BY KELLY GROSKOPH
DISCLAIMER: All characters featured in this parody are property of
paramount with the exceptions of Renee Tallacson and Danielle. Renee
is a Taranoid Monarch with unusual powers and Danielle is her peasant
friend.
(Shot of Voyager going by some nameless purple planet. Neelix has obviously
been making Turubian Beer as Tom is flying the ship in Loop-The-Loops. Cut
to bridge Everyone but Holodoc and Neelix are there)
TORRES: WOW!
JANEWAY: What is it leutenant?
TORRES: Harry hasn't said anything annoying in Thirty Min...
KIM: Are we there yet?
TORRES: (To Janeway) Never mind.
KIM: Are we there yet?
TALLACSON: Another 20 minutes.
CHAKOTAY: (Gives the look) 20 minutes?
TALLACSON: Family joke don't ask besides it shut him up didn't it?
NEELIX: (Enters via turbolift) Captain the turbolift is on fire!
TUVOK: I'll put it out (Grabs fire extinguisher)
TORRES: Where did you get that?
TUVOK: Don't look at me! I'm not in charge of props!
PARIS: Tuvok, What did you have for breakfast?
TUVOK: Neelix's garlic Leola Root
TALLACSON:Why would you eat that?
TUVOK: It was more logical than eating the soufle. That reminds me. Why is
it I've never seen you in the mess hall?
NEELIX: Yes I've never noticed you either Ensign
TALLACSON: I.... Uh.........Well you see....Um Mr. Paris why is it you
asked about Tuvok's breakfast in the first place?
PARIS: I was just thinking he should hold his breath when he puts out the
fire. You know what happens when hazardous gasses come in contact
with flame.
JANEWAY: Let me guess the ship will blow up
KIM: Yeah Plus it'll smell really bad.
ENTIRE BRIDGE: SHUT UP HARRY!!!
Q: Did I hear something about the ship exploding?
TALLACSON: Cool you're that alphabet guy I've heard so much about aren't
you?
Q: (Grits teeth) Yes I suppose that I am.
JANEWAY:Q what do you want?
TORRES: Probabaly to send us on crazy adventures so we get bad reviews like
he always does.
TALLACSON: No way! No ones sending me off to make a fool out of myself.
Q: Like you could stop me!
KIM: Tallacson will you go out with me?
TALLACSON: Yeah right! In your dreams Wang boy!
KIM: How did you know what I was dreaming last night.
(Rest of bridge laughs Tallacson rolls her eyes)
TALLACSON: I am NOT going out with you!
KIM: (Looks like he is about to cry) Why not?
TALLACSON: Because you're an annoying bastard that just won't die.
CHAKOTAY: Wasn't Q the main issue here?
KIM: Tallacson Will you PLEEEEEEESSE Go out with me?
TALLACSON: NO!
JANEWAY: Tallacson, Kim in my ready room now! (Kim is immediately inside)
ENTIRE BRIDGE: Ohh Tallacson and Kim are in trouble
TALLACSON: Shut the FUCK UP!
JANEWAY: Tallacson NOW!
(Cut to Janeway's ready room)
TALLACSON: Wuz up Kate?
JANEWAY:You are out of line Ensign!
TALLACSON: Sure whatever what do you want captain?
KIM: Am I in trouble?
JANEWAY: (Ignores Kim) I want you to go out with Mr. Kim
TALLACSON:(Makes Kim cover his ears) What? Why? He's sooo annoying!
JANEWAY:Thats exactly why I want him off my bridge and out of my hair.
Besides Harry likes You, Harry You can leave now (Kim leaves)
TALLACSON: No I'm not doing it.
JANEWAY: Fine I order you to go on a date with Harry Kim so there!
TALLACSON: (Mumbles something under breath. Instantly the viewscreen on the
bridge starts playing Barney reruns. Cut to bridge)
CHAKOTAY: For the love of god NO!
TORRES: It's hideous!
