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CAST
Captain Kathryn "Hairdo Spice" Janeway.................Kate Mulgrew
Commander "Useless Spice" Chakotay.....................Robert Beltran
Lt. Commander "Pointy Spice" Tuvok.....................Tim Russ
Lt. Tom "Stud Spice" Paris.............................Robert Duncan McNeil
Lt. B'Elanna "Deathwish Spice" Torres..................Roxanne Dawson
The "Baldy Spice" Doctor...............................Robert Picardo
Ensign Harry "Babyface Spice" Kim......................Garret Wang
Mr. "Annoying Git Spice" Neelix........................Ethan Phillips
Professor Stiffneck....................................James Cromwell
Professor Cutewun......................................Suzie Plakson
No-Name Extra..........................................Charleton Heston
Script and Lyrics Copyright Rodney Hrvatin 1997
Author's Note: All songs in this script are performed by the Spice Girls
and can be found on their two albums "Spice" and "Spiceworld". Any comments
please e-mail me at rodney@academy.net.au.
P.S. All you Beltran fans that don't like this because of what I do to
Chakotay- GET A SENSE OF HUMOR!!!!!
(A desert planet. Winds howl and sand is flying fiercely. The camera pans
slowly across the landscape to reveal an outpost. It is large and sticks
out bigger than Kirk's gut.)
(INTERIOR. A bustling community of scientists. Doors open and we enter into
what appears to be an observatory. One scientist is peering through a
telescope- she gasps)
Prof. Cutewun: Professor Stiffneck look at this...
Prof. Stiffneck: (looking through telescope) Do you think it could be what
we have been waiting for?
Prof. Cutewun: I think so. Do you think they will help us?
Prof. Stiffneck: They had better after all they trouble we went through to
lure them here.
Prof. Cutewun: I hope they won't realise the trap.
Prof. Stiffneck: They won't.At least, not before it is too late.
(They both smile at each other. The camera zooms in on the telescope viewer
and reveals - VOYAGER)
(INTERIOR- Voyager)
(sung to "Spice Up Your Life")
All: La la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaa
La la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaa (repeat)
We've been feelin' sad and low.
Cause this ship is very far from home.
Got no food stuffs or colurful TV's
But we have got positivity
Janeway:People on the shiiiiip
All: Trek up your life!!
Janeway:We're gonna take a triiiip
All: Trek up your life!!
Janeway: People on the shiiiiip
All:Trek up your life!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Warping to the left
Chakotay: Cause we're havin' a good time
All: Dodging to the right
Chakotay: Cause we know that we'll be fine
All: Warp it to the left (ha ha) or riiiight
Warping to the left
Chakotay: 'Cause we're having a good time
All: Dodging to the right
Chakotay: 'Cause we know that we'll be fine
All: Warping to left (ha ha)
GO WARP NINE HOLD TIGHT
la la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaa
la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaa (repeat)
We fought Kazon- kicked their butt
We lose crewmen - never seem to stop
We don't worry if we die
We'll just come back onto DS9!!
Janeway:People on the shiiiiip
All: Trek up your life!!
Janeway:We're gonna take a triiiip
All: Trek up your life!!
Janeway: People on the shiiiiip
All:Trek up your life!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Warping to the left
Chakotay: Cause we're havin' a good time
All: Dodging to the right
Chakotay: Cause we know that we'll be fine
All: Warp it to the left (ha ha) or riiiight
Warping to the left
Chakotay: 'Cause we're having a good time
All: Dodging to the right
Chakotay: 'Cause we know that we'll be fine
All: Warping to left (ha ha)
GO WARP NINE HOLD TIGHT
Janeway: I'm Captain
Tuvok: I'm Tuvok
Kim: But your head has got rocks
Paris: I'll make love on the floor
Torres: I'll headbutt the warp core
All: Do it, do it, do it- WARP NINE
Do it, do it, do it- WARP NINE
Janeway: ENGAAAAAAAAGE!!!
All: whoo hoo (general cheering)
Janeway:People on the shiiiiip
All: Trek up your life!!
Janeway:We're gonna take a triiiip
All: Trek up your life!!
