Written by Paul Tibbitt, Ennio Torresan, Jr.,
and Mr. Lawrence
Spongebob: (in his dream, krabby patties are falling
from the sky) It’s raining krabby patties! Yeah! (runs
around eating patties. Dream ends with Spongebob chewing
on his pillow then spitting it out. Stomach growls) A
quick midnight snack and then it’s back to bed. (kicks
the pillow on the ground and jumps on it. Sees Gary meowing
in his sleep) Aww, sleep tight, my little angel. (tip-toes
past Gary and down the stairs to the fridge) Ah, here
it is. (grabs 'sea-nut butter' out of the fridge and
walks to the counter where there is food and utensils lying
on it) Nothing like a sea-nut butter and jellyfish
jelly sandwich to get you to sleep. (as soon as Spongebob
takes a bite of the sandwich, he is out cold. In the morning,
his whole house is frozen because he left the fridge open.
Spongebob wakes up shivering) The fridge! (slides
over and closes the door then sits down trying to get warm.
Tries to stand up but he slips and slides everywhere inside
the house stopping on his bed. Pulls the frozen covers
over him but the blanket breaks into pieces)
Gary: (wearing a hat and ear muffs) Meow.
Spongebob: (slides into the bathroom) Oh, Gary, I don’t
feel like myself.
Spongebob: Don’t be silly, Gary. I don’t get colds. I get
Spongebob: No, Gary. If I had the suds, I’d have bubbles coming
out of me. (when he sneezes, pink bubbles come out)
Spongebob: I can’t get the suds, ‘cause then I’d have
to miss work! (puts his underwear over his mouth & nose then sneezes.
Pink bubbles come out again)
Spongebob: No, Gary. I like wearing my underwear like this. (turns
around and has one bubble representing a butt cheek. Each one pops)
Spongebob: I’m not sick. I’m going to work. (at Krusty
Krab, Spongebob is cooking but sneezing at the same time)
Mr Krabs: Spongebob, what’s holding up those patties? (Spongebob
turns around looking pale)
Spongebob: Right away, sir.
Mr Krabs: Spongebob, what’s wrong with you? You’re paler
than a baby sea horse.
Mr Krabs: The suds?
Spongebob: (holds up the krabby patty on a plate) Here’s
that patty you wanted, Mr Krabs, sir. (when he sneezes, the krabby patty
splatters all over Mr Krabs head)
Mr Krabs: (wipes off patty off his face) Alright, Spongebob, you’re
too sick to work.
Spongebob: No, Mr Krabs, I’m ok, honest. (Mr Krabs opens the
Mr Krabs: No, now go home and get some rest. (Spongebob walks off) Nothing
personal, lad. I just can’t have you sneezing all over my food! (customers
hear what Mr Krabs just said and all spit out their food and run out of the
Krusty Krab)> No, wait! Wait!
Spongebob: Oh, Gary, I feel horrible. (sneezes. Gary hides in his
shell with pink bubble all over his shell) Oh, who am I kidding? I’ve
got the suds, no doubt about it. (after he sneezes again, his right eye
rolls down his face) I’d better take care of this before it gets
out of hand. (picks up the phone and dials Sandy's number)
Sandy: (running on her wheel) Hello?
Spongebob: Sandy, I’m sick. (puts his eye back into place) Can
you escort me to the doctor’s?
Sandy: Oh, sure, Spongebob. I’ll be there faster than a barefoot
jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August in...
Spongebob: Yeah, ok, Sandy, thanks. (sneezes pink bubble through Sandy's
phone. Later, as Spongebob is getting dressed for the doctor, the doorbell
rings)he sneezes and bubbles shoot out through the phone. Cut to later.
Sponge is in a ski hat and jacket and scarf. The doorbell rings) Coming. (opens
Patrick: Hey, Spongebob. Going skiing?
Spongebob: I’m sick, Patrick. I’m going to the doctor.
Patrick: What? Oh, you can’t go!
Spongebob: Why not, Patrick?
Patrick: I know a guy who knows a guy who went to the doctor once, and
the doctor’s office is a horrible, horrible place!