TUVOK: (Immediately faints into Chakotay's arms who drops him onto the
floor)
PARIS: Q MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!
(Meanwhile Kim is sitting in front of the viewscreen)
Q: (Snaps fingers and the view screen returns to normal) Yikes! Who started
that?
TALLACSON: (Returns to bridge with Janeway to find Tuvok passed out on the
floor, Paris and Torres cowering in each other's arms. Chakotay on
his knees with his hands over his eyes, and Neelix doing nothing
useful like always, Kim is still staring at the view screen while Q
is taking poloroids of the main cast.) Excellent!
JANEWAY: What the hell's going on here?
PARIS:(Stands up and dusts himself off) The view screen started playing
reruns of...of... (Faints and falls on Kim who is STILL staring at
the viewscreen)
JANEWAY: Reruns of what? Paris... Paris.. Reruns of what?
KIM: Barney it's my favourite show (Starts crying)
JANEWAY: Janeway to sickbay. Doctor do you read?
HOLODOC: Plaesa state the nature of the medical emer...
JANEWAY: Would you quit saying that everytime somone activates you? Now then
something happened on the bridge that has left Paris and Tuvok
unconcious. What can we do for them?
Q: You need to ask the hologram? (Snaps fingers two buckets of water appear)
Just do what they do in cartoons(Pours water over Tuvok and Paris)
See works like a charm!
KIM: I'm all wet (Crys harder)
JANEWAY: It's okay Harry now where were we before Harry interrupted us
again?
Q: I'm going to transport you to a concert on a cruise ship.
PARIS: You're notifying us ahead of time? Do you have some kind of immortal
disease?
Q:Oh shut up! (Snaps fingers)
(Tuvok Holodoc and Neelix find themselves on stage wearibg tight jeans and
tye dye t-shirts. 7of9 and Chakotay appear by a wading pool 7 faints at the
sight of Chakotay in a speedo. Torres and Paris appear in a Holoday suite
while Janeway Kim and Tallacson find themselves in the concert crowd cut
to stage)
NEELIX: What are we supposed to do? ( looks as if he's never held a
microphone before)
TUVOK: (Looks down at the electric guitar he's holding) I suppose we're to
play these instruments.
HOLODOC: Interesting (Does a number on the drums the crowd cheers) While
then what are we waiting for?
(Cut to crowd)
TALLACSON: Oh Q is soooo dead!
JANEWAY: I'll say Neelix can't sing for beans!
KIM: Tallacson will you dance with me?
TALLACSON: You'll step on my feet (catches Janeways expression) Yes Harry,
I'll dance with you.
KIM: Yeah!
(Cut to holiday suite)
PARIS: Where the hell are we?
TORRES: Who cares! Check it out a big screen t.v. and a bar!
PARIS: (Under breath) And a bed!
TORRES: Cool Deep Space Nine is on! God is Worf ever handsome!
PARIS (Turns off T.V.) B'Elanna we've got to get out of here!
TORRES: (Looks at him) Let me get this straight! You want to leave when
you're trapped in a bed room with ME! Have you lost your marbles?
PARIS: You're right (Picks her up and throws her on the bed)
TORRES: Ohohoh YES!
(Cut to crowd. Tallacson and Kim have finished dancing Tallacson is
rubbing her sore feet)
TALLACSON: Dammit Harry you broke my toenail!
JANEWAY: We've got to find the rest of the crew!
(Crowd parts, Tuvok, Neelix, and the Holodoc walk up)
NEELIX: Hello gang what have we found out so far?
TALLACSON: Harry can't dance and you can't sing!
NEELIX & KIM: Hey!
HOLODOC: We've got to find Chakotay and the others.
NEELIX: The commander is over by the swimming pool
JANEWAY: Let's go get him!
(Cut to wading pool. Chakotay is carrying 7of9 towards the trekkers.
Janeway smiles when she sees what he is wearing and Tallacson
nearly pukes on Neelix at the same sight!)
KIM: Are we there yet?
