 |
by Meagan Weich
Since the last story I sent in actually got posted, I thought I'd try
again. If you want my e-mail address to complain, read my other story
(ha ha! Gotcha!) So, here we go with another disclaimer.
DISCLAIMER: I'm borrowing these guys, they belong to Paramount, yadda
yadda yadda, don't sue me. Like last time, you wouldn't get much.
Discman, CDs, and all of the Voyager books, 1-14. (Plus Kahless,
Star Trek: Klingon, The Klingon Dictionary, Klingon for the Galactic
Traveller, and The Klingon Way. Notice a pattern?
KLINGON GENERAL'S WARNING (no, not Martok.): This story has been
determined to be really bizarre. If you are prone to extreme fits of
hysteria when Voyager characters start singing, don't read it. If
previously unknown ensigns with telekinetic powers (which I call
"psycho powers") bother you, then don't read it.
You're aware of that multitude of nameless ensigns who seem to be
completely expendable, aren't you? This is the story of one of those
nameless ensigns who refused to remain nameless and generally caused
havoc (If it's my story, someone must cause havoc) and turned
everyone into a late 1990s pop/rock and/or country music star.
(Scene: A senior officers meeting in that meeting place. Everyone but
Neelix and Seven present. Who needs Neelix?)
Janeway: Well, that about wraps it up for today. Anyone have anything
important to mention before I dismiss you?
Tuvok: It has come to my attention that there is an uninhabited M
class planet in a nearby system. Mr Neelix has suggested that we
stop there for replenishing food stores and possible shore leave.
Janeway: Sounds good to me. Mr. Paris, get the coordinates from Tuvok
and head for the system, warp three.
Paris: Aye, Captain.
Janeway: Dismissed.
(nameless ensign bursts in)
Nameless Ensign: Hold up there just a minute.
Janeway: Just who do you think you are? This is a senior officers
meeting. You can't just come charging in here.
Nameless Ensign: I believe I just did.
Janeway: Who are you anyway? I don't remember seeing you on the crew
manifests.
Nameless Ensign: My name's Teilani Kelleinna and the reason you
haven't seen me before is that I haven't been here. Let's get ready
to party, shall we?
(they all disappear in a bright flash of light. All senior officers
plus Seven of Nine, Neelix, and Teilani appear by the swimming pool
of a resort hotel in various forms of swimwear.)
Janeway: (marching up to Teilani) Just where in the devil are we,
anyway?
Teilani: A pool. What's it look like? I thought the senior officers
were supposed to be the intelligent ones. Consider yourselves on
shore leave. Anyway, catch me if you can!
(Teilani flashes a brilliant smile, then vanishes.)
Paris: (Grabs some towels off a nearby rack and passes them out to
the women) Friendly lady. Well, I'm ready to enjoy shore leave.
Who's coming with.
Janeway: Hold on Tom. We're not doing anything until we find out some
details on where we're at and how to get out of being at here. It
looks like there are any number of alien life forms running around
here. We shouldn't have any trouble blending in.
Paris: (pouting) Bummer!
Janeway: Let's split up. Harry, Tom, and B'Elanna, you stay here at
the pool in case Teilani shows up here. Tuvok and Seven, you head
north. Chakotay can go south with me, and Neelix and the Doctor go
west. We'll meet here in an hour.
(People head in various directions)
(People start getting crazy)
(Scene: Harry, Tom, and B'Elanna are lounging in chairs at the pool.
Tom is enjoying the sight of B'Elanna in a bikini. B'Elanna is
reading a Popular Science magazine and casting dirty looks at Tom.
Harry is asleep.)
Paris: Harry really looks like he's working hard.
(snores from Harry. Silence from B'Elanna.)
Paris: Are you listening to me B'Elanna?
Torres: No.
Paris: (Taking a burrito from a tray being passed around and taking a
bite) Hmmmmmm... Spicy!
Torres: (looking startled) What did you say?
Paris: I said spicy.
Torres: That's what I thought you said.
(Torres jumps up on the diving board and cues a conveniently placed
band nearby. Music begins to play.)
