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Note: This is a parody of the Star Trek:Voyager episode "Twisted". I suggest either viewing the episode or reading the Twisted parody by Scott Martin on The Slightly Warped Star Trek Page.
(The entire bridge crew is hiding under the pool table in the darkened holodeck. The table is jiggling and pulsating under the stress.)
Janeway: Neelix, please take your foot out of my mouth.
Neelix: I'm sorry captain, it's just that Mr Vulcan's elbow is in my ear.
Kim: Captain! Tom is sitting on my head!
B'Elanna: If Kes doesn't come soon, I'm leaving.
(Kes walks into the darkened holodeck and looks around.)
Kes: Hello? Anyone here? I'm sure Neelix said holodeck 2.
(The crew try to disentangle themselves from the pool table.)
Kes: Oh well. (Walks out)
(Everyone suddenly explodes from behind the pool table. )
Paris: Well, that worked.
Captain: Mr Paris, please go get Kes again.
(Paris goes out and comes back with Kes.)
Everyone: (standing around looking stupid) er, surprise.
Kes: Oh, er, um "oh!".
Neelix: Happy birthday!
Kes: Um, It's not my birthday.
Neelix: It's not?
Chakotay (over com link): Captain, we seem to be surrounded by some sort of sub-space phenonomonemumonem......phenome phomeno....... PHENOMEPHENOEMUNPHUUUUUU.....
STARTING
Chakotay (over com link): I can never say that word!
Captain: Phenomenon, Commander?
Chakotay: Yeah, that's the one!
Kes: Well, I have to go.
Captain: What sort of phenomenon, commander? (silence) Commander? B'Elanna, my com link is down!
B'Elanna: (muttering) If you hadn't ordered me to go to this stupid party you wouldn't have that problem.
(Kes walks out)
Tuvok: Well, that was a surprise. Who could have predicted that Kes would have walked out of her own birthday celebration?
(Neelix rushes after her, balancing a huge blue fudge cake on one hand.)
Kim: Ooohhhhh, but Captain, I wanted to have a party!
Paris: And I wanted to give her these Darborian earrings! They cost me four weeks of replicator rations!
Tuvok: Actually, Lieutenant, I recognize that piece of jewellery from that "Cheap-o" bin at "Luke's Shop o' Cheapness".
(Paris glares at Tuvok.)
B'Elanna: Well, I guess we won't be needing these. (throws huge packet of novelty red noses onto the floor)
(Neelix and Kes are walking down a hallway.)
Neelix: Kes, you were not supposed to leave! It was a human tradition, they call it a sur-prise par-tee!
Kes: But Neelix, it's not even my birthday!
Neelix: Well you could have pretended it was!
Kes: (stopping and examining the door label) These aren't my quarters.
Neelix: No, they are not. (reading the door tag) This is the "redshirt training facility".
Kes: But, I'm sure this is where my quarters are!
Neelix: I knew we shouldn't have taken that right turn!
(On the bridge.)
Chakotay: (tapping com badge) Chakotay to Captain Janeway. Captain Janeway, please come in. (silence)
Chakotay: Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have gotten that ensign to reroute the ship's main power to my electric toothbrush. Cadet Queik, you're on work experience, aren't you?
Cadet Queik: Sir! Yes, sir!
Chakotay: Well, since none of the other senior officers are available, I think it's time you had a chance at commanding a galaxy class starship. (Indicating various buttons on the command chair) Accelerator, clutch, emergency indicators, back massager.
Cadet Queik: Sir! Yes, sir!
(Chakotay gets into the turbo lift while Cadet Queik stares at the command chair.)
(In the Holodeck)
Captain: Well, it looks like this has been another of Neelix's dismal failures at raising morale. I'm going to the bridge.
Tuvok: I'm going to my quarters to study ancient Vulcan meditation techniques.
Paris: I'm going to "Luke's Shop o' Cheapness". I saw a great neck-tie in there yesterday.
Kim: I'm going to go and give the mess hall a clarinet recital.
B'Elanna: I don't care where I'm going, as long as it's away from the rest of you.
(Everyone leaves)
(In the corridors)
Janeway: Mr Kim, are you following me?
Kim: No, sir. I mean ma'am. I mean Captain.
Janeway: I thought you said you were going to the mess hall.
Kim: I am.
Janeway: This isn't the way.
Kim: Yes it is.
Janeway: (patronizingly) Now, your inferior sense of direction might be telling you that this is the way to the mess hall, but I know that this, (indicates door) is the (opens door, which reveals a room lined with washing machines) er, ship's laundry.
(In the turbolift)
Chakotay: Deck 6.
(The doors open, revealing space).
Chakotay: Computer, close doors. Deck 6
(The doors close, then reopen inside the warp core)
Chakotay: Computer, close doors! Bridge!
(Doors open in kitchens.)
Chakotay: When the Captain said she might be doing some alterations to the bridge, I didn't think he meant this!
(He goes over to an oven and examines it with his tricorder)
Chakotay: Hmm, "oven timer" - there's a new helm control.
(In the jefferies tubes.)
(Captain Janeway and Harry Kim are crawling through a Jefferies tube, which is only wide enough for one person, but which they are trying to traverse side-by-side, and so kicking and elbowing each other.)
(Janeway comes to a door which she pries open with her fingers, and sticks her head into.)
Janeway: OooOoaahhhhrgg!!!
Kim: (gasps) The spatial distortion! It's inside the ship!
