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by Jennifer Mitchell.
FADE IN: Space, Voyager, and a little service station with unleaded
and leaded antimatter pumps.
JANEWAY: Captains Log. To counter the current levels of boredom on
ship Mr Neelix is organising an evenings entertainment on the
holodeck. As of yet he hasn't revealed the nature of the new
programme.
CUT TO: Holodeck programme apparently representing the very bowels
of hell itself, complete with scatter cushions.
NEELIX: My sweet is that tight.
KESS: (curently wearing a gimp mask and leather cat suit) muuumph.
NEELIX: Of course my sweet.
Now would be a good time to roll credits.
CUT TO: Bridge.
CHAKOTAY: Then, no I'm serious Tom, then I saw this huge dafodil,
and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, stop sniggering
Harry, anyway, I turned to my spirit guide and I said what should I
do, and he said, well I'm a goat, I'd eat it, but you, you do what
comes naturally.
HARRY: I thought you were never meant to reveal what kind of animal
your spirit guide is Commander.
CHAKOTAY: Well I never would.
PARIS: You just did.
CHAKOTAY: I what.
HARRY: Told us what your spirit guide was.
CHAKOTAY: I what, oh Maude please forgive me.
(he starts curling up in the chair and muttering about frogs)
PARIS: There is a man who's been on one too many dream quests.
HARRY: I was sure you weren't meant to take them so often.
PARIS: And that you shouldn't really use real Peyote.
CHAKOTAY: (muttering) bad trip, it's only....
(Janeway strides on to the bridge, looks around)
JANEWAY: I've forgotten what I came in for now.
(Everyone shrugs)
JANEWAY: Damn. No it's gone now. Anything interesting happening?
ALL: No.
JANEWAY: Oh well, it'll be the holodeck again this week then.
Chakotay get out of my chair.
CHAKOTAY: No it's my turn.
JANEWAY: I'm the Captain.
CHAKOTAY: No
(She sits on him until he agrees to get up.)
JANEWAY: Let's see if I can beat my best score on Tetris.
CUT TO: Galley
(First take one anal retentive Vulcan....)
TUVOK: Any chance of service before we reach earth.
TORRES: You're meant to be calm patient....
TUVOK: Fuck off I'm hungry.
TORRES: Ooooh, and it's not even that time of the decade.
NEELIX: (Adjusting leather studed underpants) Can I help.
TUVOK: Stop grinning start serving.
NEELIX: Who's gotten out of the wrong side of his coffin today.
TORRES: You can't actually be looking forward to this crap.
TUVOK: It's better than starving.
NEELIX: It is not crap today we have Kebabs.
TORRES: Great, crap on a stick.
TUVOK: What kind of kebabs?
NEELIX: Well to tell the truth, I don't know, the label had flaked
off down in stores and....
TUVOK: What's the vegetarian option.
CUT TO: Engineering
(staff are having a tea break and a few fags while Torres is at
lunch.)
ENGINEER 1: Anyway then she said, ... hey Cliff how does tea affect
navigation arrays forty seven through fifty nine.
CLIFF: (flicks cigarette ash down said circuits) Oh just clean 'em
in soapy water and bung 'em back in, it shouldn't do any harm.
ENGINEER 1: OK Cliff.
(Cliff runs his hands down his overalls)
CLIFF: Any more of those doughnuts?
CUT TO: Galley
TUVOK: Then to add insult to injury...
(Torres nods off and starts having dreams about hundreds of chiuauas
attacking a doberman. Oddly enough the chiuauas keep getting eaten,
but eventually the doberman chokes on one of them and the chiuauas
start eating it)
TORRES: EeeeeeeNNNNuuuuughhhhhh.
(She has pasta primevera stuck to her face.)
TUVOK: So I took back his bloody Judy Garland albumn and told him
where to put it.
(Torres secretly vows to herself never to eat anything mauve again)
TORRES: And quite right too.
CUT TO: Bridge.
JANEWAY: Do you think there's any chance of Q turning up?
PARIS: Nah we've had hime this season already.
CUT TO: Sickbay
(The Doctor is making a house of tounge depressers.)
DOCTOR: Computer,
COMPUTER: Working.
DOCTOR: That makes a change.
COMPUTER: Non logical command, reinsert disk A and press any key or
press control for cancel.
DOCTOR: Shit. (Brushes junk off desk) Is this disk A? Oh I don't
know. Control, control ah control.
COMPUTER: This programme has performed an illegal function and will
be shut down.
DOCTOR: Oh no, no, no.
COMPUTER: Press Space bar for cancel or Shift key for more
information.
DOCTOR: Ummmmmmmmmmmm. Eeny meeny miny mo. Space bar. (He vanishes)
CUT TO: Holodeck
KESS: You've been a very naughty little Talaxian haven't you.