Janeway: People on the shiiiiip
All: Trek up your life!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Warping to the left
Chakotay: Cause we're havin' a good time
All: Dodging to the right
Chakotay: Cause we know that we'll be fine
All: Warp it to the left (ha ha) or riiiight
Warping to the left
Chakotay: 'Cause we're having a good time
All: Dodging to the right
Chakotay: 'Cause we know that we'll be fine
All: Warping to left (ha ha)
GO WARP NINE HOLD TIGHT
Warping to the left
Chakotay: Cause we're havin' a good time
All: Dodging to the right
Chakotay: Cause we know that we'll be fine
All: Warp it to the left (ha ha) or riiiight
Warping to the left
Chakotay: 'Cause we're having a good time
All: Dodging to the right
Chakotay: 'Cause we know that we'll be fine
All: Warping to left (ha ha)
GO WARP NINE HOLD TIGHT
(They all applaud themselves and give each other high fives)
Tuvok: Mr. Neelix, is there any reason why we must persist with stupid idea
of singing.
Neelix: Oh come come Mr. Vulcan, you see the reaction it has on the crew.
Everybody is smiling and being happy.
Tuvok: ...and I have been called Lieutenant Pointy Spice sixteen times since
the inception of this plan.
Paris: (from conn position) Yeah well I have been called Stud Spice and ya
know- I kinda like it.
Janeway: Mr. Neelix's plan is good. The crew generally seem to enjoy this
tom foolery. As long as it doesn't affect our duty. Do you agree
Chakotay?
Chakotay: I'll let you know when my spirit guide advises me... (rolls up his
eyes and starts chanting)
(Communications tweedlesplurdge sound)
Kim: Captain, I am receiving a hail from the nearby planet.
Janeway: On screen.
(The screen displays Proffessor Stiffneck)
Stiffneck: Greetings strange vessel. I am Proffessor Stiffneck.
Janeway: I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager. What can we
do for you?
Stiffneck: We need your help
(groans from the bridge crew)
Janeway: What can we help you with?
Stiffneck: Our planet has been getting hotter and hotter for the past two
weeks. Our land is a virtual desert. The population has moved
underground but we fear that we may die before our planet has healed.
Kim: Captain, I believe the problem is due to extensive atmospheric
disturbances that are keeping in the heat from the planet.
Janeway: Can we beam down and examine the surface conditions?
Kim: I doubt it. The atmosphere is very dense. I don't wanna be on the end
of that transport beaming through all of that.
Janeway: (to Stiffneck) We'll let you know shortly- Janeway out (Screen
blips out) We can't get an accurate assessment of the situation
without ground surveillance. Harry, I want you, Tom and B'Elanna to
take a shuttle to the surface. Tuvok, I want you to work with the
Doctor and Neelix to come up with a solution to the problem.
Chakotay I want you to... errr....stay in a trance on the floor
there.
(Scene: Shuttlecraft. Paris, Kim and Torres are in the shuttle)
Tom: This is Paris to Voyager do you read me? (no response)
Torres: I knew this atmosphere was thick- but not that thick. And besides
when they communicated with us the they came in just fine.
Kim: They must have some sort of booster somewhere.
Tom: There's something about this whole thing that doesn't feel right.
(sung to "Something Kinda Funny")
All 3: There is something kinda funny going on
There is something kinda funny going on
Paris: Wherever we're flying, high or low
Some circuits always start to blow
Torres: I'll try to route the power from the mains,
Better that, than blowing our brains
Kim: Ooooh I love it when you two just start to fight
Oh, I guess you two will be married tonight.
We'd better hold on tiiiight
All 3: There is something kinda funny goin' on,
There is something kinda funny going on
Paris: I think that you will not ever find
What it is that has been on your mind
Torres: You are a fool and I know just what you think
Just shut up or get thrown in the brig
Kim: Oooh I love it when you two just start to fight,
Ooooh, I guess you two will be married tonight,
Better hold on tiiight...
All 3: There is something kinda funny going on
There is something kinda funny going on
Paris: I've got it, I've got it
Hey yeah, hey yeah (repeat)
All 3: There is something kinda funny goin' on
(repeat. Shot to outside shuttle, music fades as shuttle disappears into the
distance)
(Sick Bay. Doctor, Tuvok and Neelix are surrounding a console. They appear
to be watching while Neelix is maneuvering some sort of stick. Unbeknowenst
to them, Janeway has entered behind them)
Doctor: I have been working on the solution for this problem for sometime
now. I believe I almost have it solved.
Tuvok: Indeed it looks quite challenging, I commend you on your ability to
solve this- curious puzzle.
Neelix: Well Doctor, I don't know if I am as good as you but I think I am
almost there as well...
