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This story is copyrighted 1997 Aidan Mc Guinness. It may be copied for free distribution, but do not post, or alter without the author's written permission. If you wish to post it on some web-site or have any comments to make on the story itself, please e-mail me at mcguinab@tcd.ie
Note : This story is definetely best enjoyed if you know Voyager (naturally) and know the film 'Reservoir Dogs' quite well. I hope though it also merits interest for those of you who have not.
** Voyager Dogs **
[Opening Scene - It's the recreation, food place, on Voyager. Mr. Kim, Mr. Tuvok, Doc, Unknown
Security Guard, Mr. Paris, Janeway and Nice-as-a-Dead-Guy-Neelix are all seated around one table].
Kim : The holoprogram is all about a guy who digs a computer with big *techie word*
Paris : Now I got to say I preferred the older phase of programs when they were in their "Ski
blue" phase.
Tuvok : Illogical. The programs have never changed - merely your perception of them.
Paris : Yeah blah blah.
Unknown Security Guard : Hey you guys are making me lose my train of thought here! Where was I
like?
Doc : You were talking about the new holosuite program and how it's all about a guy..
Kim [puzzled frown] : Wasn't I talking about that?
Unknown Security Guard [aside to Kim] : Plot error [To everyone else] You see the computer
has a new neural process and it is on day and night processing. On on on on on on on on
ON!
Tuvok : Well naturally it is on. Otherwise it would not be processing.
Unknown Security Guard : Yeah but multiple repetitions of the word "processing" just doesn't
sound good. Anyway the technician has grown tired with all the old stuff. Suddenly he
sees this new fangled piece of hardware. It works fast, it works well - but, most of
all he can't fully comprehend it's CPU. It reminds him of the time when he was in the
Academy when he saw a mainframe CPU for the first time. Hence - "Like a Techie."
Neelix : Hey, have you guys been watching my special "Morning With Neelix?"
Doc [shaking head] : Oh man, *BEEPING* awful.
Paris [muttering] : Utterly sucks big time. I heard the crew have taken to throwing themselves
into the cold vacuum of space, or to Borg assimilation rather than to chance seeing it.
Neelix : You know what I featured on it the other day?
Kim : "How To Be A Happy Little Starfleet Officer?" - That was my article.
Neelix : A re-run of Babylon 5 Season Four. You know I never knew it was set in the Year 2261.
Doc : But it says it right there in the opening "The Year is 2261.."
Neelix : Yeah I know that *now* but I didn't know that *then*. Who would have thought it was set
circa the time of old Kirk
Doc : Hell I knew it was set in 2261 and I don't even follow that excellent sci-fi programme.
Janeway : Chakotay...Chakotay Long...Chakotay Sung...
Paris : Gimme that.
Janeway [screech] : Give me back my book!
Paris : For the past 15 minutes you've been drooling on about Chakotay.
Chakotay Long, Chakotay Sung! I got Unknown Security Guard's big-tech-rubbish comin' outta my
left ear and Chakotay-I-am-an-ethnic-minority-put-in-by-sappy-star-trek-producers-cause-
we-are-so-bloody-goodie-goodie-two-shoes-and-look-at-my-stupid-tatoos-and-I-am-extremely-
boring-and-when-will-Janeway-and-I-get-together-oh-ye-gods-could-you-imagine-our-
offspring! comin' outta my right.
Janeway : Give me back my book! That's a direct order!
Paris : Are you going to stop drooling over Chakotay?
Janeway : No! He's boring and I'm an android! I like him!
Paris : Well then you're not having it.
Tuvok : Do you want me to shoot him?
[Pretends to shoot Paris]
Janeway : I'm going off to pay for that meal. When I come back are you going to give me back my
book?
Paris : Will you stop breathing if I do?
Janeway : We all wish! No I won't. I've changed my mind - KILL HIM! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
DAVROS RULES!
Tuvok [pretends to shoot Kim]
Janeway : I said shoot Paris!
Tuvok : Yeah but Kim's a pain!
Paris : * NOPE * , you shoot me in a dream you'd better wake up and like apologise for having
done so as it is not cordial.
Tuvok : But if a dream can be seen as the mind's interpretation of subconscious desires, then in
essence my dream would be a manifestation of what I wanted to do. Therefore to apologise
for my dream would be to apologise for my desires, which would be a denial of an
essential part that makes up my personality. I would not be
[All turn around and give him a flat - "Shut the f**k up" look]
Tuvok : Illogical as this all is, and besides the fact that I have already constructed an
assortment of extremely boring but plausible replies, I will shut up. Okay?
Janeway [gets up] : I'll settle the bill. You guys tip.
[Janeway moves away]
[All throw in money except Doc]
Doc : Uh-uh I don't tip.
Neelix : You don't tip?!
Doc : Nope. I don't believe in it.
Neelix : I don't even a * pleasant Star Trek substitute for an ancient religion * who would say
that. You never tip?
Doc : No of course not!
Paris : You know what these waitresses make?
Doc : I don't care - it's not my problem.
Neelix : Let me get this straight - you never tip?
Doc : I'll only tip if the service was of a high enough standard. Now we've been here nearly an
hour and my cup has only been refilled twice. When I am here that long I expect five or
six refills.
Paris : Yeah well maybe she's too busy to fill your cup
Doc : The words too * DOC! * busy shouldn't be in a waitress' vocabulary.
Tuvok : If I may intervene her Mr. Doc. If the words 'too busy' were not in a waitress'
vocabulary then we would merely use a suitable synonym. If however, as I think you mean
it, that the comprehension of being too busy, as in the notion thereof, should be
eliminated as a concept then I must say you have a flawed idea. Consider the fact that
she faces a crisis and -
Doc [muttering] : Please, please let him die. Just for me. Please [aloud] Yeah very nice Tuvok
but it doesn't change the fact I didn't get my coffee. In fact I'll have one now -
Garcon! Coffee!
[Waitress walks up. It is Guinan.]
Guinan : Garcon is the French for boy. I am a women.
Unknown Security Guard : Just of curiosity - how come the Universal Translators did not
translate 'Garcon' as boy but left in the original French tongue? By the same token why
do loads of us bother learning Klingon when our software can do it for us?
