Dunces and Dragons - Spongebob Squarepants Transcripts
Written by: Zeus Cervas, Erik Wiese & Tim Hill
(Spongebob & Patrick are running through the fields)
Spongebob: (laughing) Hurry, Patrick, it's almost time for the joust.
Patrick: Right behind ya, Spongebob. (giggles then both stop. A castle with a sign that says "Medieval Moments" is in front of them)
Speaker: Welcome to Medieval Moments. You're just 20 wizard spaces from swords, sorcery and bad hygiene. (Spongebob & Patrick run in)
Henchman: Right this way, please.
Spongebob: Excuse my good man, I believe thou meant to say "Righteth this wayeth". (both giggle)
Henchman: (tempted to kill self but doesn't) Some day but not today.
Spongebob: How's that mutton, Patrick?
Patrick: Me thinks it's mutton-tastic. (trumpet sounds)
Medieval Queen: Maury, you're suppose to announce the jousting tournament!
Medieval King: Good evening, fair patrons of medieval moments. By royal decree, we ask that two audience members come forth and participate in the, uhh, royal joust. (Spongebob & Patrick raise their hands) Oh, alright. It appears that the pink starfish and the yellow sponge are our lucky contestants tonight. Hoorah.
Spongebob: Isn't this exciting, Patrick? To think, we'll be watching the joust this close up.
Royal Henchman: You won't be watching the joust, you're in the joust.
Spongebob: Pat, do you know how to ride a seahorse.
Patrick: Nuh-uh. (seahorses gallop on opposite sides of the stadium)
Spongebob: Mr seahorse, sir, you're gentle on beginners, aren't you? (seahorse rides towards Patrick)
Patrick: Spongebob, help!
Crowd: Take his head off!
Spongebob: I don't suppose now would be a good time to ask for a bathroom break? (both screaming as Spongebob hits Patrick clear out of the stadium) Patrick! (Spongebob's seahorse throws him out of the stadium)
Patrick: (lands outside) Glad that's over. (Spongebob lands on top of him)
Spongebob: (calvary riding towards Spongebob & Patrick) Look, some employees from the restaurant came to help us.
Horseman: Arrest these traitors for committing the act of witchcraft from falling from the sky.
Spongebob: (touches the spears point) Whoa, they really go that extra mile for authenticity. Salutations my fellow knights.
Horseman: Silence heathen. (slices Spongebobs helmet in half)
Spongebob: Ah! I get the point. (both tossed in the dungeon)
Dungeon Master: Nighty night, ladies. You'll have many more in here.
Spongebob: Gee, Pat, these props sure are convincing. (both hear clarinet playing. A "squidward" like creature wearing a medieval outfit is playing the clarinet)
Squidly: Oh, blast this confounded instrument. If I never play with ease, may my own great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson be cursed ten-fold.
Spongebob: Squidward, what are you doing here?
Squidly: (looks around confused) Does thou talketh to me?
Spongebob: (laughs) Good one, Squidward. (imitates Squidly) Does thou talketh to me?
Squidly: Scoth not, young squire. Thou hath mistaken me for another. I am Squidly, the king's royal fool. Or at least I was until I royally messed up.
Spongebob: Wow, what'd you do?
Squidly: I'll show you.
I was the king's favorite fool
I made merry mirth and laughter
Then I told one bad joke
And the king had a stroke
And now I hang from ye ol' rafter
Patrick: (stomach growls) What does a guy have to do get some mutton around here? I’m starving!
Squidly: Don’t hold thy breath. We’ll be lucky if we get fed again by the 12th century.
Spongebob: They sure do take their role-playing seriously around here. (explosion outside)
Patrick: What’s that?
The evil wizard's dragon is here
See the townsfolk scream with fear
See the townsfolk try to run
I can tell this won't be fun
The dragon will torch everything
Everything in the valley
Hospitals, schools, retirement homes,
And even ye olde bowling alley
Citizen: Not the bowling alley! (dragon zaps bowling alley into dust. Citizen cries)
Spongebob: Knights, jesters, dragons, medieval bowling alleys, 12th century? Don’t you see, Patrick? We really are in medieval times.