(Janeway springs up behind them. Camera pans around to show that they are
playing Bermuda Syndrome on their console. Doctor quickly taps a button and
a more trek-like display pops up)
Doctor: (trying to cover up) well err... So as you can see gentlemen, that
is why I believe we should be careful not to spill any... errr...
radioactive waste on planets...errr...because you never know what
they might..cause.as you can see on this simulation... (camera shows
crossed fingers behind back)
Janeway: (unimpressed) Doctor, that was very poor... and quite frankly I'm
shocked at the three of you. Playing games in this crisis?? Have you
done any work on the problem of the heated planet below???
Tuvok: It appears that an unnatural force has been tampering with the
atmosphere.
Doctor: Yes. My scans show an unusual concentration of particles, not common
amongst greenhouse affected planets.
Janeway: What sort of particles?
Doctor: We haven't determined that yet. Well, actually we do have a theory
but I am loathe to suggest it.
Janeway: Why is that?? You know a theory is just as acceptable to me as fact.
Neelix: Uuuh yes captain, but not to...them.
Janeway: "them" Mr Neelix??
Tuvok: I believe he is referring to those nefarious gangsters that delight
in smashing apart our scientific theories.
Janeway: Starfleet Science Division??
Neelix: (whispering) No!!! NITPICKERS!!!!! (The other three hush him up
because they realise that in the 24th century they cannot possibly
have nitpickers because the universe is perfect)
Janeway: Of course gentlemen. I understand now. But something is not quite
right. I wonder what it could be...
(sung to "Stop")
Janeway: We just flew in when we were hailed,
It's like they knew that we were coming
Tuvok: They seemed to know just what to say,
I understand how it looks funny
Neelix: And they knew we had the power just to help them,
And they knew that we just never would refuse them.
Doctor: Sounds like a trap, oh holy crap,
And we sent down Tom and B'Elanna
Janeway: Better call them or they won't last
Get in touch with them and real fast,
Should have known, we should have seen
Read the signs, drew the line and we wouldn't be in trouble.
All 4: Stop right there, thank you very much,
I need to find a way to get in touch,
Hey they're always on the run,
Have to slow them down so they can come back as one.
Do do do do do do do do do do do- Hope they're still together
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba- Hope they'll stay together
Tuvok: And they knew we had the power just to help them,
and they knew that we would never just refuse them.
Neelix: We know what they're up to and we're gonna stop them
They've crossed the line so we're gonna have to deal with them
Janeway: Better call them or they won't last
Get in touch with them and real fast,
Should have known, we should have seen
Read the signs, drew the line and we wouldn't be in trouble..
All 4: Stop right there, thank you very much,
I need to find a way to get in touch,
Hey they're always on the run,
Have to slow them down so they can come back as one.
All 4: We'd better track them quickly, 'cause theyir butts' on the line
And then we'll deal with all those phoneys who be wasting our time
We need more speed, a lot of haste,
We gotta get out of here before we pound in their face
All 4: Stop right there, thank you very much,
I need to find a way to get in touch,
Hey they're always on the run,
Have to slow them down so they can come back as one. (3 x)
Janeway: (during last chorus)
Stop right there, we're gonna save you, we're gonna save you,
Stop right there, thank you very much, thank you very muuuuch!!
Janeway: Well gentlemen, I think you know what needs to be done. I'll leave
you to it. Oh and Mr. Neelix?
Neelix: Yes Captain?
Janeway: You need to use your sword to kill those flying things- not your
shotgun.
(The three have shocked expressions on their faces as Janeway leaves. Cutesy
music in the background)
(The planet's surface. The shuttle has crashed- again. It looks like a write
off- again. Paris and Kim are going over the remains of the shuttle. Torres
is scanning the area.)
Kim: "We'll land this crate smoothly" you say. "No worries, not a problem,
I've dealt with this sort of stuff before" he says. The panel
beaters must really love you Tom.
Paris: HEY! It was not my fault that the inertial dampeners kicked out at
the last moment and we just spiralled uncontrollably to the surface.
You're lucky you're still here. You should be thanking me.
Torres: (chuckling) Yeah right Tom. Whatever you say. (turns serious) Hey
Tom, Harry, take a look at these readings. I'm picking up massive
interference in the atmosphere. It's like someone or something has
been trying to poison the atmosphere here. Whoever they are, they're
doing a great job of it too. There's so much pollution in that
atmosphere up there I'm surprised we didn't need a knife to cut
through it all.
Paris: I wonder if it's those guys that tried to bombard the planet with
asteroids again?
Kim: I doubt it. We scared them pretty good.
Torres: We should find some shelter and figure a way to get in touch with
the ship.
Paris: You know you look really sexy when you're sweaty B'Elanna?
Kim: (smacking forehead) Oh God...