TREKKERS: 20 minutes!
HOLODOC: What happened to 7of9?
CHAKOTAY: I don't know! Is it just me or is it cold in here?
(Everyone looks at his torso)
CHAKOTAY: (Looks at Janeway) Oh SHIT!
JANEWAY: My thoughts exactly!
Q: Having fun?
TALLACSON (Sounds like someone out of a frankenstein movie) YOU! I'M GOING
TO KILL YOU!
JANEWAY : Wait Ensign Q, where are B'Elanna and Tom?
Q: I'm not telling you but they're together.
TALLACSON: (Can obviously read between the lines) Oh ypu bastard (Snaps
fingers Q is hanging from the ceiling in a straight jacket)
Q: Let me down! How did you do that?
JANEWAY: Renee, How did you do that?
TALLACSON: You mean this? (Snaps finger and Q is inside a kangaroo's pouch)
It's easy!
Q: Let me out of here!
HOLODOC: You mean you've had Q's powers the whole time you were on voyager
and you never told anyone?
TALLACSON: Hey it was a chance to keep my life private. Do you know how hard
it is to have a personal life when you're empress of a planet?
KIM: COOL! I'm dating a monarch!
JANEWAY: My god Harry that word is so big!
KIM: I saw it on Sesame Street!
7OF9: (Wakes up) Commander please put me down!
CHAKOTAY: Sure! (Drops her onto the deck) You need to lose some weight 7
7OF9: Inconcievable!
(Q manages to free his hands.. Snaps fingers and disappears leaving 7 in a
cheerleading outfit and Tallacson in a red bikini)
KIM: (Looks at Tallacson) WOW!
TALLACSON: I don't think so! (Snaps fingers and is dressed in a Taranoid
royals uniform) Much better!
CHAKOTAY: In that case could you um.....Help us (Points to Neeilx, Tuvok,
Holodoc and himself)
TALLACSON: I guess so (Says something no one can understand and everyone
except 7OF9 is in uniform)
7OF9: WE ARE BORG RAH! RAH! RAH! (Waves pom poms and does a funny dance)
JANEWAY: Will you please shut her up Renee?
TALLACSON: Sure (Snaps fingers and 7's mouth dissapears)
JANEWAY: That's not exactly what I had in mind. Oh well. Can you take us
to Tom and B'Elanna?
TALLACSON: Well...um...I don't know if you want to... Oh Okay (Snaps
fingers)
(Cut to Holiday suite, Tom and B'Elanna's clothes are scattered around the
room Tallacson kicks the door down)
TALLACSON: OH MY FUCKING GOD!! Sheild the boy!
(Neelix immediately covers Kim's eyes)
TUVOK: (Takes a look at Torres screams like a little girl and goes running
down the hall)
CHAKOTAY: B'Elanna what the hell has gotten into you?
TALLACSON: Come on commander didn't you see Day Of Honor or Revulsion?
CHAKOTAY: Oh yeah!
JANEWAY: Paris, Torres I order you to put your clothes on!
KIM: Tom and B'Elanna don't have their clothes on EEEEW!
TALLACSON: SHUT UP!
TORRES: Could everyone.. just.. kind of.. LEAVE! while we put our clothes
on?
JANEWAY: Very well (everyone but Chakotay leaves)
PARIS: Uhhh Commander you too.
CHAKOTAY: Okay, Okay (Leaves reluctantly)
(Five minutes later)
HOLODOC: Okay now we just have to find Tuvok. Which way did he go?
NEELIX: He went screaming down that hallway..
TORRES: Then lets go find him!
(Cut to back of stage, Tuvok is sitting down when he sees the trekkers he
gets up and starts running again. He's so busy looking over his
shoulder that he doesn't see where he's going)
JANEWAY: Tuvok look out you're goinng to fall in the (SPLASH) Pool.
TUVOK: HELP!! I can't swim!
TALLACSON :Tuvok thats the kiddie pool it's only 4 feet deep!
