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Guest Stars: John Hurt, as Aragorn, son of Arathorn,
The cast of Cheers.
A DS9/Aliens parody crossover by David Hopper. Parody started on 03 March 1999. Parody finished on 1st April 1999
Based on a suggestion on the Sev Trek Idea Board by: The Lone Ensign.
Featuring another gag by the self same Lone Ensign.
Warning : The following parody contain: profanity, sexual innuendo, swearing, extreme violence on a (hopefully) comedic level, and bad jokes. If you don't like that, don't read this.
(A shot of a Runabout it seen passing through an empty patch of space)
Bashir: (Voice over) Chief Medical officers log, stardate 2 to the power of 8 squared.
Odo: (Voice over) Oh, please.
Bashir: What?
(The scene cuts inside the Runabout, Odo is in the pilots seat, Bashir is at one of the side consoles. A no name in yellow is standing at the center console at the back.)
Odo: You StarFleet officers are always finding new ways to make up log entries dates off the top of your head, aren't you?
Bashir: (smirking) No.
Odo: Yes you are. Last week it was "stardate 90210", today it was "2 to the power of 9"
Bashir: 8.
Odo: 8.
Bashir: Squared.
Odo: Whatever.
No-name: Er, sirs?
Odo: Don't interrupt, No-name.
No-name: But, sir-
Odo: And then the previous week on the station I heard Dax come up with some really weird long number, that sounded more like the combination to someone's luggage, then a log entry.
Bashir: What was the number?
Odo: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Bashir: 1, 2, ,3 , 4, 5?
Odo: Yes, 1,2, 3, 4, 5, what kind of idiot would use that as a log entry date, let alone a luggage combination?
No-name: That's the combination on Captain Sisko's luggage.
Odo: (glares at No-name) The point is, there's no consistency with your dating system at all.
Bashir: That's because we have bureaucrats running StarFleet
Odo: I noticed.
(an alarm goes off. No-name starts working on his console)
Odo: What is it?
No-name: It's the consoles the prop department added to the Runabout set for some reason after season 4, but that's not important right now.
Odo: The alarm you twerp.
No-name: It's a loud noise meant to attract attention, but that's no- (Odo morphs his arm into a tentacle, wraps it around No-names neck, and starts to crush the air out of No-names lungs.) It's warning us (CHOKE!) that's there's a great big (HACK!) ship (COFF!) right ahead. (Odo lets No-name go)
Odo: Can we identify it?
Bashir: Checking records.
Odo: Well?
Bashir: (Confused) Spaceballs?
No-name: Shit.
Odo: I beg your pardon?
No-name: (shrugs shoulders) Well, there goes the episode.
Bashir: There's no life signs. We'd better approach with caution.
Odo: We're not going anywhere near that.
Bashir: Yes we are.
Odo: What's the point? There's no life forms on board, there's no one to save. What use is there for a doctor?
Bashir: I'm StarFleet. Being a nosey git is part of the job description.
Odo: (groans to himself) Why? Why do I put up with them?
(Run Opening Credits. Cut to Ops on DS9. Sisko is throwing his baseball at Dax)
Episode Title: The new breed.
Dax: (Caught unawares on the head) Ouch! Ben, that hurt.
Sisko: That's the idea.
Dax: Yeah, but you can't just go around clobbering people with a baseball. They'll bruise.
Worf: Who would notice another black mark on your head anyhow?
Dax: Huh? Your supposed to be on my side, "dearest".
Worf: Considering your, going to die at the end of this season, should I even bother talking to you?
Dax: Oh, well who got up out of the wrong side of bed today?
Worf: We never GOT any sleep last night, or, don't you remember about that Gimp suit you wanted to try out last night?
(Everyone in Ops, regulars, no-names, and guest cast stop what their doing, and stare at Dax and Worf.)
Dax: (To everyone in general) Yeah, and? You KNOW I'm a nymphomaniac at heart.
Sisko: (Coldly) We, know.
Dax: Haven't you got better things to do?
Rom: Errr, I gotta see Leeta. (Walks out nervously)
Kira: (with not very much enthusiasm) I could go beat up Quark.
O'Brien: The stations upper pylons could do with a tune up. And after that, I promised to show Jake how to hot wire the Defiant.
Sisko: Good, wel- WHAT? Chief?
O'Brien: Just joking, sir.
Sisko: Thank god for that.
O'Brien: I'm teaching him how to drink Morn under the table.
Sisko: Ah, right. WHAT?
(INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Have you read all your favorite Star Trek parodies over and over again, till you know each line and can annoy your friends and colleges by your endless recitals?
You can?
Would you like to gain access to the "missing parts" of various parodies featured on this site?
From David Hoppers Spoof Trek: The Confused Generation, the missing scene where Quin holds up Quarks with a Disrupter made by ROM out of replicator parts.
Quin: Arrgh! My hand!
Odo: So, it backfired on you huh? Now what was the point of this hold-up?
Quin: 858585 Mindless violence rules?
From Jason Gaston "Space: Behind and Between", the sex scene between Janeway and Darth Vader and the Sam Beckett Castration scene.
Janeway: Look at the size of it.
Vader: Do not underestimate the POWER of the dark side of the FORCE!
From "The Enterprise strikes back" the plot.