Torres: What???
Paris: I'm just saying that you...
Torres: Tom, we are stuck on a boiling hot planet and you are trying to hit
on me again?
(sung to "Say You'll Be There")
Paris: I'm telling you on my knees that I think you are just so fair
Torres: Last time that we had this conversation we decided we should be friends,
But now, you've gone and ruined everything, tell me will this
stupidness ever end
Paris: So now you tell me you were never in love well I never ever thought that would be
This time, I better take it easy, throwing far too much pure hatred
at me.
Kim: Yet any fool can see they're falling,
I guess they'll wind up soon in bed
Torres: I'm telling you finally, if you don't stop now this I swear,
I will rip your lungs right out and I'll ruin your perfect hair
Oh, rip out all your hair, Oh won't you listen to me.
Paris: If you put you and me together you will see we could have lots of fun
If you can work this equation then we'll guess be as hot as the
sun.
Kim: There is a need to get a barf bag,
Cause I think I will soon hurl...
Paris: I'm telling you honestly on my knees to you this I swear,
that all that I want from you is visit to my own lair .
YEEEAH I WANT YOU
(during instrumental break Torres fights off his advances)
Kim: Yet any fool can see they're falling,
I guess they'll wind up soon in bed.
All 3: We'd better find some shelter or this I swear or we will no longer be
here.
Torres: I'm telling you finally, if you don't stop now this I swear,
I will rip your lungs right out and I'll ruin your perfect hair
Paris: (sung during chorus)
I'm telling you everything, on my kness I'll sing
You're so fair!
All that I want from you is promise that you will
see my lair
(as song fades out, camera pans back to reveal two scientists watching the
proceedings below. One grabs a communicator)
No-name extra: Professor Stiffneck- they have arrived.
Stiffneck: (over communicator) Bring them to me- alive!!!
(The crash site. Paris And Torres are cleaning up after themselves.)
Paris: I think we should be able to find some shelter near those hills over
there.
Torres: Sure, Tom. Where's Harry?
(they both look around frantically)
Paris: I wonder where he got...
(He stops. Camera turns to show Kim with a gun to his head. The other two
raise their hands and follow the leader)
Paris: This would never have happened if we weren't singing.
Torres: Shut up Tom.
(The Captain's ready room on Voyager. Janeway is seated at her desk reading
a screen. The door chime sounds)
Janeway: Enter. (Neelix enters the room. He carries a PADD) Mr. Neelix. What
can I do for you?
Neelix: Well Captain, I have brought the preliminary report from Mr. Tuvok
and the Doctor with our recommendations on it. We believe we can cut
through the atmosphere and establish communications if we route
auxiliary power through the communications grid, reverse the polarity
of the neutron flow and push the mysterious red button on your
console.
Janeway: Well it sure SOUNDS impressive, it can't hurt to try. See to it Mr.
Neelix. (Neelix stays where is. Janeway looks up at him) Was there
something else?
Neelix: Well..uhhh.. Captain. I was wondering if you could give me some
advice?
Janeway: What on?
Neelix: Well...I've been thinking it over and I think I want to join
starfleet.
Janeway: Well..this is...quite...unusual. Are you sure you want to? I mean,
we can't just drop you off at starfleet academy you know.
Neelix: I realise that captain, but I will do whatever it takes to get in.
What do you want me to do?
Janeway: What do I want?
(sung to "Wannabe")
Janeway: Oh I'll tell ya what I want, what I really want.
Neelix: Just tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Janeway: Oh I'll tell ya what I want, what I really want.
Neelix: Just tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Janeway: You better huh, you better huh (repeat)
You better really, really, really wanna join up real bad.
If you want this future, forget your past.
Gonna have to work real hard, if you wanna pass.
So don't be wasting my precious time.
If you want to join up, then that will be fine
Janeway: Oh I'll tell ya what I want, what I really want.
Neelix: Just tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Janeway: You better huh, you better huh (repeat)
You better really, really, really wanna join up real bad.
If you wannabe in Starfleet,
You gotta have lots of friends
Neelix: Gotta have lots of friends
Janeway: Put up with the homework
That stuff never ends
If you wannabe in Starfleet,
You have got to give.
You had better succeed or else you will not live
Now what you think about that,
Now you know how I feel.
Think you can handle all that?
Are you for real?
Now don't be hasty, might want to cry
If this really bugs you then just say goodbye
Janeway: Oh I'll tell ya what I want, what I really want.
Neelix: Just tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Janeway: You better huh, you better huh (repeat)
You better really, really, really wanna join up real bad.
