Copyright 1992, 1993 by Sandra Guzdek
Act One: Outer space, we see the Enterprise zooming about carelessly.
Picard: Captain's log... oh, sometime in June, 24th century, blah, blah, blah. Right now we're joy ridin' this babee. Hell of a time, actually!
[Captain ends transmission. Scene changes to interior of Captain's ready room, where Picard is admiring a row of toupees perched upon mannequin heads. He seems ready to choose one for the day when the ship begins to rattle. Picard runs stumbling towards the door; as he does a bacherloresque boudoir on the far side of the ready room flashes by. He hits a button, which brings down a false wall to conceal it, and leaves. Picard bursts onto the main bridge.]
Picard: What's going on here? Someone let Wesley drive again?
[Cut to Wesley, played by Ferris Bueller, who is fast asleep on the console. Everyone on the bridge is nonchalant and nonattentive.]
Picard: Why won't someone give me an answer?
Data [with a shrug]: I don't know.
Troi [Yawning. She is dressed like a typical Dead fan, down to a threaded gold band around her head and a jingling ankle bracelet.]: And I don't care.
[Wesley jerks awake. A pool of drool is on the console where his head was.]
Worf [face twisted in agonizing thought]: What is the answer anyhow? What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of this action in the scheme of it all? Why are we here? Why...
[He continues rambling.]
Ensign [played by the effeminate but bizarre air traffic controller in the movie Airplane, singing]: Why do birds suddenly appear... every time you are near... ?
Riker [in a whisper]: Worf, you know how it turns me on to hear you talk like that...
[Worf continues agonizing.]
Picard: Mr. La Forge, are we being attacked, or what?
Geordi [voice only]: What? What???
Picard [with a sigh]: Never mind, I always forget you can't hear a damn thing I say...
Geordi: WHAT? WHAT???
Picard [yelling at top voice]: Picard OUT!!!
[A spark of genius lights on Troi's face.]
Troi: Heeeyyyyyyyy! How about the viewscreen?
Picard: Good thinking, dollface. Viewscreen up!
[Two ensigns come in with a projector screen and proceed to assemble it. When they are through, a large fish-shaped vessel can be seen in the starfield before them. Wesley licks his palms.]
Wesley [offering his palms as evidence]: Captain, I think I need to go to sick bay.
Picard [impatiently]: Get the hell outta here.
[Crew cheers as he leaves.]
[Turning back to the screen, Picard seems annoyed.]
Picard: Destroy that... ship. Now.
Worf: But, Sir, shouldn't we see if they're...
Picard [pissed, lets out an impatient breath]: You and your... diplomacy. Oh, all right. Sound red alert, however.
All: klax-- on! [...and clap twice]
Riker [covering ears]: Oooo, I haaate that noise...
Troi [to Riker, roughly]: Oh, deal with it.
[A beep is heard from Worf's console.]
Worf [excitedly]: They're hailing us! They're hailing us!
Picard: Stand down from red alert.
All: Klax-- off! [crew claps twice]
Picard: On screen, Mr. Worf.
[On the screen appears a regal figure surrounded by several peons.]
Picard [standing akimbo]: I'm Jean-Luc Picard, captain of this vessel. Who the hell are you?
King: I am Ar-The, king of the b'Tins.
Picard [puzzled]: King of the who?
King: King of the b'Tins.
Picard: Who are the b'Tins?
Peon1 [standing next to King]: We are all b'Tins, and he is our king. [He makes a sweeping gesture.]
Peon2 [aside]: Well, I didn't vote for him.
Peon3 [aside to 2]: You don't vote for king...
Picard: Enough! Tell us what you want. You're in Federation territory and we can blow you into tiny bits if we like.
Riker [aside]: Well, Sir, we can't blow them up...
Picard [hotly]: Then we'll severely maim them.
Picard [explodes]: We'll shoot at the space around them then, Number Two! Are you happy?
[Riker cringes visibly]
[King clears his throat.]
Picard [to King]: Sorry.
[Worf embarrasedly covers his face with his hand and shakes his head. At this moment Beverly appears from the turbolift, dressed in a low cut/hi-rising outfit, wink-wink-nudge-nudge. She walks over to Picard.]
Beverly [seductively]: Jean-Luc, you... wanted me?
Picard [out of the side of his mouth]: Not now, Twizzle-toes.
Beverly: I'll wait for you in your... ready room. [She smiles broadly at the last word.]
King: Wait! It is she!!!
[Beverly is confused.]
King: It is the Great One... Loretta! Come with us, O Loretta, and all of this will be yours! [Makes a sweeping gesture]
Beverly: What, the curtains?
[King appears angry. He then chatters something in a foreign tongue, cursing the word "Ni" to the Enterprise bridge crew repeatedly. Suddenly, Beverly disappears with a horrified look on her face.]
Beverly [as she dematerializes]: Jean-Luuuuuuuuuuuuuu............
[The alien ship also disappears, without a trace.]
Picard [in shock]: Love Puppy!
[Picard sits in his chair, his clothing dishevelled.]
Picard: Mr. Data, any signs that the alien ship is still out there?
Data [leaning back in his chair]: Tell me, Sir, do you see a ship out there?
Picard: Uh, no...
Data [triumphantly]: Well, then!
Picard [turning red with temper and embarrassment, turns to crew]: FIND THAT FISH!!!!!!
I N t E r M I s S I O n -- welcome to the middle of the story!
Act Two: View of exterior of ship, sitting idle in space.
Picard [voice only, full of remorse]: Captain's log, supplemental. Sweetlips, er, I mean Beverly, has just been swept up by a strange race of aliens called the b'Tins. They apparently think, as do I, that she is a Goddess of some sort...