Guinan : Some words of advice for you all, from me Mysterious Advice Dame (hey look at that for
an acronym!). Yes me the purple gal with the pancake hat who is always good to throw in
to the occasional episode so we get the exotic ancient alien advice.
Doc : Get on with it you stupid Borg lover! I am in the middle of dialogue here!
Guinan : Unknown Security Guard - Beware the thing that blinds you. It will only make things
worse. Janeway - beware ah she's not here so bugger her, she won't get any advice.
Neelix - You are a stupid fat * GOSH CAN GUINAN SAY THAT WORD?! *.
Neelix : That's not very helpful advice!
Guinan : The truth is always helpful. Paris - Beware where you place your trust for it may
thrust itself back on you! Oh a delicious play on words there old girl! Let me see who
is left, Ah yes Doc - Ah you're sound enough. Kim - Ah no it's too funny what happens to
you.
Kim : What? What happens to me? Tell me!
Unknown Security Guard : And what was all that blind stuff about? Was that a cheap Geordi
reference? Do I have to wear a hair-band around my eyes?
Paris : At least mine is clear enough. I am going to be betrayed by someone in whom I place pure
trust. I better watch out for that one and not get caught or anything - eh Mr Kim!
Guinan : Anyway I've dished out my garbage so I'll be off. Oh I think I'll throw in a
'Yesterday's Enterprise' and leave saying how this universe isn't right, that there's
something wrong. Oh I know I am right! La de da!
[Guinan leaves]
Tuvok : Well of course it isn't right. This is a parody for crying out loud!
Doc : So as I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, I don't tip.
Paris : It doesn't bother you that these waitresses aren't depending on your tips to live
because we all live equally? (Interestingly enough this stinks a bit of communism whose
very ideas we abhorred so much, especially in the original series when we embodied those
Russians as Klingons. Any speculation on this one?)
Doc : Look it doesn't bother me. It would seem to me that waitresses are just one of the many
groups that the government looks after on a regular basis. If there's a bill I will sign
it, but what I won't do is play ball - purely because ball games are boring and out-
dated.
Paris : Waitressing is the number one occupation for non-Academy female women in the Federation.
Tuvok : Actually it is not. That would be illogical for the following reasons -
Paris : Shut up.
Doc : Look I have two words for that - learn to * BLEEPING * type.
Tuvok : May I raise some points here - 1) That was four words and not two. 2) Typing?? What use
is that???
Doc : Okay fair enough. My point is that I shouldn't tip them. I mean you go into some crummy
bar, they serve you food and you eat it. But you don't tip them, do you? Why not? They're
providing the same service as here and make minimum wage. But no - society says tip this
lot but not those. That's * SMELLY BOVINE SUBSTANCE *!
Unknown Security Guard : Yeah but this girl was nice.
Doc : No she wasn't. She was annoyingly vague with her dumb prophecies. Nothing special one bit.
Unknown Security Guard : What's special? Take you in the back and give you the latest technical
up-date on warp field theory?
Neelix : I'd go nothing for that!
Kim [wide-eyed} : I'd go up 1000000% for that!
Doc : Besides when I was young I never had a job that society deemed tip worthy.
Paris : Probably because you are only a computer simulation and had no use for money. Also you
were never 'young' as such.
Doc : Fair enough. But this tipping automatically? It's for the birds!
Tuvok : Birds? Birds are generally possessing too little intelligence to comprehend matters of
finance. Notwithstanding the fact that they would not eat in a dining establishment. In
addition -
Doc : Oh god I hope you get written off. Besides I have a far better reason.
Tuvok : We are on a star ship with no hint of any capitalist structure?
Doc : Yes. This is Star Trek! We have eliminated money on board our ships! In case you haven't
noticed we are on board our ship! Therefore money is a waste of time!
Tuvok : His logical approach has convinced me. I want my money back.
[All agree and withdraw money]
Janeway : Who didn't tip?
All : All of us
Janeway : Tip? What was I thinking? Kate, you get your head together woman!
This is Voyager! Not that Earth role you play in the holodecks as Kate
Mulgrew! All right trekkers let's get trekking!
[All groan. It was a bad pun]
[Scene - The intrepid bunch stroll down a stretch of blank corridor to a jaunty piece of
music. They pass a parked blue shuttle and are walking in a jerking fancy motion and
all look pretty good. The camera turns to watch them go into the sunset almost but switches
back so we see the custard pie flying through the air, hitting Kim, because he can never look
good. Then the title screen comes up - Voyager Dogs.]
[ Scene - Shuttle flying around in circles inside a cargo-bay. This is because I
want a moving vehicle but it has nowhere to go 'cause the whole thing is
set on Voyager. We look inside the shuttle]
Kim : I've been shot! I've been shot!
Paris : Yes I get the blinking picture - you have been shot.
Kim : Argh I am bleeding.
Paris : Actually you aren't. Since when do our guns make people bleed?
Kim : Argh - I. Am. Shot.
Paris : Incorrect grammar. Look you're annoying me - I'm going to push you out
of my shuttle now and let you rot.
Kim : Oh my god! That 'friendly but misinformed woman' shot me! I can't believe she shot me.
Paris : Err- why can't you believe it? You see a lunatic coming towards you with a gun,
you might, for some bizarre reason, want to shoot them before they shoot you. And even
then she might have just shot you because you are an irritating piece of * ST is PG *.
Kim : Good point. Now back to my job - I. am. hurt.
Paris : God you manage to do wooden acting even when you ain't acting! That is a pretty
poor show.
Kim : For crying out loud - I am dying.
Paris : Are you a doctor? Answer me! Are you a doctor!
Kim : I'm shot! Argh!
Paris : Yes but are you a doctor? I wasn't aware you had a degree in medicine!
Kim : I don't.
Paris : Sugar. I was hoping you did. Look here's what we're going to do.
Kim : Go to the rendezvous point. Wait for Janeway. She will get me a doctor and then
I will be healed and stuff.
Paris : That's a great idea!
Kim : You mean you were- hold on a second - ARGH - you mean you were thinking of
something else.
