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Big Pink Loser - Spongebob Squarepants Transcripts

Written by Jay Lender, William Reiss, and Merriwether Williams

Narrator: Welcome to Bikini Bottom. Welcome where we found the finest specimens of undersea life. Aha. Well, here not. (Patrick is sleeping and when he wakes up there is a box in his mouth)
Patrick: An award? I never got an award before! Eeeee! Look rock, I got an award. (arrow on top of rock breaks) Jellyfish, I got an award. (jellyfish zap him) Island, I got an awar... (chokes for air) I gotta show Spongebob.
Spongebob: (building a house of cards looking like Gary) Hold still, Gary.
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: Almost done. (Patrick opens door and cards fall on the floor)
Patrick: Hey, Spongebob, guess what? I got an award.
Spongebob: That's great, Patrick. What's it for?
Patrick: See for yourself.
Spongebob: For Outstanding Achievement In Achievement: Spongebob Squarepants?
Patrick: Spongebob Squarepants? That's a funny way to spell my name.
Spongebob: Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake.
Patrick: But, it's shiny.
Spongebob: Yeah, but you know what else is shiny?
Patrick: Ice Cream!
Spongebob: Exactly!
Patrick: I can find it. Is it in here?
Spongebob: No, don't. That's my... (a bunch of awards pile out of spongebob's closet) ...award closet.
Patrick: I want an award. (starts to cry)
Spongebob: Aww, Patrick, don't cry.
Spongebob: You'll get an award one day.
Patrick: I'm never gonna get an award because I haven't done anything.
Spongebob: But you're Patrick...Star. You can do anything you want.
Patrick: That's east for you to say. You're Spongebob.
Spongebob: Patrick, if you wanna win an award, you have to do something.
Patrick: Hmmm...I wanna defeat the giant monkeymen and save the 9th dimension.
Spongebob: Me too, but that sounds a little hard. Why don't we start smaller?
Patrick: I wanna defeat the little monkeymen and save the 8th dimension.
Spongebob: Smaller. (shrinks)
Patrick: Doctor.
Spongebob: Smaller. (shrinks more)
Patrick: Firemen.
Spongebob: The smallest you can think of. (shrinks even more)
Patrick: A job at the Krusty Krab.
Spongebob: Yeah!! I do things at work all the time.
Patrick: Then let's go.
(At Krusty Krab)
Patrick: Boy, it sure was nice of Mr Krabs to give me a job.
Spongebob: And at 50 dollars an hour, too. When I started working here, I had to pay Mr Krabs 100 dollars an hour. Hey, Squidward, guess who just got a job?
Squidward: Guess who just quit? (puts his hat on Patrick's head)
Patrick: Do I get my award yet?
Spongebob: You have to work for it, remember?
Patrick: Tartar sauce. (Spongebob flipping patties)
Spongebob: Pick up order! (Patrick comes and eats the order)
Patrick: Do I get my award, now?
Spongebob: No, you have to take the tray to the customer.
Patrick: Ok. (tray gets to table but with no food. Patrick burps)
Spongebob: Almost. Try again and this time make sure the food gets to the table. (Patrick arrives with food on tray but then eats it as he sits down)
Patrick: Like that?
Spongebob: Nope.
Patrick: (spits out food at the customer as he talks) Barnacles!
Spongebob: Let's try something different.
Spongebob: All you have to do is answer the phone.
Patrick: Aye, aye, cap'n. (phone rings)
Guy On Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick. (phone rings)
Girl On Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick. (phone rings)
Guy On Phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick!! (puts phone down) I'm not a Krusty Krab.
Spongebob: Uhh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.
Patrick: Huh? Fishpaste!
Spongebob: It looks a little dusty around table 3. How about you sweep it out? (hands Patrick a broom)
Patrick: What's the point? I can't do anything right.
Spongebob: You'll do fine. (Patrick sweeps with the top instead of the bottom)
Customer: Hey pal, did you just blow in from stupid town?
Spongebob: Keep trying, Patrick.
Delivery Guy: I've got a load of awards for Spongebob Squarepants. (Patrick gets mad and sweeps harder)
Patrick: Why can't I do anything right? (bangs the bottom of the broom on the floor creating dust all over the Krusty Krab)
Spongebob: (pushing Patrick) Kitchen!
Patrick: I'm never going to get an award, now.
Spongebob: Don't give up, Patrick. This time I've got something I know you can do. We're gonna open a jar. (gets a jar and opens the lid) Easy. Now you try. First get a jar. (Patrick gets out a pickle) Patrick, that's a pickle.
Patrick: Yes.
Spongebob: You need a jar. (picks a spatula) No. (picks his pants) No. (picks up Spongebob) No. Try...this! (gives Patrick a jar) Now take the lid off the jar. (puts the lid in his mouth) Just relax. Lift your hand. Great! We're almost there. Now put it on the lid. (puts hand on counter) No the lid. (Patrick tries for the lid over and over as Spongebob keeps telling him "the lid". Few seconds later, Patrick is almost there) Freeze!! (hand is on the side of the jar) Almost there. Now head for the lid. (hand goes lower) Cold. (hand goes higher) Warmer. (hand goes higher) Warmer. (hand goes higher) Warmer. You're hot. You're on fire!!