Spongebob: (sits in his chair) It can’t
be as horrible as the suds. (sneezes)
Patrick: Oh, it is, Spongebob! Well first, they make you sit in the
Spongebob: Is that the horrible part, Patrick?
Patrick: No, it gets worse. They make you read old magazines! (Spongebob
gasps. Patrick takes a piece of coral for a stethoscope) Then the doctor
pulls out his stethoscope.
Patrick: Yes! It’s a device so sinister, so icy cold when it touches
your bare flesh, it... (takes the end of the piece of coral and puts it
on Spongebob's chest. Spongebob jumps and runs around)
Spongebob: No, no! No stethoscope, no doctor, no old magazines, no hiss!
No! (flips over on the floor) Patrick, I don’t want to go to
Patrick: Exactly. (Spongebob sneezes. A pink bubble is in the place
where Patrick's nose should be thenh pops)
Spongebob: You gotta help me get better, Patrick. Please? Would you like
to be my doctor, Patrick?
Patrick: What else are friends for? (later, Spongebob is sitting on
the table in his kitchen. Patrick is standing behind him. Spongebob sneezes) It
appears as though we’ll have to plug up these holes. This oughta do
the trick. (pushes a small cork in one of Spongebob's holes. Then plugs
up the rest of the holes with more corks) Voila! (Spongebob sneezes
but no bubble come out) Feel better?
Spongebob: I don’t know. (when he sneezes more and more he enlarges
Patrick: Help, I’m shrinking! (Spongebob breaks the table) No!
Please don’t hurt me!
Spongebob: No bubbles! Patrick, your treatment is working!
Patrick: You think so?
Spongebob: Sure! At this rate, I’ll be cured in no time. In fact,
I’m going to call Sandy and tell her not to come. Thanks, Dr Patrick!
Patrick: And they said I’d never make anything out of myself.
Spongebob: (can't dial phone due to large fingers) My fingers
are too big for the buttons. Dr Patrick, will you call Sandy for me? (gives
Patrick the phone)
Patrick: Sure, patient Spongebob. (Patrick calls Sandy, who is about
to head out for Spongebob's place) Hello, Sandy?
Sandy: Hiya, Patrick.
Patrick: I’m calling on behalf of my patient, Spongebob.
Sandy: I’m on my way over to take him to the hospital.
Patrick: Uhh, uhh, that will no longer be required. He is in my care
as of today.
Sandy: Well, I’m coming over to take a look. I’ll be over
there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot...
Patrick: Oh yeah, yeah, the rabbit. Don’t bother, Sandy! (hangs
up) Oh, Spongebob, quick, Sandy’s coming! We’ve got to make
sure you’re well, or she’ll take you to the doctor! (runs
into the kitchen with rubber gloves on and dips them into the sink of water) Don’t
touch me, I’m sterile! Scalpel, please. (takes some sea-nut butter
and spreads it on Spongebob's right foot. Then puts a piece of bread on each
side and his shoe on it) Feeling better?
Spongebob: Uh-uh. (later, a string is attached to a door that Patrick
closes. A tooth shoots out from the side)
Patrick: Feeling better yet?
Spongebob: (missing a tooth) Not really.
Patrick: (jumping on Spongebob in a ballet outfit) How...about...now?
Spongebob: I don’t...think so. (Patrick puts a big band-aid
on Spongebob's back)
Patrick: Feeling better?
Spongebob: No. (Patrick rips the band-aid off and puts it somewhere
else on Spongebob's back)
Patrick: How about now?
Spongebob: Nope. (Patrick rips the band-aid off and puts it somewhere
else on Spongebob's back)
Patrick: How about now?
Spongebob: Uh-uh. (Patrick rips the band-aid off. Later, Sandy arrives
outside Spongebob's house)
Sandy: Hello, Spongebob?
Patrick: (black mask on his head) Uh-oh, it’s Sandy. (Spongebob
is tied onto a medieval machine. He sneezes and enlarges himself into a ball.
