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(Enterprise bridge) Picard (In ready room with senior staff): And so, Starfleet believes that this new computer system will increase efficiency and crew morale. Riker: But sir, I did some research, and this "Windows 95" operating system was widely rejected on Earth in the early twenty-first century. How can Starfleet believe that this ancient system will help us? Picard: Personally, I have no idea. La Forge: So, how are we going to install this software? Picard: Actually, it's been installed already, and I will activate it right now (pushes buttons on wall panel). Troi: Will there be a period of time to get familiar with this thing? Picard: Yes, two weeks. Apparently, that's how long it will take to actually run correctly. Dismissed. (two weeks later. Enterprise bridge) Picard: Helm, heading 722 mark 170. Warp 7 Helm (haltingly, pushing control board): Aye..sir. Picard: Engage. (nothing happens) Engage! (nothing) I gave you an order, ensign! Helm: Sir, you have to wait for it to load up...just a minute...ok...Desktop..."Warp" icon. Setting 7. "Invalid setting?" Oh, sorry...! I accidently put 70! Ha, ha? (annoyed looks from everyone) Helm: OK! Click "Do you want to go to warp speed?" Ok. Loading, please wait. 100% There you go! Riker: That took a full minute, ensign. If we're in an emergency and it takes you a MINUTE to respond.... Helm: With all due respect sir, it was this damn computer that took so long! Picard: Picard to Engineering, can you speed up this computer system? La Forge (over communicator): Sir, to tell you the truth, we have no idea what kind of files even run the Windows system! We'll try to defrag the system.... Helm: Sir, we've dropped out of warp. Picard: Why? Helm: The warp engines program "has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down." Riker: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?! Picard: I will make a full report to Starfleet on these problems. I'll be in my ready room. (Picard walks toward door...and walks into it.) Why won't the door open? Operations: Sir, the system froze. Ctrl, Alt, Delete! Restart! Riker: NO! (lights go off, life support shuts down, all is silent) Ops: Oops. Riker: This is great, just great. I hate Windows. Ops: Wait, it's coming back on. Performing a RAM test. Testing for drives. Ooooh, the Windows logo is on! All (sarcastically): Oh, goodie. Ops: And we're back on! (lights go on, etc.) Helm: Sir, I've gotten warp engines back online! So far, so good! Picard: Very good, ensign. Helm: Damn! It performed another illegal operation! Riker: Can I shoot the computer? Ops: Sir, there's a ship out there...the U.S.S. Microsoft and Admiral Bill Gates is aboard. Worf: We are being hailed. Picard: On screen. (Bill Gates comes on, wearing duct tape glasses, bow tie, etc.) Gates (dork voice): Umm...excuse me, Captain Picard...we are conducting a survey. I developed Windows 95. How much do you like or dislike the Windows 95 operating system? Picard: Well...we hate....(screen blanks out) WHAT HAPPENED? ANOTHER ILLEGAL OPERATION?! Worf: No...because Engineering is trying to defrag the system, all windows must be closed. Riker (falling in chair): Do we really need this? Picard: Starfleet Command thinks so. Riker: They aren't using this. Ops: Sir, a Romulan warbird has decloaked and it is firing on the Microsoft. (cheers) It has been destroyed! (more cheers) Bill Gates is dead! (joyful weeping) Ops: They're firing on us! (ship shakes) Picard: Worf, fire! Helm, evasive manuvers! Worf: Yes, sir. What is this? "file not found?" We installed the phaser software. It's there! Don't give me that "file not found" crap! Shields cannot raise due to "insufficient free memory?" Helm: "Program has performed an illegal operation...ignore or close." Ignore...ignore, ignore! Ignore! IGNORE! IT WON'T IGNORE! ALL RIGHT! CLOSE THE DAMN THING! SEE IF I CARE! (Ship stops) Picard: Fire photon torpedoes! Worf: It froze...sir, it found an error and is recommending that we run "Scandisk." Sir? Picard: Computer, what is "Scandisk?" Computer: File not found. Windows is searching for this file. To look for it yourself, click "Browse." Troi: Captain, I'm sensing a great deal of frustration and hatred toward this system. Data (coming from turbolift): Sir, I will attempt to hook up to the ships computer. Processing....File not found, file not found, file not found.... Riker: Make it stop! (Romulan ship is still firing) Picard: Quickly, beam over a copy of Windows! O'Brien: Aye, sir. (he beams copy aboard) Worf: Captain, they have stopped firing. (Romulan ship explodes) Riker: It would appear they committed suicide. Ops: Sir, Starfleet has located a copy of Windows 98 to upgrade. Picard: Install it, PLEASE! Ops: Installed, sir. Turning on the computer. Whoa, what's a "fatal system error?" Riker: How should I know? Troi: I believe crew members are beginning to shoot themselves, captain. (all lights go off, everything hooked up to computer dies) Data: It would appear the system crashed. Picard: How did people survive the twentieth century with that piece of crap? |
