"I Don't Caretaker"
The Voyager is pulled into the Delta Quadrant by the Blob who they in turn save from the Kazon, a race with really bad hair.

"Para Ex-lax"
Janeway give Torres the job of chief engineer after she saves the ship and lies on her resume.

"Time and Again"
Paris and Janeway save a planet from destruction but forget about it by the time the episode is over.

"A Phage in Harlem"
Ugly aliens steal Neelix's lungs and refuse to give them back, so Neelix takes one of Kes's.

"The Cloud"
The Voyager is eaten by an alien and gives it indigestion

"Eye of the Needle"
Voyager finds a wormhole, but doesn't go through because it's too small. (Haven't these people ever heard of spacesuits?)

"Ex Post Cereal"
Tom Paris is convicted of murder. His sentence is being forced to watch "Spock's Brain" every fourteen hours for the rest of his life. Janeway decides that it is too cruel, so she gets him off.

"Emanations"
Harry Kim dies, so the Voyager goes off hunting for dylithium.

"Prime Time Factors"
Torres, Seska, Carrey (not Jim), and Tuvok almost gets the Voyager home so Janeway grounds them.

"State of Confusion"
Seska decides she likes the Kazon better.

"Heroes and Demons"
The Doctor tries to reason with a bad special effect.

"Cathexis"
The crew is possessed by an evil spirit that turns out to be Chakotay.

"Faces"
Torres beats herself up.

"Jetrel"
Neelix makes nice with the guy that blew his family to smithereens.

"Learning Curve"
Tuvok teaches special ed. and the Voyager gets the flu. Best line in Star Trek history: "Take this cheese to sickbay"

SEASON TWO

"The 37's"
Emilia Earheart is found in the Delta Quadrant. When offered a ride on Voyager, she decides she'd rather stay behind.

"Initiations"
Nog holds Chakotay hostage and threatens to kill him. Chakotay teaches him the value of life, so Nog kills his captain instead.

"Projections"
The Doctor turns into a real person, so Barcaly tries to convince him to blow up the ship.

"Elogium"
Kes goes into heat. Meanwhile, the ship is attacked by organisms who try to mate with it.

"Non SeaQuest-er"
Harry Kim winds up on Earth then kills Tom Paris to get back.

"Twisted"
The Voyager crew forget where the bathroom is.

"Partuition"
Neelix and Paris play mommy and daddy to a bad hand puppet. Neelix finally hits Paris.

"Persistence of Vision"
Janeway's boyfriend tries to take over the ship. Kes beats up Neelix.

"Tattoo" (De plane, Boss! De plane!)
Someone finally tells Chakotay about that thing that's been on his forehead for the past two seasons. A bird beats up Neelix.

"Cold Turkey"
Kes goes on an arson spree.

"Picard Manuvers"
Chakotay is raped.

"Resistance"
Janeway proves she is willing to use her body to get what she wants.

"Prototype"
Robots kidnapps Torres to help them win a war with other robots. She doesn't get mad though because they are all so polite.

"Alliances"
Janeway proves she is a hypocrite. "Prime directive? What prime directive?"

"Threshold"
Tom Paris breaks the warp barrier, evolves into a salamander, and fathers the captain's babies... all in the same episode. Was this trip really nessesary?

"Meld"
Tuvok has to endure, "that time of the month."

"Dreadlocks"
Torres beats up a missile.

"Deathwish VIII"
A member of the Q continuum becomes mortal and has to join the Voyager crew. He commits suicide shortly thereafter.

"Lifesigns"
The Doctor gets a girlfriend, who tries to kill herself shortly thereafter.

"Investigations"
Neelix introduces the crew to his version of "Hard Copy". Tom Paris finds out that Micheal Jonas is sending love letters to the Kazon. Neelix finds out that Jonas is planning to sell his story to "Inside Edition", so he kills him.

"Deadlock"
An accident causes a twin Voyager to form that starts to get better ratings than the real Voyager so Janeway lets the Videeans kill them.

"Innocence"
Tuvok saves a bunch of kids from dying, but after he starts singing, they decide death is better.

"The Thaw I Taw a Puddy Tat!"
Janeway outsmarts a clown.

"Two Vicks"
Neelix and Tuvok have a baby, but Janeway kills it after the crew decides that they like him more than they like her.

"Resolutions"
Janeway and Chakotay are stranded on a jungle planet. Chakotay tries to get romantic, but Janeway decides she'd rather play with a monkey.

"Basic Instincts: Part One"
The Voyager crew is evicted.

SEASON THREE

"Basic Instincts: Part Two"
Chakotay tries to make friends with some cavemen, but they just want to kill him. He gets mad and sets Janeway's hair on fire. Meanwhile, the Kazon find out about Voyager's bad gas mileage and gives it back.

"Flashback"
Tuvok begins having bad dreams so he blames them on Captain Sulu who was mean to him.

"The Shoot"
Kim and Paris are thrown into a prison where everyone has the clap. Harry finally tries to kill Paris.

"The Swarm"
The Doctor turns into Rain Man and Janeway decides, "to hell with the prime directive!" (Finally!)

"False Profits"
Some Feringi beat up Neelix who goes crying to the captain, who sends them home.

"I Can't Remember What This Episode Was Called"
Torres kills her boyfriend and blames it on an old lady.

"Sacred Ground"
Janeway is hazed.

"Future's End: Part One"
Voyager is met by a ship from the 29th century who wants to kill them too.

"Future's End: Part Two"
Janeway kills Ed Bagley Jr. because he's not funny. Captain Braxton from the 29th century, sends her home before she can find Bob Saget.

"The Landlord"
Kes conquers a planet and blames some dead guy.

"The Q and the Grey"
When Q promises to get the Voyager home if Janeway has sex with him, Janeway decides they are better off in the Delta Quadrant.

"Macrocosm"
Janebo cures a cold the hard way.

"Fair Trade"
Neelix fears that his usefullness on Voyager may be coming to an end. Janeway doesn't have the heart to tell him that he never had any use on Voyager in the first place.

"Leggo of my Ego"
A killer hologram kidnapps Tuvok, who bores her to death.

"Coda"
An alien tries to convince Janeway that she's dead but when she sees the crew crying at her funeral, she suspects deception.

"Blood Fever"
Torres has to make love to Paris or die. Disgusted, she beats up Vorik and feels better.

"Unity"
Chakotay helps create a kinder, gentler collective.

"Darkling"
The Doctor tries to kill Kes's new boyfriend and blames it on Ghandi.

"Rise"
Tuvok and Neelix get high.

"Favorite Son"
Harry has to escape a planet populated by extremly horny women before he gets a terminal case of the cooties.

"Real Life Stories of the Highway Patrol"
The Doctor creates the perfect family. It can be turned off at will.

"Distint Origin"
Spacefarring dinosaurs track down Voyager looking for their relatives but find out Bob Dole has been dead for three centuries.

"Displaced, Disallusioned, and Just-Plain Dised"
Janeway's worst fears are realized when the crew gets replaced by people from Hootervile.

"Worst Case Senario"
Seska comes back as a hologram, but shoots herself when she's told that she has to bunk with the Doctor.

"Scorpion"
Squid kick the borg's ass