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By: Andrew Babb
Exterior shot, Voyager glides by another planet on it's way to the Nearest Seven Eleven, on Earth.
Interior Shot, Crew in regular positions doing absolutely nothing as usual.
[Janeway walks onto bridge]
Janeway: Status report!
Kim: I'm Bored!
Tuvok: We are still 70 years away from home, dispite 4 years of travel.
Chakotay: I can't figure out why we didn't use that Warp 10 trick!
Paris: Bellona is slowly poisoning me to get rid of my character by next season!
Torres: Almost done, too!
Neelix: The dinner's escaped!
Kes: The writers are still trying to get rid of me!
Janeway: Good! Everything's normal! Any hostile ships in the system that we can fight and not be destroyed by? The crew needs some extra morale.
Tuvok: Negative captain, however I have gotten the highest score ever in tetris.
Janeway: Damn. And find a way to turn that game into a plot device, or quit playing it.
Tuvok: Aye, captain. [fiddles around on keyboard] the tetris game has just become a time warp, Captain.
Janeway: Dammit, I meant something like another alien virus or an Intelligence attempting to take over the ship, but not another--
Paris, interrupting: Captain, Voyager is accelerating to 88 miles per hour towards the rift, and for once I can't steer around it!
[Exterior shot, Voyager disappears, leaving a two trails of fire behind it.]
[Back on bridge]
Janeway: Tuvok! I want you to delete that game immediately!
Tuvok: Aye captain! [types on his panel] The warp is dissipating, we're exiting.
[Another Exterior shot, Voyager reappears from within the rift, leaving two trails of fire behind it.]
[bridge]
Janeway: Rear View, let's see that rift! [screen shifts to rear view, Shot of rift closing and the trails of fire] What the Hell? Fire can't exist in space! No Air!
Kim: This is a UPN show, Captain.
Janeway: Shut up Wes..er...Kim! I knew that!
Paris: Look! Earth!
Data: Population: Approximately 9 billion borg...
Neelix: Who the hell is that?
Torres: Shoo! Shooo!
Data: That's it! I'm going to Babylon Five!
Tuvok: Captain! Carbon dating states that this is Earth, 1997.
Janeway: God, not this Hellhole...er....interesting period in History again!
Neelix: I'll go monitor the soaps again Captain! I hope I haven't missed too many 'Days of our Lives'.....
[Flips to the Exterior shot once again, which is by now getting quite boring, and then to the 'hellhole'.]
[A garage in California]
Doc: What's that?[points to two trails of fire that just appeared in the sky]
Marty: I don't know, copyright infringement?
Doc: More time travelers! Let's go greet them!
Marty: But I thought our contract ran out!
Doc: The studio let me keep the car.
Marty: Ohhh.....
[they get in the DeLorien, which takes off and heads towards Voyager]
[Back on Voyager]
Janeway: Has our presence been detected yet?
Tuvok: Negative captain, however, we accidentally ran into a beat-up hunk of metal that was in Orbit. The people of this era may be suspicious.
Janeway: Did it have an identification Marking?
Paris: MIR, I think.
Janeway: Don't worry, they probably don't even know it's gone.
Kim: Captain, sensors show an object leaving the atmosphere and heading towards us!
Janeway: What is it, you dork?
Kim: Excuse me?
Janeway: I SAID, my fork.
Kim: Oh. It's a DeLorien, 1983 model captain. Should I shoot it?
Janeway: No, Wes, I mean Harry, there's the possibility that people From four hundred years in the past have a more advanced technology that could send us home.
All, except Janeway: Ohh.....
Torres: It's hailing us, Captain. Audio only.
Janeway: Answer it.
Operator's Voice: This is a collect call. Do you except?
Kim: AT&T, right?
Operator: No.
Kim :Switch us to an AT&T operator, please.
Janeway :Dammit. Once again he upstages everyone and saves the ship.
Operator2 :This is a collect call. Do you except?
Janeway: Yes.
Doc: Hail, fellow time travelers. What time are you from?
Janeway: Doc? What's he doing over there?
