Written by Aaron Springer, Erik Wiese, and
(At Goo Lagoon where a toy bulldozer is taking down the "welcome
to goo lagoon" sign. Plankton jumps out of the bulldozer
and laughs evily. Then he puts two black & white road blocks
in front of him and takes out a megaphone)
Plankton: Attention, beachgoers! You are trespassing! You have exactly
seventeen minutes to haul your carcasses off the future site of the 'Chum
Bucket Mega Bucket'! (takes out a sign that says 'future site of the mega
bucket and plants it into the ground. The beachgoers can't hear anything
Woman: Do you hear something? (man sitting beside her shakes his head
while the lifeguard tries to listen through his bullhorn)
Plankton: (takes out megaphone) Ok, have it your way. I don’t
mind bulldozing over each and every one... (a kid comes over and picks
up the bulldozer)
Kid: Mommy, look! Somebody left this toy tractor here.
Kid's Mom: Put that thing down, Billy, it has germs on it. (kid drops
it and iut lands beside Plankton)
Billy: Ohh, mom.
Plankton: (talks through megaphone) You’ll see. (throws
away the megaphone) You’ll all see! The future site of the Chum
Bucket Mega Bucket must be clear to these cretinus beachgoers. But it’s
becoming increasingly obvious. I can deny it no longer! (zoom out) I
am small. I need someone big to clear the beach for me. I need... (giant
foot almost steps on Plankton but he dives out of the way)) Spongebob!
Spongebob: Steppin’ on the beach! Doo-doo-doo-doo! Steppin’ on
the beach! Doo-doo-doo-doo! Steppin’ on the beach! Doo-doo-doo-doo!
Steppin’ on the beach! Doo-doo-doo-doo!
Plankton: Yes. He’s the one. (laughs evily. The sand on his
head falls off)
Spongebob: I’ll have one... (some kid cuts in front of him)
Kid #2: Two please. (ice cream man gives him two ice creams) Thanks. (walks
Spongebob: One please. (a green eel slithers through Spongebob and
grabs the ice cream)
Eel: Excuse me. (walks off licking the ice cream)
Spongebob: One please.
Ice Cream Man: Sorry, kid. We’re all out.
Spongebob: Aww, barnacles. (he hears crying coming from Plankton,
who's sitting on a bench with two ice creams) Plankton, what are you
doing here? And why are you crying?
Plankton: Oh, hi, Spongebob. (blows his nose) I’m cryin’ because
I’ve got these two ice cream cones, but I only need one! (crys) I
don’t know what to do with the other one! (cries then stops and
looks at Spongebob and cries again)
Spongebob: I’ll eat one of those ice cream cones for ya.
Plankton: Spongebob! Would you do that for me?
Spongebob: Sure! (starts to lick the ice cream)
Plankton: Spongebob? (Spongebob is still licking the ice cream) Spongebob? (Spongebob
eats the whole ice cream and is now licking what's left inside. Plankton
uses his megaphone to get Spongebob's attention) Spongebob!!
Spongebob: (turns towards Plankton) Yeah? (spits out ice cream
as he talks)
Plankton: Isn’t it great to get the things you desire? Like that
ice cream cone, for instance. (Spongebob licks his fingers) You can
have anything you want with a little training. (Spongebob licks his fingers
Plankton: Yes. You just have to learn to be more assertive. And I can
show you how.
Spongebob: Assertive, huh?
Plankton: That’s right.
Spongebob: Anything I want. (licks his lips) Sounds great! (spits
more ice cream at Plankton when talking)
Plankton: Wonderful. (laughs evily then Spongebob joins in the laughing.
Then an adult fish sits on Spongebob) Spongebob, don’t let that
guy sit on you! Assertiveness lesson #1: tell him to get off!
Spongebob: Umm, excuse me, sir, you’re sitting on my body, which
is also my face.
Plankton: No, no, be assertive! (Spongebob puts his fingers in the
Spongebob: Beep beep! (Plankton smacks forehead)
Plankton: Not (in)sertive! (adult fish checks his watch then
walks away) Spongebob, you missed your chance! You’ve got to be
aggressive to get the things you want! You’re too soft!
Spongebob: But I’m a spo...
Plankton: Don’t say it! (Plankton spots the eel that took Spongebob's
ice cream) There’s the guy who took your ice cream. Don’t
you want it back?
Spongebob: Ice cream! (Plankton gets up and runs behind the eel)
Plankton: Listen, you! My friend’s got something to say! (the
eel turns around)
Eel: What, who said that? Was it you? (talking to Spongebob)
Plankton: Tell him off, Spongebob. Assert yourself!
Spongebob: That’s my ice cream cone!
Plankton: Great! Now let him have it!
Spongebob: You can have it.
Eel: Say, thanks! (walks off)
Plankton: No! (jumps inside Spongebob's mouth) I’ll show
ya how! Hey, pencil neck! (eel turns around) Yeah, you, slither over
here! (eel walks over to Spongebob) Surrender that ice cream cone
or every waking moment for you will become a swarming torrent of pain and
misery! (eel throws ice cream on Spongebob's face)
Spongebob: Hey, that guy was crying!
Plankton: Those were tears of joy! He was happy that you were assertive!
