Capt. Picard Files a Lawsuit or... Star Trek Meets Windows 95

(Enterprise bridge)

Picard (In ready room with senior staff): And so, Starfleet believes that this new computer system will increase efficiency and crew morale.

Riker: But sir, I did some research, and this "Windows 95" operating system was widely rejected on Earth in the early twenty-first century.  How can Starfleet believe that this ancient system will help us?

Picard: Personally, I have no idea.

La Forge: So, how are we going to install this software?

Picard: Actually, it's been installed already, and I will activate it right now (pushes buttons on wall panel).

Troi: Will there be a period of time to get familiar with this thing?

Picard: Yes, two weeks.  Apparently, that's how long it will take to actually run correctly.  Dismissed.

(two weeks later.  Enterprise bridge)

Picard: Helm, heading 722 mark 170.  Warp 7

Helm (haltingly, pushing control board): Aye..sir.

Picard: Engage. (nothing happens)  Engage!  (nothing)  I gave you an order, ensign!

Helm: Sir, you have to wait for it to load up...just a minute...ok...Desktop..."Warp" icon.  Setting 7.  "Invalid setting?"  Oh, sorry...!  I accidently put 70!  Ha, ha?

(annoyed looks from everyone)

Helm: OK!  Click "Do you want to go to warp speed?" Ok.  Loading, please wait.  100%  There you go!

Riker: That took a full minute, ensign.  If we're in an emergency and it takes you a MINUTE to respond....

Helm: With all due respect sir, it was this damn computer that took so long!

Picard: Picard to Engineering, can you speed up this computer system?

La Forge (over communicator): Sir, to tell you the truth, we have no idea what kind of files even run the Windows system!  We'll try to defrag the system....

Helm: Sir, we've dropped out of warp.

Picard: Why?

Helm: The warp engines program "has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down."


Picard: I will make a full report to Starfleet on these problems.  I'll be in my ready room.  (Picard walks toward door...and walks into it.)  Why won't the door open?

Operations: Sir, the system froze.  Ctrl, Alt, Delete!  Restart!

Riker: NO!

(lights go off, life support shuts down, all is silent)

Ops: Oops.

Riker: This is great, just great.  I hate Windows.

Ops: Wait, it's coming back on.  Performing a RAM test.  Testing for drives.  Ooooh, the Windows logo is on!

All (sarcastically): Oh, goodie.

Ops: And we're back on! (lights go on, etc.)

Helm: Sir, I've gotten warp engines back online!  So far, so good!

Picard: Very good, ensign.

Helm: Damn!  It performed another illegal operation!

Riker:  Can I shoot the computer?

Ops: Sir, there's a ship out there...the U.S.S. Microsoft and Admiral Bill Gates is aboard.

Worf: We are being hailed.

Picard: On screen.

(Bill Gates comes on, wearing duct tape glasses, bow tie, etc.)

Gates (dork voice): Umm...excuse me, Captain Picard...we are conducting a survey.  I developed Windows 95.  How much do you like or dislike the Windows 95 operating system?

Picard: Well...we hate....(screen blanks out) WHAT HAPPENED?  ANOTHER

Worf: No...because Engineering is trying to defrag the system, all windows must be closed.

Riker (falling in chair):  Do we really need this?

Picard: Starfleet Command thinks so.

Riker: They aren't using this.

Ops: Sir, a Romulan warbird has decloaked and it is firing on the Microsoft.  (cheers)  It has been destroyed!  (more cheers)  Bill Gates is dead! (joyful weeping)

Ops: They're firing on us! (ship shakes)

Picard: Worf, fire!  Helm, evasive manuvers!

Worf: Yes, sir.  What is this?  "file not found?"  We installed the phaser software.  It's there!  Don't give me that "file not found" crap!  Shields cannot raise due to "insufficient free memory?"

Helm:  "Program has performed an illegal operation...ignore or close."
Ignore...ignore, ignore! Ignore! IGNORE!  IT WON'T IGNORE! ALL RIGHT! CLOSE THE DAMN THING!  SEE IF I CARE!  (Ship stops)

Picard: Fire photon torpedoes!

Worf: It froze...sir, it found an error and is recommending that we run "Scandisk." Sir?

Picard: Computer, what is "Scandisk?"

Computer: File not found.   Windows is searching for this file.  To look for it yourself, click "Browse."

Troi: Captain, I'm sensing a great deal of frustration and hatred toward this system.

Data (coming from turbolift): Sir, I will attempt to hook up to the ships computer.  Processing....File not found, file not found, file not found....

Riker: Make it stop!

(Romulan ship is still firing)

Picard: Quickly, beam over a copy of Windows!

O'Brien: Aye, sir. (he beams copy aboard)

Worf: Captain, they have stopped firing.

(Romulan ship explodes)

Riker: It would appear they committed suicide.

Ops: Sir, Starfleet has located a copy of Windows 98 to upgrade.

Picard: Install it, PLEASE!

Ops: Installed, sir.  Turning on the computer.  Whoa, what's a "fatal system error?"

Riker: How should I know?

Troi: I believe crew members are beginning to shoot themselves, captain.

(all lights go off, everything hooked up to computer dies)

Data: It would appear the system crashed.

Picard: How did people survive the twentieth century with that piece of crap?