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Something Smells - Spongebob Squarepants Transcripts

Written by Aaron Springer, C.H. Greenblatt and Merriwether Williams

Spongebob: (foghorn sounds. Spongebob turns it off and launches himself at his big calendar. He hits the 20th day) Wow! It’s Sunday, Gary! Guess what’s for breakfast?
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: That’s right! (puts a bowl on the kitchen counter) A sundae! (runs to the freezer and finds it empty) Whoops, looks like we’re out of ice cream. Guess I’ll have to use something else. Ketchup! (squeezes a bunch of ketchup into the bowl. Then runs over to the storage bin) Hmmm, bananas, cherries, boring. (closes storage door) Ahh, here we go, onions! (runs up to the counter with two sacks that say "onions" on them) Ready, Gary?
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: (Gary plays a violin while Spongebob cries while peeling the onions into the bowl) Just one more thing! Pea... (opens up another storage door but finds an empty jar) ...nuts. Gary! Our peanut jar is totally empty! (Gary burps) Hmmm... (snaps fingers) Wait! I know one other place we can find peanuts. (looks in the bathroom and finds a peanut plant in front of the window) Good thing I still have these peanut plants growing in the windowsill. (throws the plant into the sundae bowl) A little texture never hurt. There we go. (gets out a spoon) This sundae’s gonna taste great! Aren’t you going to help me, Gary? Gary? Oh well, more for me! (takes a few spoonfuls. Scene cuts to Spongebob coming out of the kitchen with a bunch of sundae smoke coming out with him. He drops his spoon while Gary hides behind a coral plant) You know what they say, Gary. I’m easy like Sunday morning. ('morning' comes out of Spongebobs mouth and wraps itself around Garys eyes, twisting them) Ok, let’s see my to-do list. (takes out a big long list) Go to work, go to work, go to work, go to work, go to work...wait, that’s not right. I need the one for Sunday. (takes out a small piece of paper) Ah, here we go. 'Say hi to everyone in Bikini Bottom'. (runs off. Scene cuts to Spongebob running up to a citizen) Hello. (citizen runs off in disgust of his bad breath. Spongebob waves) Some people are even late on Sunday. (Spongebob notices a mailman) Hi mailfish! (mailfish breaks its skin into a smaller fish and then into another smaller fish. Spongebob notices a crossing guard) Hi, Mrs crossing guard! (crossing guard gets a whiff of his bad breath)
Crossing Guard: Mother of mercy! (kids walk across the street and then the sound of a crashing car sounds but its a parade)
Spongebob: Wow, a parade! Hi, parade! Hi, tuba player! Hi, drummer! Hi, guy with the cymbals! Hi, trumpeter! Hi, tambourine girl! Hi, timbale man! Hi, didjeridu player! (didjeridu player is playing his instrument) Hi, triangle player! Hi, guy with the kettle drum! Hi, pianist! Hi, guy with the flute! And hello, Dolly! (all this time that Spongebob is giving a shout out to the parade, his bad breath is forming into a ball. When he finishes, the ball rolls into the parade and knocks them away. Everyone runs off) Was it something I said? Something weird is going on today. Everyone is running away from me. (notices some pink pile of gum on the bench) And now...giant piles of bubble gum?! Ohh, what next? (Patricks head pops out)
Patrick: Hi, Spongebob.
Spongebob: Ohh, hi, Patrick. I’m confused.
Patrick: Yes, I am.
Spongebob: Patrick, everyone is running away from me. Watch. (walks over to a building) Hi, building! (building moves farther away) I just don’t get it.
Patrick: I don’t either.
Spongebob: I just don't get it.
Patrick: I don't either. Maybe it’s the way you’re dressed. (scene zooms in on Spongebobs clothing from the feet up)
Spongebob & Patrick: Nah.
Patrick: Maybe it’s your voice. (Spongebob laughs then stops)
Spongebob: Good one, Patrick.
