This script is copyright 1991 And The Prune Bran Players. You can show it to your friends, just don't claim ownership!
(Opening: A globe is onstage.)
Kirk: (Recorded.) Space, the...final...frontier.
Picard: (Also recorded. During this, a model of the old Enterprise is brought out, to be quickly replaced by a model of the new Enterprise.) Oh, shut up. Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its five-year... continuing mission--to explore strange, new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man...no one has gone before!
(Theme music plays.)
Picard: (Recorded, interrupting.) That's enough! They've heard it before! Captain's Log stardate 20794.b. We are currently en route to the Teknis system to deliver a needed supply of carrots to the third planet, Consuite.
Picard: Estimated time of arrival, Mr. Data?
Data: We should reach the planet Teknis in 3 days, 12 hours, 42 minutes, 23.4 seconds, sir. Unless we increase speed to Warp 5, in which case it will take 2 days...
Picard: That's enough, Mr. Data!
Data: Or if we meet the 'Q' entity, which is extremely likely with the current set of writers, there is a 62% chance that...
Ensign1: Hey! It's my turn to sit next at the conn panel!
Ensign2: No way! You sat there last episode!
Picard: Ensigns, please! Why doesn't Wesley sit there?
Ensign1: He can't!
Picard: Why not?
Ensign2: This is the fifth season. He's at the Academy.
Riker: I don't know what you're fighting about. You know the person who sits there is most likely to die.
Ensign1: You're right! I sat there last time!
Ensign2: Oh, no no! Ladies first! (Ensign2 ends up sitting there.)
Worf: Captain! I am picking up an alien ship.
Picard: On screen.
Worf: I'm afraid I can't do that, sir.
Worf: Our budget has been cut. We don't have a screen.
Picard: Well, then, how is the audience supposed to see our wonderful special effects? Oh, never mind. Describe it, Mr. Worf.
Worf: Yes, sir. It is...pie shaped.
Riker: Pie shaped?
Worf: Yes. Like a giant...custard pie.
Picard: Open hailing frequencies!
Worf: There is no response.
Picard: Then open thunderstorming frequencies!
Data: Sir, that joke was used at EveCon. Under the Fair Humor Act, the same joke may not be used more than once...
Picard: Yes, yes, Mr. Data, I am well aware of the Fair Humor Act. If you remember, I wasn't there! You and Mr. LaForge were the only officers present.
Data: Oh, yes. My apologies, Captain.
Worf: We are being hailed!
Picard: On sc...never mind. (Stands up, straightens his uniform, of course.) This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Identify yourself!
Offstage: Undee hurdee bork bork bork!
Data: I am unable to translate. This language is far sillier than any I have previously encountered.
Picard: What are you getting, Counselor?
Troi: I am sensing an alien intelligence.
Picard: Thank you, Deanna. Your comments are helpful, as usual. (Enter Dr. Pulaski and Dr. Crusher, arguing.) Doctors, please! What's all the shouting about?
Pulaski: It's time I came back on the show!
Crusher: Why don't you go fall off a turbolift on L.A. Law?! They like me better as doctor.
Troi: Captain, I sense hostility between them!
Picard: Er, thank you, Counselor. Doctors, if you had waited, you would have found out we already have a doctor for this season.
Crusher: Oh yeah?? Who? (Enter Dr. Who.)
Who: That's right!
Data: Who's on first?
Who: No, Who's on the Enterprise!
Picard: What am I to do with all these Doctors in the house??
Pulaski: Why that little... (The Drs exit, arguing.)
Troi: Sir, to liven up the fifth season, Commander Riker and I would like to renew our sordid love affair.
Picard: (After contemplation.) Engage!
Worf: Captain, the sensors are insufficient to correctly read the alien vessel.
Picard: Hmmm. I'm going to the bar.
Riker: To the bar??
Picard: Didn't you see the opening credits? They listed Guinan. That means she has information we need. You have the bridge, Number One.
Riker: Yes, sir! (Moves to the captain's chair, of course. Lights out. Adam begins a walk with a sign that says "Bar.")
Picard: Stop! Why are you doing that?
Adam: Budget cuts, sir! We can't afford sets! Without this sign, the audience will have no way of knowing where you are!
Picard: Make it so. (Adam finishes his walk. Guinan is seated.)
Guinan, we need...
Guinan: You need help identifying the alien ship.
Picard: Yes! How did you know that?
Guinan: I read the script! They are known as the Bork!
Guinan: Yes. They are a race of Swedish chefs with one large collective intelligence. They roam the galaxy and destroy civilizations to try them in new recipes. They destroyed my race to garnish a tossed salad.
Picard: A collective intelligence? They may have the answers to all the great philosophical questions!
Guinan: No, they still don't know what's going on.
Picard: Well, how do we stop them?
Guinan: You don't stop them. They're indestructible. You run.
Picard: I am not about to turn tail and run from the Pillsbury Dough Boy!
Guinan: Besides, your ratings would drop like a bag of wet cement.
Picard: Er, yes, there's that, too. You know, you're a lot more helpful than Troi. How would you like to be Ship's Counselor?
Guinan: Hmm, now there's a thought!
Picard: Of course, you'd have to take a pay cut.
Guinan: Forget it. (Begin Adam walk "Bridge.")
Picard: I cannot get used to this means of scene change! (Finish Adam walk.)
Riker: Data, I want all specs on that Bork ship!
Picard: Number One, I haven't shared my information yet!
Riker: Sorry, sir. Please proceed.
Picard: All right, senior staff to the briefing room!
Riker: There is no briefing room, sir. Budget.
Picard: Fine, I'll tell you here. That ship is run by the Bork, a race of Swedish Chefs who want to use the Enterprise in their minestrone! We have to destroy them before they get to Earth!