Paris : No. No. I meant that idea. Yes. Kim aren't you worried that it all will go horribly
wrong and that you will die and stuff?
Kim : Good People Do Not Die. I believe that because I am Happy Kim.
Paris [groaning] : Let's go.
[Shuttle lands. Paris drags out Kim and throw him in a corner].
Paris : You're going to be okay man.
Kim : I'm not really, am I?
Paris : Well now you did die before and we still got stuck with you. So
there! Now Neelix is on his way here and he's going to check you out and
you're going to be be okay. Say it with me - you're going to be okay.
Kim : Want Mummy.
Paris : Say the words! Ah please!
Kim [rolls his eyes] : Okay - I am going to be okay. I don't think so
really though. Look it's best you drop me off at a hospital and let
me take care of myself. I won't tell them anything. No. I am not the rat
or anything. Absolutely not. No.
Paris : Shut your gob you little piece of crap oh are we recording? I mean
Kim we better wait till Janeway gets here.
[Cargo bay doors enter and Doc runs in]
Doc: Was that a * Star Trek Happy Happy Alternative * set-up or what?
Paris : You think that?
Doc : How can you even doubt it? I mean look at the script! It's obvious!
Now I know I tipped no-one, cause I would say that, and I think you tipped
no-one. Well no-one tipped. I mean no-one told the police. Well security.
Anyway we go into engineering and ask for dilithium crystals. Then Tuvok
goes mad and starts shooting everybody. Security arrives. I mean how old do
you think that Klingon/human chief engineer who was blown to absolute
shreds, and is permanently dead, never to split into two personalities
again thank Christ, was?
Paris : Who cares! She's dead.
Doc : This is Star Trek. Who knows if she died...She'll probably be brought
back to life.
Paris : Look we got to take this guy to sickbay.
Doc : No way!
Paris : Without medical attention this kid will die!
Doc : We can't take him to sickbay. Look the ship is probably crawling with
security They could be on their way right here right now.
Paris : You mean all security's people right here right now? Do you know what I mean?
Doc : Yeah, yeah and it's an awful reference. I mean is Janeway here yet?
Paris : I don't think so..
Doc : Which makes me real suspicious about being here!
Paris : Look like I said - without medical attention this kid will die.
Doc : Exactly! Anyway no point - I am the doctor. I am here. Not in
sickbay. Therefore forget sick-bay. Just as a matter of interest -
Does he have anything on you?
Paris : Yes.
Doc : What?
Paris : I downloaded every single iota of interest about me onto a little computer
thing and gave it to him.
Doc : What did you do that for?
Paris : Because this is Star Trek and we all trust and love our fellow crew members.
Doc : Oh great! Then we'll kill him to silence him!
Paris : No wait! You shoot this kid (and kid is appropriate here) you die
next! Repeat, if -
Doc : That line is for later man!
Paris : Let's go into the sinks to calm down.
Doc : Where's the commode in this joint?
Paris : Good one! The old commode Star Trek joke!
Doc : This is all so messed up!
Paris : It's a parody - what do you expect?
Doc : It's all so bad! It's so bbbaaaddddd...
Paris : Doc.. I need you cool. Are you cool?
Doc : [kicks leg through chair] I am cool. Unfortunately the same can't be said of Kim -
the word 'geek' springs to mind.
Paris : I agree utterly. Now let us go over what happened.
Doc : If we have to!
Paris : We are in engineering. Then security appears and Mr. Tuvok goes mad and starts
shooting everyone-
Doc : No that's not what happened.
Paris : What do you mean? Security appears -
Doc : No Security didn't appear until after Mr. Tuvok started firing. Now I'm not saying they
weren't there already.. well I am of course. But like they were probably waiting. And
then red alert came on and like they came. And stuff. And there was the fun-fight. And
Paris : What did you think of Mr. Tuvok?
Doc : I think he's a boring git and not a patch on Spock. He's a stupid waste of space. His
attempts to be interesting make me want to personally slit my own throat and blow both
our brains out. He is another pathetic attempt by Star Trek creators to make us think
Star Trek embraces all minorities equally by making him black skinned when it is obvious
the whole universe is tilted into favouring comfy Caucasian people.
Paris : I meant the way he started firing. He was nuts!
Doc : Actually he's a Vulcan and he was firing very methodically.
Paris : Yeah okay but how good of an actor was that Torres one he shot? Abysmal? About as
good as having your face peeled off with a blunt potato peeler and then having salt
poured over the wound?
Doc : If that. Look the presence of security tells us we were set up (let us ignore the obvious
chance that they could have called security in *after* we came on the scene by their
little badges). Now for all I know Janeway could be the rat.
Paris : Hey I've known Janeway for three seasons and she is no rat!
Doc : I've known Janeway since I was born sort of since I came on-line. Whatever. All my
life. Then again I amn't technically alive am I? But then neither was Data Oh god that
reminds me of that awful sentient robot thing episode we did. better move on quickly -
Look Janeway ain't here which makes me suspicious. For all I know that kid out there
could be the rat.
Paris : Hey you're right! No wait a sec - I saw that kid take a * NAUGHTY MR. PARIS! * bullet
for me so don't you be saying he is some sort of * AH COME ON NOW! * rat!
Doc : Bullet?
Paris : Err.. plasma burn. Phase thingie. I slipped in 'bullet' to show my hilarious knowledge
of 20th century earth - what an amazing coincidence I study that era and that I can
relate to the viewers rather than any of the other myriad of centuries I could chose.
Wow. So my point being that he took a burn for me so he can't be the rat.
Doc : Why not?
Paris : What?
Doc : What's that got to do with anything?
Paris : If he was the rat he wouldn't have got shot.
Doc : Did a cop shoot him?
Paris : No.
Doc : So what's your point? A bystander might have thought he was a bad guy, shot him, but
that don't mean he isn't the rat.
Paris : Hot * INSERT CUTE PHRASE * ! Good point! Look I don't think so! Do you really think
Starfleet would employ a moron, whinge like him?
Doc [darkly] : We must always remember Wesley Crusher.
[Both shudder]
Doc : For all I know you're the rat.