Patrick: Well, maybe it’s just because you’re ugly.
Spongebob: Ugly? (wipes his forehead with his wet finger and strikes a pose) You gotta be kiddin' me.
Patrick: Better try the reflection test. (takes out a big mirror)
Spongebob: (talks to the mirror) Hi. (Spongebobs reflection smells the bad breath and breaks the glass with a hammer)
Patrick: Ugly.
Spongebob: Oh, no! I can’t be ugly! I can’t be! I can’t be ugly! (runs up to two citizens) Am I ugly! (two smell the bad breath and pull down a hook then bit on it. Both are sent up into the air. Spongebob jumps onto a car windshield) Am I ugly? (bad breath smell goes around the windshield and into the drivers eyes)
Driver: My eyes! My eyes! (car explodes)
Spongebob: I’m ugly. (scene cuts to nighttime in Bikini Bottom at Spongebob's house)
Patrick: (walks in Spongebob house) Spongebob, can I borrow some bath beads? (walks into Spongebobs library and notices someone playing the piano) Spongebob? (lights turn on. Spongebob turns around and reveals himself wearing a Groucho Marx glasses/nose and a black cape)
Spongebob: Go. Run away like all the others. No one would want a friend as ugly as I am.
Patrick: Sure they would! It makes them feel better about the way they look! Maybe a story will cheer you up. (Patrick grabs Spongebob and sits him down in a chat) It’s called, "The Ugly Barnacle." Once there was a ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The end. (smiles big)
Spongebob: That didn’t help at all. (sobs) How long? How long have I been ugly, Patrick?
Patrick: As long as I can remember. You poor ugly thing, you.
Spongebob: Help me, I’m so ashamed! I’m spiraling! I’m spiraling! (Patrick slaps Spongebob) Thanks, Patrick. (Patrick is about to slap him again but Spongebob stops him) It’s ok, Patrick. Spiraling, over.
Patrick: Just do what I do when I have problems. Scream!! (Patrick grabs Spongebob and runs off) Come on, I’ll help you. (scene cuts to Spongebob and Patrick on Spongebob's roof) Ok, now, say it. (Spongebob is hesitant) Say it.
Spongebob: I can’t.
Patrick: Spongebob, you’re never going to feel better unless you get this thing off your chest. (scene shows Spongebob having some creature on his chest)
Spongebob: I know, Patrick. (pulls the creature off and tosses him away)
Patrick: Say it. Say it.
Spongebob: I’m ugly.
Patrick: You’re ugly and what?
Spongebob: Square?
Patrick: No. Proud.
Spongebob: I’m ugly and I’m proud.
Patrick: Good! Say it louder.
Spongebob: (louder) I’m ugly and I’m proud.
Patrick: Louder.
Spongebob: (louder) I’m ugly and I’m proud.
Patrick: Louder!
Spongebob: (loudest) I’m ugly and I’m proud! I’m ugly and I’m proud!! I’m ugly and I’m proud!!
Squidward: (tanning on his roof) Is that what he calls it?
Spongebob: (breathing hard) That felt great! I feel empowered!
Patrick: So whaddya wanna do now?
Spongebob: I don’t know. How about a movie? (scene cuts to the movie theater. Spongebob & Patrick walk down to the front row) Pardon me, ugly sponge coming through. (two fish smell Spongebobs bad breath then float into the air)
Patrick: People respect self esteem. (Spongebob & Patrick sit in the empty seats)
Spongebob: (leans over to the lady sitting next to him) Hi, I am very ugly. But you should enjoy the movie anyway. (bad breathe disintegrates the womans face. Spongebob leans over to the fish sitting next to Patrick) Excuse me, sir, I hope my horrible ugliness won’t be a distraction to you.
Fish: Not at all, boy. (smells the bad breath and freaks out)
Patrick: Don’t worry about him, Spongebob. He’s just a... (Spongebob starts to cry) Spongebob? Spongebob, what’s wrong?