NEELIX: Ooh I have I have.
KESS: And do you know what I'm going to do to you?
CUT TO: Corridor.
(Crewman Cliff is reading a notice board out to his friends)
CLIFF: Tonight only, Voyager only S&M night on holodeck one. Entry,
Adults: one weeks replicator rations. Children under 10: half
price. Over 10: 2/3 price Concession: 2/3 price Students: 1/2 price
on presentation of valid Union card Gimps: Free.
ENSIGN EXPENDABLE: Sounds great I'm going.
CUT TO: Bridge
JANEWAY: I spy with my little eye...
KIM: Captain we've got a message
JANEWAY: (turning round and kneeling in her chair) Who's it from?
KIM: Neelix.
ALL: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhpppphhhhhhhhhhhhh
KIM: He's throwing an S&M party.
(Everyone mutters well you wouldn't be finding me at anything like that)
CUT TO: Sickbay
DOCTOR: At last I've had to reboot myself fourteen...
COMPUTER: Fatal error in system...
DOCTOR: Shit.
CUT TO: Engineering
(Smoke is pouring out of the navigation relays but no ones noticed)
RANDOM ENGINEER: Well according to Dr. Somniacs dictionary of dreams
you're curently anxious about the onset of puberty.
TORRES: What, are you looking up the right thing here.
CUT TO: Holodeck- just a bit later
NEELIX: My sweet look at the turn out.
KESS: (unzips the gimp mask) I know most of the crew have turned up.
NEELIX: Commander we have a strict dress code.
CHAKOTAY: Oh. I brought some drugs.
NEELIX: Well why didn't you say so, come right in.
CUT TO: Engineering
(Smoke is pouring out of the navigation relay at a very allaeming
rate, Random Engineer is zipping Crewman Cliff in to a leatherette
French Maid uniform.)
CLIFF: Tighter, tighter.
(Random Engineer puts a stillettoed heel up against Crewman Cliffs
rear to get a bit more leverage.)
(More smoke pours out of the panel. Off screen there is a ripping
noise and a strangled scream.)
CLIFF: Why I didn't even know you cared.
CUT TO: Holodeck
(Tuvok is performing a Tina Turner dance routine)
ALL: Go Tuvok. Go Tuvok.
JANEWAY: Chakotay.
CHAKOTAY: huh, I can do you, peyote, hashish, speed balls.
JANEWAY: Not right now. Listen, I'm here, your here.
CHAKOTAY: I am, oh yeah.
JANEWAY: Tuvok's here. I think that's Tom Paris over there, I just
put Harry into that cage to be lashed, Torres is over there whipping
Harry to a fine mulsh.
CHAKOTAY: Mmmuhuh.
JANEWAY: The whole crew's here.
CHAKOTAY: Yeah great isn't it.
JANEWAY: Chakotay, who's driving?
CUT TO: Bridge.
ENSIGN EXPENDABLE: (Hiding under chair) MUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMM!!!!
CUT TO: Engineering.
(Navigation circuits have now caught fire. There's a loud skweaking
noise from somewhere else in engineering too.)
CUT TO: Holodeck
JANEWAY: Could I have your attention please, I don't want anyone to
panic, but we don't think anyone is on the bridge. Screams.
JANEWAY: Belanna stop hitting Harry.
TORRES: Aw.
JANEWAY: We want someone to go up there and have a look.
(mutters of descent)
JANEWAY: Oh come on guys.
CUT TO: Bridge
(The navigation relays on the bridge have blown now too, Ensign
Expendable should have worn his brown rubber safety pants.)
COMPUTER: Decompression in five minutes, please evacuate cabin.
(Ensign Expenable starts running, trips over his own feet, tries to
drag himself up, gets as far as the turbolift then faints.)
CUT TO: Holodeck.
(The ship shakes)
ALL: SHIT.
FADE TO BLACK
FADE BACK IN:
JANEWAY: What is the ships position.
COMPUTER: CATS.
JANEWAY: Oh dear.
CUT TO: Bridge- some time later.
JANEWAY: Are you sure.
KIM: Yes Captain, it looks as if we've been blown through a wormhole,
straight into the alpha quadrant.
JANEWAY: Where in the alpha quadrant.
KIM: Well we don't actually know for sure it even is the alpha
quadrant, but it seemed like our best guess.
JANEWAY: You stupid boy. (she unzips her outfit so that she can sit
down)
TUVOK: Captain we're being hailed.
JANEWAY: By who.
TUVOK: They say they're Klingons, and Captain they sound pissed.
CUT TO: Klingon vessel.
COMMANDER: (throws aside beer bottle) Look at the name of their ship,
Voyager do these people have no shame, open fire.
Roll credits. |
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