Paris : For all I know you're the * CUTE PHRASE 2! * rat! Or Kim - no wait a second, I am meant
to be defending him.
Doc : Alright! Now you're using your brain!
Paris : For once.
Doc : So let's take a break here.
[Both sit down, eat a hamburger and fries from a replicator, and then get up]
Paris : So, for curiosity's sake, how did you get out?
Doc : I walked out.
Paris : Oh. Nothing more dramatic?
Doc : Nope. Just walked out the door and ran here.
Paris : That's a bit disappointing. Can't you spice it up? Make something up!
Doc : Oh okay! I shot my way out!
Paris : Much better!
[Scene - Doc running down corridor. Security is in pursuit and Doc is knocking people aside]
Officers : Stop! Security!
[Doc runs around a corner and starts firing like mad killing No Name Ensign #2. He gets a
shuttle, despite being in a corridor, throws the occupant out and gets away]
[Cut-back to Shuttle Bay]
Doc : How did you get out?
Paris : Leave that for later. I'd rather talk about me.
Doc : I wouldn't.
Paris : Tough.
[Card - Mr. Paris. Scene - Janeway's office. Janeway is in her chair and Paris is walking around
her, a drink of replicated whisky in his hand]
Janeway : So how's Alabama?
Paris : What?
Janeway : I asked...forget it. How's life?
Paris : Not sure. I mean I would say 'good' but that'd be utter * BLEEP * wouldn't it? I
am stuck on a ship, with an annoying crew and boring story-lines, with wooden acting
and I am light years away from home. So therefore life cannot be good.
Janeway : Sorry about the acting Rob.
Paris : It's alright Kate, forget it. Just a momentary lapse of reason.
Janeway : Okay cut the rubbish here - job. Crystals. Security heavy. Tight.
Want in?
Paris : How does it work?
Janeway : The crystals will help power the ship when they're there.
Paris [rascal grin] : No they won't!
Janeway : Funny. So anyway like you want in?
Paris : What's the cut?
Janeway : What?
Paris : The money. Reward.
Janeway : We have no money.
Paris : So why should I bother?
Janeway : Because...okay more replicator rations. And holodeck time.
Paris : Nice. I hear they got some new oranges in the replicator - what are
they like?
Janeway : Juicy. Real juicy.
[Cut back to cargo bay]
Paris : By the way Kim is still dying like. I say we do something.
Doc : Like what?
Paris : We plead for clemency, you heal him.
Doc : Like duh if you think I am going to do that.
Paris : What's the worst she can do?
Doc : Execute us.
Paris : Hmm still you should be nicer about Kim.
Doc : Yes. Maybe nice as in a mercy killing.
Paris : Hey leave that kid alone!
Doc : Alone in a grave if you like!
[Paris runs at the doctor who immediately walks aside leaving Paris to crash into the studio
wall, and send it tumbling aside. He then gets up and kicks the Doc about the place until they
remove phasers on each other].
Doc : You want a piece of me huh?
Paris : No.
Doc : I'll show you who..oh you don't.
Tuvok : You adults shouldn't play so dangerously - it is illogically and morally wrong and
someone may start to shed tears.
Paris : Where the * LOOK PG RATING! * have you been?
Tuvok : Don't take another step Mr. Chicago - ha I made a funny joke.
Paris : I'm warning you! No dire Star Trek humour here!
Tuvok : Are you gonna bark all day little *amusing star-trek creature* or
are you gonna bite?
Paris : Sorry? What did you say? Could you repeat that please, I didn't quite catch that.
Tuvok [shouting] : I said, are you gonna bark all day little * amusing star-trek creature* or
are you gonna bite.
Paris : Yeah no I heard you the first time but the director wanted it again because the sound
recorder had a glitch. As to my response - Woof, woof. I'd rather bark but.. well the
script says fight.
[Paris runs at him. The Doc steps between them].
Doc : Hey you guys are acting like a bunch of first year * LET'S PUT IN SOME FUNNY RACE! *. Do
you want to be like * THE FUNNY RACE * ?
[They calm down].
Tuvok : My heart's beating so much the same I doubt I am going to have a heart attack.
Doc : So why bother mentioning it?
Tuvok : Doc - it fits in. Just trust me on this one. I feel like I am in sort of movie.
Doc : No just a TV programme with too much money to spend.
Paris [to Tuvok]: I bet you're a big Lee Marvin fan.
Tuvok : I am unfamiliar with him.
Paris : Ah yes. Well if you knew him no you probably still would not be a fan.
Tuvok : Fan people are illogical.
Paris : Don't speak to me about illogical when we have a fourth season and decent stuff like
SAAB and American Gothic do not!
Tuvok : Come outside - I've got something I want to show you guys so follow me.
Paris : Oh goodie! What is it? A worm-hole back home?
Tuvok : Yes.
Doc : Really? Hurrah!
Tuvok : That was another attempt at humour. Seeing the look on your faces I think I failed.
[Exit out into corridor. The corridor is quiet, and plain, and boring - just one more set-piece].
Tuvok : Okay we're staying here.
Paris : Says who?
Tuvok : Neelix.
Paris : You spoke to crap-chef-crap-crew-morale-officer-nice-as-a-dead-guy Neelix?
Tuvok :Yes. He's coming right over.
Paris : Why the * HAPPY HAPPY STAR TREK EQUIVALENT! * didn't you say so?
Tuvok : 'Cause you never asked.
Paris : Har-de-* STAR TREK'S AMUSING ALTERNATIVE * har!
Doc : Y'know he has a good point there!
[Tuvok shows them what he has lying in the corridor. They all grin. The
camera pans to reveal a bound,gagged, very frightened, and soon to be
tortured - Kes!]
[Insert Card - Mr. Tuvok. Scene - Janeway's office. Tuvok and Janeway are both seated. Neelix is
walking up]
Neelix : I see you sitting there but I don't believe it!
Tuvok : Why not? Logically since I left jail I would come here.
Neelix : Ah. Yes. Who is your parole officer?
Tuvok : Mr. Bashir.
Neelix : What he like?