Certain to annoy your friends even more and alienate you from even your mother.
Just send A32.99 (UK) or $2.95 (US) to Sucker@Rip.Off.Merchants
(END COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(Cut to Spaceballs one. No one is there, except Odo, Bashir and No-name, who are scanning around for things to do and write up in their reports.)
Odo: Why do we have to do this?
Bashir: I told you before, StarFleet. rules.
Odo: Does it? Since when did the Federation seize control of the galaxy? I thought the Dominion were trying to do that?
Bashir: You know what I mean.
Odo: (shocked) Doctor,
Bashir: (Concerned) Yes?
Odo: I think, I see something on you.
Bashir: What? WHAT? Tell me, what?
Odo: The sun, shinning out of your butt.
Bashir: Oh, hardy ha, ha. The Constable does have a sense of humor.
No-name: (consulting tricorder) I'm picking up something. It's two meters away, egg shaped, and is behind this glass sheet.
Odo: Amazing, modern technology. It can tell you what something less then three feet away looks like, even better then your own eyes can when it's directly in front of you. One of these days, you StarFleet types are going to end up in deep trouble because of your lack of reliance on your own senses. No wonder MY people are winning this war.
Bashir: Touché.
Odo: (points a finger at Bashir, and proceeds to waggle it at the man, before storming off.)
No-name: What's with him?
Bashir: Who knows?
Odo: Lets get this thing examined then.
Bashir: On the Runabout.
Odo: What?
Bashir: We have the proper facilities there.
Odo: What about that damned tricorder in your hand?
Bashir: Not powerful enough to get me the readings I want.
Odo: (looking like he's wanting to slap his forehead.) Damn plot ideas. I'm going to kill the writers one of these days.
(Back on the station, Quark's to be exact. Morn is sitting at a Dabo wheel, with a huge pile of gold pressed latnium next to him. Quark is fuming,)
Quark: It's not as if he doesn't have enough of the stuff in his damned stomach anyway. Hey, waiter #2, start using the "special" features on that table. We gotta turn that losing streak into a profit margin.
Kira: Okay Quark, you got five minutes to explain what those weirdo's are doing over there.
Quark: (looks around the bar at the various races of Humans, Bolians, Vulcan's, Klingons, Bajorans, Ferengi, possible a few Romulans, and a few nameless races that are there just to use up some budget.) Which ones are you talking about, Major?
Kira: (points to a table, with a couple of humans, some man with pointy ears, and five short men, one who has a beard and the others who look more like children.) Them. The two in chain mail, and broad swords, the guy with the pointy ears, and the bright white suit and the bow and arrows, the hairy short guy, and the four hairy footed kids. Them.
Quark: Oh, them. Their just wandering around. Claim they keep getting lost in some place named "Moria", except for the short hairy guy who claims it "Khazad Dun".
Kira: Well, can you tell them to put their weapons away? Their making the Klingons nervous. And we know what happens when drunk Klingons get nervous, don't we?
Quark: Your telling me. (Brushes his jacket) Purple blood is so hard to shift from clothing.
Kira: (grabs Quark by the throat) Don't mess with me. Do something about it now.
Quark: Okay, okay, sheash. (Goes up to the guests) Excuse me, gents. Could I ask you to remove your weapons?
Borrimir: (draws sword and holds it to Quarks neck) No.
Quark: Okay. See ya later.
(Cut to Ops. Sisko is hanging around bored.)
Sisko: Command sure gets boring at times.
Worf: But sir, there is so much you could do.
Sisko: Such as?
Worf: Visit the holosuites, read a novel. Go to the gym.
Sisko: Done them all.
Worf: Get Cassidy Yates in the Brig again and order a strip search.
Sisko: That got boring after the twentieth time.
Worf: Well, order one of the Bajoran women to act out carnal acts of sexual pleasure on you.
Sisko: (shocked) What?
Worf: Captain, I have seen the way they all look at you.
Sisko: Because I'm the emissary. Their looking at me in reverence.
Worf: (Looks like he doesn't follow.)
Sisko: I'm a major religious figure. The Emissary of the Prophets. Their Gods.
Worf: Yes, and there is not one woman on Bajor who would not care to have the child of the Emissary of the Prophets.
Sisko: But I don't want any more kids.
Worf: You may not, but many woman on Bajor are willing to do the horizontal lambda with you.
Sisko: That would Bb a breach of the Prime Directive.
Worf: How? The Bajorans were exploring their local star system before humans were exploring their oceans.
Sisko: That's true, but since they aren't members of the Federation, yet, it would be a violation of the Prime Directive.
Worf: And whose fault was it that they didn't join up? (looking zoned out) "Do not join the Federation, or the Dominion will kill you"
Sisko: It was Locusts, not the Dominion in my vision.
Worf: Well, the Bajorans took it as a sign that it would be the Dominion. So did the fans. And who started this war? Hmm? Hmm?
Sisko: Shut up, Commander.
Worf: Someone just could not take it upon themselves to destroy the wormhole.
Sisko: Well if I had, someone wouldn't be married to one of the most gorgeous women in trek history, would they?
Worf: Touché.
Nog: Sir, the Nile is approaching. There's a transmission coming in from it.
Sisko: (not paying attention and only just realizing Nog was talking to him.) Denial? Who's in denial?
