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Location: Ops on a typical day, all of the DS9 crew is there, including Jake
who is helping O'Brien work on the Quibildy Doop Whatsisits. Suddenly, the
transporter activates and three men in expensive suits appear.
Sisko: What the...!? Who are they!? O'Brien, did you beam those guys up?
O'Brien: No sir! Jake?
Jake: Don't look at me!
Suit #1: Hmmm, well guys, it looks like we have our work cut out for us.
Suit #2: Yes we do indeed.
Sisko: Who are you people?
Suit #1: Ah, you must be Avery Brooks. Listen babe, NBC bought the
rights to Deep Space Nine and we're here to make a few changes to
increase the ratings.
Sisko: Changes? Who is NBC? And who is this Avery Brooks guy?
Suit #3: [to O'Brien] Colm, test audiences like you because you remind
them of Scotty. We want to exploit that.
O'Brien: What the hell... [Suit snaps his fingers] ...are ye talkin'
about? What the...!? Why am I talkin' like this? Arrrgh! I
canna take much more!
Sisko: What did you do to him!?
Suit #2: [ignoring Sisko] All rightly then. Who's next? Oh yeah, [goes
to Dax] Terry, we want to make you look more beautiful to attract
more horny teen-agers.
Dax: Huh? [suit snaps finger and instantly Dax is wearing a short
miniskirt-uniform] Wow!
Sisko: THAT'S ENOUGH!!! Odo, take care of these guys!
Odo: With pleasure sir.
Suit #1: Oh yes, Rene, you play the shapeshifter who got his powers taken
away from him, right?
Odo: How did you know about that?
Suit #1: Our test audiences think that you aren't interesting anymore, so
you're off the show.
Odo: I don't have time to listen to this, you're under... [suit snaps
fingers and Odo disappears]
Sisko: What did you do to him!?
Suit #2: Oh, don't worry Avery, he'll do a guest shot about once or twice
a season. But in the mean time, we've got a brand new security
chief for you. [the turbolift rises out of the floor revealing
Tasha Yar in a DS9 uniform]
O'Brien: Tasha! Lass! What are ye doin' here? You're suppose ta be dead!
Yar: I don't fell dead.
Sisko: Worf, draw your phaser!
Worf: Gladly sir.
Sisko: FIRE! [Worf shoots the Suits with the phaser. No effect]
Worf: I don't understand it! I was shooting rats with it this morning!
Suit #1: OK, now we have this issue with you Michael [points to Worf]
Audiences don't think you're warm and loving enough.
Worf: Klingons are NOT warm and loving.
Suit #1: Whatever, well, we've decided to bring Alexander onto the show.
Worf: Who?
Kira: Your son.
Worf: Oh... Oh God, NO!
Alexander: [emerging from behind Yar] Hi daddy!
Worf: Alexander... It is... [ick] good to see... [to suits] Don't do
this to me!
Suit #3: [to Jake] Now, Cirroc, quite frankly your character isn't going
anywhere. Hmmmm...Can I here you say, "What you talkin' 'bout,
Willis?"
Jake: What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? [covers his mouth and looks
surprised]
Suit #2: No, no, no! The sassy black kid craze died in the '80's!
Suit #3: Perhaps you're right... What if we made him a genius?
Suit #1: Like Wesley Crusher!
Suit #3: Precisely! [snaps finger]
Jake: What the...!? Chief, perhaps if you reversed the quasimodo retro
ganimeed array, you could get more spectral cohesion from the beta
alpha particle generators!
O'Brien: The particle generator! Why lad! You canna just bypass the
tetrehedral hybeepostrals like that!
Jake: Don't talk back to me you old coot!
Sisko: Stop this! You can't just come in here and change what you please!
Suit #1: [to Kira and Bashir] Now, Nana and Alex, test audiences think
that this show needs more love and gratuitous nudity, so we want
you too to fall in love.
Kira: THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS... Why, Julian, have you always had such
beautiful eyes?
Bashir: And have those ridges on your nose always been that sexy?
Kira: Take me now Julian!
[Bashir and Kira start having a heavy makeout session behind the science
station. As they drop out of view, various articles of clothing
fly everywhere.]
Sisko: THAT'S ENOUGH!!! [Sisko marches to the Suits and stands less than
an inch from his face] I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHO YOU ARE OR WHERE
YOU COME FROM, BUT I WANT YOU OFF MY STATION!!!
Suit #3: Yes! Avery! You just gave me a great idea! From now on, we
want you to wear sunglasses and an earring.
Suit #1: Oooo, can you change your name to Hawk?
Sisko: [trying to pull sunglasses off of his head] Hawk!?
Suit #2: That's the spirit!
Suit #1: One more thing, test audiences really like your fatherly
qualities, so we want Sisko to adopt a cute blonde Macually
Culkin-type kid.
Kid: [jumping into Sisko's arms] Test audiences find me irrwesistable!
Sisko: [dropping kid] Well, I find you wepulsive!
Well, we've done our job here. Let's go visit the Babylon 5 sets now.
Suit #1: Remember guys, keep those ratings up!
[the suits disappear leaving Sisko in Ops which is now bustling
with activity. Jake and O'Brien are arguing about gingivitis
flabegastral doohickeys. Bashir and Kira are more than likely
making passionate love out of sight behind the science station,
Worf, Tasha, and Alexander are yelling at each other about
security procedures, and Dax is parading her new uniform for
Quark. Sisko rubs his temples, then walks slowly into his
office, shutting the door behind him.]
Sisko: Captain's log, Stardate 49999.9: Deep Space Nine is under siege by
strange lifeforms in expensive suits that appear to be able to
change people with the slightest whim. Recommend starfleet place
DS9 under quarantine immediately!
Deep Space Nine just isn't safe
anymore! |
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