Tuvok : Bashir? He likes little...ah..yes..Look I really appreciate
everything you guys sent me while I was on the inside.
Janeway : We sent you nothing. What could I do? Security was tight.
Tuvok : I was being sarcastic.
Janeway : Impressive for a Vulcan. Listen I've a deal - you want a job. We
got one. Time card clock in thing to fool Bashir.
Tuvok : Yeah but the job sounds boring.
Janeway : Should suit you then - HA!
Neelix : Daddy I have an idea. Hear me out - He helps us with the job. I
know, I know he's a psycho but he should spice things up.
Janeway : Oh al-right. I'm a softie at heart.
[Cut to a boring corridor stretch with Neelix running his fat ass as fast as he can. Which isn't
much]
Neelix : Yes I know Unknown Ensign. Now put me on to Captain. I don't know what happened! All I
know is that Tuvok called and everything went haywire. Yeah, I'm on my way now.
[Cut back to Shuttle Bay. Music plays - "Now just stop Voyager and give it in". Kes is being
kicked around the cargo bay. She is tied to a strut and punched and punched.]
Doc : You like that, eh Kes?
Paris : Come on Kes, come on! Stupid crew member!
Kes : Ugh! [spits out wad of blood]
[Neelix enters]
Neelix : What's going on here! Why you torturing my wife!!!!
Paris : She's our hostage and we all hate her.
Neelix : So all I can is that you * LETS PRETEND THIS WORD DOES NOT EXIST! * mess things up.
Paris : Don't you call me * THE NON-EXISTENT WORD! *
Neelix : You * NON-EXISTENT WORD 2 * mess them up!
Paris : Don't call me that either! It's not very polite!
Neelix : Fair enough. What happened? Please, someone, tell me that they got
the dilithium crystals, just for my sake, just to make me happy.
Doc : I got the crystals. I got them stashed - we can go get them now.
Neelix : Okay we will. First of all we got to get rid of all these shuttle
craft - it's looking like a shuttle bay out here.
Doc : It is.
Neelix : Ah. Yes. Okay. We better go because Janeway is going to be *miffed *
Paris : Janeway is going to be * miffed * off? She ain't going to be half
as * miffed * off as I am with that guy [points to Tuvok]. He went crazy in
engineering! Shooting everybody! Blood everywhere! I've never seen anything
like it! [Turns to Doc] What are you? A * naughty* silent partner? Tell
him!
Doc : I'm a doctor not a silent partner.
Paris : This is what he was doing - Blam! Blam! Buddha buddha! Argh! Eek!
Blood! Blam! Blam! Screams!
Tuvok : Yeah, yeah - blam, blam blam. I told them not to call security and
they did! If they hadn't had done, what I told them not to do they wouldn't
have got hurt.
Paris : My * We here at Star Trek can't say this word! * hero!
Neelix : Enough of this! I'm spotty morale officer! We are all friends now!
[All hug each other. This is Star Trek and everyone loves everyone else]
Neelix : Oh by the way torturing this girl won't tell you anything. You torture her long enough
and she'll tell you she started the Wolf 359 incident but that don't necessarily make
it so.
Doc : But she probably did start it. Somehow. Look can't we just torture her on general
principle of her being a pain?
Neelix : Fair enough. Let's go. Oh yeah Tuvok guard this girl.
[Neelix, Doc and Paris leave]
Tuvok : Alone at last.
Kim : 'Scuse me! Are you my Mom?
Tuvok : I beheaded Mommy Kim.
Kim : Wah!
Kes : You can torture me all you want but I don't know anything. They don't
tell me anything - probably because I can't remember it. All I know is my
cats name is Mittens. I think.
Tuvok : Torture you, that's that's a good idea - I like that one.
Kes : You like my idea? Oh thanks! No-one has ever said that to me before! What about my hair -
do you like that too?
Tuvok : No I don't. Even if I do surpress my emotions I still feel like vomiting looking at that
thing you call hair.
Kes : Even your boss said..something. I forget.
Tuvok : My what?
Kes : What?
Tuvok : You said "Even your boss said.."
Kes : I did?
Tuvok : Yes, just a second ago!
Kes : Did I? I forget.
Kim : No, you did say it. Tuvok's right.
Kes : Tuvok's right? About what?
Kim : You saying "Even your boss said..."
Kes [pauses] : Where am I? Who am I?
Tuvok [groans] : Listen - did you ever listen to Neelix's talk programme?
Kes [eyes widen] : No! Not his chat show!
Tuvok [grins and turns on monitor calling up a recording of the show] :
Here it is.
[Tuvok starts to dance. He removes a rusty knife coated in vinegar and
salt.]
Kes : Gaga goo goo!
[Neelix gets louder. Kes starts to moan in pain but Tuvok is able to
repress his emotional responses. Suddenly he darts forward and begins
slicing her ear off.]
Kes : Ann and Barry. Barry likes jam. Ann likes cats. La la
Tuvok : Hmm...not what I expected. Don't go anywhere - I'll be right back.
[Tuvok wanders off and returns with petrol]
Tuvok : Thankfully we have something left over from the 37s. [Pours oil
over Kes]
Kes : Argh! Argh! You're destroying my beautiful hair-do!!! My hair! It's
ruined!
Tuvok [pulls out little flame gizmo] : Excuse me! Excuse me! Are you
finished yet? Are you all done?
Kes : My hair! Goo goo ga ga!
Tuvok : How about a little fire, huh?
Kes : Will fire help my hair?
Tuvok : Yes it will give it high-lights! My humour!!!!
[Suddenly Tuvok is blown backwards by a rapid stream from a plasma rifle -
fired by Kim in the corner. Tuvok falls down dead].
Kim [coughing up blood] : I'm from Starfleet.
Kes [brightly] : Whats that?
Kim [stream of blood pouring from his mouth] : A big thing on earth. We're not sure if it's
an organisation or more along military lines - rumour has it that it's more military,
especially with DS9. Kes you've been with us practically all your sad little life - how
can you forget us?
Kes : Forget who?
Kim : Starfleet!
Kes : Yes I think I know - ships. Stars. Fun. Hairdos every day for freeeeeeeee!