Nog: A Runabout, sir. Heavily damaged.
Sisko: (Looking stumped) But, the Nile?
Nog: It's a long river on Earth sir. All Runabouts are named after long rivers on Earth.
Sisko: I know that. I was wondering when we got that Runabout.
Worf; Remember sir, we loose Runabouts on a weekly basis around here.
Sisko: That's true. Who's piloting it?
Nog: Dr Bashir.
Sisko: (Shivers for a moment) Oh, and Odo and No-name are on it as well, I suppose?
Nog: Aye sir, the transmission says Constable Odo is injured.
Worf: Hmm.
Sisko: Are you "hmm" ing what I'm "hmm" ing?
Worf: I think so, but I didn't realized you liked Klingon fast food.
Sisko: I don't, I was thinking about what the odds are of No-name, surviving a docking procedure in a heavily damaged Runabout.
Worf: Slim at best I'd say.
Nog: Ten to one odds against.
Worf: I'm in.
Sisko: I'm game for him surviving.
Worf: What?
Sisko: I think he'll make it.
Worf: I don't want to take your money unfairly sir.
Sisko: Don't worry you won't.
Worf: Fair enough.
(INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Next week on Voyager. All the lines you've wanted to hear the character say, are said.
(The Bridge)
Janeway: Chakotay, do you have a first name?
Chakotay: Erm, no.
Janeway: Oh come on. You must do.
Chakotay: Oh, alright. Kenneth
Janeway: (hiding here lips behind her hand) Kenneth?
Chakotay: (cringing) Kenneth.
(There's a loud noise. Everyone turns around to see that Tuvok has fallen on the floor and is rolling around in laughter.)
Janeway: Hmm. Guess someone finds names like that amusing.
Chakotay: There's another nail in my personality's coffin.
(Seven of Nines Borg Alcove)
Seven: Sorry, Harry, but you must be this tall to go on this ride.
Kim: Aww, man.
Seven: Besides, I don't want to be told that I'm "glowing".
(Janeway's Ready Room.)
Tuvok: Captain, I have entered Pon Far, and I must request that you allow me to take you.
Janeway: Again? Tuvok, that's the third time this week you've entered Pon Far.
Tuvok: (wiggling eyebrows) I know.
(END COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(Sick bay, or the Infirmary rather. Odo is lying on his back in a solidified state with a Alien Face hugger on his face. Kira and Quark are looking bemused, Dax and Bashir are scanning the creature and looking very excited. Worf is paying up to Sisko and Nog the money he owes them while No-name is having a band aid put on his blistered thumb. O'Brien is standing there, filling up space.)
Worf: All he got was a blister, bah.
Sisko: And I get more money to pay of O'Brien's hefty bar tab.
O'Brien: (belches loudly)
Kira: How is he, doctor?
Bashir: Well, lets see. The stations resident shape shifter has got some unidentified creature giving him a major tongue job, we can't get it off, and you, Major Kira are pretty miffed about having her boy friend getting a bit on the side, right in front of her. Oh, and for some reason his whole body has gone and crystallized. Non of our scans are proving to be of any use as Odo is just registering as a lump of crystal. What data we are getting is telling us that this creature is like nothing we've ever seen before.
Worf: So, Odo is with child?
Dax: Which is something that happens nine times out of ten around here.
Kira: No one here is laughing, Jadzia.
Dax: Drat.
Bashir: Excuse me, commander Worf, but, what makes you say Odo is with child?
Worf: Oh, nothing. I just read today's script that's all.
Bashir: (raises an eyebrow) Makes a change.
Sisko: If you read the script, how come you didn't win the bet on Ensign No-name?
Worf: Simple. That would have been cheating, and therefore, un-honourable.
Quark: Doctor, if Odo survives this, will he be able to play the violin?
Bashir: I don't see why not.
Quark: Good. Because he could never play it before.
Bashir: (shakes his head) I don't believe, I just walked into that one.
Worf: (Smug) Nor do I.
Sisko: Well, if there's nothing we can do for the constable, I don't think we should be hanging around here while we have things to do.
Kira: Like what?
Sisko: Win the war.
Kira: Oh, we Bajorans are good at that sort of thing.
Sisko: Yes, after a few decades that is.
Quark: Why don't we try to cut that thing off?
Bashir: (pointing at No-name) We tried that. It uses acid as blood. It burnt No-names thumb, then it wrecked half the equipment on the Runabout.
Sisko: Well, the chiefs really going to like cleaning up that mess.
Bashir: Tell me about it. (Brushes uniform) Bloods hell to shift.
(Suddenly there's a loud cracking noise, and everyone turns round to see Odo's body cracking and breaking up, as an Alien chest buster comes smashing it's way out of Odo's chest, while the face hugger crawls away and dies.)
Kira: (shocked) By the prophets.
Dax: Man, the times I woken up in a cold sweat, wondering if my symbiont is gonna do that.
Bashir: (Scanning Alien) Looks like your not the only one who can carry other people's kids.
Worf: He gave birth?
O'Brien: How? He's a man. If he gave birth, whose the father?
Worf: And I was joking about reading the script.
(Everyone looks at Kira)
Kira: (to Odo's remains) You slut.