(Janeway's neck is stretched to about 2m long. Eventually, Kim gets the idea to pull her back into the tube. Her neck is still 2m long.)
Kim: (trying not to laugh) Captain, your neck, um, it's...
Janeway: Duuuuuuuuuuhh.
Kim: Um.. yeah.. well, hmm.
(In a turbo lift somewhere)
B'Elanna: Computer, Bridge.
(Doors open on ship's gym. Ensign Pearson walks into the lift and starts whinging.)
Pearson: Lieutenant, I think the environmental controls in there are malfunctioning. At first I didn't notice it, but the temperature in there is 100 degrees below 0.
B'Elanna: Well that's certainly relevant to the plot. Computer, bridge.
(Paris, Chakotay, Neelix and Tuvok are standing at a junction in the corridors.)
Chakotay: I say we go left.
Tuvok: Commander, the logical choice would be right. If we continue to take right turns, we will eventually end up going around and around in circles for the rest of eternity.
Chakotay: And that's a good thing?
(Suddenly Harry falls out of the ceiling, leaving a big hole. The captain falls on top of him.)
Janeway: Duh!
Tuvok: Ensign Kim, what is wrong with the captain?
Kim: I don't know. She only got her head caught in the sub-space distortion. It must have damaged her brain or something.
Paris: And her neck, I see.
Kim: Yes, that too.
Chakotay: We are trying to find the bridge, Ensign. Do you know where it is?
Kim: No, I was trying to go to the mess hall but I ended up in the ship's laundry.
Chakotay: Something very strange is going on here. Something very strange indeed.
Paris (to Neelix): I told you, I have quarters both on the fourth and the eighth deck. I won Harry's after he lost that game of "Donkey" the other week.
Neelix: So where have you been staying for the last week, Harry?
(The doors they are approaching open to reveal the ship's waste disposal room.)
Kim: Finally!
(Back at the holodeck)
(Kes enters.)
Kes: (to the holographic trombone player) Excuse me, have you seen Neelix or Tuvok or any member of the bridge crew at all since they left here?
(Suddenly the wall goes bubbly and Neelix, Kim, Tuvok dragging Janeway, B'Elanna and Chakotay walk in.)
Janeway: Daaaaaaa......
(Flails hands about wildly and pokes Tuvok in the eye)
Tuvok: Captain, maybe you had better lie down. (Shoves Janeway onto the pool table)
(To everyone) People, it appears we have a problem. We seem to have all lost our senses of direction to a massive degree. Even my superior Vulcan intellect has been temporarily deceived by the spatial distortion.
Chakotay: (Fiddling with holodeck controls) Maybe if we adjust the holo-emitters a bit.
(Surroundings change to "Relieve your stress by wacking people")
Chakotay: No, wait, if I twiddle this little knob....
(The scene becomes the stage of a Klingon opera.)
Chakotay: Uhh...hang on...
Harry: (preparing clarinet) No, wait, I think I know this one.
(Scene hurriedly changes again to the bar)
Neelix: Look! The wall!
(The wall is pulsating and bending like jello.)
Chakotay: The spatial distortion! It's coming to get us! Let's get outta here!
(all the walls begin to bubble)
Tuvok: It seems unlikely we will be able to avoid the distortion.
Kim: We're all gonna die!
Paris: Quick, everyone say something meaningful.
Chakotay: Tuvok, I have been meaning to say this to you for a long time. I often find you arrogant and irritating.
Tuvok: As we seem to be speaking candidly, sir, I must return the insult by telling you that I also dislike you to a massive degree. (They glare at each other)
B'Elanna: (unconvincingly) Er, It is a good day to die?
Janeway: Duuuhhhh...
Kim: Tom, can I ask you something?
Paris: I would prefer you didn't.
Kim: Do you really think I'm good at playing the clarinet, or were you just saying that to make me stop?
(Squishy effect moves over everyone, elongating, bending and compressing them. The camera switches to some obscure lighting.)
Chakotay: Is everyone okay?
Paris: I'm alright, but I think Harry was a bit... detrimentally affected
Kim: What? I feel fine.
Paris: It's just that your nose is three feet long.
Kim: Well your fingers are all elongated.
Captain: Duuuuhhh!!
B'Elanna: Argh! My feet!
Tuvok: How unfortunate, Commander Chakotay. Your lips seem to have enlarged, as have your eyelids.
Chakotay: Well at least my arms aren't dragging on the ground.
Neelix: Kes! Your ears look... original.
Kes: Neelix, why weren't you affected like the rest of us?
Tuvok: Logic states that Mr Neelix was already severely deformed by normal standards, and no amount of warping effect could make him appear more deformed than he already does.
B'Elanna: Where's the Doctor, anyway? I hope he's good at reconstructive surgery.
Paris: (eying the captain) And brain surgery.
Doctor: (emerging from behind the bar) Excuse me, but has the surprise occurred yet?
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Captain's Log stardate 23847.4: Fortunately, the doctor was able to return the entire crew's bodies to their normal proportions by using sophisticated reconstructive surgery. He also managed to repair my brain, which had been warped by the spatial distortion. He tells me is was a most interesting procedure that involved heating my brain and then resetting it into the right shape.
B'Elanna is still at work on the engines, which suffered the same fate as the crew. She tells me that 30,000 giga quads of data was downloaded into the computer by the spatial distortion. We have so far been unable to decode the information, except for a few cryptic lines which read "Are you looking for a way to get fit, lose weight, and tone your muscles in the privacy of your own home, all with one machine?" |
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