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"Let's Do The Time Warp Again!"
By Jesse Glaspey
(Writers note: Read Donner's X-files/Sliders crossovers and The
Sliders/Voyager Crossover first. Not many references in this story
to them but read them anyways! DO IT! NOW!)
Opening Scene: Mulder is in his apartment watching porno, getting nothing
accomplished like usual. Not much else is happening until there's
a knock on his door. He opens it to see Scully.
Scully: Mulder, were you watching Spanktravision?
Mulder: (Switching off TV quickly) NO! Um, what is it?
Scully: There's a new X-file that just came in. Look at it. (Tosses Mulder
the file)
Mulder: (Looking at the file) It's brown.
Scully: READ WHAT'S INSIDE THE FILE, TWIT!
Mulder: (Reading the file) There are eyewitness accounts from L.A. and
video footage and pictures of a spaceship! Do you know what this
means, Scully?
Scully: A mass hoax or sweeps week on UPN.
Mulder: Are we supposed to uncover what really happened?
Scully: Or bumble around like usual.
Mulder: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's GO! (Mulder runs out of the
apartment. then walks back in and grabs his pants.)
MEANWHILE, In the far future........
(Voyager is travelling towards home, getting nothing accomplished like
usual.)
Janeway: Okay everyone, status report!
Chakotay: Boredom, Captain!
Paris: I'm that much closer to scoring with B'ellana!
Torres: I'm that much closer to killing Paris!
Tuvok: I'm that much closer to snapping like a twig and wiping all you
illogical punks of the face of UPN.
Kim: I gotta go wee-wee.
Kes: I'm underused!
Doctor: I'm overused!
Neelix: I have no reason to be used!
Janeway: Good. Everything's normal. Say, while we were talking, who's
piloting the ship?
Paris: Oops. (the ship flies into another time warp)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
===============================================
Coming soon to Fox! Krycek gets his own series! But his parents move back
in!
Krycek: MOM! DAD!
Boris & Natasha: SON!
Boris: You come to America and be big nogoodnik! Have you destroyed agents
Moose and Squirrel?
Krycek: Mulder and Scully.
Natasha: Same difference!
Krycek, Boris & Natasha! Right after Mr. Peabody and the Lone Gunmen!
===============================================
(The ship exits the time warp right over Earth. The crew cheers.)
All: Yay.
Janeway: Check the year! We might have time traveled!
(Paris looks at the computer.)
Paris: It's 1996. Damn.
Tuvok: Captain, may I suggest we be careful and not get spotted by this
era's inhabitants for once!
Janeway: No.
Tuvok: Damn.
Kim: Captain! We traveled back to 1996 again. But we have to be careful
or we'll run into our past selves that also travelled to this era!
And to make a long story short....
All: TOO LATE!
Kim: A paradox would happen!
Tuvok: Captain. Our sensors didn't pick up any other ships! Voyager is
here alone and Ensign Kim is stupid!
Janeway: Agreed. I'll be back. I'm going to talk to Leonardo Da Vinci.
(The crew gives blank stares at her.)
Janeway: ON THE HOLODECK! (Janeway leaves)
MEANWHILE on Earth, still in Washington D.C...........
(Mulder and Scully are at a Hooters.)
Scully: What does us eating here have to do with the case?
Mulder: Nothing. (Mulder pauses) Why?
Scully: SHOULDN'T WE BE FINDING OUT WHAT THAT 'SPACESHIP' IS?
(Every one stops and stares at Scully)
Scully: I'm not the crazy one! HE IS! (points to Mulder)
(A waitress walks over and drops a note by Mulder. Mulder picks it up and
reads it then rushes out of the restaurant, but not before he
gives the waitress his phone number. Mulder rushes out into the
alley and meets a mysterious person in the alley.)
Mulder: YOU!
Q: MOI?
Mulder: Waitaminute. You're not X.
Q: I'm Q.
Mulder: Do you work for M?
Q: I'm not that Q, twit. And I work for no one. I'm here to give you
information.
Mulder: How much do you know?
Q: (Pauses) Everything.
Mulder: What do you want?
Q: To warn you. Some one is also after that 'spaceship' and I don't want
that person on that ship. Find the ship and warn them and get
them home.
Mulder: Where do I start?
Q: Jesus CHRIST, MAN! Do I have to tell you everything?
Mulder: (Pauses) Yes.
(Q sighs and dissappears, Mulder is left in the alley alone. Scully walks
out and meets up with him.)
Scully: What was that?
