Written by Paul Tibbitt and Mr. Lawrence
Spongebob: Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward.
Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward.
Squidward: All right, I’ll bite. What is it, Spongebob?
Spongebob: Do you know what today is?
Squidward: Annoy Squidward Day’?
Spongebob: (laughs) No silly! (gets out a calendar) That’s
on the 15th! (day is marked by a picture of Squidward’s head) Today
is the beginning of the judging for Employee of the Month.
Squidward: Spongebob, don’t you know that award is a scam?
Spongebob: What do you mean?
Squidward: Mr. Krabs gives you that award so you work harder for no extra
Spongebob: That is not true, Squidward. He gives it to me because I work
harder. You could win it too if you tried harder.
Squidward: Oh, for what? To have my face on the Wall of Shame? (shows
wall full of Spongebob pictures for being Employee of the Month)
Spongebob: Squidward, you’ve got it all wrong. Having pride in
your work is nothing to be ashamed of, why it’s the only thing that
all worth while.
Mr Krabs: Thattaboy, Spongebob! This is going to be a tough one though!
There’s no clear cut winner! (whispering) Watch out, Spongebob.
Squidward appears to be on the verge of a breakout. (shows Squidward reading
a magazine) There could be a new face on the wall this month.
Spongebob: Huh? (looks over and sees the month of “January” with
Squidward: That’s right, Spongebob. I might sneak up on you. (Squidward
and Mr Krabs laugh at Spongebob as he walks over to the wall and imagines
Squidward laughing at him in the picture)
Spongebob: No! (begins to cry) How could I have let the quality
of my work slip so much! (Squidward picture continues to laugh. Scene
goes to Spongebob grilling and flipping patties until he comes to a patty
that won’t flip and he tries and tries then he flips the patty on the
ceiling and tries to get it off of there and Squidward peeks in)
Squidward: Need some help? (Spongebob screams) What are you doing?
Spongebob: Making...Krabby Patties?
Squidward: You’re losing it! Don’t you know that award is
a load of...
(Spongebob gets the patty off the ceiling but he flings it into the fan
and it sprays Squidward with all the meat)...garbage.
Spongebob: (jumps off of ceiling) Please don’t tell Mr.
Krabs about this! It’ll hurt my chances of winning the award!
Squidward: I already told you, that award is a bunch of... (sprayed
with meat again)...baloney!
Spongebob: That is not true, Squidward. Like this hat, that award is
a symbol of...
Squidward: (grabs Spongebob’s hat) It’s a symbol that
you’re a chump! (Spongebob screams)
Spongebob: No, Squidward!
Squidward: And this is a symbol of what I think of the ‘Employee
of the Month’ award! (Squidward lifts his foot and tries to stomp
the hat flat but his foot hits something that is under the hat and Spongebob
reveals the stick of lead under it)
Spongebob: An experienced employee of the month always keeps a brick
of lead in his hat.
Squidward: I’m telling you for the last time, that award is nothing
but a joke! (Squidward walks away but is sprayed with meat for the last
time. Then we see Spongebob looking at all his award photos)
Spongebob: What if Squidward’s right? What if the award is a phony?
Does this mean my whole body of work is meaningless! (every award photo
now has an army hat on)
Spongebob Picture: Stop that kind of talk, sailor! This is war now, private!
That’s exactly what he wants you to think! This is no time to go lily-livered
Spongebob: But, sir…
Spongebob Picture: There’s no room for buts in war, soldier! He
wants you to crack! He’s trying to trick you, get inside your mind!
You will stop at nothing, and I mean nothing to defeat him! Have I made myself
Spongebob: Crystal, sir!
Spongebob Picture: Good! Now move out! (Spongebob marches away and
then we see Spongebob looking through his windows through binoculars while
Squidward gets ready for bed)
Spongebob: I won’t let Squidward win! (Squidward sets his alarm
and walks off) He can’t go to work if he doesn’t wake up.
Target sited. (Squidward sneaks up to Squidward’s house by sliding
on the ground then through one of Squidward’s windows and as he enters
he falls to the ground and Squidward’s hears the noise while he is
brushing his teeth. Squidward goes to check what it is and Spongebob is standing
behind the plant by the door. Squidward closes the door and Spongebob slides
around the door and then by Squidward’s bed where the alarm clock is.
He is about to grab it when he hears the door handle jiggle so he hides in
the pillow on the bed. Squidward gets into bed and isn’t comfortable
with the pillow as it is so he adjusts it. Tries to adjust it again and you
can hear Spongebob’s giggling. Squidward lays his head down and Spongebob’s
hand reaches out for the clock and Squidward see it. Squidward freaks out
and throws the pillow again the wall. The cover comes down and you can see
Squidward: Spongebob? What are you doing here? (Spongebob grabs alarm
Spongebob: You can’t win that award if you don’t get up for
work! (Spongebob destroys the clock. Squidward has another one he is setting
while he is laughing. Spongebob grabs that one and destroys it while Squidward
opens up a closet full of alarm clocks with Spongebob destroying some of
them one by one)
Squidward: Stop it Spongebob! If I really wanted that award, I could
win it with my tentacles tied!
Spongebob: That can be arranged.
