 |
Tom Paris is sitting in a shuttlecraft, which (as shuttlecraft are wont
to do)
is shaking violently, with sparks flying from every console.
"Warp 9... Warp 9.5... Warp 9.9..." Paris cries.
B'Elanna's voice booms from the shuttle's comms system. "Paris! You're
in trouble! The shuttle can't handle the gravimetric blah blah blah! Drop
out of warp!"
"No way! I'm gonna do this!" Paris retorts. "Warp 9.99... Warp 9.999..."
Suddenly, a massive explosion rocks the spacecraft. "I can't hold her!
She's breaking up! She's breaking --"
The shuttlecraft explodes, and all goes black. In the darkness, a voice can
be faintly heard: "Tom Paris. Starfleet officer. A man barely alive. We
can rebuild him. We have the technology..."
"Shut up, Harry." Paris mumbles. He's in the Holodeck, along with B'Elanna
Torres and Harry Kim. For the last month, the trio has been using the
simulator to test ways to break the Warp 10 barrier (a mathematical
impossibility, since warp curves are by definition exponential, but that
doesn't stop Paris, Kim and B'Elanna, who have never taken a math course).
--
Some time later, the three Starfleet officers discuss their failure in the
mess hall.
"I just don't understand it," mutters Kim. "With those new, improved
dilithium crystals which don't exist anywhere in the Alpha Quadrant but
which we just happened to find out here, we should have been able to hit the
Warp 10 barrier."
"I know," says Paris. "Starfleet has been trying to break that barrier
for over two centuries, so it DEFINITELY shouldn't take us more than a
month."
"If a ship could hit Warp 10, it would exist simultaneously at every
point in the universe," B'Elanna interjects. "There'd be no place in the
galaxy we couldn't reach in the blink of an eye!"
"Why are you telling us this, B'Elanna?" asks Paris. "We already know all
that."
"Exposition," she replies mysteriously.
Kim puts his head in his hands. "If only we had an Infinite Improbability
Drive," he sighs.
Neelix approaches the table where the threesome sit. "Hello, Earth folk!
You look like you're engaged in some heavy thinking, which happens to be
my specialty! Perhaps I can be of assistance!"
"Go away, Neelix," grumbles B'Elanna. "Over two centuries worth of Starfleet
scientists have worked on this problem and failed. I don't see how you could
come up with any kind of solution."
"Try me," Neelix replies. "Perhaps, in my usual
well-intentioned-but-bumbling
manner, I can stumble upon the answer. It's the only reason you people
tolerate me, anyway."
"Come on, B'Elanna. What have we got to lose, except our sanity?" asks Kim.
B'Elanna steps away from the table. "I'm going to get some food."
Neelix takes a seat. "Now. What seems to be the problem?" he asks, looking
in turn at Paris and Kim.
"Well," sighs Paris, "whenever we approach Warp 10, the baffle partates start
to buckle, causing the matter/antimatter flow in the Cochrane intermix
chamber
to realign itself. To compensate, more dodecahedron particles have to react
with the waxon particles streaming through the hull, which means power output
decreases, then surges. Finally, the 200 megaton circuit breakers kick in,
causing the entire console to dissolve into a fine ash, and... ka-boom!"
Neelix strokes his chin. "Hmm. 'Ka-boom.' That reminds me of a story."
"Oh, God," Paris mutters, glancing up at the ceiling in a prayer for divine
intervention.
Neelix ignores Paris' remark and presses onward. "Back in my younger days,"
he continues, "I was a cook on board a Talaxian cruiser, and I would serve
this dish that we called M'hacca Ronian Tcheez, which..."
Kim shoots Neelix an exasperated look. "Come on, Neelix, what does that have
to do with anything?"
"Waaaiiiit a minute," Paris interrupts. "Neelix is right! If we place
macaroni elbows in the intermix chamber, their curved, tubular interiors
should redirect the matter/antimatter flow! The Dobbs processors would
continue to operate normally..."
Kim chimes in. "...meaning that the restructured antiproton beam will
convert
the resultant radiation into delicious crouton particles..."
"...and those particles, in turn, would lubricate the warp nacelles, thereby
permitting the shuttlecraft to achieve Warp 10!" they finish in unison.
"Plus, they would cure virtually every known form of disease, and eliminate
hatred, war and poverty forever," Neelix adds.
By the time B'Elanna returns, Neelix has also discovered how to create a
stable wormhole, engage in transgalactic telepathic communication, and
build three Defiant-class starships using only the cardboard tubes from
rolls of used toilet paper.