Mulder: Bad chicken.
Scully: Let's get back on the case, I wanna hurry up and disprove this
thing so I can go home and watch TV.
Mulder: Well, pay the bill!
Scully: YOU DIDN'T BRING MONEY?
Mulder: No, did you?
Scully: No!
Mulder: RUN!
(Mulder and Scully make a break for it.)
Scully: Running from a Hooters, what else could go wrong?
(The Voyager appears overhead Washington D.C.)
Mulder: Great work, Harpe!
MEANWHILE on Voyager.....
(Paris is asleep at the helm.)
Paris: (Mumbling) Mmmmm...mommy I don't wanna be in Masters of the
Universe!
All: WAKE UP!
(Paris wakes up and before the ship crashes into the Washington Monument,
he lands it on the street.)
Torres: Great work, foolish lad!
MEANWHILE down in Engineering....
Ensign Expendable: Geez, can't this crew do anything right?
Ensign Abouttodie: Tell me about it.
(Mysterious figure beams in and vaporizes Ensigns Expendable and
Abouttodie. The figure steals the warp core. How? Don't ask me!
It's a PARODY Hot dammit! And while we're on the subject....)
DaVinci: Would you stop telling me that in the future, my devices will be
stolen by a man called Hudson Hawk! You blistering idiot. Now tell
me your problem again, Quinn.
Janeway: Katherine.
DaVinci: Whatever.
Janeway: Anyways, we've travelled back in time to an era we're supposed
to be visiting in our past, which creates an odd paradox and is
even more odd considering that this era is supposed to be in the
middle of a war with a ruler that looks like Ricardo Montalban!
DaVinci: There's one thing I don't understand.
Janeway: Just one?
DaVinci: You said you came to this era before. What day?
Janeway: Sometime in June.
Davinci: What time is it now?
Janeway: (Looks at computer) It's August! We're safe! Why didn't I think
of that?
DaVinci: Blistering idiot.
Janeway: KNOCK IT OFF! No one knows I programmed you after a lost love but
decided to 'edit' you. I'm happy now! Nothing can go wrong!
Torres: Captain, someone stole the warp core!
Janeway: Shit! I knew this would happen!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
===============================================
Coming soon to DS9...
A bizarre murder on the station...
A man from the past brought to the future to solve the case...
A man who will change the face of security on DS9...
SHAFT!
(Shaft struts down the corridor in a DS9 uniform)
Who's that Black security chief that's a sex machine to all the chicks?
SHAFT!
(Scenes are shown to the theme song of Shaft beating up everyone. Federation
personnel, Maquis, Dominion, Ferengi. EVERYONE! Then bedding all the DS9
ladies.)
DS9: Shaft! Coming soon from Paramount!
===============================================
(Mulder and Scully run up to one of the legs of Voyager)
Mulder: A spaceship!
Scully: Get real. It's a massive sculpture!
Mulder: What? ARE YOU BLIND? Look! IT! IS! A! SPACESHIP!
Scully: Prove it.
Mulder: Argh.
Meanwhile on Voyager...
Janeway: WHO STOLE THE WARP CORE?
Torres: Yeah, like that'll help.
Janeway: Well, are there any clues?
Torres: This. (holds up a stubbed out cigarette.)
Tuvok: Captain. We have visitors.
Janeway: Jehovah's witnesses?
Tuvok: FBI. (Turns the screen on. Mulder and Scully are pounding on the
outside of the ship.)
Mulder: Come out come out come out!
Janeway: Are the FBI always this dumb?
Chakotay: Look at their President.
Janeway: Well, do the usual!
Tuvok: Beam 'em up?
Janeway: Bingo!
(Tuvok works the transporter, beaming them up. Mulder starts to scream like
a woman. When they are beamed aboard Mulder's head is on Scully's
body and vice versa. Janeway enters the transporter room with
Torres, Paris and Chakotay. Janeway looks at Tuvok who is oblivious
to his screw-up)
Janeway: Did you do that?
Tuvok: Um, no! They were like that when they came up! Yeah that's the
ticket.
Mulder: (looking at his butt on Scully's head) Why didn't anyone tell me
my ass was so big!
Scully: (snickers)
Janeway: (to Tuvok) FIX IT!
(Tuvok re-transports them and fixes the problem.)
Mulder: Scully, quiet! I'll greet them. Eep op ork ah ah!
Janeway: Wha?
Mulder: Nanoo nanoo!
Tuvok: What is this moron doing?