Worf: Captain, we have come up with a solution to the viewscreen problem. (Ensign comes out with a poorly drawn picture of a pie-shaped spaceship).
Picard: Uh, thank you, Mr. Worf. Verbal descriptions will be fine.
Data: Bork ship is firing on us. They hit. (Everyone stands still).
Data looks around. Clears throat.) They hit.
All: Oh! (Everyone shakes to one side.)
Worf: Shields down 90%. We cannot sustain another attack.
Picard: Agreed. Engineering!
LaForge: (Offstage) Hey, you know what the Captain's hairs are called before he takes a shower? The dirty dozen!
Picard: Mr. LaForge, you will report to my ready room immediately!
Riker: Uh, you don't have a ready room, sir. There was only room in the budget for two scenes: the bridge and the bar.
Picard: Are there any more budget surprises waiting for me, Number One?
Riker: You should see how you get beamed aboard the Bork ship!
Picard: I can hardly wait!
Worf: We are receiving a message from the Bork.
Picard: On speaker.
Bork: Hurndee schlurndee Pee-card bork bork bork! (Picard stands, frozen.)
Riker: Uh, sir, why are you frozen?
Picard: Oh! I thought it was time for a commercial break.
Troi: Captain, I sense they're up to something.
Picard: Uh, Deanna, don't you have some patients to tend to?
(Deanna exits in a huff.)
Data: Sir, you must stand away from others so that the Bork may beam you aboard.
Picard: Thank you, Data, but you're not supposed to let the audience know that!
Data: My apologies, Captain. Should I also not inform them of the surprise ending where the captain of the Bork is really...
Picard: That will be enough, Mr. Data! (Moves away from everyone. A sign goes by reading "CHEAP SPECIAL EFFECTS." From behind it steps a Swedish Chef, who grabs Picard. The sign goes back, taking the Chef and Picard with it. LaForge enters.)
LaForge: Captain? Oh, drat, has he been abducted by the Bork already?
Riker: Yes. How did you know that?
LaForge: Guinan isn't the only one who can read a script!
Riker: Well, now that the Captain is gone, I'm in charge. (Straightens his uniform, sits in the Captain's chair.) Worf, tell the Bork we want our Captain back.
Worf: No response.
Riker: Oh, well, we tried. Mr. LaForge, get us out of here.
Worf: I don't think that would be appropriate. We must try to get the Captain back!
Riker: But we did! (Worf growls.) OK! OK! Yeesh! Mr. Worf, fire phasers and photon torpedoes at the Bork ship!
Worf: But we might destroy the Captain along with the ship!
Riker: Well, it's a chance we'll have to take. (Worf growls.) All right! All right! (Sighs.) Lead an away team, Mr. Worf.
Voice: (Offstage.) That won't be necessary!
Riker: Where's that coming from?
Data: From those speakers, sir. (Points to the speakers on the side of the stage. Riker rolls his eyes.)
LaForge: I think he means in relation to the story, Data!
Data: Ah. They are emanating from the Bork ship.
Voice: (Offstage.) That's right, Data! This is Captain Crusher of the Bork.
Riker: Captain Cr...? Wesley?
Wesley: (Offstage.) That's right! None of that academy garbage for me! I'm out to take over the galaxy! And with Picard's knowledge, I can do it! (Data starts pushing buttons. A big sign comes out reading "LOOK WHAT HE'S DOING!") With my Bork legionnaires here, I can...hey, why are you looking at me like that? What are you doing with those cleavers? TRANSPORTER!!!!! ("Cheap Special Effects" sign comes out again, depositing Wesley and Picard.)
LaForge: What did you do, Data?
Data: (Standing.) "Data" didn't do anything! You owe your continued existence to me!
Lore: Yes, you are all indebted to Data's evil twin brother! I convinced the Bork that Wesley was a giant chicken. "Data" never would have thought of that! Now, I'm going to take over this ship! (Throws Riker out of the captain's chair. Straightens his uniform. Sits.) Fire phasers! (Sound of phasers. Sound of explosion.)
Worf: The Bork ship has been destroyed!
Picard: You can't do that!
Lore: Why not?
Picard: It's not in the script!
Lore: Well, it seems Gene Roddenberry made me a little too well. I'm now under the power of no man!
Roni: Oh, Lore!
Lore: But I am under the power of a woman! Drat! I shall have to modify my program. (Exits with Roni.)
Riker: (Retaking the captain's chair and straightening his uniform.) Take us out of here, Mr. LaForge!
Picard: Uh, Number One...
Riker: Oh, I'm sorry sir! I forgot you were back.
Picard: Can I have my chair back?
Riker: Sorry, sir! (Gets up. Picard goes over to his chair, straightens his uniform, and sits.)
Picard: Would you take your place, Ensign Crusher?
Wesley: Aye, aye, sir. (Pulls out custard pie and hits Ensign2 with it.)
Ensign2: You were right. The person who sits here does die...(Dies.)
Riker: (Hitting communicator.) OWWW! Dr. Who, medical emergency on the bridge!
Wesley: I learned that from the Bork's "Great Battle Recipes." It's the deadliest cream pie in the galaxy! (Dr. Who comes in.)
Picard: Can you save him, doctor?
Who: Dammit, Jean-Luc, I'm a doctor, not a baker!
Picard: Please. (Dr. Who checks him with the tricorder.)
Who: He's dead, Jean-Luc!
Picard: Is the entire season going to be this daffy?
Offstage: You're dethhhhpicable!
Riker: It would appear so, sir.
Picard: Mr. Crusher, take us into syndication, warp 9.
Wesley: Aye, sir.
Picard: Engage! (Blackout. Ending music plays.)