Paris: Read it again, Captain. It says 'Doc.' We always write it 'Doctor.'
Janeway: Oh. [Speaking to Doc] Are you from this century?
Marty: DUH!
Doc & Janeway: SHUT UP WESLEY! (Doc:)ERR.....Marty...
Doc: We are. Are you from the future?
Janeway: Yep. We're from a Star Trek show.
Doc: Sweeps week in the future, right?
Kim: How did he know?
Tuvok: Captain, we have to assume that the visitor is telepathic, be careful what you think everyone.
Paris: Too late.
[Torres Stares at Paris.]
[Inside the DeLorien, 2 hours later]
Marty: Why haven't they answered your 'sweeps week question' yet?
Doc: You did remember to put 25 cents in for the next three minutes, Marty?
Marty, fishing a quarter out of his pocket and placing into the public phone slot inside the car: Sorry doc.
Janeway, Finishing off a long and boring speech. Cast can be heard snoring in the background: ...and soooo, to make a long story short, we're trapped here. Can you help us?
Doc: Of course.
[Back on Bridge]
Janeway: Good, I'll be--
Tuvok, interrupting: Captain, I've discovered a way to return to own time. Hope you haven't made a deal with the pilot of the DeLorien.
Janeway: Of course not. [finger slips to a button that says "Fake
Torpedo hit, copyright 2280, J.T. Kirk."]
[Bridge Shakes]
Janeway: We're under attack! Arm Phasers and lock on Target!
[Torres wakes up suddenly and knocks a coffee cup onto the weapons console, It shorts out and for some reason the science station explodes, killing a nameless Ensign.]
Torres: Weapons are gone!
Paris: They've got us outclassed!
Tuvok: Captain, should I activate 'Solitaire?'
Janeway: On three! One...two....five!
Kim: Three Sir!
Janeway: Shut up Kim! Three!
Tuvok: Approaching 88 miles per hour!
[Exterior shot, Voyager disappears into the rift again, leaving two trails of fire behind.]
[Inside of DeLorien]
Doc: Wonder what that as about?
Marty: Isn't UPN a Paramount Network?
Doc: Well, that explains it.
[Exterior shot of Voyager, comes out of the rift and leaves two trails of fire behind it.]
Neelix: AIIEEEE!
[Bridge]
Janeway: What was that?
Neelix, storming onto the bridge: Days of our Lives was just about to end! God, why couldn't we have just stayed 5 minutes longer?
Paris: You sod! I wet my pants I was so scared!
Torres, giggling: Like that's hard to do!
Tuvok: There is a small, defenseless ship in this sector, captain. Should we pursue and try to start the next episode right?
Janeway: Engage!
Picard: Hey!
Torres: Shoo! Shooo!
Janeway: Any way we can fit the doctor into this story?
[Tuvok walks over to Kim and breaks Harry's arm.]
Tuvok: Activate Emergency Medical Hologram.
Doctor :Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
Tuvok: Harry slipped on this spot of coffee and broke his arm.
Kim: Did not! YOU broke it!
Tuvok: Logically, it does not matter.
Janeway: Bravo Tuvok! And find out how the hell those two tracks can even exist!
Kim: Captain, it's a UPN sho--"gurgle gurgle"
[Doctor is choking Kim.]
Janeway: Doctor, your hippocratic oath....
Doctor: Sorry Captain. I just couldn't help myself.
[Exterior shot, Voyager glides off, with tetris theme music playing in the background]
Janeway: WHO THE HELL IS PLAYING THAT?
[The Garage in California, 1997]
[Black Car pulls into the driveway, to people step out.]
Scully: Are you sure this is an X-File?
Mulder: The truth is out there, Scully.
Scully: You Trekkie twit.
Mulder: What? Excuse me?
Scully: I said BOO! WRECKING WHIP!
Mulder: Oh. That's what I thought.
[Cut to an overly dramatic shot, role credits.]
WHAT DID WE LEARN THIS WEEK? VOYAGER RUNS ON DIESEL, THE MOST POWERFUL FUEL IN THE UNIVERSE. |
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