Quark: Waitaminute. He IS a man, isn't he?
Bashir: I guess.
Kira: (pointing at the Alien) That is not mine. That is nothing to do with me. It looks nothing like me. It doesn't even look like Odo. Well, not much like Odo.
O'Brien: Well, you two are the perfect couple aren't you? Your both willing to give birth to other peoples children.
Kira: (punches O'Brien out) SHUT UP!
Quark: Finally he gets some decent morphing effects, that don't look cheap.
Bashir: Bashir to security. Medical emergency.
Worf: What is that thing?
Dax: (scanning the face hugger) What ever it is, the face hugging creature is dead.
Kira: Well, it looks like it has access to Odo's morphing powers.
Quark: Did you figure that out before, or AFTER it morphed into a chair?
Kira: (gives a look that could level mountains) What ARE you doing here, anyhow?
Quark: (shrugs shoulders)
Sisko: So. We could be in trouble here?
Bashir: In a word sir, yes.
Sisko: Your not fooling me. That was five words.
(The Alien "chair" suddenly sprouts out large teeth and smacks it chops open a few times.)
Worf: Huh, two can play THAT game. (Shows his teeth, the Alien retreats across the room, into the remains of Odo's body.)
Dax: Worf, how many times have I told you not to smile at babies? You just scare them.
Sisko: Doctor, quickly grab it. We may be able to use something like that as a weapon against the Founders.
Bashir: You got to be kidding. That thing has acid for blood and big massive teeth and claws, not to mention shape shifting powers. It could kill me.
Sisko: That was my alterea motive, I must admit that.
Bashir: What?
Sisko: Face it man, you're a drip. Genetic alterations or not.
Bashir: Huh. Well, oh wise and wonderful leader. What do you suggest we do?
O'Brien: (getting to his feet) Run like girls?
Kira: Shut up (Punches O'Brien out)
Sisko: Seal the room and place force fields all around the place.
Worf: Brilliant strategy.
Sisko: Thanks. But flattery will not get you your money back.
Worf: Drat.
Kira: Hey, is the floor moving?
Sisko: How could the floor be moving? Have you been drinking?
Kira: Not since yesterday.
Sisko: Oh, well. It was a possibility.
Bashir: Well I know that Odo could do a neat impression of the floor, in fact he could even move across it while doing his impression, without hardly anyone noticing that he was doing it.
(All is silent for a moment, while everyone process that little trinket of information.)
Sisko: Wait, where did the Alien go to?
Worf: Who? Odo, or his child?
Sisko: The Alien of course.
No-name: (surrounded in an Odo like special morphing effect) ARRGH! Help me! It's got me. HELP! ME! SOMEONE!
Dax: Ewe. That has to be an original way to die.
Bashir: Amazing, the alien managed to creep across the floor and surround No-name in a shape shifting ball of acid that is now eating away at him. It must be some form of eating.
Worf: (Smug, looking at Sisko) So much for No-name.
Sisko: (non pulsed) I believe the phrase I'm looking for rhymes with "Br other trucker".
(The alien disentangles itself from the skeletal remains of No-name, and slithers off out the door. It resembles the usual type of Alien we've seen it the movies, but in a sort of yellow liquid way, with several flailing tentacles, and it more sort of slides across the floor, leaving a gooey mess behind.)
Bashir: Well, he's dead.
Kira: Who?
O'Brien: No-name? Well what did you expect?
Bashir: No, not him. Odo, he's broken up into little crystals.
Kira: WHAT? It took us six seasons to get it together, six seasons. Now what do I do?
Worf: Well, there's always Captain Sisko.
Sisko: (Flabbergasted) Worf?
Worf: Like I said earlier, which Bajoran woman in her right mind is not going to want to do it with you?
Kira: One that doesn't want to be sacrificed to the Prophets, that who.
Worf: You what?
Kira: Any Bajoran woman who sleeps with an Emissary of the Prophets, must be sacrificed. It's a very noble tradition, but not one that I'm willing to do sir. No offense.
Sisko: Non taken. I think?
Dax: Yeah, that's all very nice and every thing but, what about Odo?
Kira: What about Odo?
Dax: Well he is dead.
Kira: (looks at the remains) Ahh. There'll be other boyfriends. Maybe I can get back with Shakar? Now lets go get that bastard who killed Odo.
Sisko: Sounds good to me. Worf, issue the men, and women, with phaser rifles, hand phasers, photon launchers and photon grenades.
Worf: (looking excited) Aye sir.
Sisko: Also, place the station in quarantine. No one gets in, no one gets out. Any one who tries to, gets shot at.
Worf: (smiling evilly) Aye sir.
Sisko: And if Quark tries to sell the thing, kill him
Worf (positively salivating) + Kira: (Wild look in her eyes) AYE! AYE! SIR!
Quark: (edging away) HEY!
Bashir: (to O'Brien) It's times like this, I think they would have made a better couple then Dax and Worf.
O'Brien: (shakes head in disbelief at how hung up Bashir STILL is on Dax) Your jealous.
Bashir: I know. By the way, how's the head?
O'Brien: Ringing a bit. Why?
Bashir: Well, it's only going to get worse. (Whacks O'Brien over the head with a Tricorder)
O'Brien: What did I do to annoy the writers? What?