Plankton: You see how wonderful life can be, when you’re maniacal?
Spongebob: Uhh, I thought it was called assertive.
Spongebob: Well, if it got me this ice cream, I like it! (throws the
ice cream into his mouth, which lands on Plankton. later, Spongebob is using
a metal detector. It starts beeping really fast) I found something!
Fish: Uhh, excuse me, my metal detector broke. Can I use yours? (Spongebob
hands the equipment to him)
Plankton: Spongebob, this is your next lesson. Be aggressive! Tell that
guy to take a hike!
Spongebob: Do you want to take a hike with me?
Plankton: (angry) Now look what you’ve done! Tell that guy
to go fall in a ditch!
Spongebob: Hey, go check in that ditch! (points to the ditch beside
them. The fish jumps down in the ditch and finds a treasure chest)
Fish: Wow, buried treasure! Thanks!
Spongebob: Did you see that, Plankton? That guy found some buried treasure!
Plankton: Spongebob, you’ll never get it right! Tell that guy you
know karate and you’ll tie him in a knot if you don’t get your
metal detector back!
Spongebob: Hey! I’m gonna tie your shoe if you don’t give
Fish: But I’m wearing sandals!
Spongebob: Ok, never mind! (Plankton jumps off of Spongebob) It’s
alright, Plankton, he’s wearing sandals. What’s the matter?
Plankton: (putting things into a suitcase) Oh, nothing, Spongebob. (puts
on a black hat) I was just beginning to think that this was a waste of
Spongebob: No it’s not!
Plankton: Forget it! I guess you don’t have what it takes to
be a stand-up guy.
Spongebob: But what about airline food?
Spongebob: Airline food. My gosh, what is up with that stuff? Thank you,
good night! (rimshot) See, I can be a standup guy. See? (Plankton
throws his hat down)
Plankton: Spongebob, you’ll never get what you want! You’ll
always let people step all over you! You’re just like stairs!
Spongebob: Wait, Plankton, give me another chance!
Plankton: Ok, but this is your last chance! (points to people trying
to get a tan) Look at all those beach hogs soaking up your sunrays. Do
you have what it takes to get a tan?
Spongebob: Just watch me! (runs over and waves a blanket up and down
and builds up sand to make the beachgoers run away) Man, this thing is
Fred: My leg! (after everyone runs off, Spongebob is laying on his
back with a funnel acting as a sunlamp)
Plankton: Yes, my plan is beginning to work! They’re leaving the
beach! (Spongebob now has a tan and looks brown) Spongebob, that was
wonderful! Is that an all-over tan?
Spongebob: Well, not all of me.
Hot Dog Man: Hot dogs! (the two look over to see the octopus vendor
given six customers hot dogs with six of his tentacles) Hot dogs!
Plankton: Look at that huge line at the hot dog stand. Assert yourself
to the front!
Spongebob: I’ll do better than that! (sticks his tongue out
so far he grabs the hotdogs and eats them all. The hotdog stand closes down)
Plankton: Spongebob, that was genius! Look at all those kite flyers blocking
Plankton: Breaking your wind! (Spongebob uses one of his teeth to
boomerang it into cutting the strings off the kites)
Larry: Hey Spongebob, throw us the ball. (Larry and others are
playing volleyball but Spongebob pops the ball and screams like an elephant.
Everyone walks off)
Spongebob: Plankton, did you see that? I was a regular alpha-male! Plankton? (Plankton
is driving a crane) Plankton, all my asserting is driving everybody away!
Spongebob: You didn’t tell me everyone would leave.
Plankton: Oops. (pushes a button. A sign emerges from under the sand.
The sign says "Mega Bucket")
Spongebob: (gasps) Mega Bucket?! You used me...for land development!
That wasn’t nice!
Plankton: Haven’t you figured it out, Spongebob? Nice guys finish
last. Only aggressive people conquer the world! (laughs evilly)
Spongebob: Well, what about aggressively nice people?
Plankton: Huh? What are you doing? (Spongebob brings out the hot dogs
he ate earlier and puts them back where they belong. Then he puts the kites
back where they were) Wait, Spongebob! Stop! (a girl is crying because
she has sand on her ice cream. Spongebob takes it and wipes the sand off
with his eyebrows) Butterfly kisses. Can’t take it. It’s
too cute! It’s...it’s disgusted! (Scooter is crying at his
Spongebob: What happened? (points to surfboard)
Scooter: I hit a reef with my new board, dude!
Spongebob: No problem! (makes himself a surfboard)
Scooter: Whoa! (grabs the surfboard) Killer!
Plankton: Spongebob, stop! Before it’s too late! Your kindness
is bringing everybody back! Get back! (everyone comes back) Wait! (everyone
runs over Plankton. Scooter is surfing)
Scooter: Cowabunga! (Scooter comes back on land and everyone cheers
for him. Spongebob goes back to his normal shape) Thanks, dude! That
Spongebob: Gee, Plankton, I’m sorry about the Chum Bucket.
Plankton: Forget about that. I just can’t take so much kindness
in one sitting! (bunches up into a ball) Need hatred. (crawls away)
Spongebob: Volleyball, anyone? (everyone uses Spongebob as the ball) Service! (everytime
he is hit he says "ouch")