Dungeon Master: The king wants a word with you two.
Spongebob: Wait, we don’t leave without Squidly.
Dungeon Master: Why should I take him?
Spongebob: Because, umm, Squidly has thought of some brilliant songs for the king and he just has to hear them. Isn’t that right, Squidly?
Squidly: (nods) Absolutely. (plays clarinet)
Spongebob: (stops Squidly) Squidly, uhh, maybe you should wait for the king to hear that.
Squidly: Suit thineselves. Thou does not knowest what thou art missing.
King: Woe is me. Woe is me. Woe is me. What to do? What to do?
Pearl: Father, what are thou going on about now?
King: Oh, just the same ol’ thing dear daughter. It’s that evil Planktonimor. His insidious dragon’s destroyed half the kingdom. Soon, there’ll be no citizens to tax. Not one of me best knights have been able to defeat him. (has a stroke)
Pearl: Father, remember your blood pressure. You wouldn’t want another leech treatment, would you?
Medieval Gary: Meow.
Henchman: Your highness, the dungeon master has brought the prisoners you asked for.
King: Well don’t just stand there, send ‘em in.
Henchman: Sure thing, your highness. (King Krabs & Pearl look at each other blankly)
Spongebob: Hey Mr Krabs.
King: How dare you bark in that tone, nave. I am the feared ruler of this kingdom and will be addressed as such.
King: And why have you brought this fool back into me throne room.
Squidly: If your majesty may be so kind, I think I have a song that will answer all your questions.
King: Ohh, alright, alright. But this is your last chance, fool.
Squidly: Oh, thank you sir. Thank you. You won’t be disappointed.
Oh hear me king
For I must sing,
How you are the greatest
Like letting a dragon
Burn down our city,
A horrible sight
That wasn't pretty.
Twas all your fault
And tis a pity,
You are bad
You are to blame.
Now hang your kingly head in shame
La la la la la la la la la la la!
The king is bad
The king’s to blame,
He hangs his kingly head in shame.
La la la la la la la la la la la!
King: Guards, send these slanderers to the guillotine. (shown a guillotine that cuts a pineapple in half)
Spongebob: Wait, you don’t understand. We’re not from here.
King: That’s because you’re witches who were sent by Planktonimor to destroy me.
Spongebob: No, we’re time travelers. (King gets angry) Help me out here, Patrick.
Patrick: I’m not sure that there’s anything I can add at this point.
King: Ok, I’m through playing around. Guards! (gives the signal for their beheading)
Pearl: Father, you must spare me. Has thou forgotten about the prophecy.
King: What prophecy?
Pearl: The one above your head.
King: How long has that been there?
Pearl: The story tells of two brave knights who fall from the sky. And are sent by the king to rid the lamenting town of the evil dragon controlled by the one-eyed wizard. Father, don’t you get it? It’s them. These strangers have come to rescue us, like in the prophecy. (dragon breaks through the wall)
King: How dare you defile my house, demon! (dragon zaps King Krabs and grabs Princess Pearl) Princess Pearl! I’m coming Pearl. Prepare to meet thy maker, foul beast. (dragon flicks King Krabs away)
Spongebob: (at the guillotine) Well, I guess this is it, Patrick.
Patrick: I guess so. I’m gonna miss you, Spongebob. (cries)
Spongebob: I’ll miss you too, buddy. (both cry as King Krabs crashes into the guillotine, breaking it. Dragon takes Pearl away)
Pearl: Daddy, help!!
King: Pearl!! (cries) Can no one stop this madness? (sun shines on Spongebob & Patrick) You two, my apologies. (kisses their feet) Most noble and valiant warriors.
Patrick: I guess this is what you call the royal treatment.
King: May Neptune grant you safety on your perilous journey to the evil wizard’s castle to which no one has escaped alive.
Spongebob: We’re going on a perilous journey?
