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By David Hopper. David@hop-per.demon.co.uk
As we all should know, Terry Farrel is leaving ( or has, depending on when you read this for the first time ) Deep Space Nine. To put it mildly, this has annoyed a lot of the fans. I have decided however, at great risk of getting e-bombed, to write and post this parody on ways to kill off Dax. This is not meant to be taken as a sign of disrespect to Miss Farrel or the Star Trek writers. Remember, this is for fun, and if your one of those fanatics just repeat the following. It's just a TV show, it's just a TV show, it's . . .
Feel free to add others.
Disclaimer: Paramount all owns all things Star Trek. I don't, I'm just borrowing them. All will be returned in good condition, except Jadzia, who may be a bit bruised.
Death scene 1:
- Dax is seen walking down a corridor, innocently minding her own business. A dark looking shadow is silently following her.
Dax: (singing) Tum, tee tum, tee tum. Oh what a lovely day to be alive.
Figure in the shadows: (jumps on Daxs' back and brandishes' a knife) DIE TRILL SLUT! (stabs Dax fifty five times)
Dax: AIIEEEE! OUCH! Ah! that hurt! OH!
Figure: I feel your pain. (Leaves Dax lying in a pool of blood)
Death scene 2: - O'Brian and Dax are busy in the engine room of the Defiant. Its a red alert situation, so of course its dark. No one else is there.
Sisko: Chief, how's it going with the warp core?
O'Brian: We may have to eject it to cool it down, sir.
Sisko: Oh well.
- Suddenly the computer churps up.
Computer: Warning. Warp core breach in ten seconds.
O'Brian: Shit. (runs out and locks doors) Computer eject the core.
- The computer obliges and the warp core is seen being dumped in space, complete with Dax.
Dax: What the? Holy shiiiiiiiiii- (explodes due to the radiation of space.)
Death scene 3: - Sisko's office. Dax is with him.
Sisko: Look old man, I need you to escort Dukat from the brig to the Defiant.
Dax: No biggie.
Sisko: Unarmed.
Dax: Ah huh.
Sisko: And wearing this special uniform.
Dax: (holding up Classic Trek shirt) Gee, you want me to wear this, RED shirt?
Sisko: Yeah, any problems?
Dax: Yeah. What's this?
Sisko: Starfleets new emblem.
Dax: Looks like a bulls eye.
Sisko: Oh, its perfectly safe to wear.
Dax: Oh, really.
Sisko: Yeah. Its not like their going to kill a regular cast member.
Dax: True.
Sisko: But then, there was that Tasha Yar business.
Dax: (looks fearful.)
Death scene 4: - Dax is in a shower (oh yeah!!) soaping her self down, the water is running down over her soaked hair. Suddenly she hears a noise, like a door opening. "Who's there?" She calls, blinded by the soap in her eyes. Suddenly the shower curtains are pulled aside and a knife is help up in the air by a black gloved hand. "DIE TRILL SLUT!" says the shadowy figure as she starts to stab Dax repeatable. Dax screams as she is stabbed and hacked away by the mystery figure. The Enterprise E is later seen whizzing away at warp 9.99999 while Dax is left to dry out in the shower with a knife stuck in her body.
Death scene 5: - The holo suites. Bashir is busy showing off his archery skills.
Bashir: Jadzia, just stand next to that tree there, with this apple on your head, will you?
Dax: Sure.
Bashir: (takes aim, and fires) Ooops.
Dax: (arrow embedded in her chest) Nice shooting, Tex.
Death scene 6: - Dax is piloting a lone Runabout through the Bajoran wormhole. The prophets this time decide to see just how far they can through her and blast her into the middle of Kazon territory.
Cullah: Ah, you must be from StarFleet.
Dax: Yeah?
Cullah: Excellent. Fire at will.
Death scene 7: - Dax, wearing the Red shirt, is escorting Dukat through the promenade to the Defiant.
Dukat: Oh, nice. . . it was of you to offer to take me to my room, captain.
Dax: I'm a Lieutenant Commander, Dukat. You know that.
Dukat: Oh, I know that. I also know that you will never progress beyond that rank (hits Dax across the head, and steals the phaser that a passing by StarFleet security gut is holding out for him.) Take this bitch! (blast Dax full on in the bulls eye, thus vaporizing her. Then he goes off to Quarks where there is a major celebration.)
Sisko: Good work there that man.
Death scene 8: - Dax is baby sitting Molly while Keiko and Miles are out for a romantic candle lit dinner. When suddenly Wesley arrives out of no where.
Dax: Who the hell are you?
Molly: uh oh.
Wesley: Hi, I'm Wesley Crusher.
Dax: Wesley? Crusher? Worf and Miles told me about you. (Grabs hold of a phaser and blast at Wesley, who simply disappears so the beam misses him. Unfortunately it shatters the window and Dax and Molly are sucked into space. )
Wesley: Oh, well say hi to Tasha for me.
Death scene 9 - Dax's dead body is laid out on the morgues slab. Her body is bruised battered.
Bashir turns to Worf.
Bashir: OK, what were you two up to this time?
Death scene 10: - Jadzia dies, but Dax survives and is implanted into a new host. The new host confronts Worf.
Male Dax: I still love you.
Worf: Uuurgh! (grabs hold of Bat'leth and slices the poor guy apart.)
Sisko: (aside to Bashir) Better contact the Trill homeworld. Tell them we need another new host for the Dax symbionat.
Death scene 11:
- Dax is sitting by herself at a table in Quarks, where for some reason the music is deafeningly loud. Lt cmmdr Data comes up to her wearing shades, black leather jacket and motorbike boots.
Data: Jadzia Dax?
Dax: (looks up) Yeah?
Data: (produces hand phaser and fires it at Dax, who ducks and avoids it. The blast kills some hapless bystander)
Dax: Oh shit. (Runs for it)
Data: Hasta la vista, baby. (Fires indiscriminately, killing various off duty StarFleet and Bajoran crew members and Dabo girls)
Quark: Hey! Stop killing the customers.
Data: (vaporize part of the bar in front of Quark)
Quark: kill them, kill them all. What do I care? Non of my concern.
- Data chases Dax into a waste disposal unit. Data corners Dax in a corner filled with equipment, including a giant potato masher that Dax crawls into to escape him.
Data: Oh no you don't, sorry, do not. I saw that picture as well. (Activates masher and squashes Dax)
--
David Hopper
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