If you wannabe in Starfleet,
You gotta have lots of friends
Neelix: Gotta have lots of friends
Janeway: Put up with the homework
That stuff never ends
If you wannabe in Starfleet,
You have got to give.
You had better succeed or else you will not live
So here's the story from A to Z
You wanna serve with me ya gotta listen carefully
You got chem in place, it really hurts your face,
You got geology which really is so easy
These do not come for free (and they're real heavy)
And as for pranks? Ha you'll see
Slam your body down and give me 20 now,
Slam your body down and give me 20 now,
If you wannabe in Starfleet,
You gotta have lots of friends
Neelix: Gotta have lots of friends
Janeway: Put up with the homework
That stuff never ends
If you wannabe in Starfleet,
You have got to give.
You had better succeed or else you will not live
If you wannabe in Starfleet
You better, you better (repeat)
work, work, work, work
Slam your body down and give me 20 now
Slam your body down and give me 20 now
ha ha ha ha ha ha
Slam your body down and give me 20 now
Slam your body and do it real fast.
If you wanna be in Starfleet.
Neelix: 20 what captain?
Janeway: PUSH-UPS!! LET'S SEE THOSE FAT CELLS BURN DO IT MAN, DO IT!!!!
Neelix: Er...yes captain..but how do you do them?
Janeway: Neelix, just go and prepare what you have to.
Neelix: Err....yes captain (backs out room bowing and fawning. As the door
opens to the bridge, insence fills the room)
Janeway: I'll kick that damn spirit guide if it ever shows it's face around
here...
(A waiting room on the planet's surface. Paris, Torres and Kim are inside.)
Paris: So what do you think they want with us?
Torres: Probably the usual thing this quadrant wants- our technology. Why
else would they poison the atmosphere.
Kim: Poison the atmosphere?? Just to get our technology. Sounds kinda
drastic if you ask me.
Paris: Desperate people do drastic things Harry.
(Door opens and in walks Stiffneck and Cutewun. They are both armed.)
Stiffneck: Well ladies and gentlemen, I hope you found the accomodations
adequate.
Paris: Yes they are quite- adequate. Hey, who's the babe..err... I mean the
assistant.
Stiffneck: This is my associate- Professor Cutewun.
Paris: Cutewun eh? How appropriate.
Torres: What do you want from us? Why are we being held captive here?
Stiffneck: We need your technology. Over the past two hundred years we have
rotted away our atmosphere to the point where it is very hot- as you
no doubt found out.
Torres: That did NOT happen over two hundred years. That happened over days.
You wanted us to find you didn't you? You completely ruined your
atmosphere just to get your hands on our technology.
Stiffneck: Something like that. Now, how do we get onto Voyager??
Paris: Well ya know Prof, there is a danger in having too much knowledge. We
have a saying on Earth that goes "Too Much Knowledge Is A Bad Thing".
Kim: There's another saying Tom- and you're full of it.
Paris: Thanks Harry- You're a great help. Look let me explain...
(sung to "Too Much")
There are times when it so hard to see,
What all of this stuff seems to be.
Big transporters, they're built to beam,
But if it goes, guess they'll never hear you scream
Torres: Yes you know it can be tragic yeah(Other 2: tragic)
And if you're not careful, it can be quite scareful,
It ain't no relief for me.
All 3: Too much of something can be real bad,
'Cause people think that it will work, it makes me wonder
When they have nothing, life's just as good,
You need to know just what to do to keep you satisfied
Kim: Just think of all the holodeck blow ups,
All of the times we're stuck in there yeah
It can be horrible,
If you don't know it can be really very terrible
Torres: Yes dear Kim you know he's truthful (Paris: truthful)
So just let us free and alone you will be
we don't wanna sound bashful
All 3: Too much of something can be real bad,
'Cause people think that it will work, it makes me wonder
When they have nothing, life's just as good,
You need know to just what to do to keep you satisfied
Torres: What part of this don't ya understand (Other 2: understand,understand)
You'll kill yourself unless you have the plans.
Have you got a plan?
All 3: Too much of something can be real bad,
'Cause people think that it will work, it makes me wonder
When they have nothing, life's just as good,
You need know to just what to do to keep you satisfied (repeat)
If you're not careful it's probably likely you'll fry,
Really not worth it so why even bother to try (repeat)
(As song fades the three become aware that they have not impressed their
hosts)
Stiffneck: You sing very nicely, and you put forward a good argument, but I
am afraid that it is too late.
Cutewun: Professor- we need to get back to the control center if we are to
ransom them as planned.