Bashir: Shut up. (Hits him again) Some people will NEVER take a hint.
(In the bar, the cast of Cheers are there. Norm and Morn are looking at each other, trying to drink each other under the table. Woody and Rom are standing there like morons. Sam is wondering who the resident bar stud is supposed to be. Fraizer is looking around a little startled by the fact that he's not in his radio show. Cliff meanwhile has heard about the holosuites, and has just finished using them to act out the fantasy of every postman in the world.)
Norm: So, Cliff, did you manage to gut that Pitbull terrier?
Cliff: (covered in ripped postal service uniform) No. Forgot to engage the safeties.
(Everyone laughs at Cliff expense, except Morn who's taking a drink, and ROM and Woody, who are just morons. Quark comes in)
Quark: (Seeing Sam leaning on his bar) Hey, the brothels INSIDE the holo suites.
Sam: Oh, right. Thanks. (Goes off towards the holosuites)
Woody: Brothel? Cool. Hey, Mr Paterson?
Norm: Yes Woody?
Woody: What's a brothel?
Norm: (hold his beer to his mouth, takes a look at Woody, drinks his beer, takes another look at Woody, puts his beer down) Woody, do you know about the birds and the bees?
Woody: Why sure I do Mr Patterson, everyone knows about the birds and the bees.
ROM: The what and the what?
Quark: Small Earth animals. Swims in water I think.
Norm: (repeats previous technique, this time centring on Quark and ROM) The birds and the bees. (Drinks beer) You know. Women?
Woody: Erm, no.
Norm: Go on in there with Sam, he can show you.
Woody: Gee, do you think he'll mind?
Norm: Not if you sit quietly in a corner.
Woody: Ok. You sure Sam won't mind this Mr Patterson?
Norm: (putting beer down hard on the bar) Would you mind having my fist stuck down your throat?
Woody: (thinks for five minutes) Erm, no.
Norm: Think, did you mean that?
Woody: (Thinks) No.
Norm: Then go.
Woody: OK, I'll go.
(Later)
Woody: Wow, I never knew Miss Rebecca was so easy to turn on.
Sam: (smiling) Easy when you know how.
Woody: And off.
Sam: (worried) Erm.
Woody: "Computer, end program." So easy.
Sam: Yeah, er look, Woody. Just a little idea here85
(The entire Cheers group and assorted aliens, are looking at Sam.)
Sam: What?
Frazier: Oh, nothing.
(No one says anything. They just keep looking at the two men. Sisko and Worf come in, bearing Phaser rifles and "Kick ass and ask questions later, MUCH later" looks on their faces.)
Sisko: We heard the Alien was in here.
(Half a dozen aliens of various races, bearing sharp weapons stand up, and look at Sisko.)
Sisko: I meant the Alien, the shape changing one with acid for blood.
Quark: There's been no sign of any evil Alien in here.
Norm: (takes a swig of his beer) Ugh.
Quark: Hey, what's wrong? You don't like the beer?
Norm: It tastes like Chicken.
ROM: Well, that's Synth ale for you.
Norm: Yeah, right. Synth what? Are you telling me that's non alcoholic beer? Gimme a real bee- ugh. ARRRGH! (starts convulsing)
Worf: Again? Another one?
Sisko: I don't know.
Quark: It must have shape shifted into the beer. IT must be trying to get out of him.
Worf: How'd you know that?
Quark: I bought a copy of the script. Well OK, it was your script I bought.
Worf: No wonder I could not find it. I hadn't even read these scenes yet.
Sisko: (slaps head in disbelief) Worf, if your going to have access to these scripts, read the whole damn thing. (slaps com badge hard) OFFH! (regains breath and composure) Man, I'm not doing that so hard again. Sisko to Security, medical emergency in Quark's.
Edington: Medical emergency? We only deal with security here.
Sisko: What are YOU doing there? Your dead.
Edington: Oops. ER, I mean. I'm a different Edington, yeah, that's right. Anyhow, try sickbay. (Comm signal is cut off)
Sisko: No wait, The Alien is here. Damn. I hate it when that happens.
Worf: Incontinuity, or Comm lines being cut off?
Sisko: Both. Now, how's the man over there?
Worf: Erm, well sir. It appears to be alright.
Norm: Oh man, sorry about that. For a moment I thought I was having a heart attack.
Sisko: A heart attack? What do you mean?
Norm: Well, my wife keeps going on about my weight and that I might have a heart attack on day. And she even got me to know ALL the signs of a heart attack. Bitch.
Sisko: What?!?
Norm: I felt this tingling sensation, and I thought I was going to die.
Worf: But you didn't?
Norm: Heck no. It was my pager vibrating. I had it in my chest pocket. Man was I scarred.
Sisko: (exchanges a knowing look with Worf). Right. Well, sorry to scare everyone.
Worf: I thought you said you had read the script?
Quark: They must have rewritten it.
(As Sisko and Worf leave, the camera zooms into a table in the corner where the Fellowship of the ring is sitting. Aragorn drinks his beer)
Borrimir: So, what is our next move?
Legolas: I say that we back track. Go back the way we came. To the place where we lost Gandalf.
Gimli: (spurts beer all over the place) To the Balrog? Have you gone mad, Elf? Do you know the danger we'd be in?