--
Word of the discoveries soon spreads throughout the ship. Paris is told that
he will pilot the first shuttlecraft trial. But later that night, Captain
Janeway stops by Paris' quarters.
"Good evening, Captain. Would you like to have sex?" Paris asks.
"Later," says Janeway. "Tom, I've come to give you some bad news. Doctor
Whatsisface has told me that you have a slight defibrillation in your cerebral
cortex, which if left untreated could cause you to become a drooling
nymphomaniac."
"So?"
"So your condition could be aggravated by a Warp 10 shuttle ride. I'm afraid
I'm scrubbing your mission."
Paris stares slack-jawed at Janeway. "Wh... what? You mean that you've
decided to do the logical thing and send an unmanned probe on this dangerous
mission, since a human presence isn't required?"
"No, I'll be sending Kim," replies Janeway. "I've been trying to get rid of
that brown-nosing whiner for MONTHS."
"C... Captain, you can't do this," Paris cries. "Ever since I was a kid, I
wanted to be somebody! I figured this was my only chance! To get my name
in the history books, right next to the Wright Brothers, Neil Armstrong,
Zephram Cochrane, Wally West, Ambassador Spock..."
"Ambassador Spock?" Janeway asks.
"Yeah, as 'Lead Character in the Stupidest Star Trek Episode of All Time.'
Remember 'Spock's Brain?' I can beat that! I KNOW I can!"
"You may still have your chance, Tom," sighs Janeway. "All right, you can
go. I just wanted you to know the risks."
--
Sometime later, the first shuttlecraft trial begins. Paris, piloting the
shuttlecraft "Gene Roddenberry Must Be Rolling In His Grave," achieves
warp, and Voyager follows.
"Warp 9... Warp 9.5... Warp 9.9..." Paris reports. "Whoa. Deja vu."
"I didn't catch that, Lieutenant," B'Elanna reports over the shuttlecraft's
speakers.
"Nothing. Almost there... Warp 9.99... Warp 9.999... Warp Ten!"
Suddenly, a bright white light envelopes Paris. Stunned, he cries out:
"My God, it's full of stars!"
The shuttlecraft flashes and disappears.
Tuvok glances up from his console on Voyager's bridge. "Captain, the
shuttlecraft has vanished!"
"What?!" shouts the Captain. "You mean we weren't able to keep up with one
measly little shuttlecraft traveling at infinite speed? Didn't anybody
anticipate this?"
A muted silence is her only response. Tuvok looks down at his feet and
starts to fidget.
"Well, so much for Mr. Paris," Janeway says. "And we've lost another
shuttlecraft as well. Too bad. Mr. Tuvok, set course for..."
"Captain, wait!" cries Ensign Kim. "The shuttlecraft just appeared
about two
parsecs away!"
"Fascinating," Tuvok says evenly. "Since Mr. Paris was traveling through
every point in the universe, with no way to control where he stopped, the
odds of his appearing anywhere near our spacecraft are approximately six
bazillion bajillion vermillion to one. What an amazing coincidence."
"Just very, very improbable," Janeway replies. "All right, bring him
aboard."
--
Presently, Paris lies recovering in Sickbay. "It was incredible!" he
exclaims.
"I was... everywhere at once! I could see this ship! I could see Earth!
I could see up the skirts of every sentient female in the universe!"
Janeway clasps Paris' shoulder in a manly gesture of camaraderie.
"Congratulations, Mr. Paris. You've beaten every record. Well, except maybe
for Spock's."
Paris grins. "The day is young."
Janeway muses for a moment. "Think of it, Lieutenant. With this new
technology, there is nothing we won't be able to accomplish. We'll be all-
powerful. We'll have the ability to go anywhere in the universe
instantaneously. We can acquire data on anything, from anybody, at any time,
and nobody will be able to stop us. And we won't be able to 'boldly go where
no one has gone before' anymore, because we'll have already BEEN there!"
"Huh?" Paris asks, puzzled.
"Never mind. Suffice it to say, you've changed the face of Star Trek
forever." Suddenly, Janeway frowns. "But that would change the status quo,
too. Worse, it would change the show's formula. We can't have that.
Something will happen to prevent us from using this technology. It must!"
"I can't imagine what could possibly... agh!" Paris cries out, the veins
in his temples suddenly throbbing as he falls to the floor. "Good guess,
Captain," he rasps.