Torres: (singing "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls and dancing) Well I'll
tell you what I want, what I really really want.... (and so on)
Paris: (nudging Harry) Harry... wake up and take a look at that will
ya'. (points to B'Elanna)
Kim: (studies her carefully) Not bad, but I bet I can do better.
Paris: What?
(as B'Elanna finishes up her song amid wild applause from the
gathered swimmers, Harry stands up by the poolside and cues another
conveniently placed band.)
Paris: Oh, for the love of Al Gore...
Kim: (Starts singing "So Much for Pretending" by Bryan White)
Straight out of some story....
Paris: I think I'm gonna be sick.
(B'Elanna comes back and sits down beside Tom's chair.)
Paris: So B'Elanna, do you feel better now that you got that out of
your system?
Torres: Who's B'Elanna?
Paris: Okay, I'll play. If you're not B'Elanna, then who are you?
Torres: I'm Nasty Spice, the sixth Spice Girl. Who are you?
Paris: (suddenly posessed by one of Teliani's evil stunts) I am
Collin Raye.
Nasty Spice: Nice to meet you. Want to go swimming, Collin baby?
Collin Raye: Anytime Nasty Spice.
Nasty Spice: You can call me Spicey.
(on the other side of the pool, Harry has been overcome by the notion
that he is Bryan White and is signing autographs.)
Bryan White: Please ladies, one at a time....
(Scene: Near the cotton candy stand in the south end of the park)
Chakotay: There seems to be some sort of disturbance down by the
pool.
Janeway: It's probably just B'Elanna's Klingon side acting up again.
Chakotay: You're probably right about that Kathryn.
Janeway: Call me Jewel.
Chakotay: Are you feeling all right?
Jewel: Sure. Now let's forget this nameless ensign business and go
have a romantic candle light dinner.
Chakotay: Sorry Jewel, but I'm busy being an Indian Outlaw. Besides,
I'm marries to that Faith Hill chick.
Jewel: So that makes you Indian Outlaw Hill, huh?
Chakotay: That makes me Tim McGraw.
Jewel: Whatever. Let's go see what's up at the pool.
(Scene: Ticket booth at the north gate of the park. Tuvok is taking
readings with a tricorder that was conveniently placed in the equally
conveniently placed pocket of his swimming trunks.)
Tuvok: Do you recall what species Teilani Kelleinna was? It would
make scanning easier.
Seven: Species number 74653: Magobrian. Extraordinary telepathic
powers, high level of technological development. Their resistance
quotient was extremely high.
Tuvok: Thank you for the detailed description. Unfortunately, the
tricorder that was conveniently placed in the pocket of my swim
trunks does not recognize Magobrian DNA. We will have to search the
old fashioned way.
Seven: Manually?
Tuvok: No. (walks over to information booth and talks to person
inside.) Excuse me, it seems we have been separated from a member of
our party. Do you have a system for locating missing persons?
Info Booth Person: Yes, give us a name and description and we'll call
the name over the intercom and send out a search team.
Tuvok: (thinking quickly) Would it be possible to locate her without
use of the intercom? She has a mental derangement and if she were
aware that we were searching for her, she might try to hide or leave
the park altogether.
Info Booth Person: I'm sure that could be arranged. Just give me a
description. (Tuvok gives the lady a description of Teilani
Kelleinna)
Tuvok: Thank you.
Seven: I was unaware that Vulcans were capable of deception.
Tuvok: We only utilize it for tactical purposes.
Seven: Understood.
Tuvok: Now we will have to pass the time until the park personnel
have located Teilani.
Seven: That will not be difficult. I want to go on one of the
frightening rides.
(Seven and Tuvok go on the Gut Twister roller coaster. Tuvok begins
spitting on the people below.
Tuvok: Direct hit!
Seven: Isn't that illogical or something?
Tuvok: Yes, but it is a lot of fun.
Seven: I will try. (Spits over the side and hits the top of a bald
guy's head) Say, that was fun!
(They both start spitting on people and forget all about their
mission.)
(Scene: West end of the park)
Neelix: (walks up to an angry bald guy with a wet spot on top of his
head) Excuse me, have you seen a woman with brown hair, green eyes,
and a mental problem? (the man looks at him strangely and walks off)
Doctor: This is not working.
