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Mermaidman and Barnacelboy V - Spongebob Squarepants Transcripts

Written by C.H. Greenblatt, Kaz and Merriwether Williams

Narrator: The New Adventures of Mermaidman and Barnacleboy. In a familiar restaurant, in a familiar part of town, a call goes out in frustration.
All: Will you hurry up?
Narrator: A call that would normally be answered by Bikini Bottom's semi-retired champions. (If) they weren't the ones causing the problem.
Mermaidman: Let's see...I wanna, no. I wanna, uh, no, uh, hmmm...
Squidward: Sir, will you please order already? You're holding up the line!
Spongebob: (whispering in Mermaidman's ear) Psst. Hey, Mermaidman, get a Krabby Patty.
Mermaidman: I've made my decision.
Line of Customers: Hooray!
Mermaidman: 1 Krabby Patty for me and a Pipsqueak Patty for the boy.
Barnacleboy: Now, wait just a darn minute.
Line of Customers: Awww!
Barnacleboy: I don't want a Pipsqueak Patty. I want an adult size Krabby Patty.
Mermaidman: The Krabby Patty is too big for you. You'll never finish it.
Barnacleboy: Don't you see what you're doing. You're treating me like a child.
Mr Krabs: The boys eyes are bigger than his stomach. (laughs)
Barnacleboy: And that's another thing. I'm not a boy. I'm so old I got hairs growing out of the wrinkles in my liver spots. (shows a hair popping out)
Squidward: One Pipsqueak patty and your bib and high chair.
Barnacleboy: I'm 68 years old and I want a Krabby Patty!
Mermaidman: Your Pipsqueak is getting cold. Shall I feed you?
Barnacleboy: Feed this, old man! (slaps the krabby patty out of Mermaidman's hand) I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra! From now on, I want to be called Barnacleman! And, I'm through protecting citizens that don't respect me!
Spongebob: I respect you, Barnacleman!
Barnacleman: That's Barnacleboy, I mean, man! Ohh...I say if you're not going to give me the respect I want as a hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain. A villain who is...evil.
Spongebob: Evil??
Mr Krabs, Squidward, Patrick, & Sandy Evil?? (Mr Krabs slaps MM)
Mermaidman: EVIL!!!
Barnacleman: I'm crossing over...to the dark side! (points to dark side of Krusty Krab)
Mr Krabs: Why should I waste money lighting the whole store? (villain car comes in)
Dirty Bubble: Did someone say evil?
Spongebob: Holy oil spill! It's Mermaidman and Barnacleboy's arch enemies: ManRay and The Dirty Bubble! (BB gets in villain car)
Barnacleman: Nighty night, you old goat!
Mermaidman: Nighty-night! (to Squidward) Will you tuck me in?
Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt your bleak and meaningless lives for this news report. ManRay, The Dirty Bubble, and now, playing for the darkside, Barnacleboy...
Barnacleman: Barnacleman!
Realistic Fish Head: ...have been committing a series of crimes in Bikini Bottom. (shows ManRay, The Dirty Bubble, and Barnacleman ding-dong-ditching)
Barnacleman: Shh!
Citizen: (opens door) I'll get you crazy kids.
Realistic Fish Head: These three have named their new alliance: Every Villain Is Lemons, also known as E.V.I.L.! What can we do? When will this crime wave end? How will we defeat the evil? Why am I asking (you) all these questions? Mermaidman, where are you? (Mr Krabs slaps MM again)
Mermaidman: Huh? I'm right here! Don't worry, good citizens! Nothing will stop me from defeating the E.V.I.L.! Nothing! (ice cream truck sounds) Ice cream? I love ice cream! Two scoops of prune with bran sprinkles. Mmm. (MM takes a bite but explodes then E.V.I.L. is shown as ice cream men)
Barnacleman: You might as well give up, Mermaidman, because there are three of us and only one of you. You don't stand a chance.
Spongebob: Are you okay, Mermaid Man? Oh, how are you going to beat those three guys all by yourself?
Mermaidman: You're right. I give up.
Spongebob: You can't give up. What if we help you?
Mermaidman: No, no, that's a terrible idea. But what if you help me?
Spongebob: Okay!
Mermaidman: Who wants to save the world?
Spongebob: I do!
Sandy: I do!
Patrick: I do!
Squidward: I don't.
Mr Krabs: Oh, yes, you do. No world means no money! Now go save the world or you're fired!
Mermaidman: Then it's settled! To the Mermalair!
Spongebob: Wow! The Mermalair!
Mermaidman: These costumes belonged to the original International Justice League of Super Acquaintances!
Spongebob: Wow! The I.J.L.S.A. were the most heroic heroes ever! And you had the best lunch box, too.
Mermaidman: Once you put on these costumes, their fantastic powers will become yours.