Mulder: I'm trying to communicate.
Torres: Try saying 'hello'. Twit!
Scully: (To Torres) Back off, Ruffles! No one calls my partner Twit except
me!
Torres: 'Ruffles'?
Paris: Oh boy.
Scully: Yeah! Ruffles have ridges!
All: Oh boy!
Torres: WHAT? (Tackles Scully. They begin to fight.)
Mulder: (To Paris) Twenty bucks on the chick from Darkman 3!
Paris: You're on!
Janeway: Knock it OFF! You're acting like...like...
Tuvok: Jive turkeys!
(Everyone turns to Tuvok)
Tuvok: 90's talk.
Janeway: Who are you two:
Mulder: FBI. Agent Fox Mulder. (Shows Scully's ID.)
Scully: Agent Dana Scully. (Shows Mulder's ID.)
(They look at each other's ID's and switch.)
Mulder: We cover up paranormal phenomenon.
Chakotay: Good luck with this!
Scully: Who are you people?
Janeway: I am Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Enter...No, wait,
sorry. Voyager! We're from the far future and we were stranded on
the other side of the galaxy and struggling to get home when we hit
a time warp and it left us here on Earth in the past and then we
were forced to land because of a foolish helmsman and then someone
with a penchant for nicotine stole our warp drive and to make a
long story short...
All: TOO LATE!
Janeway: We're stuck here! In the past.
Mulder: Did...you...say...nicotine?
Scully: Oh god, here it comes!
Mulder: Cancer Man! That black lunged son of a...
Torres: Bitch?
Mulder: Yep.
Janeway: What?
Mulder: Cancer man. He's kind of our boss. This is his kind of M.O. Stealing
that warp thingy for himself! He must have done it!
Janeway: Do you have any proof?
Scully: Proof! We don't need no steenking proof! We're the FBI! We can do
whatever we freaking like!
Janeway: Hey! That's my motto. Let's help them.
(Paris, Torres, Tuvok and Chakotay agree. They all head to the bridge.
Mulder is staring at every alien they pass.)
Scully: Mulder! Stop staring!
Mulder: Aliens! I was right!
Scully: Aliens, bah! They're just extras hired by Paramount.
Mulder: You take the fun out of everything!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
================================================
Coming soon....to Sliders!
You've faced rip-offs of Anaconda, Tremors, Dusk to Dawn, Island of Dr.
Moreau, Jurassic Park and Twister! Now the Sliders face a new
threat like none they have ever faced....
MacCaulay Culkin: AAAAAHHHHH!
Quinn: Oh hell. Is this what we've come to?
MacCaulay Culkin: Yessssssss!
Wade: Shut up.
MacCaulay Culkin: I don't THINK so.
Rembrandt: Shut up!
MacCaulay Culkin: Are you ready to give up or are ya thirsty for more?
Maggie: THAT'S IT! (Maggie walks off and comes back with Joe Pesci and they
beat the hell out of that Culkin nimrod.)
Quinn: 'Bout time. Watch our show! Or we'll have Maggie sic Eric Roberts and
Lorenzo Lamas on your ass!
Wade: SLIDERS! Watch it! Or would you rather watch Urkel?
==============================================
(Janeway is assembling an away crew in a darkly lit room. Mulder and Scully
are standing behind her.)
Janeway: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go to Cancer
Lad's place...
Mulder: Cancer Man.
Janeway: Whatever. And steal back the warp core with Mulder and Scully's
help. Kes! You'll go along and do psychic stuff! Paris! Pilot the
shuttlecraft we're assigning you. Tuvok! You're the only one that
can shoot for shit. Kim!
Kim: What do I do? What do I do?
Janeway: Draw fire. GO!
(The crew goes to the shuttle bay and starts to board Shuttlecraft
Kalifornia.)
Mulder: (Struggling to get out of the shuttle) This is a BAD idea!
(They pull Mulder in and the shuttle takes off towards Cancer Man's place.
Five minutes later, they're stuck in traffic.)
Paris: GET OUT OF THE WAY PEOPLE! WE'RE ON A MISSON HERE! (Honking the
shuttle's horn.)
Scully: Can't this thing fly?
Paris:..............Okay. (Has the shuttle take off. They fly over to
Cancer Man's swinging apartment. As they to sneak inside they see
the apartment looks like something out of the 70's)
Mulder: My GOD! It's...It's...retro!
Kes: (Begins to sway) Too much...crap...Can't stand. (Kes passes out)
Tuvok: Where is the warp drive?
