An ALL-NEW Sliders/Voyager/X-files/Spider-Man Crossover!
"Sell-out."
By Jesse Glaspey.
Note: This story takes place after "What the Hell" And during a point of
Spider-Man's career when the Comic was selling.
PART 1: INDECENT EXPOSITION
Jesse Glaspey: Hi. Usually this is the part where we begin with a
narrator or Christopher Walken. Well. All narrators tend to get
fired by the cast, so I thought "why bother?" and Christopher
Walken is busy this week so I'll be the narrator for this story.
Now let's start this story with a bang!
(FIREWORKS GO OFF AND RAW IS ON THE AIR)
Jim Ross: Tonight we are going to have a good old fashioned
slobberknocker! Tonight, The Sliders in a Mixed tag match against
The Rebels!
Jerry "King" Lawler: (Pauses from strangling Jim Carrey) That's right!
Quinn and Colin Mallory, Cryin Man Rembrandt Brown and Maggie
"Madwoman" Beckett versus Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, Han
Solo and Chewbacca! It's gonna be a bloodbath!
(The Sliders music plays and the group comes to the ring. Maggie stops
and hits herself in the head)
Maggie: Daaaaaaa! I'M IN MY ZONE!
Colin: Quinn. How long til the slide?
Quinn: Ten minutes. Just do the intro!
Colin: I don't want to fight. I'm amish.
Quinn: Whatever. Save the Character intros for later.
Colin: (Pauses) Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all
ages...Sci-fi network is proud to present it's only show worth
watchiiiiiiinnnnngggggg! The Cryin' Man Rembrandt Brown! The
Slide god Quinn Mallory! The Fourth...Season...Sliders! (tosses
the mike to Quinn)
Quinn: And If you ain't down with Sliders we got one word for you:
Paradox!
(The Sliders, J.R., King and the fans shudder.)
(The Star wars theme plays, The Rebels come out. Chewbacca raises his
hands and as he brings them down. Fireworks go off.)
Luke: All right you Slider Jabroni's. If you're smart, You'll shut your
mouth and know your role! If you smell what the Jedi is cookin'!
(Maggie snaps and beats the rebels to death with a chair.)
Colin: How many minutes now?
Quinn: Five minutes.
(Maggie is now sitting in the corner rocking back and forth talking to
her bra. The crowd is getting restless.)
Colin: Is she always like this?
Quinn: On the good days.
(The Sliders go through the Rebels wallets and take their cash. They
mill around the ring looking at their watches. Fans start booing and
throwing food and beer in the ring. Hey, who can blame them. Third
season sucked!)
Quinn: Okay! It's time! (Activates the timer.) Maggie! Get up. Move it.
MOVE IT. MOVE IT! (Maggie skips through) Colin! Go! (Colin walks
through oblivious that he is the second most worthless
slider in history.) Anyone else?
Rembrandt: What about me? What about Rembrandt? (an Irate fan throws a
beer can at Remmy's head, hitting him and sending him through the
portal.)
Quinn: If you all wanna see an original slide gimme a HELL YEAH!
FANS and Jesse: HELL YEAH!
Quinn: Tough! (Quinn flips off the crowd and jumps through. Someone
throws a dirty sock in the wormhole. The wormhole is altered once
again.)
Jesse: Meanwhile in Washington....
(Mulder is at the computer, Scully is picking her nose.)
Mulder: So, Scully. What's happening today?
Scully: (digging deeper) Nothing. What are you doing?
Mulder: Looking for porn.
(Scully is silent. She flicks a booger at Mulder.)
Mulder: (oblivious to the booger now residing on his nose.) Let's go
investigate something!
Scully: What?
Mulder: Chupacabra!
Scully: Been there.
Mulder: Alien abductions!
Scully: Done that.
Mulder: Demonic possessions!
Scully: Yawn.
Mulder: How about instead of doing work, we just go for coffee and
donuts?
Scully: YES! Finally we are doing REAL FBI work! Let's go!
(Mulder and Scully rush out the door and walk around aimlessly in the
FBI basement hallways.)
Scully: Where is the exit?
Mulder: I don't know. Usually the editors just cut to the next location.
Scully: That's it! I want some damn coffee. This must be the way out!
(Scully walks into the Men's bathroom, then walks right out.)
Mulder: I think its in here! (Mulder opens a door to reveal a sliding
tunnel.)
Scully: Wow. Dunkin' Donuts really changed.
Unsuspecting Janitor who is about to bump into Mulder and Scully: Oops.
(Bumps into Mulder and Scully sending them through the wormhole.
Jesse: WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES!
========================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
-------------------
(Dean Martin's 'Ain't Love A Kick In The Head' starts playing)
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU...