--
Some time later, Paris lies in Sickbay. Bladders in his forehead pulse
in and out. He has lost most of his hair. He is surrounded by a
quarantine field which contains a methane/ammonia atmosphere, the only
thing that he's now capable of breathing. He gurgles and howls
unintelligibly.
"Bummer," says Kes.
"See, Paris?" Janeway smugly announces. "I told you so."
"He looks like Neelix with leprosy," B'Elanna says. She smiles suddenly at
the prospect.
"He's died three times since breakfast," Kim says in despair. "I've only
died once in this entire series. It's not fair!"
The Doctor chimes in. "His celluloid membranes are behaving erratically.
He seems to be constantly reshaping his DNA on a molecular level. His
hip bones are no longer connected to his thigh bones. His thigh bones are
no longer connected to his knee bones. His knee bones are..."
"What does that mean in layman's terms, Doctor?" Janeway asks.
"To put it simply... he's a big ooky mess."
"Thought so."
"Is there anything we can do to restore him to his original form?"
queries Kes.
"We can pull off all the prosthetic appliances and makeup. He'll look good
as new."
Kes glares at the Doctor. "I mean within the context of this show," she
growls.
"Oh, sorry," the Doctor abashedly replies. "I believe we can bombard his
body with metaprotein particles. These will restore the isotropic balance
of his remaining human DNA and miraculously undo every trace of what's been
done to him. Unfortunately, the only place with enough metaprotein particles
to do the job is in the engine room by the warp core, the one place where he
can inflict the most damage."
Janeway reflects for a moment. "Oh, what the hell. It's probably germane
to the plot. Make it so."
Paris, sitting up from his bunk, calls out to Kes. "K.. Kes..." he gurgles,
forcing the words out. "Grant... a dying man's... last req-request... Kiss
me..."
Kes, looking at the melting flesh of Paris' face, contemplates the notion
with
horror. "No thanks," she says. "I swear, Tom, you'd try to mate with
anything on two legs."
"Only... two...?" Paris rasps, then keels over, dead.
"Oh, not again," Kim says, rolling his eyes.
--
Paris, locked into restraints, is alive again and lying next to the warp
core.
Janeway and Company are safely situated in another room, watching the
proceedings on the monitor.
"We're focusing the metaprotein particles onto Paris right now," B'Elanna
says from the monitor. "His original DNA is reasserting itself, but not at
the level we hoped it would. He's also getting a nice tan."
"All right," replies Janeway. "Increase the dosage."
Behind B'Elanna, two Imperial Stormtroopers, clad in their distinctive white
armor, enter the engine room, holding a captive Wookie between them.
B'Elanna
turns.
"Prisoner transfer, from Cell Block AA23," one of the stormtroopers
announces.
"I wasn't notified," B'Elanna responds. "I'll have to clear it." She turns
once more towards Janeway on the monitor.
Suddenly, the Wookie breaks out of his restraints. "Look out, he's loose!"
a stormtrooper cries. "He'll tear us apart!" shouts the other.
Inexplicably, the first stormtrooper fires at B'Elanna, and then at the
monitor. The screen dissolves into static. The lights in the room flicker
and die, and explosions rock the ship.
"What's going on down there?" Janeway cries. Then, like any sensible
captain, she turns on her heels and runs...
...but not before running into Paris, who now looks like a rock wearing
camouflage paint. He whonks the Captain over the head and drags her off.
--
Commander Chakotay, on the bridge, surveys the flickering lights.
"The phaser fire in the engine room has damaged the warp core, the lighting,
the sensor array, the transporters, and the espresso machine," Kim reports.
"We can't determine where Mr. Paris is, or transport him into a holding
cell."
"Typical," mutters Chakotay. "All right. Start doing a standard
deck-by-deck
sweep of the entire shi..."
"Commander!" cries Kim. "The shuttlebay has de-pressurized! A
shuttlecraft is
leaving the bay!"
The warp core goes back on line. The lighting stops flickering. The sensor
array becomes fully functional. In a corner, the espresso machine starts
perking away happily.
"Gosh," says Kim. "Everything just started working again, right after Paris
escaped!"
"What an amazing coincidence," Chakotay mumbles sardonically. "God, I hate
this ship."
"Our sensor array -- say, did I mention that it just started working
again? indicates that Paris and Janeway are both on board the
shuttlecraft. Plus,
the shuttle is powering up its warp drive," reports Kim.