Sandy: Wow! I didn't think super powers worked that way.
Mermaidman: Sure! Power's all in the costume! Why else would we run around in colored undies?
Squidward: I can think of three good reasons.
Narrator: The Quickster...with the ability to run really...quick!
Spongebob: Want to see me run to that mountain and back? (doesnt move) Want to see me do it again?
Narrator: Captain Magma...get him angry and he's bound to erupt!
Squidward: Krakatoa! (lava shoots out)
Narrator: The Elastic Waistband...able to stretch his body into fantastic shapes and forms!
Patrick: I can finally touch my toes! (stretches his toes over the back of his body and to his hands)
Narrator: And Miss Appear...now you see her...(disappears)...now you don't.
Sandy: Does this outfit make me look fat?
Narrator: The International Justice League of Super Acquaintances! A subsidiary of Viacom.
Mermaidman: So, it's settled then. We'll get one cheese pizza, one with pepperoni and mushrooms, and one with olives.
Chief: Super Acquaintances, we need your help.
Spongebob: Holy halibut! it's the chief!
Chief: Thank you for the introduction, Quickster, but we all know who I am! More importantly, we've found information on the whereabouts of E.V.I.L.
Patrick: The whoseabouts of what?
Sandy: You just tell us where they are, Chief, and we'll hog-tie 'em faster than you can say "Salsa Verde".
Chief: Our sources last found E.V.I.L. harassing teenagers up at "Make Out Reef". You know, Make-Out Reef? (makes out with himself) Whoo hoo hoo!
Spongebob: Flopping flounder, Mermaidman, Make-Out Reef!
Mermaidman: Those fiends! Attacking hormonally stressed-out children!
Squidward: Ah, Make-Out Reef. Good times, good times.
Mermaidman: To Make-Out Reef, away!
?Patrick: Does this mean we're not getting pizza?
John & Nancy: Stop, please!
E.V.I.L.: John and Nancy, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Dirty Bubble: Oh! Shine the flashlight in that car, ManRay!
ManRay: Haha, with pleasure! (shines on a kid making love to a pillow)
Fish: Hey man, that's not cool.
Mermaidman: You leave those young lovers alone!
ManRay: Well if it isn't MilkMaidman! You've saved us the trouble of tracking you down!
Mermaidman: You fiends can't win! You're outnumbered!
ManRay: You senile bag of fish paste! There are three of us and only one of you!
Spongebob: Make that two!
ManRay: The Quickster!
Squidward: Three!
Barnacleman: Captain Magma!
Patrick: Four!
Dirty Bubble: The Elastic Waistband!
Sandy: Five!
E.V.I.L.: M-M-Miss Appear!
Mermaidman: And me makes ten, I think.
ManRay: Uh-oh, I don't have a good feeling about this.
Barnacleman: Oh, there goes our toy deal.
Mermaidman: Super Acquaintances, attack!
Barnacleman: Oh no, please, mercy!
Squidward: Krakatoa! (lava shoots out onto The Quickster)
Spongebob: Ah! Ah! Ah! Get it off!
Patrick: I'll save you, Quickster, ahh! (stretches his arms to try and save Quickster but ends up getting stuck)
Mermaidman: I'll cool you off, Quickster, with one of my water balls! (concentrates but throws waterball at Captain Magma)
Squidward: No, no, I'm Captain Magma! (gets hit)
Sandy: Well, I guess it's up to me! I'll sneak over...unseen...and catch them by surprise. (a car hits Sandy sending her off the cliff)
Spongebob: Get it off! Get it off! (eventually stops but only shown as shoes) Whew...I'm glad that's over!
Barnacleman: We did it, we won! This day belongs to E.V.I.L.! You've lost Mermaidman, and the superhero/super-villain rules say you have to give in to my demands.
Mermaidman: Okay, what do you want?
ManRay: World domination! Tell him we want world domination!
Dirty Bubble And make him eat dirt! Hahaha! In addition to the...domination thing.
Barnacleman: First, I want to be treated like a superhero, not a sidekick. Second, I want to be called Barnacleman. And number three...
ManRay: Come on, world domination!
Barnacleman: I want an adult-sized Krabby Patty.
Dirty Bubble: Did you hear him say anything about eating dirt?
Barnacleman: Need a hand, superpal? (both start to get tears in their eyes)
Mermaidman: Good to have you back on the side of justice, Kyle. Let's go get you that Krabby Patty!
ManRay: Was that it? Oh, that's sickening.
Dirty Bubble: Oh, this reminds me of the time I went to Cancun with the killer shrimp. Oh, they had these papaya drinks...
ManRay: Oh, Neptune, shut up!
Mermaidman: How is that adult-sized Krabby Patty treating you, Barnacleman?
Barnacleman: Actually, it's pretty big. I'm not sure if I can finish the whole thing. (everyone laughs)

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