The Chaperone - Spongebob Squarepants Transcripts
Written by Sherm Cohen, Aaron Springer and Peter Burns
(at the krusty krab where Spongebob is sniffing a krabby patty then squirts a mustard "check" on the patty and puts inon the bun. Just then Spongebob hears Pearl come in and crying. Spongebob gets a pan and puts it on top of his head for protection of the tears)
Mr Krabs: Don’t cry, love. Daddy’s going to make it all right. Calm down, girl! (a wave of water from the tears busts the door down but Spongebob pushes the door back up for a couple seconds then the water comes breaking through the door and wiping out all the customers dropping them to the floor. Spongebob walks up to Mr Krabs with part of a table around his face)
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, what’s wrong with Pearl?
Mr Krabs: Her scurvy prom date stood her, boy and now she can’t seem to find another.
Pearl: That’s because there’s only one fish in the sea that's long, tan and handsome as he is. And that’s him!
Mr Krabs: No, no baby, no more crying. We'll get you a date. Why, uhh...I’ll take you! (Pearl begins to cry) What about Squidward? (Squidward is filing his tentacles. Pearl crys even harder) Wait, wait...here, take Spongebob!
Pearl: Ahh, the fry cook? Do you know what that would do to my complexion? People would mistake me for a planetarium?
Mr Krabs: What do you mean?
Pearl: I don’t know. But I can’t take him, daddy! They’ll kick me off the most frequently pictured in the yearbook committee.
Mr Krabs: Yeah, they would. We’ve got to find someone else. Listen up! Which one of you lucky lubbers wants to take me lovely daughter Pearl to the prom? (everyone runs away)
Pearl: Just don’t be late, Spongebob. (walks off)
Mr Krabs: Now listen boy, I’m-a counting on you to make this a very special night for a very special girl. Remember, you’re doing it for good old Mr... (real Spongebob walks up behind him)
Spongebob: Oh hi, Mr. Krabs! Are you talking to that dummy I made? It’s pretty realistic isn’t it? (holds up the left arm) I made this part out of...
Mr Krabs: Never mind that, boy! You’re taking Pearl to her prom!
Spongebob: Really? Oh, wow! Don’t worry Mr Krabs, I am a prom expert! (now at home) Oh Gary, I’m a prom failure. I couldn’t even get a date for my own junior prom.
Spongebob: No, that was Patrick who brought his mom. Besides, how am I supposed to compare with Pearl’s old boyfriend, Mr Long, Tan and Handsome?
Spongebob: What is it Gary? What do you have? (Gary hides in his shell while Spongebob takes out a magazine from Gary's shell. Magazine is 'Long Tan and Handsome') Hey Gary, this magazine gives me an idea! (Spongebob cuts through some black fabric then sews it up. Then he takes a shower and plucks his eyebrows to put in some new ones. Then he plants some seeds into the tuxedo and waters it to grow a pink flower. Now, he ties his shoes which are on stilts) Long. (pops out of a toaster as some bread) Tan. (licks his two front teeth that are braced up) Handsome. Ok Gary, wait till Pearl gets an eyeful of this! (Gary hides in his shell. Later, Spongebob's limo drives up to Mr Krabs house. Spongebob rings the door bell and Mr Krabs opens the door)
Mr Krabs: Hello? (Spongebob lowers himself by some sort of crank) What do you think Pearl? Cleans up pretty well, doesn’t he?
Pearl: (wearing a pink dress) Well, at last no one will recognize you. Now listen, Spongebob, I just want to get through this with my social status intact. (Spongebob writes down a list of what Pearl wants to do on a notepad) I want to go to the prom, get my picture taken, and I want to dance...(Spongebob has a big list now) ...I want to drink punch with my friends and don’t do that other thing you’re always doing...
Spongebob: Uhh, Pearl, we’ve got to get back to the limo.
Pearl: (claps) A limo! Why didn’t you say so? (Pearl grabs Spongebob and drags him out of the house) I love limousines!
Mr Krabs: Go easy on him, lassie! I can’t afford to break in a new fry cook! (laughs and closes the door. Now at the prom where the limo is driving up but the back wheels are flat so its screeching on the road.)
Spongebob: (checks his list) Well, I guess the first thing we should do is... (flash goes off where the pictures are being held)
Pearl: Yay! My first prom picture!
Spongebob: Uh-uh-uh...(our) first prom picture. (Pearl sprays him with something that deflates his arm)
Pearl: Let’s get this over with. (Spongebob is having trouble getting over to the photo-shoot) Come on, Spongebob!
Spongebob: Be right there.
Pearl: Will you hurry up?
Spongebob: Just a second. (Spongebob messes up his footing and jumps everywhere and apologizes to everyone but eventually gets to the photo-shoot. He holds onto the curtain to keep his balance.) Cheese! (curtain collapses on them and the photo is taken) That’ll be a keeper.
Friend: Hey look, it’s Pearl! Hi Pearl!