Kim: Ooh, a big lava lamp! (Kim looks aside)
Tuvok: Lava...lamp? (Tuvok goes up to the lava lamp and pulls a blanket
off it, revealing the warp drive) FOUND IT!
Paris: Say, has anyone bothered to check if Cancer Man is here?
Mulder: Why would we do that?
(A toilet flushes and Cancer Man comes out wearing facial mud on his face
and a velour bathrobe)
Cancer Man: (singing) I feel pretty...oh so pretty! I feel pretty and
witty and AAAAAHHHH! What are all of you doing here?
Mulder: You stole their gorf drive, bastard!
Tuvok: Warp drive.
Mulder: Whatever.
Cancer Man: And you expect me to let you take it back?
Tuvok: I just want to know one thing.
All: Just one?
Tuvok: How did you transport on board?
Cancer Man: I got some stuff from Ed Begley Jr.
All: Ohhhhhhh.
Scully: Well, before this gets weirder, we'll be taking the warp drive
back.
Cancer Man: What makes you think I'm going to let you take it.
Kes: (Waking up) Think about it, if we get back to the future, that's five
less people that have seen you looking like a complete dork.
Cancer Man: Hmm. Good point. But what about Mulder and Scully.
Mulder: We'll save this for the FBI Christmas party. (Takes pictures of
Cancer Man)
Scully: We'll be going now. (Scully and Kes walk out leaving the guys to
carry the warp drive)
Later on Voyager....
(The entire gang is in the engine room re-installing the warp drive. How?
Don't ask me! It's a PARODY hot dammit!)
Janeway: Well agents Mulder and Scully. I'd like to thank you for helping us
find our warp core. Now we can try to go back to the future.
Mulder: Take me with you! Please! I want to see what's out there.
Janeway: I'm sorry, we can't. We already have one ranting sycophant.
Neelix: That's me!
Mulder: Oh, in that case we'll leave.
Janeway: Beam them down!
Scully: 'Beam them down', bah! We're just going to be knocked out while they
drag our bodies out of the ship and take off.
Janeway: (aside to Chakotay) How did she find out?
(Mulder and Scully beam off and Voyager takes off.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
==========================================
Narrator: Later, on a special episode of Sliders. Comic Book World! Where
all comic book super types exist! Join the Mighty Quinn, Wonder Wade,
Crying Man and Maggie the Psychotic Hose Beast as the fight continuity
problems by just restarting the whole damn universe! And we've got a catchy
theme song!
Slider-man,
Slider-man,
Does whatever a slider can!
Wade is cute, Maggie's hot
Quinn is smart, Rembrandt's not!
Hey there, there go the slider-men!
Continuity, they've ignored.
Action is their reward!
Stay tuned! Here come the slider-men!
==========================================
Janeway: Now how do we get back to our time.
Q: I got it.
Janeway: Q? Why are you doing this?
Q: Gotta end this parody before it gets out of hand.
(Q crosses his arms and nods like Jeannie and brings them back to the
future and into the Delta Quadrant)
Meanwhile on Earth....
(Mulder and Scully are in Skinner's office.)
Mulder: And to make a long story short...
Skinner: Too late!
Mulder: We were on a spaceship!
Scully: Sir, Mulder was seeing things. We wandered onto Paramount studios
and Mulder's a trekkie.
Mulder: Am not! (Begins sulking)
Skinner: Forget it! Save it for the sequel. I have a more pressing case at
hand. There's an X-file in London, England. I'm assigning you two
to work with an agent in London. He's here to meet you!
Mulder & Scully: Who?
Austin Powers: Yeah, baby!
Mulder & Scully: Oh no.
Narrator: YES! On the next X-Files! Austin Powers: International Man Of
Mystery joins Mulder and Scully in a mission against evil!
Dr. Evil: That's DOCTOR Evil!
Cancer Man: Yes. Hahahahahahaha!
(Dr. Evil and Cancer Man begin to laugh maniacally)
-----------------------------------
Scully: I'll take this to the lab and analyze this.
Austin: Oh, behave!
-----------------------------------
Fembot: You can't resist us, Mr. Mulder!
Mulder: Au Contraire, It's you that can't resist ME!
(Mulder strips and blows up the Fembots)
----------------------------------
Scully: Judo CHOP! (Hits Random Task)
Vanessa: Judo CHOP! (Hits Krycek)
----------------------------------
X-Files: Austin Powers! Coming soon! Maybe. I doubt it, though. |
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