Legolas: No, but I know one thing.
Gimli: And that is?
Legolas: That I am nowhere near as hairy as you.
Gimli: (pulls out an axe) What did you say?
(Suddenly Aragorn doubles up in pain, then falls to his knees, rolls onto the floor, and looks at his chest as the Alien shape shifter bursts out of his stomach. Go on, admit it. You thought it was hiding in Norms drink, just like Quark did.)
Borrimir: Zounds.
Frodo: Why did you say that?
Borrimir: I dunno. But I liked the sound of it.
Aragorn: (weakly) Not85 again85 (Dies)
Norm: (standing up) Cheque please?
Rom: What's a cheque?
Norm: You know, as in credit?
Quark: CREDIT? (breaks down in laughter, falls on the floor, and rolls into a table where several Klingons are very drunk. Quark looks up as the Klingons decide to have some "fun" with their knifes.) Uh oh. ROM! HELP ME!
(Outside the Bar.)
Sisko: And we thought it was the Alien causing all of that.
(Ward Room. Sisko, Kira, Bashir, Dax, O'Brian, Worf and Nog are all sat around the table.)
Sisko: Right. What are we doing here?
Dax: (shrugs shoulders) Dunno.
Sisko: Well, why don't we get after that creature?
Bashir: Why don't I tell you HOW Odo was attacked?
Sisko: Well, it might kill some time.
Kira: Kill? (breaks down in tears)
Dax: (comforting Kira) There, there, Nerys. Everyone dies at sometime in their life.
Kira: (looks up in terror, then breaks down in tears that are worse then before.)
Dax: Opps.
Worf: Your subtly is so amazingly, subtly.
Dax: (glares at Worf) That's it. No more sex for a week.
Worf: Thank god.
Dax: What?
Worf: It, I mean, I, I need a rest. You've worn it- me out.
(Dax and Worf realise everyone is looking at them, and get very quiet. Bashir's jaw is poking a hole through the table top.)
Sisko: DOCTOR!
Bashir: What?
Sisko: Wake up.
Bashir: (rubbing his jaw where it's sore from jaw lock) Oh, sorry.
O'Brian: Shut up and talk.
(FLASHBACK SEQUENCE:-)
(Everything is in black and white. Odo is carrying the "egg" on a tray he's made out of his arms.)
Odo: Hmm, the producers really seem to be using my morphing abilities to maximum use in this episode.
No-name: So I noticed. (looks at a door) Hmm, Lord Helmet Head? I wonder if there's any thing in there that might count as a trophy? Should we go in?
Odo: I'm not stopping you. I've tried, but you Starfleet types seem to do whatever the hell you want.
No-name: It's in the job description.
Odo: (coldly) So "Dr" Bashir has said.
No-name: (Walks in) Wow, look at these toys. All these dolls. This guy must have been a real loser.
Odo: Why? Because he played with dolls?
No-name: Yeah, what guy in his right mind is going to do that?
Odo: (looks nervous) Hmm. (walks in, and trips over something he didn't see) ARRGH!
(END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE:-)
Bashir: And when he tripped over Rick Moranis 's corpse, the egg suddenly hatched, and the face hugger just attached itself to him.
Sisko: Hmm, an interesting story. If not for that expense CGI scene, the fact that the flashback only used up part of a minute, the flashback would have ended up on the cutting room floor.
Worf: Ok, can we go and kill it now?
Sisko: Why not?
O'Brian: One question.
Bashir: Shoot.
Worf: Really? Can I?
Bashir: It's an expression, Worf.
Worf: Oh. (Dumbly) I knew that.
O'Brian: Can I ask my question?
Sisko: Depends on how the writer is feeling.
O'Brian: Why didn't Odo just shape shift into something else when the face hugger attacked him?
(Everyone is quiet for five minutes. Bashir realises everyone is looking at him, waiting for an explanation.)
Bashir: Er, well, No-name fired his phaser at the creature, and the acid sprayed everywhere, hitting him on the thumb, but the acid must have reacted with Odo's body chemistry, causing him to crystallise.
Dax: Nice recovery.
Bashir: I thank you.
Worf: So, NOW, can we kill it?
(Suddenly Kira's chair morphs around her into a bubble, that changes into the Alien that then speeds off towards the doors, tearing them down on impact, and runs off down the corridor. The remaining cast members look at each other in mute surprise, blinking their eyes in shock.)
Sisko: Ok, now I'm angry.
Worf: Now can we-
All: SHUT UP WORF!
(INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK)
Come to the Sev Trek Discussion board, where every Trekkier/Trekker, is an especially weird member of a Trek sub culture. Or should that be sub-sub culture? Oh who cares. Here's what to expect.
* 50 odd posts that have no text in them from the same two people with a few others telling them to shut up.
* 10 flames.
* 10 flames for each of the flames.
* Flame war.
* Someone arguing over which is better, Trek, Wars, X-Files or B5.
* A flame war about the answers to the above.
* 1 question that has nothing to do with Trek. (ie school girls asking for help with homework)
* Flame war.
* 2047 posts that just make the school girl more confused.
* 3 early drafts of developing fan fic posted as a way of getting feedback.
* Flame war.
* A post on the subject of the frequent use of the number 47 in Trek.