Patrick: Ow, it burns.
Spongebob: Ok, ok. Wait, wait. Do exactly as I do. (takes it off again) Exactly as I do. (takes it off again) Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
Patrick: Exactly as you do. (takes lid off jar) Oh, no, I broke it!
Spongebob: No, no, Patrick, you did it!
Patrick: I did? (both cheer as Patrick throws the jar into the floor) Touchdown!
Spongebob: That was great, Patrick! You really got the hang of it.
Patrick: Yeah. Remember when I had my up? And I put it on the lid?
Spongebob: Oh, yeah.
Patrick: Then I took the lid off and I thought I broke it.
Spongebob: (laughs) Yeah.
Patrick: But I didn't. I opened the jar with my hand. And it was all because you showed me how to do it. I'm never gonna forget this.
Spongebob: Patrick, you do exactly what I do and you'll have an award in no time. (night becomes day then clam cock-a-doodle-doo's everyone up) I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. (notices Patrick dressed up like him)
Patrick: Good morning, Spongebob.
Spongebob: Wow. It's amazing how a simple change of clothes can make a guy look...just...like...me.
Patrick: Yup. If I'm gonna be an award winner, I've gotta dress like one. Spongebob: That's creepy...but flattering! I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready... (Patrick copies Spongebob then Spongebob stops) Huh?
(in KK) Well, back to the ol' grind.
Patrick: Well, back to the ol' grind.
Spongebob: Forget my hat.
Patrick: Uhh, me, too.
Spongebob: (Spongebob mops the floor then puts the mop up. Patrick mops the floor but makes it slippery. Spongebob comes out with a handful of plates and slips and breaks them all. Patrick follows in Spongebobs footsteps)
(Back in the kitchen)
Spongebob & Patrick: Whew! (drops his spatula)
Spongebob: (laughs) Dropped my spatula. (bends down to pick it up)
Patrick: Uhh, me, too. (drops spatula then picks it up. Patrick copies Spongebob's every move including putting his hand on the grill. Patrick's hand burns after a few seconds)
Spongebob: Aha! (shows the fake hand) You're copying me!
Patrick: Yes.
Spongebob: Why are you doing that?
Patrick: So I can get an award like you.
Spongebob: Well, it's annoying, so stop it!
Patrick: Stop it. (both immitate the others facial expressions)
Spongebob: Say, you're good.
Patrick: Thanks.
Spongebob & Patrick: Ha! Darn. Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as...pickle fish lips!! (both cover their mouth) Sea weavle. Yorgy smorgy.
Spongebob: At least I'm safe inside my mind.
Patrick: At least I'm safe inside my mind.
Spongebob & Patrick: Ahh! (both run out of KK)
Spongebob: Stop copying me!
Patrick: There's no award for that.
Squidward: (leaning against a poll and reading) Well, I guess it's safe to go in, now. (puts hat back on and walks in)
Spongebob: Patrick, how long are you going to keep this up?
Patrick: Until I have as many awards as you.
Spongebob: We'll see about that!
Patrick: No, we won't.
Spongebob: (takes out a jump-rope) I'm the jump-rope champion of Bikini Bottom.
Patrick: Me, too. (takes out a jump-rope)
Spongebob: Oh, yeah? I call this one: The Slice N' Dice. (crosses arms and jump-ropes while Patrick tries to immitate but ties himself up with his rope) Ha! Not a scratch on me. (body breaks down into pieces)
Patrick: Oh, no you don't! (squeezes the rope on himself breaking his body down into smaller pieces. Then both hit a hammer on their heads)
Spongebob: Not much fun being me, now, huh Patrick?
Patrick: Are you kidding? I used to do this way before I started copying you. (Patrick hits himself too hard and stops and gets a headache. Spongebob runs into Patrick's rock painted as a pineapple)
Patrick: My turn! (runs into the pineapple rock)
Spongebob: (runs into his pineapple) I wish I had the old Patrick back, but he just want to be like me. (comes out of house dressed like Patrick) Hi, I'm Patrick Star. I'm the laziest, pinkest starfish in Bikini Bottom and I wish I were me and not Spongebob.
Patrick: What's so great about being a Big Pink Loser? (Spongebob's nose pokes out) Exactly. I was never closer to an award then the minute I started copying you.
Spongebob: But, Patrick...
Patrick: Patrick's not here!
Delivery Guy: Trophy delivery! (shoves a trophy box in Spongebob's mouth)
Spongebob: Another trophy?
Patrick: Oh, great! What's it for this time?
Spongebob: 'For Doing Absolutely Nothing Longer Than Anyone Else'. Patrick! This trophy's for you!
Patrick: Yay! (puts trophy on head) Eee!
Spongebob: So, what are you going to do, now?
Patrick: I'm gonna go protect my title. (jumps in his rock and falls asleep)

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