The Algae's Always Greener - Spongebob Squarepants Transcripts
Written by Aaron Springer, C.H. Greenblatt, and Merriwether Williams
(Scene begins at the Krusty Krab with Old Man Jenkins walking into a poll.)
Old Man Jenkins: Pardon me, young lady.
(Takes glasses off to get a better look.)
Old Man Jenkins: Oh, what a fox!
(Walks over to condiment island, and put ketchup on his tray. Plankton is in the ketchup bottle.)
Plankton: Ha ha haaa! Ooh hoo! You're all mine you sweet Krabby Patty. Ooh hoo ooh ha ha ha ha ha!
(Alarm goes off inside the ketchup bottle, and Plankton buckles himself.)
Plankton: Initiating launch sequence.
Old Man Jenkins: Eh, eh... I hope I don't miss again.
Plankton: Reunited, and it's gonna feel so good!
(Old Man Jenkins missed again, as Plankton goes flying across the restaurant)
(Plankton darts around the walls in Mr. Krabs' office.)
Mr. Krabs: Ooh, ooh, sweet wampum. Huh! Whazzat? Another one of those drive-by things!
(Mr. Krabs hides next to his desk for protection.)
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, where are you? Shield me with your forhead!
(Plankton finally lands right next to the desk, and Mr. Krabs picks him up.)
Mr. Krabs: So, it was a just another failed Krabby Patty theft attempt by my arch competitor, Plankton! For a second there, I misstook you for a threat. But you're just a dirty little man.
(Mr. Krabs flicks Plankton away.)
Mr. Krabs: So long, shrimp!
(An actual shrimp who was exiting the Krusty Krab, turns around. Plankton is in mid-air.)
Plankton: Curse you, Mr. Krabs!
(Plankton finally lands in the Chum Bucket. He walks in sighing.)
Karen: So, typical day of failure, I see, huh darling?
Plankton: Oh, can it, computer wife. Can't you see I'm exhausted? Why don't you go make yourself useful and synthesize me up some grub?
Karen: Yes, your majesty.
(Holographic meatloaf appears on the table that Plankton's sitting at.)
Plankton: What do we got here? Oh, goody. Holographic meatloaf again! When am I gonna get some real food? Mr. Krabs gets to eat real food. Just look at his daughter, she's a big as a whale. I wish I could be successful like Mr. Krabs. I wish I could somehow just switch lives with him. Just to know what it's like.
Karen: Then why don't you just use that "Switch-Lives-Just-To-Know-What-It's-Like-O-Mogrifier" thing you built last Tuesday?
Plankton: What a brilliant idea! Your parents must have been like, part computer or something.
(Plankton sits down in front of the Switch-Lives-Just-To-Know-What-It's-Like-O-Mogrifier.)
Plankton: Now, let's see.
(A picture of a dolphin shows up on the Switch-Lives-Just-To-Know-What-It's-Like-O-Mogrifier.)
Plankton: No... no...
(Finally, a picture of a krab shows up.)
(Plankton buckles up.)
Plankton: Well, I hate to leave you Karen, but you know what they say... a rolling ston gathers no algae!
(Plankton goes through a hole of space and time.)
(Plankton stops to get a drink of soda, then starts screaming again. Later, Plankton wakes up at Mr. Krabs' desk.)
Plankton: Ugh... dear Neptune above, what happened last night? Huh, what's this?
(Plankton picks up a name plate reading Mr. Plankton.)
Plankton: Mister Plankton?
(Plankton picks up a picture of Pearl.)
Plankton: Who the Davey?
(Plankton looks out the office windows and sees people eating Krabby Patties.)
Plankton: I'm in the Krusty Krab... which mean the life switcher was a success! The Krusty Krab is mine!
SpongeBob: Order up! Two deluxe Krabby Patties.
(Plankton's eye turns into a Krabby Patty.)
Plankton: At last!
(SpongeBob delivers food to customer.)
SpongeBob: There you are sir. Two deluxe...
(Plankton appears at the table.)
SpongeBob: Ahoy there, Mr. Plankton.
Plankton: Er, um, hey there, uh SpongeBob. Uh, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes sir!
Plankton: I'm gonna needto take one of these patties back to my office for um, bun inspection.
SpongeBob: I'm afraid you can't do that Mr. Plankton!
Plankton: Wh- why not?
SpongeBob: Because that patty is for the customer, sir!
Plankton: The customer? I'll boil the customer in hot oil, and rip out his...
(SpongeBob's eyes point to the customer, to stop Plankton.)
Plankton: I mean uh, yes, of course, for the lovely... customer.
(SpongeBob gives Plankton two Krabby Patties.)
SpongeBob: But you can take these patties, sir. I made them in the off chance that you'd decide to instigate some bun inspection today, Mr. Plankton, sir!
Plankton: Uhh... yes, uh, very nice. Um, thanks.
(Plankton runs back to his office.)
Plankton: All mine, it's finnaly all mine! The patties, the wealth, the notoriety!
(Plankton sees SpongeBob in his office.)
Plankton: SpongeBob, what do you want?
SpongeBob: Well, it's just that it's Tuesday again, sir, and I was wondering if I could have my, ummm... weekly performance review!
SpongeBob: Oh yes, please sir!
Plankton: Eh, you're doing fine. Now leave me to my work.
SpongeBob: But sir!
Plankton: I thought I sent you away, Cretin.
SpongeBob: But sir, there must be something I need to improve on. Anything!
Plankton: All right, the sauce. I dunno, you're using too much sauce, okay? Review's over.
(SpongeBob's face changes.)
SpongeBob: Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...
Plankton: What's the matter with you? All I said was "A little too much sauce." It's no big deal, really.
SpongeBob: Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...