Stiffneck: You are right my dear. I shall leave you three alone now to try
and figure out a way of escape without us knowing it (evil laughs as
they exit)
Kim: These guys are not too bright.
Torres: I just hope they know how to cut through the interference and get us
out of here...
(Voyager bridge. Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok and Neelix are there.)
(Communications Tweedlesplurge)
Tuvok: Communications from the surface captain- It's Professor Stiffneck.
Janeway: On screen. (Stiffneck appears on screen)
Stiffneck: Ahh captain. We wish to report that we have found your shuttle
and crew. They are well for the moment. How long they stay that way
is up to you.
Janeway: (Butch voice) What do you mean "Is up to me"?
Stiffneck: We are holding hostage for the moment. After we get our hands on
your technology we will release the prisoners.
Janeway: You know that we can't do that. You ask for our help and this is
how you thank us?
Stiffneck: You have 6 hours to comply. Bye bye. (Screen blips out)
Tuvok: That man uses every cliché in the book. It is highly illogical.
Janeway: Cliché's- I avoid them like the plague. This is stupid. How did we
fall for this?
Tuvok: When you least expect something you often get it. At least that is
what has happened in my experience.
Janeway: Mine too. Chakotay- any thoughts?
Chakotay: (Still on floor rubbing two sticks together) Well captain, my
people have a saying that goes "oh hang on, I'm getting a message
from my spirit guide"..
(Janeway rolls her eyes.)
Janeway: We don't have time for this. Normally I would try and be diplomatic
but all this singing has given me a headache. Prime Directive be
dammed. They want our technology? We'll show them how good it is...
Are we ready to try to communicate?
Tuvok: We have made the necessary adjustments. All that is needed is to push
your mysterious red button and we should be ready.
Janeway: Alight then- let's do it. (she goes over to her console and pushes
the button. She then presses another button. Communications bleep.)
Tom, B'Elanna, Harry, can you read me?
(In the room)
Paris: Yes captain, we are being held hostage in here. They knew we were
coming and laid a trap for us. They want our technology something
bad.
(On the ship)
Janeway: Can we beam them out of there Mr. Tuvok?
Tuvok: I doubt it. Their atmosphere is so bad I doubt we can can even
maintain communications for too long- however if the landing party
were to set up some pattern enhancers we should be able to beam them
up and take control of their outpost.
Janeway: Mr. Paris did you hear that?
Paris: (over speakers) We copy that captain. But I think we'd like to get
our own back.
Janeway: Understood Tom. We'll bring some- presents- for you.
Paris: (over speakers) Thanks captain. Give us ten minutes.
Janeway: Ten minutes it is. Mr. Tuvok, assemble your team- they will not
know what hit them.
(In the room)
Paris: Okay we need to get out of here. Any suggestions?
(sung to 'Who Do You Think You Are?')
The race is on to get out of the prison
Torres: Won't be much time 'fore we'll start to be missin'
It's time to give just as much as we're getting
Kim: It is a lesson they won't be forgetting...
Paris: I wonder whoooooo do they think they are?
Torres: Do they think they are...
Paris: I wonder whooooo will break their cruddy arms..
Kim: We have got to...
All 3: Kick them, punch them, belt them, scrunch them
Show them who we are
Hit them, trip them, shoot them, flip them,
Show them who we are
Kick them, punch them, belt them, scrunch them
Show them who we are
Hit them, trip them, shoot them, flip them,
Show how good we are!
Paris: We're heading now in the right direction
Torres: I've got a buzz- like this feelin' I'm getting
Their thinking has gone far too wrong
Kim: We'll soon correct that bad thinking- then we're gone...
Paris: I wonder whoooooo do they think they are?
Torres: Do they think they are...
Paris: I wonder whooooo will break their cruddy arms..
Kim: We have got to...
All 3: Kick them, punch them, belt them, scrunch them
Show them who we are
Hit them, trip them, shoot them, flip them,
Show them how good we are
Kick them, punch them, belt them, scrunch them
Show them who we are
Hit them, trip them, shoot them, flip them,
Show how good we are!
We have got to get on out,
Get back our control,
We have got to get on out,
Then we'll get that goal
Paris: I wonder whoooooo do they think they are?
Torres: Do they think they are...
Paris: I wonder whooooo will break their cruddy arms..
Kim: We have got to...
All 3: Kick them, punch them, belt them, scrunch them
Show them who we are
Hit them, trip them, shoot them, flip them,
Show them how good we are
Kick them, punch them, belt them, scrunch them
Show them who we are
Hit them, trip them, shoot them, flip them,
Show how good we are!
