Picard (In ready room with senior staff): And so, Starfleet believes that this new computer system will increase efficiency and crew morale.
Riker: But sir, I did some research, and this "Windows 95" operating system was widely rejected on Earth in the early twenty-first century. How can Starfleet believe that this ancient system will help us?
Picard: Personally, I have no idea.
La Forge: So, how are we going to install this software?
Picard: Actually, it's been installed already, and I will activate it right now (pushes buttons on wall panel).
Troi: Will there be a period of time to get familiar with this thing?
Picard: Yes, two weeks. Apparently, that's how long it will take to actually run correctly. Dismissed.
(two weeks later. Enterprise bridge)
Picard: Helm, heading 722 mark 170. Warp 7
Helm (haltingly, pushing control board): Aye..sir.
Picard: Engage. (nothing happens) Engage! (nothing) I gave you an order, ensign!
Helm: Sir, you have to wait for it to load up...just a minute...ok...Desktop..."Warp" icon. Setting 7. "Invalid setting?" Oh, sorry...! I accidently put 70! Ha, ha?
(annoyed looks from everyone)
Helm: OK! Click "Do you want to go to warp speed?" Ok. Loading, please wait. 100% There you go!
Riker: That took a full minute, ensign. If we're in an emergency and it takes you a MINUTE to respond....
Helm: With all due respect sir, it was this damn computer that took so long!
Picard: Picard to Engineering, can you speed up this computer system?
La Forge (over communicator): Sir, to tell you the truth, we have no idea what kind of files even run the Windows system! We'll try to defrag the system....
Helm: Sir, we've dropped out of warp.
Helm: The warp engines program "has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down."
Riker: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!
Picard: I will make a full report to Starfleet on these problems. I'll be in my ready room. (Picard walks toward door...and walks into it.) Why won't the door open?
Operations: Sir, the system froze. Ctrl, Alt, Delete! Restart!
(lights go off, life support shuts down, all is silent)
Riker: This is great, just great. I hate Windows.
Ops: Wait, it's coming back on. Performing a RAM test. Testing for drives. Ooooh, the Windows logo is on!
All (sarcastically): Oh, goodie.
Ops: And we're back on! (lights go on, etc.)
Helm: Sir, I've gotten warp engines back online! So far, so good!
Picard: Very good, ensign.
Helm: Damn! It performed another illegal operation!
Riker: Can I shoot the computer?
Ops: Sir, there's a ship out there...the U.S.S. Microsoft and Admiral Bill Gates is aboard.
Worf: We are being hailed.
Picard: On screen.
(Bill Gates comes on, wearing duct tape glasses, bow tie, etc.)
Gates (dork voice): Umm...excuse me, Captain Picard...we are conducting a survey. I developed Windows 95. How much do you like or dislike the Windows 95 operating system?
Picard: Well...we hate....(screen blanks out) WHAT HAPPENED? ANOTHER
Worf: No...because Engineering is trying to defrag the system, all windows must be closed.
Riker (falling in chair): Do we really need this?
Picard: Starfleet Command thinks so.
Riker: They aren't using this.
Ops: Sir, a Romulan warbird has decloaked and it is firing on the Microsoft. (cheers) It has been destroyed! (more cheers) Bill Gates is dead! (joyful weeping)
Ops: They're firing on us! (ship shakes)
Picard: Worf, fire! Helm, evasive manuvers!
Worf: Yes, sir. What is this? "file not found?" We installed the phaser software. It's there! Don't give me that "file not found" crap! Shields cannot raise due to "insufficient free memory?"
Helm: "Program has performed an illegal operation...ignore or close."
Ignore...ignore, ignore! Ignore! IGNORE! IT WON'T IGNORE! ALL RIGHT! CLOSE THE DAMN THING! SEE IF I CARE! (Ship stops)
Picard: Fire photon torpedoes!
Worf: It froze...sir, it found an error and is recommending that we run "Scandisk." Sir?
Picard: Computer, what is "Scandisk?"
Computer: File not found. Windows is searching for this file. To look for it yourself, click "Browse."
Troi: Captain, I'm sensing a great deal of frustration and hatred toward this system.
Data (coming from turbolift): Sir, I will attempt to hook up to the ships computer. Processing....File not found, file not found, file not found....
Riker: Make it stop!
(Romulan ship is still firing)
Picard: Quickly, beam over a copy of Windows!
O'Brien: Aye, sir. (he beams copy aboard)
Worf: Captain, they have stopped firing.
(Romulan ship explodes)
Riker: It would appear they committed suicide.
Ops: Sir, Starfleet has located a copy of Windows 98 to upgrade.
Picard: Install it, PLEASE!
Ops: Installed, sir. Turning on the computer. Whoa, what's a "fatal system error?"
Riker: How should I know?
Troi: I believe crew members are beginning to shoot themselves, captain.
(all lights go off, everything hooked up to computer dies)
Data: It would appear the system crashed.
Picard: How did people survive the twentieth century with that piece of crap?