"Great," Chakotay replies. "Chase after them with our warp engines -- which,
likewise, just started working again."
As one, both ships leap into hyperspace.
B'Elanna, recovered from her blaster strike, runs onto the bridge.
"Commander, I just figured out what's been happening to Paris! He's been
evolving into a higher life-form! It must have something to do with his
passing through every point in space! He must also have passed through
every point in time!"
Chakotay, fed up, whirls on B'Elanna. "That is the most ridiculous excuse
for a scientific theory I've ever heard! Why did Paris, and ONLY Paris,
evolve into a higher life-form? How come we don't have bacteria the size
of small dogs running around the ship? For that matter, why didn't the
shuttlecraft (which, incidentally, we are now chasing) evolve into ITS
eventual form -- namely, a big pile of rust? Would have saved us a lot of
trouble, you know?"
"Look, do YOU have any better explanation for this whole insane sequence of
events?" B'Elanna counters.
"We can explain it away with meaningless scientific doubletalk and
technobabble later," Chakotay retorts. "In the meantime, we have to catch
that shuttle..."
And then, with Paris and Janeway still on board, the shuttlecraft leaps into
Warp 10...
--
Three days later, on the surface of a nameless world, two large lizards lie
basking in the fumes of a nearby swamp. Between them, three smaller versions
of the same species sit in a small, protective hole.
"Bud," the first one croaks.
"Wei," the second one croaks.
"Ser," the third one croaks.
Nearby, transporters whine, and Tuvok, Kim and B'Elanna materialize in a
clearing.
"We have found them," Tuvok says, pointing a tricorder at the two lizard
parents.
"That's... that's Paris and the Captain?" B'Elanna asks in astonishment.
"But they've had... children!" She points at the three smaller lizards,
which slink away into the swamp.
"They definitely take after their mother's side of the family," quips Kim.
"So. This is the final evolutionary fate of the human race," Tuvok observes.
"It would appear that intelligence is not a necessary trait for survival."
"Absolutely not," Kim replies. "I mean, just look at the crew of Voyager."
"Errrm... How do we tell which one is which?" B'Elanna asks.
Kim points to one of the two lizards. Its hair is neatly pulled into a bun.
"That's the Captain," says Kim.
--
Janeway, sitting on one of the Sickbay beds, is looked over by the Doctor.
"It seems you will suffer no long-term ill effects from your...
metamorphosis.
The metaprotein particles have done their work," the Doctor says.
"Congratulations, Captain. You are human again." [I couldn't have made
that line up if I tried.]
"Thank you, Doctor. Now excuse me," Janeway says, pulling herself up to
Paris.
Paris, looking pained, apologizes to Janeway. "Captain, I'm sorry. I don't
remember much about... what we d..."
"It's all right, Mr. Paris. Besides, what makes you think YOU were the one
who started it?"
"Captain!"
"I mean, you looked so CUTE, Tom. That long, thick tail... those beady
eyes... the scales..."
"Captain, please..."
Janeway brings her voice down to a whisper. "I've never admitted this to
anyone before, but... I'm amphibisexual. If my partner isn't dressed in an
iguana costume, I just can't enjoy myself."
"Captain! I don't want to know!" Paris shouts, indignant. Suddenly, he
pauses. "Although... I have to admit... it was kind of... fun."
"Hmmmm...." Janeway murmurs.
"Hmmmm...." Paris murmurs.
Voyager speeds off into the interstellar night.
--
Random notes from the author:
1. The Warp 10 barrier has now been breached. The absurdity of what happens
at Warp 10 -- that those making the journey evolve into higher
life-forms -- is merely a small technical hurdle, as demonstrated by
the fact that Janeway and Paris are still walking around on two legs.
Just sprinkle the Magic Faerie Dust on the afflicted crew-member, and...
Presto! Good as new! Consequently, expect Voyager to make it home
within 2 or 3 episodes. Or, alternately, expect this episode to be
completely forgotten by next Monday, when it's swept into the Dustbin
of Discarded Plots.
2. A shuttle traveling at Warp 10 is now the ultimate intelligence-gathering
device. All ya gotta do is haul a big enough computer aboard a shuttle,
race around the universe at Warp 10 for a few days or weeks, and voila!
You know everything about everything. So much for Star Trek's
"voyages of
exploration."
3. Would you be able to take your Captain seriously if, the week before, she
had evolved into a giant newt and had several lizard children with
another
member of the crew? I sure as hell couldn't. |
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