[Cut to bridge, where Picard is seen exiting from the ready room.]
Picard: Mr. La Forge, anything?
Geordi [voice only]: Captain, I'm picking up strange readings around the Nutra System.
Picard [hopeful]: Do you think it's the enemy ship?
Picard [angrily]: The fish! Do you think it's the fish!?!
Geordi: Possibly. But I think it's the enemy ship we're sensing.
Picard: Picard out. [He storms over towards Troi, mumbling] When the hell is going to get his H.E.A.D.P.H.O.N.E. fixed???? [turns to Troi] Counselor, when they were on screen, did you get any feelings of malice towards Beverly?
Troi: And why should they have to be on screen for me-- oh, malice from them... Well, what do I look like, a mind-reader? [She dons a pair of round framed sunglasses and kicks back with Jack Kerouac's On the Road.]
[Picard turns to a not-before-seen ensign at a console, overlooking Worf's shoulder.]
Picard: Who are you?
Anson: I'm Ensign Anson, Sir.
Picard: What are you doing on the bridge?
Anson: I'm the requisite expendable ensign that will get phasered later on in the show, Sir.
Picard: Oh. Fine job, keep it up. [He pats Anson on the back, then goes to sit in his chair, and starts playing with the Craftmatic-like controls.] Ensign, set a course for the Nutra System, warp 3.
Riker: Uh, 5, Sir.
Picard: Warp 5. Engage. [Pauses as they leap forward in space.] Well-- the most we can do is wait.
[Cut to exterior view again, then back to the bridge. Hours have passed.]
Data [tiredly]: What now, Sir?
Picard [looking anxious and restless]: Let's... step up to red alert, then back down again. Evacuate all upper decks, and then as soon as they're out, tell 'em to report to stations. That'll amuse us and keep them on their toes.
Riker [with a goofy grin]: All right!
[The crew is poised and ready to clap-on when a beep is heard from Worf's console.]
Worf: Sir, we're being hailed again.
[Pan to his right where a group of officers are on their knees, kowtowing to the crew.]
Picard [under his breath]: Damnable timing. [louder] Ah, I suppose we should open a channel.
[Everyone on the deck pulls out a can of beer and cracks it open.]
Picard: I said a channel, not a Budweiser.
Troi: But they do sound so similar, Sir. Sorry.
[Screen flashes on to reveal the interior of the female locker room on board the Enterprise. Flustered, Picard presses a button and the regal figure of the alien king replaces it.]
King: Silly Picard-Captain. You think you can just take back our Queen. My Queen. You are waaay wrong!
[Beverly comes proudly out, adorned in rich fabrics and gold and jewels. Her outfit is also very sexy.]
Picard [to himself]: Yowsa.
Beverly: Hello, Jean-Luc.
Picard [slapping his communicator]: Chief O'Brien, lock on...
Beverly [wearily]: Oh, don't bother. I'm sick of sitting around, day in, day out, waiting for you. My King here will give me whatever I want, andcompared to you, he's got one of the biggest--
Picard [quickly]: Beverly!!!
Beverly [continuing]: --shiniest chrome-domes than any I've seen in the galaxy.
[King removes regal head gear -- head glows, radiates like a supernova. All of the crew's eyes are wide with disbelief.]
Data: My gosh, I did not think that possible...
Beverly: Goodbye, Picard. Better luck with Deanna.
Troi [not looking away from her book, under her breath]: Fat chance, Cue-ball.
[Picard's face distorts in the realization of something very important.]
Picard: O'Brien... now!
[At once, Beverly appears beside Picard.]
Picard: Shields up!
[Crew all throw bars of deodorant soap into the air.]
King: What is the meaning of this?
Data: If you do not know what "this" means, you really ought not to be the king...
Worf [standing, arms in the air]: What is the meaning of any of this? Why must one being be at odds with another? Why must we fight? Are we not all mortal, do we not all bleed-- ?
All: SHUT UP!
[Beverly rubs her head, and looks disoriented.]
Beverly: What's happened?
Picard: Buttertongue, you're back on the Enterprise. [lowers volume] Go wait for me in the ready room... I'll... give you a... complete physical... make sure they haven't hurt you anywhere...
[The side of his mouth is curled up in a grin. Beverly smiles, and scoots away joyfully.]
Data [aside to Riker]: Cappy's getting it...
King: So, how did you know?
Data: Well... it is pretty obvious...
King: No, I meant, how did you know Beverly was...
Picard [proudly]: Under a strange influence? Simple. When she's dressed as she is, she's not physically able to call me anything else than "Jean-Luc"... but she called me "Picard". It was then I knew something was wrong.
King: Rats! If it hadn't been for you meddling--
Picard: Get the hell outta my space. [Channel closes.] Ensign Anson, put us on a course for the Sega-Genesis System. [He tugs down his shirt and heads for ready room.]
[Anson does so.]
Anson: But Sir, what about... ?
Picard: Oh, right. [Pulls out a phaser and zaps him.]
Anson [in a dying croak]: Carry on, Sir.
Picard: Anson, you shall not have died in vain.
Anson [in a croak]: But... I'm not dead yet...
Picard: Then you shall not have been... mortally wounded in vain. Riker, you have the bridge.
Anson: I think I might pull through, Sir...
Riker [whining, pouting]: But I don't want the bridge!
Data [wearily, with a sigh]: I'll drive.
Picard [with an anticipatory grin on his face]: ENGAGE.
My apologies to Monty Python fans and hearing-impaired people everywhere.
Copyright 1992, 1993 by Sandra Guzdek Standard disclaimers about Paramount, and threats of death for plagiarism, apply.