(Mel Gibson is walking in the DS9 promenade, he bumps into O'Brien)
THIS IS PORTER
(Mel pockets O'Briens wallet)
DS9: PAYBACK!!!
Sisko: What's his name?
Odo: Porter.
Sisko: Porter?
----
Porter: I'm looking for a certain Dabo girl. Name's Leeta.
Quark: Prostitution is illegal and you're speaking Klingon.
(Porter pulls out some money)
Quark: Usually these transactions are transacted with more discrection.
(Porter slams Quarks ear on the table/door thingy)
----
(Porter is in a runabout with Weyoun pointing a disruptor at him)
Weyoun: Yep. I'm just going to march you into the Dominion headquarters.
(Porter grabs the disruptor out of Weyoun's hand.)
Weyoun: You're not gonna fucking kill me, are you?
(Another runabout pulls up, Ezri Dax and a whole mess of redshirted
ensigns pull out phasers.)
Ezri: Hubba hubba hubba!
(They fire on Weyoun)
DS9: PAYBACK! COMING SOON!
Sisko: That's mean man! That's just mean!
Porter: Stop it. I'm getting misty.
=========================================
Jesse: Now back to the future on Voyager...
(Janeway is sitting in her office sleeping. The ship then lurches and
Janeway is thrown from her chair into the door.)
Janeway: Captain to bridge: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Chakotay: We're teaching Seven to drive the ship Captain!
Janeway: (Walking onto the bridge) What? With her eyes closed?
Seven: Wheeeeeee! LEAD FOOOOOOOOOOOT! (The ship crashes into a modified
TIE fighter sending it careening into the cosmos)
Darth Vader: Shit.
Kim: Now, Seven. Let someone else drive.
Seven: No! I wanna assimilate some planets into the ground!
Paris: Look, Seven I have the new copy of Teen People! I'll let you read
it if you let someone else fly.
Seven: Alright! (Grabs the magazine) The cover story is about the FACULTY!
(The crew shudders.)
Tuvok: I find this fascinating considering Seven of Nine is an adult and
we're treating her like a child.
Janeway: Nah. You think that's bad. Check our writers out!
(Neelix brings out five monkeys, plops them in front of a typewriter and
lets them go to work. Neelix then hands the finished pages to Janeway.)
Janeway: What the hell? A fisherman with a hook kills a whole bunch of
teen superstars? GET THESE MONKEYS OUT OF HERE!
Chakotay: Hey. Who's flying?
Red-Shirted Ensign: I am. WHAT THE---?
(The ensign accidentally flies the ship through a wormhole.)
Jesse: Wow! What a show so far! With all these wormholes getting screwed
with, where will they lead? Let us see now....in the Marvel Universe.
(We see the Daily Bugle. Nothin'. We see Central Park. Nothin'. We see
Manhattan. Nothin'. WHERE THE HELL IS SPIDER-MAN? THIS ISN'T IN THE
SCRIPT!)
Spidey: HEY! Jackass! I'm in my apartment.
(Oh. We see Spider-Man in his apartment. Wait shouldn't you be solving
crimes or something?)
Spidey: Screw that. Talk Soup is on.
(Wait. This isn't in the script.)
Spidey: I said screw that. The way I see it, I've been re-vamped,
re-hashed, re-born, re-drawn and re-written. I've got a cartoon
that sucks, a movie that'll never be made, figures that make no
sense and a wife lusted after by millions of teenage dorks. I'm
hanging here 'til the others show up.
(Um...okay. By the way, where is Mary Jane?)
Spidey: Shooting something with that Buffy chick. I don't care. We're
not really married anyways. It's all part of the act. Now get with
the clincher and let's end part 1.
(S-s-sure. I guess. Meanwhile...A spacecraft nears earth)
Mystery Voice #1: We're nearing Earth now master!
Mystery Voice #2: I know dipshit. I heard the exposition.
Mystery Voice #1: Should we warn the humans of our arrival?
Mystery Voice #2: This would give them ample time to mount a defense or
find a way to assault me.
Mystery Voice #1: Do it?
Mystery Voice #2: Yep.
WHO ARE THESE MYSTERY VOICES?
WHERE ARE OUR HEROES GOING?
WILL MULDER AND SCULLY GET DONUTS?
DOES MAGGIE QUALIFY AS HARDCORE?
IF COLIN IS THE SECOND MOST WORTHLESS SLIDER, WHO'S THE FIRST?
WHO'S GOING TO BE DUMB ENOUGH TO GIVE SEVEN OF NINE A LICENCE?
CAN WE GET SPIDER-MAN TO FOLLOW THE SCRIPT?
ALL THESE AND MORE NINJAS THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT IN SELL OUT
PART 2: THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE NINJAS |
