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Idiot Box - Spongebob Squarepants Transcripts

Written by Paul Tibbitt, Kent Osborne and Merriwether Williams

Spongebob: See anything yet, Patrick?
Patrick: I need my glasses. (puts 2 glasses of water on his eyes) Hmmm, it’s the mail truck!
Spongebob and Patrick: Our package! (both start dancing & hopping)
Squidward: I didn’t realize it was Happy Hopping Moron Day.
MailMan: Spongebob Squarepants?
Spongebob: That’s me! (throws a very big box next to Spongebob & Patrick)
Squidward: That’s a big box.
Spongebob: Thank you. (still dancing & hopping)
Patrick: Hey Spongebob, when do we stop hopping?
Spongebob: 30 more seconds, Patrick.
Squidward: He probably ordered a lifetime supply of bubble soap. (Spongebob & Patrick pull out a big/scren TV) Huh? A brand-new television?
Spongebob: Easy...easy... (throw the TV onto a trash-can)
Squidward: Just when I thought they couldn’t get any stupider. Let me get this straight, you two ordered a giant screen television just so you could play in the box?
Spongebob: Pretty smart, huh?
Patrick: I thought it wouldn’t work.
Squidward: Uh-huh, that’s quite a plan there. Oh, but wait, there was something else I wanted to ask you two. What was it? Oh, yeah, yeah. Don’t you two have any brains?
Spongebob: Squidward, we don’t need television. Not as long as we have our... (makes a rainbow with his hands) ...imagination.
Squidward: Wow, I never thought of it that way. That’s really something. Can I have your TV?
Spongebob: With... (makes a rainbow with his hands) ...imagination, I can be anything I want! A pirate! Arr! A football player! Hutt
! Patrick: A starfish!
Squidward: Patrick, you’re already a starfish.
Patrick: See, Squidward? It works! You try!
Squidward: Ok, let’s see. I’m imaging myself watching TV (points to the one on the trash-can) And there it is! Can I have it, Spongebob?
Spongebob: Sure, Squidward.
Squidward: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! (Squidward pushes TV in his tiki)
Spongebob: Ok Squidward, but if you change your mind, we’ll be in this box!
Patrick: Let’s play Mountain Climbing Adventure!
Spongebob: Let’s go for it! Gloves!
Patrick: Check.
Spongebob: Hats!
Patrick: Check.
Spongebob: Underwear!
Patrick: Uh… check!
Spongebob: Ok, Patrick climb up there and secure this rope.
Patrick: You got it! (you can hear noises coming from the box)
Spongebob: Patrick! Patrick! Patrick, you’re going to high!
Squidward: I hope they put some air holes in that box.
Spongebob: Take it easy, Patrick, you’ve got to acclimate!
Patrick: I’ll be easy when I’m dead! I’m shaking hands with Neptune! Woo! Excelsior!
Squidward: Now where’s that remote?
Patrick: I am the lizard king! Woo!
Spongebob: Patrick? Patrick? Patrick! I think we should keep our voices down! We might start an avalanche!
Patrick: What?
Spongebob: I said, I think we should keep our voices down in case of avalanches!
Patrick: What should we keep down?
Squidward: Morons.
Spongebob: Our voices!!
Squidward: Will you two shut up? (Squidward kicks box causing an avalanche making Spongebob & Patrick screaming & falling) Spongebob? (causes a second avalanche)
Patrick: Hold me.
Spongebob: Hang in there buddy, the chopper is on the way!
Patrick: Spongebob! My legs are frozen solid! You’re going to have to cut them off with a saw!
Spongebob: No Patrick, I can’t do that!
Patrick: Why not?
Spongebob: Because I already cut off my own arms!
Patrick: No!!
Squidward: What? How were you two making that noise?
Spongebob: (laughs) What noise, Squidward?
Patrick: We could only hear the sound of our laughter. Squidward: Yes! But those sound effects: the avalanche, the, the, the... Patrick: Don’t forget the second avalanche. Squidward: Forget it. I don’t know why I’m wasting my time out here when I could be watching my brand new television. (helicopter sounds)
Man Inside Box: Attention climbers, please hold on! The saws are on the way! (Squidward opens box)
Squidward: How are you two doing that?
Spongebob: First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet...
Squidward: The noises, how are you two making those noises?
Patrick: That’s easy. All you need is a box.
Spongebob: And... (makes a rainbow with his hands) ...imagination.
Squidward: Are you trying to say that I have no imagination? I have more imagination... (tries to make a rainbow with his hands but fails) ...in one tentacle than you two have in your whole bodies.
Patrick: That’s good. Now all you need is a box. (closes the box as Squidward walks back to his house)
Squidward: I’ll show them! (looks for another box) There’s got to be one in here! (finds a small, round green box) This hat box should do nicely. (pulls out a sombrero) Why haven’t I worn this yet? (gets in the box he is too big for and just sits there staring at his watch. Kicks box after he gets mad)