* Several posts by long term visitors that basically say that their sick of hearing the jokes about 47.
* An obscene remark made by someone in passing which is instantly deleted by the maintainer.
* Several threads asking what happened to the thread from the two people who were filling the board up with no text messages.
* Oh, and a flame war.
The Sev Trek Discussion board. Sanity is irrelevant, you will be asevialted.
(END COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(Sisko is standing in Runabout Pad C. The Nile is behind him, covered in alien goo. The entire pad has been coated in the same stuff.)
Sisko: Why am I here by myself?
O'Brian: (voice/com) Because the rest of us are too scared to go.
Sisko: What's with you man? Your never like this in the show.
O'Brian: I'm not sure, sir. I guess it must be an effect of the parody.
Sisko: Well, thank god this is not part of our continuity. I couldn't stand you if you were really like this.
O'Brian: I kno- HEY!
Sisko: He, he, he. Wondered how long it would take you to catch on.
Worf: (voice/com) You really do enjoy taking my latinum, don't you?
Sisko: Well, I do have to pay of O'Brian's beer tab you know.
Worf: So you keep saying.
O'Brian: But I drink Guinness.
Sisko: So?
O'Brian: It's a stout.
Sisko: Ahh. (looks at the Runabout) I think someone's in the Nile.
O'Brian: No, honest, it is a stout.
Sisko: I meant the Runa- ARRRGH!
(Suddenly all of the Alien goo, starts to morph into tentacles that whip out and try to grab Sisko.)
Sisko: Damn. Site to site transport. Get me out of here.
O'Brian: Can't.
Sisko: Why not?
O'Brian: Plot point.
Sisko: (annoyed) Come up with something better.
O'Brian: Erm, bloody Cardassian equipment. Always breaking down.
Sisko: Better. (A tentacle whips out, and grabs him around the waist, pulling him into the Runabout.) Oh man. It's got me. Quick, send some expendable extras down here to help me out.
Worf: (voice/com) Aye sir.
Sisko: Belay that, activate the defence grid instead. I have an idea.
Dax: Sure thing Ben. By the way. Am I written into your will?
Sisko: No.
Dax: Drat.
Sisko: I still have time, here's my plan.
(Inside the Runabout. Kira is surrounded by what looks like Odo like tentacles, they move around her body constantly. One tentacle is being used to gag her mouth. The rest of the Runabout is covered in the usual Alien goo, and a few eggs are busy incubating. Sisko, is pulled into the Runabout, Kira looks up at him, with an expression of "Oh, great, so much for my rescue")
Sisko: Be with you in a minute, Major. So, remember, on my mark. Sisko out.
Kira: MMMH! MHMH! MHHM!
Sisko: Sorry, can't make you out.
Kira: MMH! (Looks fed up)
Sisko: (looking at the eggs.) Are there any more Aliens lose?
Kira: MMHMHPHF (shakes head)
Sisko: Good.
(Suddenly, Sisko is whisked off to another section of the Runabout. Okay, the crew quarters. It's dark, hard to see what's going on, but several eggs can be seen.)
Sisko: Odo gave birth to a girl?
(Suddenly a loud noise startles Sisko.)
Sisko: Oh man, these trousers were clean on this morning.
(The Alien/Changeling hybrid suddenly comes into view, it's three times bigger then it was before, with sharp teeth, spikes all over it's back, more arms and legs, and extra tentacles then before. It's mutated into a new type of Queen.)
Sikso: Hmm, something's happened. Something bad. Something ugly as well.. Oh well, lets hope this works. Computer?
Computer: (cheap whistling noise)
Sisko: Hmm, funny noise. Activate self distruct. Authorisation, Sisko, Skinhead, Goatee, Hawk, Spencer, one.
Computer: Self distruct activated. Set time perimeter.
Sisko: One minute. Activate on my mark. Mark.
(At this point, the Alien freaks.)
Sisko: Crying won't do you any good. (Whips out a hand phaser and blasts the creature in it's face. The Alien screams in pain, the tentacles drop Sisko, who runs out and seal the door to the cabin.) Hello, Major. Soon have you free. (blasts the tentacles stem near the bottom of Kira, completely missing her body, but forcing the tentacles to fall off her since they have no support.)
Kira: About time.
Sisko: Hmm, think I preferred you tied up.
Kira: Hey.
Sisko: Hold on, what's that banging?
(The cabin door gives in to the new Queen)
Sisko: Damn. (fires phaser at the Queen, knocking her down into the cabin again.) Major hold it off. (passes Kira a phaser) I've got to send this Runabout out of the station. (attempts to use a console)
Kira: (maniacal laughter) Payback time. (fries phaser at the Queen who's back on her feet) That was for No-name, that was for me, and THIS is for Odo you murdering BITCH!
Sisko: Major, please, try to keep the swearing down.
Kira: Sorry. TAKE THIS YOU COW!
Sisko: (sighs) Ok we can go now, the sequence has been started. Major?
Kira: Uh, it grabbed me sir.
Sisko: GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!
Kira: Hey, swearing?
Sisko: Not now, I'm pissed off. (runs up to the Queen, and punches it across the jaw. The Queen staggers back, looks shocked for a moment, then collapses on the floor, letting Kira go.)
Kira: (shocked) Wow. Glass jaw syndrome?
