Culture Shock - Spongebob Squarepants Transcripts
Written by Paul Tibbitt, Mark O’Hare and Mr. Lawrence
(no customers at the Krusty Krab as Mr Krabs is holding a FREE sign for the salad bar, Squidward is reading a ballet magazine, and Spongebob is wiping dust off tables)
Mr Krabs: I just don’t get it. If a free salad bar doesn’t bring in customers, what will?! (Squidward is dancing) Squidward!
Squidward: Yes, sir?
Mr Krabs: There’s gonna be some changes around here. (customer walks in. Mr Krabs gasps) A customer! Welcome to the Krusty Krab! (runs up to the customer with a chair and seats him. Brings him back to the table) Spongebob, cater to his every whim. And don’t screw this one up.
Spongebob: Aye aye sir! Welcome aboard, sir! Here at the Krusty Krab, (you) are the captain, and I, a mere cabin boy. You just say the word and I will throw myself in the brig! May I take your order?
Customer: All I wanted was change for the pay phone. (shows the dollar)
Spongebob: Aye aye sir! (runs off quickly and comes back with change) Monsieur’s changé.
Customer: Thanks. (laughs nervously and leaves a penny on the table) Here you go. (runs off as Mr Krabs smells the penny and jumps on it. Later, we are in Mr Krabs office with Squidward and Spongebob)
Mr Krabs: Now as you may have noticed, profits are way down this month. (pulls down a chart with zig-zag linges going down and his eyes sticking out on each side) We’ve got to think of a gimmick to bring in customers. (pulls the chart up) Do you lubbers have any ideas?
Spongebob: I’ve got one! (takes out a tray with a soda and a pair of socks on it) A free pair of socks with every purchase! Or maybe 'Double Patty Midnight Madness'! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I know! I know! I know! How about 'mouth full of clams' day! Everyone who shows up with a mouthful of clams... (talks with mouth full of clams) ...gets a free drink! Huh? Huh?
Mr Krabs: Well, uhh, I was thinking more along the lines of live entertainment. (Squidward gasps)
Squidward: That’s it, a floor show! Wait, a talent show! With your host me! (runs up to Mr Krabs with stars in his eyes) This is the moment I’ve...I mean, we’ve been dreaming of. Think of it, Mr Krabs, you will be responsible for bringing culture to this cultural wasteland we call Bikini Bottom! And not to mention, the money.
Mr Krabs: The money? (Squidward lying on the table)
Squidward: And I can see it now...your daughter Pearl, her name up in lights.
Mr Krabs: (Mr Krabs looks at his picture of him and Pearl) Little Pearly...a star?
Spongebob: Hoppin’ clams! A talent show! I’m talented! I’d better call my folks! (runs off as Squidward and Mr Krabs shake hands)
Mr Krabs: Squidward, you’ve got a deal. Make my little girl a star! (later, the restaurant is being redecorated for the show)
Spongebob: Hey Squidward, what time am I going on?
Squidward: Going on what?
Spongebob: The show! When am I going on the show? I have a great act!
Squidward: What talent could you possibly possess? (Spongebob blows a big bubble which turns into a hippo. Then blows two small bubbles for the hat and cane. Both dance)
Spongebob: Ta-da! (Squidward yawns)
Squidward: No one, not even your parents, would want to see that. (hippo bubble pops) What the people want is culture, not dancing bubbles.
Spongebob: Ok, I get it. Don’t worry, Squidward, I’m going to come up with the most cultured act ever!
Squidward: I can hardly wait. (Spongebob runs off) Phew. The only culture that guy has is in his tennis shoes. (laughs) Tennis shoes. I crack myself up. (now the night of the talent show where people are outside conducting interviews and people inside are talking and getting set-up)
Spongebob: (peeks out from behind the curtain) Wow! A full house! (gasps) There’s Mom and Dad! They are gonna be so proud! (Mr Krabs shakes Mr Squarepants hand)
Mr Krabs: Hello, I’m Mr Krabs, and I like money.
Spongebob: I gotta get ready! (Squidward gets everyones attention)
Squidward: Alright people, listen up. Gather around everyone, chop, chop. (performers gather around) Now, you may be thinking this is your one shot at the big time. Well, it’s not. It’s mine.
Spongebob: Hey, Squid! How about this for the show? (runs off and runs back with a tub full of water and the words 'Mister Absorbency' written on the front) The Amazing Mister Absorbency! (puts his finger in the water and absorbs it. Absorbs the water into his legs) Ta-da! (absorbs water into his head) Ta-da!
Squidward: No one is going to watch you engorge yourself. (grabs Squidward's legs)
Spongebob: Please, Squidward, let me be in the show! I’ll do anything! Anything! Anything!
Squidward: So you really want to be in the show?
Spongebob: Oh, yes!