Sandy knocks on the door) There’s no one home. Sandy: Patrick,
you open this door. (Patrick is rolling Spongebob away) Patrick, sometimes
I just don’t understand you. (Spongebob sneezes) Hey! (walks
over to Patrick's house) Ok, Patrick, where’s Spongebob?
Patrick: Uhh, uhh, he’s not here at the moment. Please leave a
message after the beep. Beep.
Sandy: Ok, now tell me, (shows two rocks) since when do you have
Patrick: Since I ran out of space to put my stuff.
Sandy: Uh-huh. Yeah. Since when do houses have feet? (Spongebob's
feet are sticking out of the other rock)
Patrick: This is my mobile home. (Spongebob sneezes the rock off)
Spongebob: Hiya, Sandy.
Patrick: (holding Spongebob's hand) Hmmm, the dirt therapy seems
to be working just fine.
Sandy: Patrick, Spongebob has to see a real doctor.
Patrick: No he doesn’t! I’m taking good care of him! Show
her, Spongebob! Say 'ahh'.
Spongebob: Ahh... (a green substance-like gas spreadsouts all over
killing the plants, clams, and everything in its path)
Sandy: See? He’s even worse than I thought.
Patrick: (clothespin on his nose) What do you mean? He’s
fine. (Sandy takes the clothespin off of his nose)
Spongebob: I’m ok, Sandy, really. (sneezes again, enlarging
Sandy: I’m taking you to the doctor right now. (rolls Spongebob
Patrick: Hey, that’s my patient! (runs over and pushes Spongebob
the opposite way) You can’t take him to the doctor’s.
Sandy: (rolling Spongebob the other way again) Don’t be
Patrick: (carrying Spongebob the other way) He’s mine! (Sandy
is log rolling Spongebob the opposite way)
Sandy: Spongebob, you’ll be better soon. (Patrick is using a
wheelbarrow for Spongebob)
Patrick: I’ll save you! (Sandy is using Spongebob as a basketball)
Spongebob: I’m b-b-b-better, guys! Really! (both push Spongebob
he squeezes through them into the air)
Sandy: Now look what you’ve done, Patrick!
Patrick: What I’ve done? Everything was fine until you showed up.
Sandy: You should be arrested for impersonating a doctor.
Patrick: Hey, I’m a good doctor, right, Spongebob? Spongebob? (Spongebob
Spongebob: Guys, I can’t stop! (rolling down a hill, screaming) Help
me! (Mr Krabs is shining up some money)
Mr Krabs: Shiny dimes.
Spongebob: Mr Krabs!
Mr Krabs: Spongebob? (runs out the front doors) Stop! Spongebob!
Stop! (Spongebob stops in front of restaurant) Ooh. (Spongebob
sneezes so hard, the pink bubbles destroy the Krusty Krab. Mr Krabs takes
Spongebob to the doctor)
Doctor: Well, Mr Squarepants, it seems you have the suds. Are you ready
for your treatment?
Spongebob: You’re not going to make me read old magazines, are
Doctor: No, silly, you get the sponge treatment. Oh, Hans? (a real
hand comes through the door and takes Spongebob out of the room. Shows the
hand cleaning Spongebob with soap) Whoo! (Hans is using real Spongebob
to rub a man's back in the shower) This tickles! (Hans uses real Spongebob
to scrub a man's feet. Spongebob sniffs) I can smell again! (real
Spongebob being used to wash a plate and a car) Whoo! Yeah! Yeah-eah!
Whoo! (Spongebob being rinsed off in the sink and put back in the doctor's
Spongebob: I feel as good as new! I love the doctor!
Hans: Here is your lollipop. (hands Spongebob a big lollipop. Sandy
winks at Spongebob)
Patrick: A lollipop? (takes a bubble wand and blows a bubble) Hey,
doc, I got the suds, too.
Doctor: Oh, yes, Dr. Patrick, we have a special treatment for you.
Patrick: (Patrick gets taken away by Hans. He's being washed in the
sink with soap) Hey, wait. (used on a cactus) Ouch! Well, that
hurts. (being used to scrub a toilet) Wait, this doesn't seem right!