Sisko: Surprised no one thought of it before. Comon, lets get out of here.
(They jump out of the Runabout airlock and into the landing pad, closing the door behind them, then running to a nearby airlock, as the Nile powers up it's engines and lifts off through the now open landing pad doors.)
Sisko: Sisko to Ops, MARK!
Worf: (voice/com) (enthusiastic) AYE, AYE SIR!
(Cut to the exterior of DS9, the Runabout is seen leaving the station, only to be obliterated by every weapon Worf could train on it. Cut to Ops.)
Worf: (thrusts arms up in the air) I AM INVINCIBLE!
Dax: (uninterested.) Yeah, whatever.
(Sisko and Kira walk in.)
Sisko: Report.
Worf: The Nile was destroyed sir. It was a glorious battle. Many will be the tales of my victory.
Sisko: (coldly) Yeah, right.
Dax: Scans reveal that there's no trace of the Alien captain.
Worf: There was an Alien captain? Where?
Dax: That's not what I meant. I was talking to Ben.
Worf: Well, phrase your sentences better.
Sisko: Thank god for that. Ah well, it was a pity about the Constable, but.
Kira: Oh, there will be other boys out there.
Dax: (smirking) Don't be so sure.
(The lift comes up one more time, with Bashir and Odo in it.)
Kira: Odo? But how? Why? What happened?
Odo: I pulled myself together.
Kira: Kiss me, so I know it's not a dream.
Odo: OK.
(Kira and Odo kiss passionately.)
Dax: Oh, to be young and in love.
Worf: We are young.
Dax: (wild look in her eyes) Are we in love?
Worf: Only in the bed room, Jadzia. Otherwise, we make like we've been married for thirty five years.
Dax: (If looks could kill, DS0 would now be so much debris in space)
Bashir: (standing next to Sisko) What's that smell?
Sisko: (squirming) Ah, well, all's well that ends well I guess. Odo, how did it feel to be a parent?
Odo: Sorry, what?
Sisko: The Alien, that burst out of you?
Odo: What Alien?
Dax: On your away mission on the Nile with Julian and No-name.
Odo: What away mission, who's is in denial? Who's No-name?
Bashir: Perhaps I'd better explain. It appears the last 24 hours are a complete blank for Odo. It must be some kind of defensive program used by the Alien to make sure no one tries to remove it before it can be born.
Sisko: Amazing, well, time for this episode to be wrapped up I guess.
O'Brain: I'd love to know what I did to annoy the writer.
Sisko: Nothing. Your just being used as comic relief.
O'Brian: (sarcastic) Oh, well that makes me feel much better. (a huge custard pie suddenly materialises in front of O'Brain.) What the fuc- (SPALT! The pie covers O'Brians uniform)
Kira: (rubs her belly) Well, Odo, I guess we could go somewhere, and, celebrate, (licks lips) your resurrection. (smiles at Odo).
Odo: (smiling) I'm not sure I caught that last word. Did you say erect-
(Suddenly, Kira starts convulsing, falls back on the ops table, and an Alien burst out of her belly.)
Odo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! She's been carrying someone else's children. Again.
O'Brain: Hey, nothing to do with me. Anyone for custard pie?
Bashir: Kill it, quick. (Scans Kira)
Worf: Ok. (whips out that Bazooka he had in Insurrection and blows up the Alien, the table and Kira)
Odo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Nerys.
Bashir: Not THAT quick, Tex.
Worf: (huge grin on his face disappears) Oops. Sorry.
Sisko: Is there anything we can do for her, Dr?
Bashir: Well, 24th century medicine is pretty advanced, sure I can patch her up. Jadzia, could you hail the Borg for me?
(Suddenly Kira walks in)
Kira: (Not paying attention to what's been going on) I just had a report that the Intendent has crossed over into this, oh, you found her. (surprised) Odo? I thought you were dead?
Odo: Nerys? I thought you were dead.
Kira: Kiss me.
Odo: Okay.
(Kira and Odo kiss, even more passionately then before.)
Dax: Ahh, to be young and in love.
Worf: Oh, god. Not again.
O'Brian: I've just been hit by another custard pie.
Sisko: Quiet. Your ruining their moment.
Bashir: Somebody, say something profound.
Worf: Um, er, flibble.
Jake: (walks in) Dad, guess what I decided to base my new novel on?
Sisko: Surprise me.
Jake: Well, it's based on a Shape shifting head of security, who falls in love with the second in command of the space station that he works on.
Sisko: Is there anything your holding out on me?
Jake: Well, it's gonna have huge Aliens with two mouths, one inside the other, who like to go around putting their eggs into people.
Sisko: (giving the rest of the crew a knowing look) And?
Jake: Erm, it's gonna be a Porno.
Sisko: O'Brian. Was this your idea?
O'Brian: No, I never even managed to teach him to hot wire an Anti Grav unit.
(Nog goes whizzing by on an Anti Grav unit)
O'Brain: But Nog already knew how to do it.
Sisko: Who had the first line in this parody, anyhow?
(All eyes, except Odo and Kira, who haven't came up for air yet, fall on Bashir.)
Bashir: (sighs) Chief medical officers log. Stardate 2 to the power of 10 cubed. We had an interesting day today...
The End. |
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