Kim : Err..yes. Don't you remember? We've had loads of adventures together.
Kes : I don't remember! Oh I knoow you! You're mummy's boy!
Kim : Yes! You know me! What's your name?
Kes : Mittens! No...it's...I'm an airhead. Me forget. Tell me the truth Kimsie -
Kim : It's Kim
Kes : How does my hair look?
Kim : [laughs] Not great.
Kes : Those * STAR TREK HAS CENSORED THESE CURSES *! They ruined my *
NAUGHTY WORDS * hair! They ruined my hair! Oh and my ear. But my hair!!!
Kim : DARN YOU! DARN YOU! I am dratting well dying here! I am dratting well
dying!
[Insert cue card - Mr. Kim. Scene - Quark's bar on Deep Space Nine. Sisko is seated at a table
and Kim strolls up to him but accidentally trips and falls face first into a cream-pie. He
wipes the cream off and, bits of it still there, sits down beside Sisko. The cream incident was
done to ensure Kim has no good moments.]
Kim : Speaking to Janeway. A job is on and take one big guess who they want? I'm in!
Sisko : Okay my guess is - Gul Dukat!
Kim : No it's me! I am in!
Sisko : They picked you? Sheesh that surprises the hell out of me! Sure it's you?
Kim : Yes.
Sisko : Someone with cream on their face? Wipe it off you dire little jump-start ensign.
[Kim wipes it off and now Kim and Sisko congratulate each other. The camera man moves back
to take shot from outside the window meaning he is instantly annihilated in the cold
vacuum of outer space]
Sisko : What can you tell me about it?
Kim : Well we all got these names. Mine's Kim....speaking to this other guy
called Paris. We were talking about baseball and last night's match Earth
vs. Vulcan and how he had a bet for Earth.
Sisko : Which means this stupid * LA LA * is from Earth!
Kim : Ping!
Sisko : So what I want you to do is go through all the old records and
match names to faces. I'm sure this guy has a record back where he comes
from.
Kim : Would have been far easier if you had just used some gizmo to track them or let me
take a DNA sample to find their IDs.
Sisko : KIM! HOW DARE YOU! Surely you realise we always find wonderful and inventive means out
of crises and then forget these brilliant things? Surely you realise there are always
easier ways for us to do things and we never do them, sacrificing them for better
stories.
Kim : Maybe better stories for DS9 but not Voyager
Sisko : True.
Kim : You know No Plot Taylor's information was spot on! She gives me a
recommendation and reference and I was in - you should do her good.
Sisko [leans forward] : No way. No Plot Taylor is scum. Because of her DS9
might end earlier than otherwise. Because of her we have more [high
pitched voice] 'crew-happy-relationship' episodes. I'll deal with her.
What can you tell me about Janeway?
Kim : Janeway? She's a right * BEEP *. And her voice is like * BEEP BEEP *.
She look's like a * BONG *. Her commanding ability is next to * SPLING *.
You know Doctor Who?
Sisko [smiles] : Yeah you got the Doc, and Cyberdudes, and TARDIS and
stuff.
Kim : The daleks. * NAUGHTY WORD * is just like a dalek!
[A custard pie flies across the room and smashes into Kim's face to doubly ensure he gets no
good moment]
[Scene - Promenade with Kim and Sisko]
Kim : What's this?
Sisko : A parody.
Kim : No I mean this in my hand.
Sisko : It's an amusing anecdote.
Kim : Something funny that happened to me when I was doing a job?
Sisko : Is that what it is?
Kim : * OPPS! * [Pauses] I got to memorise all this?
Sisko : You *are* an actor. You normally memorises more than that. To do
this job you gotta be naturalistic, you gotta be naturalistic as...something that is
naturalistic. You have to be Marlon Brando.
Kim : Who?????
Sisko : Sorry - one of Trek's amusing nods to 20th century earth. Forget it.
Kim : I have to be a good actor? Oh great, I am in trouble mister!
Sisko : You have to know every detail! Whether some nasty low life scum has
sprayed "Klingons forever" all over the place or what.
Kim : Hmm...here goes. Now a while back there was a shortage of toilets.
[Scene - Cut to Kim's apartment with his teddy bears visible on the back wall and the
My Little Pony posters that decorate ceiling and floor as well as the Poochie bed set]
Kim : There was one on the Enterprise but no one knew where.
It was season six and, I don't know if you remember this, but it was meant
to be the last. I get this deal with this bald guy who knows where the
toilets are.
[ Scene - Kim is standing on a crate box in a cargo bay with Sisko watching the performance.
Kim isn't wearing casual clothing - still in uniform.]
Kim : Now I'm getting all these calls from these weird races in Trek
uniforms - When's the next time we can use the toilet. Mother I'm trying to
have fun reading techie manuals, y'know? I mean they're my friends and
everything but still!
[A custard pie flies out from nowhere and hits Kim. Remember - no good Kim moments.]
[Scene - Voyager diner. Janeway, Nice-as-a-Dead-Guy Neelix and Mr. Paris are sitting at the same
table as Kim, listening with bored faces to Kim's story]
Kim :So I get a lease to the only toilet and sell it out to only my close close friends. Deal
works like this with Picard - I get 10% of all toilet profits and my own free use. So
get this call to report to the toilet and go check it out.
Neelix : Why were you called to check it out?
Kim : I dunno. Anyway I enter the little bathroom and who should be there
but 4 Security Officers and a large tribble.
Neelix : What were they doing there?
Kim : How should I know?! Just four security officers hanging out in the
only men's room. So I start sweating major time. The officers are talking
about how they saved someone but one of their friends...err...Ensign No
Name#3...got killed in a fire fight. So I go about my business when the
tribble suddenly starts squealing.
Neelix : Why?
Kim : Oh yeah forgot that part - I'm doing a run in illegal Klingon blood
supplies as well. The four officers look over at me - staring at me. My
heart is beating like a drum. Beat beat - just like that drum that goes
beat beat. So I slowly dry my hands, all cool, and they ignore me. And I
walk out.
Janeway : You sure knew how to deal with that situation - just walk out.