Spongebob: I can’t do this, Patrick! I’ve tried, and I’ve tried... (turns around with a distorted face) ...but I’m not always as confident as I look. Maybe I’d better just go back and hide. (Patrick gets angry)
Patrick: (stands up and turns around) What is wrong with you people? Afraid to look ugliness in the face? (picks up Spongebob) Well, here, look at it! (bath breath covers the crowd) It’s ugly, isn’t it?! (group of 5 smell Spongebob's breath and run) Here! You look at it!
Spongebob: Hello. (group runs off)
Patrick: You, look at it!
Spongebob: Hi. (group of people run)
Patrick: Look at it! (everyone runs out) Look at it! Look at it! Look at it! I want all of you to look at it! (everyone in the theater runs out)
Spongebob: They all ran away, Patrick.
Patrick: I bet there’s no line at the snack bar. (scene cuts to Spongebob & Patrick at the snack bar) Hello? Hello? Must be on break.
Spongebob: Oh, wait, Patrick! I just remembered. (takes out some of his sundae from his pocket) I’ve got some of my peanut onion sundae we can share!
Patrick: That looks great! (sucks all the sundae out of Spongebob's hand. Stomach gets upset afterwards) Ohh, I gotta go to the restroom! (Patrick is using the sink. Notices he is out of soap and asks the fish next to him) I’m out of soap, can I borrow... (fish smells Patrick's bad breath)
Fish #2: Stay back!
Patrick: I just want some...
Fish #2: (takes out some money from his pocket) Here! Here’s my money! (lets go of the money) Take it! Take it and go away! (runs away)
Patrick: My hands aren’t (that) dirty. (walks over to a line of people waiting to use the bathroom stalls) Hey, you guys want to hear a bathroom joke? (Patricks bad breath causes them to get angry)
Fish #3: You tryin’ to kill us?! (three of them walk off)
Patrick: Oh...oh! I caught the ugly!! (Spongebob walks into the bathroom)
Spongebob: Patrick, is everything ok in here? (opens bathroom stall to see Patrick wearing a blue & yellow striped bag over his head) What are you doing in there, Patrick?
Patrick: Wouldn’t you like to know?
Spongebob: And why is that bag on your head?
Patrick: Why? Oh, no reason. Except you gave me the ugly! (takes the bag off his head. Spongebob gasps) What am I gonna do? I can’t go out looking like this.
Spongebob: Just remember what we talked about. There’s power in pride.
Patrick: That may be fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people. Now look at me! (Spongebob holds his nose) I’m almost as ugly as you! I always thought if I was as ugly as that guy, I don’t know what I’d do.
Spongebob: Patrick?
Patrick: What’s my mom gonna say?
Spongebob: Patrick?
Patrick: Oh my gosh, if my sister finds out, wait, I don’t have a sister, if the bank, I mean it’s one thing if you have bad shoes, or even bad hair, but...
Spongebob: (englarges himself to get his attention) Patrick!! (shrinks back to normal size) You’re not ugly. Your breath stinks. Really bad.
Patrick: (breathes out the bad smell in Spongebobs face) What a relief.
Spongebob: Barnacles, Patrick! What did you eat?
Patrick: Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza...
Spongebob: No, I mean just this morning.
Patrick: Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza...
Spongebob: What else?
Patrick: Well, I had some of your sundae.
Spongebob: Sundae... (takes out some sundae from his pocket) Patrick! My sundae gave us rancid breath!
Patrick: Whatcha mean? (Spongebob coughs)
Spongebob: I mean, we’re not ugly, we just stink!
Patrick: Stink? (both cheer)
Spongebob & Patrick: We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! (while they are chanting this, the theater disintegrates from their bad breath filling up the place. Both run up to Squidward, who is looking into a wig shop window)
Spongebob: Oh, guess what, Squidward?
Spongebob & Patrick: We stink! (both hug Squidward and run away)

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