Squidward: Ok, you get to mop up afterwards. (hands Spongebob a mop) Now will you stop bugging me? (walks off)
Spongebob: So, this is what it feels like...the big time! With this mop, I shape my destiny! (show starts and crowd applauds. Squidward comes out and gets the cue cards that are in his tuxedo)
Squidward: Good evening and welcome to the 1st annual Squidward Tentacles Talent Show. Sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty, because no one else would give it a home. (Patrick laughs) Thank you. Our next act is living proof that nepotism is alive and well. (Patrick laughs) Put your fins together for... (Patrick laughs) Put your... (Patrick laughs) Put... (Patrick laughs) Pearl. (crowd claps as curtain rises for Pearl, dressed in cheereleader uniform)
Mr Krabs: Hooray! My little girl is finally a star.
Pearl: Give me a K-R-U! (jumps up and down on the stage causing the crowd to fly up and down with her) Give me a S-T-Y! (jumps up and down again) Krusty Krab! (jumps up and down) Krusty Krab! (jumps up and down) Krusty Krab! (jumps up and down)
Mr Krabs: That’s what I call talent! (Krusty Krab floor is destroyed)
Pearl: Thank you! Thank you, thank you! (Squidward closes curtain and as he is lowering the rope, Spongebob is tied to it holding a mop and a bucket of water)
Spongebob: Hey Squidward, listen, what do you think? When I mop, should I go forward and back? No, no, side to side. (Squidward lets the rope go and sends Spongebob flying up. Then he walks back out on the stage)
Squidward: And now, poetry. (walks backstage but peeks his head through the curtain) By Gary. (curtain opens. Gary is on a stool)
Gary: Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.
Sandy: He had such a way with words.
Squidward: (checks his watch) Come on, come on, Ginsburg, if he doesn’t hurry it up, we’re not going to have time for the best act...me! (Spongebob walks up)
Spongebob: Squidward, should I use Mr Cleanser or Dr Clean?
Squidward: Yes. (audience applauds as curtain opens reveleaing Plankton in a magician costume and a sign that says 'The Amazing Plankton!!!')
Plankton: I, the amazing Plankton, with the use of prestidigitation... (turns his wand into flowers) …will make a Krabby Patty disappear before your very eyes. (throw the flowers aside) First, I’ll need a volunteer from the audience. (jumps onto a table and grabs the krabby patty from the customer. Runs toward the door but Mr Krabs stops Plankton)
Mr Krabs: Nice try. Your act’s over, bub. (grabs the patty)
Plankton: You may win this time. She-hah-kazeek! (he claps his hands and ignites into a puff of smoke. The smoke clears and he is completely charred) Well, this stinks. (he walks off and it booed. Krabs runs up to Squid backstage, leaving a trail of flames)
Mr Krabs: Squidward! This show is a disaster! You’re ruining me!
Squidward: Now, now, don’t you worry, Mr Krabs. I’ve saved the best for last, you’ll see.
Mr Krabs: For your sake, I hope you’re right. (bunch of spot lights gleam around Krusty Krab)
Squidward: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. We’ve saved the best for last. Put your hands together for the incomparable Squidward! ('Squidward Live' words blink in pink and green lights. Curtain opens and the background is a canyon. Squidward dances with birds. Then the lights go dark and music is techno as Squidward dances weird. Crowd boos and throws tomatoes at him)
Mr Krabs: I’m losing money on this deal! (puts a $1.00 sticker over the free sign on the salad bar)
Fish: It’s worth every penny. (eveyrone runs up to Mr Krabs with dollar bills in hand)
Squidward: You bottom feeders! You don’t even know talent!
Crowd: No talent! No talent! No talent! (curtain closes)
Spongebob: Hey Squidward, can I go on now?
Squidward: Yeah, show’s over! (crown continues booing as Spongebob walks out and mops up the tomatoes. Crowd gets interested in this and applauds at him)
Crowd: Hey, yeah. That's really not bad. I like that. Alright!
Squidward: They want an encore! (pushes Spongebob away) Stand aside, Spongebob! (Squidward jumps out and the crowd grows silent. He goes backstage and Spongebob comes back out and crowd cheers again. Squidward jumps out again and the crowd grows silent again. Squidward goes backstage and grabs Spongebob. Then shows the crowd Spongebob and they cheer. Puts his own head through the curtain and crowd goes silent. Spongebob's arm gets a cheer but Squidward's doesn't. Spongebob's leg is shown then curtain rises and Spongebob is mopping. Curtain closes then opens to reveal Squidward mopping and the crowd goes silent. Someone in the crowd throws a tomato and Spongebob sweeps it up as the crowd cheers. Mr & Mrs Squarepants bring Mr Krabs up in a wheelbarrow full of money)
Mr Krabs: You did it, Squidward! What a great show!
Mrs Squarepants: Oh, my son’s a star!
Mr Squarepants: Who ever knew he had such talent.
Mr Krabs: I’ll be needing another wheelbarrow for next week’s show! (crowd throws flowers at Spongebob)