You're fired. Oh okay - you're not. One more story like that and you will
be.
Kim [leaps up into the air, whacking his head off the boom mike]: Whoopie I am in! I can tell
Sisko and he can catch you all!
Janeway : Pardon?
Kim [sitting down] : Nothing, mummy.
[Scene - Kim's quarters. Phone rings]
Neelix : Are you ready to go? We're waiting outside.
Kim : Yes Daddy. I mean - yeah I am.
Neelix : See you outside.
[Kim walks around a bit. Then he puts on his fake Fleet uniform. He pauses
at his door - which sense he is not ready and does not open - and then
returns to the table where he pulls out a Barbie pink ring which he places
on his finger, symbolising he is married to his sad life. He then pauses in
front of the mirror].
Kim : You're going to be okay 'cause you're....no berretta. And as for cool?
HA! Don't make me laugh. You cool? As if! Oh * BEEP * I'm in trouble amn't I!!!
[Goes outside.]
[Scene - A stretch of corridor. From the end of the corridor two security officers observe
our Kim meeting his new friends]
1st Officer : Swear that guy has to have rocks the size of * INSERT CUTE ASTEROID NAME * to work
undercover.
[Scene - Mr. Paris, Doc, Kim and Nice-as-a-Dead-Guy-Neelix are walking down a stretch of
corridor talking]
Doc : Now I'm telling you this - what a human woman would put up with, a Klingon woman wouldn't
put up with for a second. They got a line, and if you cross it you die.
Neelix : Not these Klingons I know.
Doc : Those too.
Neelix : Uh-Uh. No way. Here let me tell you a story about one of the
Captain's holo programmes. There was this girl she looked like Nurse Chapel
out of the original series, what was her name?
Doc : Majel Barrett?
Kim : No Barrett played her in the movie.
Paris : No she didn't. Barrett played her all the time. Remember she had
that phrase..[All chant] - Here's your report Captain!
Neelix : Anyway you guys are making me lose my thoughts here! Where was I?
Oh yeah she was in the holosuite programme. Now she had a husband, modelled
after someone from Melrose Place and he used to do things to do her.
Kim : Like what? What'd he do to her?
Neelix : I don't know!
Doc [whispering] : Not...*gasp*...copulation?
[All have massive in-take of breath]
Paris : That is a no-no on Star Trek! Evil, evil keep it away! Evil, nasty messy thing!
Neelix : So one day he's asleep and she gets super-glue and glues his
tricorder to his head!
Doc [muttering to himself] : Tricorder?!! Must've changed the script to
keep it in line with family values.
Paris : HA HA. That-is-so-funny.
Neelix : Imagine how you'd feel if everytime you wanted to scan something
you had to do a hand-stand!
[Scene - Briefing room with Mr. Tuvok, Mr. Kim, Doc, Mr. Paris, Unknown Security Guard and
Janeway. All are seated but for Janeway who is standing by a holo-display showing plans for
engineering]
Janeway : Alright you guys like to kid around, make jokes. Well I've got something for you -
guys sitting in a brig. What went wrong - it's his fault, it's your fault. Well I'll
tell you what went wrong! You were too busy making jokes while I was talking and did
not listen! I'm getting too old for this...
Doc [mutters] : You're telling me...
Paris [raising hand] : Err - like we weren't making jokes. Your voice is
too infuriating so it makes it hard to listen to. Why haven't you got an
operation on it? It's the 24th century woman! It's simple to do!
Janeway [coy] : I always thought my voice was rather sexy...
[All fall to the floor crying with laughter. After an hour they get up and
resume their seats]
Janeway : Here are your names - Mr. Tuvok, Mr. Paris, Doc, Unknown Security
Guard and Mr. Kim.
Kim : Why am I Mr. Kim?
Janeway : 'Cause you're a wus alright!
Kim : But MUMMY! I wanna be Mr. Crusher! I mean why can't we pick our own
names?
Janeway : No way, no way. Tried that once before - you got all guys wanting
to be Mr. Kirk. But none of them know each other so none will back down.
Unknown Security Guard : Yeah but isn't my name a little too close to
Mr.-You-Are-Dead-And-You-Know-It?
Kim : Mr.Crusher! Why can't I be Mr. Crusher? That's okay, I'll be Mr. Wesley Crusher!
Janeway : You're not Mr.Crusher - some dweeb on some other mission is Mr.
Crusher - you're Mr. Kim!
Paris : Who cares what your name is?
Kim : Yeah that's easy for you to say - you have an okay sounding name. I
mean if it's alright with you I'll swap.
Paris : Yeah right you sad * BLEEP *.
Janeway : Let's go..ermm...let's y'know...go..and do whatever. Yeah.
[Scene - A corridor stretch outside engineering where Mr. Paris and Mr. Kim are talking]
Paris : There's the door. You remember everything?
Kim : What door is that?
Paris : Eh - the door to engineering. You know where we..
Kim : Haven't a clue what you're on about.
Paris : The place where the dilithium crystals are which we are going to steal?
Kim : You mean that plan Janeway was on about?
Paris : Yes
Kim : Ah sure I thought she was just having a laugh!
Paris : No Dougall she was not. So do you remember the plan - the plan that is real.
Kim : Yes. Mr Unknown Security Guard is on shuttle. Mr Tuvok deals with the
crowds. Doc does the doors. You and me to the whingate to watch the...I
mean you and me get the crystals.
Paris : What about that girl right over there?
Kim : G-i-r-l? Sitting beside me doing fun technical simulations.
Paris : Oh brother. If any of them give you trouble hit them with the butt
of the rifle. Knocks 'em right down and blood everywhere - which'll be
cleaned up of course for TV. No one else will try it then. Oh no it's Star
Trek. They might - look if the higher ranking ones give trouble you break
their fingers. I'm hungry - let's get Neelix food.
Kim : I'm not that hungry...
[Scene - Shuttle crashes. Paris and Kim jump out of it. Paris runs out to the
corridor with a plasma rifle held, amazingly, in each hand. Kim checks on
Unknown Security Guard who is lying, dazed, in the shuttle pilot seat.]
Unknown : I'm blind.