(repeat first four lines six times)
Torres: (during repeated chorus)
Kick them, punch them, belt them, scrunch them,
Hit them, trip them, shoot them, flip them (repeat six times)
Paris: B'Elanna- I think you know what to do...
Torres: Right
(Torres takes a few steps back and then bows her head down and plows right
into the door. The door collapses. The three run outside and knock
unconscious the two guards outside. They start running down the corridor
looking into various rooms. Kim looks at one sign which reads "Shuttlebay"
and looks inside. He motions for the other two to follow him.)
(Shuttle Bay. The totalled shuttle is docked. Paris rummages through the
wreckage. Sirens start blaring. He pulls out three pattern enhancers.
Joyusness all round)
Paris: Got 'em (slaps communicator) Captain. We're ready!
Janeway: (over communicator) Standby Mr. Paris.
(Voyager)
Are we ready Mr . Tuvok (Tuvok nods) Proceed.
Tuvok: Engaging transporters...
(Shuttlebay)
Paris: I hope they get here sooooon.
(Beaming sounds. Voyager crew members appear with weapons. They throw phase
rifles to the three prisoners. Paris smiles)
Paris: LET'S ROOOOOOOOOCK!!!!
(sung to "Move Over")
(During this number the scene shows the takeover of the station by the
Voyager crew)
Crew: We are just the best, we are just the best Paris:Ah We are just the
best
We are just the best, we are just the best Just the best
We are just the best, we are just the best Just the best yeah
We are just the best, we are just the best
Don't we all love the noise,
We all know it's a fight, We just wanna survive (repeat)
It's over yeah, it's really over
'Cause it's over yeah, yeah, yeah
And we are just the best
Torres: Next phase, next stage, next troop, next wave
Kim: Let me tell ya 'bout a thing that'll put ya to the test,
It's challenge to the notion that says we are just the best,
We've got ev'ry need, ev'ry color, ev'ry creed,
Teach, always preach, listen up and take heed
Crew: Take the heat, feel flow,
'Cause you can't stop us now, 'cause we are on a roll (repeat)
It's over yeah, it's really over
'Cause it's over yeah, yeah, yeah
And we are just the best
Kim: Let me tell ya 'bout a thing that'll put ya to the test,
It's challenge to the notion that says we are just the best,
Paris: We've broken ev'ry rule, 'cause we're gonna look cool
respect and dedication is just part of what we say
Single crew members: Dedication, motivation, celebrations, domination, good
vibrations, Imagination, congratulation, flatulation, simulations,
mastur.. no never mind.
Crew: It's over yeah, it's really over
'Cause it's over yeah, yeah, yeah (repeat)
And we are just the best
We are just the best, we are just the best Paris:Ah We are just the best
We are just the best, we are just the best Just the best
We are just the best, we are just the best Just the best yeah
We are just the best, we are just the best
(As song fades out. The camera pans across a wasted science station. There
are a lot of injured people- of course no-one actually dead. Paris has a
very staisfied look on his face. He slaps his communicator. Camera pans down
to show that Stiffneck and Cutewun are at the end of his phaser rifle.)
Paris: Captain, I have the head scientists and we've taken over the station.
Janeway: Bring those scientists on board and tell the crew to minister to
the wounded.
Paris: Yes Ma'am
(Voyager Bridge. The crew are at their their usual stations except for
Chakotay who is on the floor chanting with his eyes rolled up- still. Paris
enters the bridge with Stiffneck and Cutewun in tow. He brings the two in
front of the captain.)
Janeway: Well I assume you two are the brains behind this.
Stiffneck: Professor Cutewun was acting under my authority. I take full
responsibility. We will accpet your punishment whatever it may be.
Janeway: Although we have run riot in your base and virtually obliterated
your society, it is our prime directive that we not interfere with
the natural evolution of a planet. If you wanted our help in fixing
your planet- you should have asked. As it is, we will repair your
base and restore the natural balance in your atmosphere. After that-
you're on your own.
Stiffneck: Understood captain.
Janeway: Let me put this another way...
(sung to "2 Become 1")
Janeway: Your whole race can live forever
If you can only work together,
If you believe it, if you believe it.
Chakotay: Free your mind of doubt and danger,
Be for real no need for strangers,
You can achieve it, you can achieve it.
Tuvok: Try a little bit harder people, you can try, you can try
'Cause if you dare to do it- your race will not die.