Pearl: Spongebob, here come my friends. Uhh, go get me some punch!
Spongebob: Prom expert; away! (jumps away as Pearl's friends walk up to her)
Friend: Hi, Pearl!
Pearl: Hi girls.
Friend: I’d like you to meet Billy Fishkins!
Friend #2: And you know Brian Flounder from math class.
Pearl: Hi Brian.
Friend: So, like, where's your date Pearl? We’re all dying to meet him.
Pearl: He’s over at the punch bowl getting me some punch. (friend looks for Spongebob)
Friend: Ohh, is he the really tall one?
Pearl: Oh yes! (notices what Spongebob is doing) I mean...oh no. (Spongebob is trying to reach for the spoon to get some punch but can't reach because he is too tall. He misplaces his footing and gets the punch all over him. Pearl pushes her friends away) Oh, quick, let’s go see how ugly Cindy’s dress is! (Spongebob hands two glasses of punch to some people) Spongebob, what are you doing? (Spongebob has red skin now from the punch. He squeezes some juice from his nose and into the glass)
Spongebob: Hi Pearl! Come on, it won’t bite!
Pearl: You look ridiculous. (gasps)
Spongebob: What is it? (Pearl pushes him under the table)
Pearl: Stay down, he’ll see us! It’s my ex-boyfriend, Octavious Rex, a.k.a. long, tan and handsome.
Spongebob: Woah. But, I bet he isn’t holder of the Regional Romance Dance Championship trophy! (holds it up but another guy takes it away because it's his)
Anchovy: Give me that back.
Spongebob: (giggles) That just didn’t happen. Let’s go! (takes Pearl to the dance floor) Ready? (dances like crazy)
Pearl: Spongebob, what are you doing? Can’t you see everybody here is doing ‘the whack’? (the couples are jumping at each other with their chestswe see couples jumping up and hitting each other)
Spongebob: The Whack? Oh, yeah, I invented that one. (tries to jump)
Pearl: Are you sure you can do this? (Spongebob jumps at Pearl but they hit another couple and send them flying through the food table. One of the people crash through a fruit painting. Painter jumps into a trash can which makes everyone else go crazy) Well, I guess you can take me home now, now that you’ve ruined everything! (cries)
Spongebob: Don’t cry, the prom expert is here! I haven’t failed yet! (looks through the list he wrote down) Hey, we can still...no, I broke that. We could...no. Don’t cry! D-d-don’t cry. Whatever you do, don’t.... (went through entire list and cries. Runs off)
Friend: Wow, what did you do to him? Poor little guy... (Spongebob runs into the ladies bathroom. A couple girls run off screaming)
Pearl: (walks up outside the ladies restroom) Spongebob, are you ok? (Spongebob mumbles something) Don’t worry Spongebob, you didn’t mess everything up. (Spongebob mumbles something) Actually, it was pretty funny when that hot dog landed in Judy’s hair. (Spongebob mumbles something) But I am having a good time! You know, we haven’t finished our dance yet.
Spongebob: (mumbles) Can I still wear the wig?
Pearl: Yes, you can still wear the wig. (Spongebob runs out and grabs Pearl to the dance floor)
Spongebob: Let’s go! (records play "the sponge" as everyone watches Spongebob & Pearl dance to the song)
Singer: All right, you invertebrates, I’m gonna teach you how to do 'The Sponge'! (sings) Well, first you take your leg and you stick it in the air. And then you take the other one and jam it right up there. You twist yourself around and give a great big lunge. Now you’re doing the sponge. (as the record keeps singing, other people try the sponge but end up breaking something on their body)
Pearl: (Octavious Rex walks up to Pearl) Get lost, pizza topping! Can’t you see I’m doing the Sponge? (people are still breaking stuff as the paramedics run out carrying people out on their stretcher. Meanwhile, Spongebob and Pearl are still dancing. Pearl takes Spongebob and wraps him into a basketball. Shoots and the word "score" lights up on the scoreboard. People are the prom pick up both Spongebob and Pearl and carry them over to the door)
Spongebob & Pearl: They love us! Yay, we’re popular! (both thrown out of the gym)
Anchovy: Go wreck somebody else’s prom, will ya? (goes back inside gym. Later, Spongebob & Pearl walking up to her house)
Spongebob: Gee whiz, Pearl. I’m sorry tonight didn’t go out like you planned.
Pearl: Oh, don’t worry Spongebob, I knew it would be a total disaster all along. But as long as disasters go, that was really fun. (Mr Krabs opens up the door)
Mr Krabs: A-ha! Keep away from me precious little flower! (Pearl gasps) You almost stepped on it. (rakes the flower in the ground. Spongebob froze in his spot)
Pearl: Oh, Daddy! Well goodnight, short, yellow and spongy. Spongebob? (shurgs her shoulders and walks back inside)
Mr Krabs: Good job, laddie. (winks at him and goes back inside. The real Spongebob appears from the side)
Spongebob: Ah, there you are, dummy! You sure come in handy! (laughs)