Kim : No you're not you've just got blood in your...no hold it a second.
Yes you are blind. Hey don't worry you're going to die any second now.
[Security officers run up. Paris blows them viciously away. He runs back to
Kim and herds them away. They run around the shuttle bay until they come
across someone flying a shuttle about, just above the ground. They stop it
with their rifles].
Paris : Get out of the shuttle! Get OUT!
Woman : Say 'please'.
Paris : Please, with sugar on the top, could you lend us your shuttle. Here is
my name - yes that's Mac as in M-a-c - so you can give me a buzz when you want
it.
Woman : Nope, can't give it to you.
Kim : GIVE US THE * BLEEPING * GUN YOU * BLEEPING * PIECE OF *BLEEP * OR, SO
HELP ME, I'LL BLOW YOUR * BLEEPING * * BLEEPING * HEAD OFF, YOU * BLEEP* *BLEEP*.
Paris : Steady on. And eh Kim we want her shuttle not her gun.
Kim : Ah yeah. Sorry I thought I sounded dramatic.
Paris : Nope. Look give us the shuttle woman!
Woman : Nope
[The woman reaches into her cute future handbag and removes a small laser thingie. She shoots
Kim with the small laser thingie. He falls back and shoots her and then begins to cry. Paris
runs around and drags him into the shuttle].
[Cut back to cargo bay. Enter - Neelix, Doc and Paris]
Neelix : What happened here?
Kim : Ah you see like Tuvok went mad and stuff. He was going to kill the
girl and like he didn't cause I like killed him. And he was going like to
kill you and stuff. And run off with the crystals.
Neelix [walks over to Kes] : You mean kill this girl?
[Fires a million times at Kes. Her body jerks all over the place]
Doc : Wasn't that your wife?
Neelix [sobbing] : Kes! Kes! Oh and I shot your pretty earphones! Oh look
still in the Walkman your little "Breathe in, Breath out" tape!
Doc : I'm sure this is a very touching moment.
Neelix : Anyway let me get this straight - Tuvok, a man who did nothing for
us, would suddenly, out of the blue, or black, decide to do this? That's
your story right, that's what you are saying?
Kim : Yes.
Neelix : Makes perfect sense to me.
[Door opens - Janeway walks in]
Janeway : This little * FUNNY ANIMAL INSERT * is working with Starfleet
Security!
Neelix : Which one?
Janeway : Oh Kim I mean. He tipped them off. He got Unknown Security Guard
killed!
Doc : Unknown Security Guard is dead?
Paris : Oh yeah, forgot to tell you. Dead as Kirk.
Doc : Eh yeah but he probably ain't dead. How do you know all this?
Janeway : I dunno. Just do.
Paris : I mean isn't it more likely to be Tuvok? He was the snitch in
'Caretaker'.
Janeway : This is more amusing! Now he dies [removes her plasma rifle]
Paris [removes his] : Don't shoot this man, or boy almost a man. You're making a mistake.
Neelix [removes his own rifle] : Have you lost your mind!!
Paris : Must've! I mean risking my life for Kim?!!! Anyway you shoot this
man Janeway you die next - repeat, you shoot this man you die next.
Neelix : You and I go back a long time Paris.
Paris : No we don't. We only met you in Season One.
Neelix : Okay I know you Paris and you and I have been friends for a long time -
Paris : No we haven't. We hated each others guts remember? You thought I
wanted that bimbo Kes.
Neelix : Don't you call my Kes a bimbo!
Paris : Yeah but she was.
Neelix : Yeah but I'm hardly much better am I!
Paris : There's some strange logic here...
Janeway [clearing throat making all the others' ears bleed] : Ahem! Guys...
Neelix : Ah yes - I swear I will put bullets through your head -
Paris : Not bullets. Plasma - bullets are way out of date.
Neelix : OKAY! Plasma then - I will kill you if you hurt my captain.
Paris : She's more my captain than yours. I mean you aren't really a proper crew.
Neelix : Hey at least I wasn't in a penal colony!
Paris : That was *so* below the belt! Anyway I blame Wes Crusher!
Neelix : Look the point is - Stop pointing that rifle at my captain!
[Janeway shoots Kim. Paris shoots Janeway dead. Neelix shoots Paris. Paris,
falling, shoots Neelix dead. There are a lot of groans. The doc gets up and
looks at the scene. He runs outside and comes face to face with security.
They tackle him and ask him questions like - "Did you shoot a security
officer?" And tell him to place his hands on the wall and stuff. Anyway
he's dragged away - oh and shot slightly but he's a hologram so it doesn't
actually hurt.]
Paris [drags himself up besides Kim] : Uhhh....
Kim : Argh...Mummy - I mean Paris...I'm a security officer!
Paris : Oh for crying out loud! Why didn't you say so before! I mean if you
told earlier I wouldn't have been shot nor would Janeway and Neelix. If you
kept your mouth shut I wouldn't have to kill you like I am now going to do.
Kim : I'll keep it in mind for next time!
[Security officers burst in]
Officer1 Drop the gun!
Officer2 : Ah go on you will drop it! You will! You will, you will, you
will, you will, you will
[Paris shoots Kim. An officer drops his gun and begins to applaud slowly. Then another officer
joins in. Suddenly everyone is applauding Paris. All the cast come back, the director,
producer and the whole crew join in. Outside the studios billions start cheering. Paris
is taken up on the shoulders of an ecstatic crowd, in 7th heaven, after Kim finally
being put to a violent rest. Then the script writer shakes his head, realises this
cannot be forever, and puts a halt to the party, restoring Paris back to his dying state
on the floor with the officers surrounding him].
Officer2 : Ah it seems I was wrong there.
Officer1: About what?
Officer2: Something I said - I forget after that long stuff in brackets. At any rate we have to
shoot Paris now.
[The officers shoot Paris. Paris flies backwards out of the picture])
CUE CREDITS!!
REFERENCES MADE TO : Star Trek - Voyager, The Next Generation, The Original Series, Deep Space
Nine. Doctor Who. Babylon 5. Father Ted. Patrick Kavanagh. Oasis. Reservoir Dogs. Pulp Fiction. |
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