Plankton: What do you want from me, a promotion?
(SpongeBob's face changes back to normal.)
SpongeBob: A pro- a promo- a promotipn?!
Plankton: Uh, sure kid, you're uh... you're on register now.
(SpongeBob leaves. Plankton gets back to the Krabby Patties.)
Plankton: Glad that's over.
(Squidward's standing at the cash register reading a book, when he realizes that SpongeBob is standing right next to him.)
Squidward: SpongeBob, remember that little talk we had about 'personal space'?
SpongeBob: It's okay, Squidward. I'm official, look!
(SpongeBob points out his badge that says Co-Cashier.)
(Plankton is sitting at a table with the two Krabby Patties.)
(Squidward storm in to Mr. Plankton's office.)
Squidward: You can't do this to me! If you think I'm going to stand out there all day listening to "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." then you must have coral wedged in your frontal lobe!
Plankton: So what do you want me to do about it?
Squidward: I'd like my view to be a little less yellow, if you know what I mean.
(Squidward's now the fry cook, standing in front of the grill.)
Plankton: Hope you like gray.
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, I can see you through this little window!
(Squidward groans. Plankton heads back to his office.)
Plankton: Now, no more intrusions! I'd like the begin writing the memoirs of my success story, so everyone just stat the...
(Pearl runs inside the Krusty Krab.)
Pearl: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!
(Plankton is being bounced up and down.)
Plankton: Oof! Just tell Daddy what you want! Oof! He's very busy!
Pearl: Could I please have a um... an advance on my allowance?
Plankton: If it'll get you out of my antennae. Go crzy.
(Plankton gives Pearl one dollar.)
Pearl: One dollar? You hate me!
(Pearl begins to cry. Plankton has to dodge all of the tears. A tear ends up landing in his mouth, making him a circle. A fish walks out and angrily flattens him, getting all of the water out.)
Fish: You think this is funny?
Plankton: In a cosmic sort of way, yes.
Fish: Well Mr. Funny Man, is this how you get your sick kicks?
Plankton: What? Its just an ordinary Krabby... oh my goodness! Squidward!
(Now SpongeBob appears at the table, next to Plankton.)
SpongeBob: I tried Mr. Plankton, I really did.
Plankton: What now?
SpongeBob: A customer ordered a medium drink, and I gave him a large! I gave him a large! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it!
Plankton: Where's the off button on this thing?
(Plankton pushes his hand is SpongeBob's chest, in hopes that he'll stop.)
Plankton: I command you to stop that. Stop that and return to your post!
(Pearl walks up to Plankton.)
Pearl: Okay Daddy, I've decided I'm gonna run away! Run away and find a new daddy!
SpongeBob: Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it!
Plankton: Make it stop!
(Everything is silent.)
Plankton: What, did I say the secret word?
SpongeBob: No sir, he's back.
Plankton: Who's back? What?
(Something red flashed by.)
Plankton: What was that?
(An alarm sounds.)
SpongeBob: Man your stations! Red alert! Red alert! Take cover!
(All the customers scream, and run to take cover.)
Plankton: Take cover from what?!
(SpongeBob's up in the crow's nest searching for him.)
SpongeBob: He's around here somewhere.
(SpongeBob sees the red flash by once again.)
SpongeBob: There he goes!
Plankton: What? Who? Where? Somebody tell me.
Other Fish: Some say he crawled out from the lowest trench in the ocean.
Pearl: He's the saltiest of all the sea dogs.
SpongeBob: He's the most hated creature in Bikini Bottom.
Mr. Krabs: And he's finally got a Krabby Patty! Ar, ar, ar, ar!
Plankton: Krabs? What the barnacle is going on here?
SpongeBob: It's your arch competitor , Krabs. His goal in life is to steal a Krabby Patty and ruin our restaurant.
Plankton: That's terrible!
SpongeBob: Yeah, but the worst part is...
Plankton: Good grief, he's naked!
Mr. Krabs: And he's finnally got a Krabby Patty! Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar! Clother me if you can, silly landlubbers!
SpongeBob: I'm gonna make you eat those words, Krabs!
(The cash register spins upsidedown, and turns into a place where a cannon is located.)
SpongeBob: No shoes, no shirt, no service!
(SpongeBob shoots all the clothes out of the cannon at Mr. Krabs. All of them miss.)
Mr. Krabs: Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar!
(Mr. Krabs stops laughing, as he realizes a bra is on him.)
Mr. Krabs: Aw, ya got me! Well, at least it's underwire. Here's your stinkin' patty!
(Mr. Krabs throws the Krabby Patty back to SpongeBob.)
SpongeBob: Knick-knack, the patty's back! You did it, Mr. Plankton. Victory screech!
(SpongeBob and all the customers start screaming.)
Plankton: I don't understand. Is there a gas leak in here?
Mr. Krabs: Enjoy your victory screech, Plankton, because someday the Krabby Patty formla will be mine!
SpongeBob: You'll never get this formula, you twisted fiend!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, but I will. Even if I have to come back tommorow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...
(Mr. Krabs leaves the Krusty Krab. Plankton starts sweating.)
Mr. Krabs: And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...
(SpongeBob hand Plankton a phone.)
SpongeBob: Phone call for you, Mr. Plankton.
Mr. Krabs: And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...
(Plankton rips off his clothes.)
Plankton: It's not worth it, it's just not worth it! Goodbye everyone, I'll remember you all in therapy.
(Plankton presses the button for the Switch-Lives-Just-To-Know-What-It's-Like-O-Mogrifier. He ends up back in the Chum Bucket. Holographic meatloaf is on the table.)
Plankton: Holographic meatloaf? My favorite!
(Plankton starts eating it, and is happy again.)