Squidward: You’re a lunatic, Spongebob!
Spongebob: Maybe so, but I’ve won ‘Employee of the Month’ 26
times in a row.
Squidward: Are you trying to say that you are better than me?
Spongebob: I’ve been better than you 26 months in a row and it’ll
be 27 tomorrow.
Squidward: All right, that’s it, square-for-brains! That’s
it! I’m going to show you how easy it is to win that award. I’m
going to be the next ‘Employee of the Month’! I will prove to
you that I am far more
competent than you!
Spongebob: Well, I’m going in early to wax the floors!
Squidward: Don’t bother; I’ll have done it already by the
time you get there!
Spongebob: Well, you’ll have to get there pretty early to beat
Squidward: I don’t need to sleep! Loser!
Spongebob: Well, me neither! …26-time loser! (Spongebob and
Squidward are watching each other through their window) Look at him.
Squidward: I’m watching you, Spongebob. You’re not leaving
Spongebob: Hey Squidward, getting sleepy huh?
Squidward: No, how about you?
Spongebob: Nope! (Squidward gets out his clarinet and plays “Go
To Sleep” lullaby and puts Spongebob to sleep. Squidward tries to walk
out but falls in a very deep square hole dug up by Spongebob right in front
of his door)
Squidward: Spongebob! (Spongebob comes up with a shovel in his hand)
Spongebob: Hey Squidward! Going somewhere!
Squidward: I’m going to wring you dry when I get out of here! Now
get me out of here!
Spongebob: All right, Squidward, I’ll stop by after work! [Squid
screams some more. Sponge walks back to bed] Now to get some rest. Don’t
want to look tired for my ‘Employee of the Month’ photo! (Spongebob
goes to his bed and sleeps a while till Squidward gets out the hole) Squidward! (Squidward
is nailing boards onto Spongebob’s front door. Spongebob saws around
it and pushes the door on Squidward and runs away. A cage drops enclosing
Spongebob and Squidward laughs. Spongebob slides out because he can fit through
Squidward: Spongebob! Why you little…! (Spongebob writes “loser.” on
the bottle and runs away. Later he sees a krabby patty)
Spongebob: Ha ha ha ha ha. Hmmm, a Krabby Patty! (smells it but the
top bun opens up and a claw comes out grabbing Spongebob’s nose) Aah!
Squidward: So long, sponge loser! (Squidward gets caught in a net
and Spongebob runs by laughing. Spongebob runs through a barbed-wire fence
and Squidward runs by laughing. Squidward is tied by his tentacles and Spongebob
runs by laughing. Spongebob is stuck in a brick wall and Squidward runs by
laughing. Later the two are trying to drag along some big items. Spongebob
is dragging an anchor and Squidward is dragging a flaming boat) Spongebob?
Truce? (both wave a white flag)
Squidward: Spongebob, I can’t take it anymore. If we keep this
up, neither of us will win the award!
Spongebob: You’re right. We should save our energy for work where
we really need it. (its now dawn)
Squidward: Ok, let’s have a good clean fight.
Spongebob: And may the better man win. (shakes hands with Squidward) He’s
nothing but a lying, boneless, ink-squirting, big-nosed phony!
Squidward: Look at that buck-toothed, corn-fed smile. You can’t
trust him as far as you can throw him.
Spongebob: As soon as he stops shaking my hand...
Squidward: ...I’m gonna make a run for it. (Spongebob and Squidward
stop shaking hands, laugh nervously, and run for the Krusty Krab where Mr
Krabs is opening it up)
Mr Krabs: Money, money, gonna make some money! (sees Spongebob and
Squidward come running over) Ah, it warms me wallet to see me employees
coming in so early. Boys, you’re early! (Mr Krabs realizes that
they aren’t stopping for anything) Wait! (both push Mr Krabs
out of the way and start doing nice stuff)
Spongebob: Look, Mr Krabs! Clean floors!
Squidward: Clean tables, Mr Krabs! (Squidward presses too hard on
the table while he is cleaning and breaks it in half)
Spongebob: Clean dishes, Mr Krabs!
Mr Krabs: What’s going on here? (Spongebob drops and breaks
the dishes and mops them just like that)
Spongebob: It’s much more efficient to clean dishes this way, Mr
Mr Krabs: No!
Squidward: Flowers and chocolate for you, Mr Krabs?
Spongebob: Look, I’m putting my own money into the register, Mr.
Krabs! (Spongebob puts his money into the register)(Squidward and
Spongebob are in the kitchen) Two spatulas to increase productivity,
Mr Krabs! Faster, Spongebob, faster!
Squidward: There’s nothing to this patty flipping, Mr Krabs! I’ll
easily double your output, sponge-hog! (both make many patties to overflow
the Krusty Krab to where it explodes)
Citizen: Hey, free Krabby Patties! (While the
Krabby Patties fall from the sky, Mr Krabs head is broken
through one of Spongebob’s employee pictures)
Mr Krabs: Wait, you’ve got to pay for those! Wait, wait, wait! (Spongebob
and Squidward come through the picture frame that Mr Krabs is in and asks
his who is the winner and Mr Krabs is still arguing about the Krabby Patties)