that planet. Us important people will be having a party
until we arrive.
TUVOK: Sounds logical to me. Care to dance?
(Scene: The Cavern on the planet's surface. The group of
natives bringing B'Elanna and Seven is just arriving)
B'Elanna: So, are Tom and that other guy in here?
NATIVE: Not yet. But they will be.
B'Elanna: Hey! You can speak English!
NATIVE: Duh. Doesn't everybody in this quadrant.
B'Elanna: Yeah, I guess so. So when do Tom and the other guy
get here?
NATIVE: Sooner than you think. Now stop asking questions.
(Clubs B'Elanna in the head. Then whacks Seven.)
NARRATOR: Since all of the main people are unconscious or
really drunk (our little party crowd back on Voyager),
I have to fill in the blank. Since I don't know what
it's like to be unconscious because I have never had
the privilege, this will be short. Um, let's see. It
was dark, I think. Actually, B'Elanna was probably
having a really nice dream about you know who. Anyway,
when B'Elanna and Seven finally came back to the world
of the waking, they were quite tied up.
(Scene: The great Cavern of the Natives. Tom and Chakotay are
tied to a post in the middle of the cavern. Seven and
B'Elanna are tied to the south wall. The natives are gathered
around the center of the cave in a circle. The crowd parts at
one side and two well dressed natives walk in carrying a blue
can with yellow letters. They attempt to feed it to Tom and
Chakotay.)
TOM: Yecch! This stuff is worse than Neelix's cooking.
CHAKOTAY: What is this god-awful stuff?
NATIVE: This is the sacred SPAM. You must eat more to prepare
for the sacrifice.
CHAKOTAY: Sacrifice? Eat more? You've got to be kidding!
TOM: I don't like this!
NATIVE: You must eat the SPAM! (two of them pry Chakotay's
mouth open, another starts shoving Spam down his
throat. They do the same to Tom)
B'Elanna: Hey! Leave him alone!
(Suddenly, a fearsome noise begins. All natives fall to their
knees and bow to the ground)
B'Elanna: What's happening now?
NATIVES: THE GODS APPROACH! THEY MUST APPROVE THE SACRIFICE!
B'Elanna: Wait just a blinkety-blank minute here! Nobody's
sacrificing my boyfriend to any awful sounding gods!
(Noticing that no one is paying any attention, she begins to
work at the ropes holding her prisoner. The three blond gods
walk in and inspect the sacrifice)
ZACK HANSON: Looks all right to me. Do you think the girls
will agree?
OTHER TWO: Yep. Looks good.
ZACK: You know what that means. (other two nod)
HANSON: MMM Bop!
VOYAGER CREW: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
TOM: IT'S HORRIBLE!
CHAKOTAY: SPIRITS SAVE US!
B'Elanna: I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK!
SEVEN: I am experiencing a new sensation. I believe it is
called....
NAUSEA! (She pukes all over the nearest native)
(As the Hanson brats finish up their song, an even greater
terror arrives)
SPICE GIRLS: Yo! I'll tell you what I want, what I really
really want.
VOYAGER CREW: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
TOM: Hey they're pretty hot.... (sees B'Elanna) THOSE ARE THE
UGLIEST WOMEN I'VE EVER SEEN! I THINK I'M BLIND!!
CHAKOTAY: MY EYES!!!! MY EYES!!!! THEY'RE HURTING MY EYES!!!
AND MY EARS TOO!!!!
B'Elanna: YOU TRAMPS JUST KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF TOM!
SEVEN: (says nothing. She rather likes the music)
(Spice Girls finish singing. Baby Spice makes her way to Tom)
BABY SPICE: Hey hot stuff. Are you doing anything tonight?
TOM: Oh Baby!
B'Elanna: THAT'S IT!!! (Snaps ropes like they were made of
nothing and charges for the center of the cavern,
killing anything that gets in the way. She snaps Tom
and Chakotay's ropes then kills everyone in the cavern
minus Tom, Chakotay, and Seven. Just barely stops
herself from killing Seven. Runs over to Tom)
B'Elanna: Are you okay, honey. (holds Tom in her arms)
TOM: It was horrible! They fed us nasty stuff and then the
blond boys danced around singing, and then the girls
came in and they sang!
(Breaks down crying on B'Elanna's shoulder.)
SEVEN: Would you please untie me now? (Chakotay unties her.
Just then a severely hung over away team walks in. The
team is composed of
Janeway, Tuvok, Kim, and a couple of nameless ensigns.)
JANEWAY: (Surveying the scene) What happened here!?
TOM: (Still hysterical. Screaming) IT WAS HORRIBLE I TELL
YOU!!!! JUST AWFUL!!!!!!!
JANEWAY AND KIM: Stop yelling!! You're hurting my head!
TUVOK: Tuvok to Voyager... (Stops to count) Nine to beam up.
KIM: Are you sure? I think I see fifty.
(Shot of Voyager orbiting the same purplish green planet.
Voice over of Janeway)
JANEWAY: Captain's Log: Stardate 3... um, 3... 5? Well,
something like that. Though I have a really bad
headache and I obviously don't have much purpose in
this story, I feel it necessary to say something here
because... well, because at this point in the show,
some one generally says something meaningful or learns
an important lesson. So anyway, here goes. (Clears
throat) Although the Doctor tells me that the away team
has suffered no physical injury, he and I fear that the
psycholgical damage may not... um, may not... Well,
some technical thingie. Gotta go!
(Scene: The mess hall. Torres and Paris are sharing their
tragic experience with Ensign Kim and Neelix.)
TOM: And then B'Elanna here gets loose and kills them all
before they can start another song.
KIM: Bravo!
NEELIX: (to B'Elanna) Don't you feel guilty for killing all
of those people?
B'Elanna: Hanson and the Spice Girls? Nah. I think I've done
something for the good of all sentient life in the
galaxy.
KIM: I'll drink to that!
NEELIX: You're not becoming an alcoholic are you?
KIM: Figure of speech, Neelix.
(End of show type laughter. Cutesy music.)
(Shot of the outside of the ship. Voyager, for some strange
reason, goes to warp and knocks the planet out of orbit.
Voice over of Janeway)
JANEWAY: Neelix!! Come get this pathetic substitute for
macaroni out of the dilithium matrix!
THE END
End note: My apologies again to the Spice Girls. I actually
like the Spice Girls. But I like my own group, the Spice
Borg, better. We assimilate Spice Girls songs! My favorites?
Assimilate Your Life and Saturday Night Drones. |
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