TUVOK: Oh1 (Gets out of pool)
KIM: Can we please go home now I gotta go Wee-Wee!
HOLODOC: Dammit not again! Can't you ever go before we leave?
(Tallacson says something and the crew is instantly back on the bridge)
Q: How the hell did you get back here?
PARIS: Q we have our own magic fingers person now Remember?
Q: GRRRRR!(Snaps fingers and dissappears)
KIM: Are we there yet?
ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW: 20 MINUTES!!!!!
KIM: Tallacson you said we'd be back in 20 minutes an hour ago!
TALLACSON: KISS OFF!!!!
KIM: OK! (Grabs Tallacson dips her backwards and kisses her on the lips)
TALLACSON: NASTY!!!!!! How DARE you parody boy! (Knees Kim in the balls)
KIM: Fuck Tallacson why in hells name did you do that?
(Everyone stares at Kim)
JANEWAY: I don't believe it. Tallacson you found a way to get Harry off of
parody mode! YAHOO!
NEELIX: What do you suppose triggered the switch?
JANEWAY: Lets find out. Renee kiss Harry!
TALLACSON: (Cringes) Do I have to?
JANEWAY : YES!!!!!!!!
TALLACSON: (Kisses Kim) Whoa! Talk about improvment!
TUVOK: How do you feel Mr. Kim?
KIM: Me? Better than ever!
CHAKOTAY: That wasn't it, Renee Kick Harry.
KIM(Gets kneed in the balls again) OW!(Starts crying)
TORRES: (Covers her ears) Kick him again! Kick him again!
TALLACSON(Kicks him again) Sorry Harry!
KIM: Oh the pain!
JANEWAY: That did it We'll just have to record the results.
TALLACSON: Well, I'm going to expirement with our first try!
KIM: (Picks Tallacson up and carrys her towards the turbolift) I have no
problem with that! (They leave)
PARIS: If they can do that.. (Heads over to Torres)
JANEWAY: NO WAY! You two have already made out once in this parody and
thats all I'm going to allow!
PARIS: (Curses under breath)
CHAKOTAY: Neelix, why don't you do your morale thing with Tom?
PARIS: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! (Runs towards the turbolift with Neelix on hie heels)
JANEWAY: Great! I've lost my helmsman, my cheif of operations, my morale
officer and my junior morale oficer the rest of you might as well
take the rest of the day off too!
TORRES: Really Great (everyone leaves)
JANEWAY: Damn I was being sarcastic. Oh well ! (Goes into ready room)
(1 hour later Kim and Tallacson walk onto the bridge which is deserted
except for a mouthless 7of9 still waving her pom-poms around)
KIM: Uh Renee, I think you forgot about Turbo-Barbie (Points at 7of9)
TALLACSON: Oops! (Snaps fingers and 7of9 is returned to normal) Where did
everyone go?
7OF9: The captian made an attempt at human sarcasm and told everyone to
leave. By the way were you making love Ensigns?
KIM: AND HOW!!!!! Kim to Janeway.
JANEWAY: (Comes onto bridge) What do you want?
KIM: Nothing I just wondered where you were.
JANEWAY: While I'm here so get the rest of the crew here too!
(Tallacson snaps fingers the nameless ensigns all appear at their
stations Neelix is sitting on the floor playing jacks. Tuvok is in
the captain's chair reading a Playboy, Paris is ironing his
underwear Torres is lying on a beach towel suntaning and Chakotay
is eating popcorn)
TALLACSON: Nice underwear Tom!
PARIS: SHUT UP!
TORRES: Tuvok what are you reading?
TUVOK: Sits on his magazine) Nothing!
JANEWAY: Now that were all here could someone tall me the point of this
parody?
TALLACSON: Well I was basically supposed to fuck up peoples lives, which I
did! I've got to go now and see what condition Danielle left my
planet in... (Snaps fingers and dissapears)
PARIS: Captain we're orbiting Earth!
CHAKOTAY: She sent us home!
THE END!!!! |