All: You'll need to work, like you've never ever worked before
Kim: Gonna sweat real hard now people,
All: And when you're fine'ly done. You will want no more
Kim: Gonna love things then you people.
All: You will then be free. It's the only way to be.
Janeway: Deadly games that you've been playing,
Only starts the tempers fraying,
You'll work it out now, you'll work it out now.
Torres: Then again if you endevour
You will find your way together
Take it or leave it, take it or leave it
Tuvok: You will have more fun than you can remember,
You must try, you must try
If you do dare to do it- your race will not die.
All: You'll need to work, like you've never ever worked before
Kim: Gonna sweat real hard now people,
All: And when you're fine'ly done. You will want no more
Kim: Gonna love things then you people.
All: You will then be free. It's the only way to be.
(during instrumental break camera shows the two professors crying)
Tuvok: Try a little more logic people,
You must try you must try,
'Cause if you dare to do it- you race will not die!
All: You'll need to work, like you've never ever worked before
Kim: Gonna sweat real hard now people,
All: And when you're fine'ly done. You will want no more
Kim: Gonna love things then you people.
All: You'll need to work, like you've never ever worked before
Kim: Gonna sweat real hard now people,
All: And when you're fine'ly done. You will want no more
Kim: Gonna love things then you people.
All: You will then be free- It's the only way to be
It's the only way to be (repeat)
(As music fades, Janeway hands the two professors a hanky.)
Stiffneck: (sobbing) You put such an elegant case forward captain. We WILL
work it out and make our race proud and strong.
Paris: Yeah, that's great. But if you come to the Alpha Quadrant- we'll kick
your butt right back here.
(general end-of-show type laughter. Cutesy music returns.)
(Exterior Shot of Voyager)
Janeway: (voice-over) Captain's Log Stardate...errrrr...I forget. We have
repaired the scientists base and cleaned their atmosphere so that it
was at the state it was in before they knew we were coming. The two
scientists have been deposed and now, it seems, life is slowly
getting back to normal on Voyager.
(Voyager bridge. Remnants of a camp-fire are on the bridge.Neelix enters and
stands in front of the captain)
Neelix: You sent for me captain?
Janeway: Aaah Mr. Neelix. I think it has just dawned on me that this singing
experiment you initiated has been carried a little too far.
Neelix: Too far captain?
Janeway: You see, I think it's a little too..kitsch...that we explain our
thoughts in song every time. Don't you agree Chakotay?
Chakotay: Hang on, I'll just consult my spirit...
Janeway: (very hastily stopping him from grabbing more sticks) Aaahhh on
second thoughts don't worry about it commander. (To Neelix) I'm
sorry Mr. Neelix but I'm afraid the singing stops here.
Neelix: If you say so captain. But how about just one more song and then
we'll close this chapter forever.
Janeway: Alright, alright but make it quick.
Neelix: (rubbing hands together) Alrighty then. Everyone, as we rehearsed...
(sung to "The Lady Is A Vamp")
Neelix: Kirk he was a big ball breaker,
Jean-Luc Picard- Bald legend maker
Tuvok: Captain Sisko kicked some ass,
Let them know Starfleet's got class.
Kim: We've got great guys up on top,
There is nothing we can stop...
Paris: We just need a big butch queen,
When they see her, bad guys scream
Torres: Who needs fat guys out in space?
Way back then they set the pace....
All: That's all in the past, legend's built to last,
But we've got something new
She's a power girl in this crazy world
And she knows just what to dooooooo
'Cause the lady is champ,
not a vixen nor a tramp
she's the b-b-b-b-b-b-best
come on Borgies do your best,
'cause you ain't seen nothing yet
She's the top of the top she's the best
Neelix: Tell ya, oh, we love her so
Torres: Sorry all you founders- as far as we know
Kim: She's a girl with a seven-year itch
Which has to mean that she is a bitch.
Paris: When you see her you'll applaud,
The fact this woman is no big fraud...
All: That's all in the past, legend's built to last,
But we've got something new
She's a power girl in this crazy world
And she knows just what to dooooooo
'Cause the lady is champ,
not a vixen nor a tramp
she's the b-b-b-b-b-b-best
come on Borgies do your best,
'cause you ain't seen nothing yet
She's the top of the top she's the best
Torres, Tuvok, Paris, Doc,
Chakotay, and Kim's the lot
Katherine Janeway's ready to roll
Ladies and Gents won't you please strap it in,
And we hoped that you enjoyed the shooooooooooooooooooooooow.
Janeway: (chuckles) Thank you very much.
(As final chords play- exterior shot of Voyager heading off into the sunset)
THE END |
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