Neelix: I believe you are right. That's the 29th person we've asked
and they all look at us like we're crazy.
Doctor: Maybe we should head back toward the pool.
Neelix: Maybe you're right.
(Scene: The pool. Harry has returned to his senses amid a crowd of
adoring fans and has a puzzled look on his face. Paris and Torres are
nowhere to be seen. Janeway and Chakotay, also returned to what
passes for normality, approach him.)
Chakotay: What's going on here?
Kim: I have no idea.
Janeway: Where's Tom and B'Elanna.
Kim: I seem to have a faint recollection of Tom heading off with some
girl he introduced as Nasty Spice. They were headed for a restaurant.
Tom said he was going to spice up his life, or something like that.
Then the lady called him Collin and they took off.
Chakotay: And what have you been doing?
Kim: I can't remember.
Janeway: Very helpful.
(The Doctor and Neelix walk over to them)
Doctor: Were you any more successful than we were?
Janeway: No, and now it seems Lieutenants Torres and Paris have gone
missing as well.
Doctor: Now there's a big surprise.
Neelix: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's find them!
Janeway: First we have to wait for Tuvok and Seven to come back here.
(Tuvok and Seven arrive. Seven is wearing a black leather miniskirt
and Tuvok is wearing a bandanna)
Janeway: Any luck?
Seven: Yeah! I hit five bald guys. Mr. "Calculate Necessary
Trajectory" here only got three. I say just let it fly.
Tuvok: The odds that your strategy would work were forty bazillion to
one against. You were just lucky.
Seven: You're just jealous.
Tuvok: I am not!
Seven: Are too!
(they continue arguing)
Doctor: Well, that was pointless.
(a dazed looking B'Elanna staggers up to the group looking like
something that barely survived the 80s)
Janeway: Where have you been?!
Torres: I have no idea. Last thing I remember I was sitting by the
pool reading a magazine and ignoring Tom, and then suddenly I was in
an expensive Tellarite restaurant where the food was really bad
having dinner with some Bolian dude. (She collapses in a chair, wraps
up in a towel and goes to sleep. Janeway looks around to see Tom
enter the pool area with a woman in a bikini. They seat themselves on
the other side of the pool. Janeway heads over.
Janeway: Where have you been Tom.
Collin Raye: You must have me mistaken for someone else. I am Collin
Raye and this is my companion, Nasty Spice.
(Nasty Spice removes her sunglasses and hat and reveals herself to be
Teilani Kelleinna)
Teilani: Hi Captain!
Collin Raye: Oh, I see you've already met Spicey.
Janeway: This has gone far enough! Just what is going on here?
Teilani: Oh, it's really simple. I have some pretty nifty telepathic
powers and I needed to practice with them, so I brought us all to
Risa.
Janeway: Risa? Like in the Alpha quadrant?
Teilani: Yep!
Janeway: So if you've had the power to get us home all along, why
didn't you tell us?
Teilani: Because I don't like you.
(All crew members reappear on the bridge of Voyager)
Janeway: Computer, locate Ensign Teilani.
Computer: Ensign Teilani is not aboard the ship.
Paris: Bummer. She was kind of cute.
(B'Elanna growls and starts toward Paris)
Paris: But not as cute as B'Elanna of course.
Torres: Of course not.
Captain's log. Stardate 5... I forget. Anyway, we are safely back in
the Delta quadrant, but Teilani Kelleinna is nowhere to be found.
Once again we have missed the chance to get home.
Doctor: Now there's a big surprise! Not.
Paris: But if we got home, we'd have no terrible adventure to deal
with and we wouldn't have to get a show.
Tuvok: Not having a show would negatively affect our ratings as well.
Janeway: True.
Kim: Are we there yet?
Janeway: No we're not. Make yourself useful and run another
diagnostic.
(silence)
Kim: Are we there yet?
Paris: Oh, for the love of Al Gore!
THE END
Note from Teilani:
Yes I am completely aware that Torres was originally cast as
Nasty Spice, but I took over. That's the kind of stunt us evil
telepaths have to pull. It says so in my contract. Besides, why
should she have all the fun? |
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