PoliceMan: Attention! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!
Squidward: What do they want with me? What did I do? I must have violated some new box kicking law! (walks out of house with the green box) Look officers, everything’s ok. I won’t do it again!
Spongebob: You’ll never take me alive, coppers!
Man: No, Johnny! Don’t do it! (Squidward kicks the green box so Spongebob & Patrick take it into theirs)
Patrick: Whoopee! Another box!
Squidward: I got to try to relax. Perhaps I can drown out their childish games with a little TV. (turns on TV to see a box converyer belt channel)
Host: It is here that the boxes reach their final stage of assembly. (changes channel to see a professor talk about a box equation)
Physicist: The equation is illustrated here by this box. (changes channel to a soap opera)
Man: I couldn’t afford a present this year, so I got you this box. (both hold up boxes)
Woman: That’s what I got you!
Squidward: Isn’t there anything on that isn’t about boxes? (changes channel)
Host: And welcome back to Championship Boxing.
Squidward: Heh-heh, I guess this is ok. I mean, it’s not really about boxes. (two cardboard boxes are going at each other) I give up.
Man: 3...2...1...blast off!
Squidward: How are they doing that? That was the most realistic space launch I ever heard! There must be an explanation. Think, Squidward, think! (imagines of a tape recorder they hav and playing real effects)
Spongebob: Squidward's such a jerk. (both laugh)
Squidward: Laugh at me, will they? (opens box) All right, where is it?
Patrick: (comes out of Squidwards green box) Here I am!
Spongebob: Where’s what, Squidward?
Squidward: Don’t "Where’s what, Squidward?" me! Where’s the tape recorder?
Spongebob: We don’t have a tape recorder, Squidward!
Squidward: Don’t "We don’t have a tape recorder, Squidward" me!
Spongebob: But we don’t!
Patrick: We have a tape recorder box.
Squidward: All right, make way you two, I’m coming in. (gets into box)
Spongebob: Welcome aboard, Squidward! You’ve just set sail on the S.S... (makes a rainbow with his hands) ...Imagination. Where our only destination is fantastic adventure! Where do you want to go first?
Squidward: Don’t mind me, I’m just here to observe.
Spongebob: Squidward, don’t you see? Waiting and watching? That’s not what the box is all about! It’s all about... (makes a rainbow with his hands) ...imagination.
Squidward: All right, fine! Take me to Robot Pirate Island! I want to arm wrestle with cowboys on the moon! Just do it so I can get back and watch TV!
Spongebob: Ok, Squidward! Robot Pirate Island it is! (Spongebob and Patrick close their eyes and make pirate and robot noises)
Squidward: Why won’t this thing turn on? All right, fine. If you don’t want to show me, I don’t care! I’ve got better things to do than pace the floor wondering how you two work this thing. How do those two work that thing? There’s got to be a secret button or a switch or something! I mean, listen to that! (hears noises from box) That sounds like Robot Pirate Island! Think, Squidward, think! I got it! When those two go to bed, I’ll sneak in there and find that button. I’ll wait all night if I have to!
Patrick: (both come out of box) I need sleep to refuel my imagination tanks!
Spongebob: I still can’t believe those pirates beat all those robots.
Patrick: See you in the morning.
Spongebob: Good-night, Patrick. (Squidward sneaks out to get into the box)
Squidward: (sees a piece of paper on the wall) Hello, what’s this? ("This plaque is to commemorate the brave pirates who gave their lives to keep this box safe from the Robot Menace. Lest we forget...") (tears paper) I’ve got to find that button quick! (looks around box) It’s got to be around here somewhere. I don’t see anything! It’s just an empty box! Maybe it really was their imagination. Oh...get yourself together, Squidward! I mean, do I really believe that if I sit here and pretend to drive a race car that I’m suddenly going to start hearing noises? (steps on the imaginary gas pedal and hears the actual noise) What the...? (Squidward turns the imaginary key) It actually works! I can’t believe it! Oh boy! This beats TV by a long shot! This is the most fun I’ve ever had!
Spongebob: Listen to that, Gary. Squidward finally made the box work after all. That is so great.
Squidward: Vroom! Only two more laps to the finish line! (garbage truck dumps out the trash) I’m in the lead! Out of my way! I’m almost there! Victory is mine! (box slides down a trash pile until it hits something sending Squidward into a cherry pie)
Spongebob: Hey, our box is gone!
Patrick: Oh well.
Spongebob: I know! Let’s go see Squidward!
Patrick: I hope he’s not too down in the dumps today.

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