King: Well, of course, you’re the chosen ones. Huh, what’s this? A lost piece of the prophecy? Hmmm…
Spongebob: Lemme guess, more praise for our heroic stature?
King: Actually, it says I’m suppose to kick you out of here.
Spongebob: Say no more, your majesty. Us manly knights are so manly, we kick ourselves out of places. Come on, Patrick! (kicks self out)
Patrick: Look out trouble! (kicks self out)
Squidly: Well, so much for their company. (plays clarinet)
King: On second thought, you better go with ‘em. They could use the entertainment.
Squidly: Have it your way.
King: Good luck strange ones!
Spongebob: (Spongebob, Patrick, & Squidly are now walking down the road) I know we’re a prophecy and all, but I don’t think we can stop the dragon with our bare hands.
Patrick: Yeah, we need some gloves.
Squidly: Perhaps yonder blacksmith can provide some arms for your battle.
Spongebob: At last, an honest man of the soil. Observe, as a I effortlessly commingle with this brutish native. (enters blacksmith shop) Greetings, iron man. I am Sir Spongebob of Bikini… (blacksmith grabs Spongebob with his tongs)
Blacksmith: I told you people before, I’d have the rent when I have it.
Spongebob: We just wanted to buy some armor.
Blacksmith: Well, why didn’t you just say that? (lets Spongebob go) Hmmm, I’ve got just the thing for you.
Patrick: (holding a helmet) This is awesome. (puts helmet over his already worn helmet) Hey, Spongebob, get out here! (Spongebob walks out standing on metal legs and wearing a big protective helmet) Whoa, Spongebob you look incredible.
Blacksmith: And now for the piece de resistance. (welds a sword for Spongebob) Your sword, brave knight. Hand-forged from anodized dragon’s skin. It is truly a weapon worthy of a knight of your stature.
Spongebob: (struggles) A little heavy, isn’t it? (drops the sword piercing through the blacksmiths chest)
Blacksmith: (laughs) That’s gonna need some stitches. Let me see what I else I got. (searches through a chest of weapons) Unfortunately, all I have in the way of light weaponry is this jellyfish net.
Spongebob: That’s perfect! (later Spongebob, Patrick & Squidly are walking towards the castle of Lord Planktonimor)
Squidly: We doth have a long journey ahead of us.
Spongebob: It’s a good thing I packed us a lunch of delicious krabby patties.
Lord Planktonimor: (looking through a crystal ball) This be the legendary prophecy? (laughs) Oh, that be-eth a wretch. T’would almost insult me would it not be so funny.
Karen: (as crystal ball) Planktonimor, thou art cocky and overly confident with thyself.
Lord Planktonimor: Trusteth in me, Karen. I doth knowest what I am doing. Come hither, boy. (dragon appears) Deliver my demands onto his majesty, King Krabs. (laughs then coughs)
Dark Knight: Halt, who goes there?
Squidly: Doth my eyes betray me? Tis the nefarious dark knight.
Oh dark knight
Spare us please,
Don't cut off our heads
Or boil our knees.
Pray take these two and let me go free
And will give to thee some...cheese!
Spongebob & Patrick: Dark knight?!
Dark Knight: I asketh once more. Before I rip thee limb from limb, reveal thyself.
Spongebob: I am Spongebob and this is Patrick. (laughs nervously) We’ve been sent to rescue Princess Pearl from Planktonimor.
Dark Knight: If thou wishes to get across, thou willst have… (reveals self as medieval Sandy) to get through me.
Spongebob: (gasps) Medieval Sandy! I know how to handle this. With a little karate. (both attack each other but Spongebob swallows Sandy then spits her out into a rock)
Dark Knight: By the hammer of Odem, this be a new fighting style my eyes have not yet seen.
Spongebob: I am bad, oh yeah! Whoo!
Dark Knight: Doth thou tryeth to insult me. Thou willst drink from the fountain of shame.
Spongebob: Pssh, did you hear that Patrick? I told you she sings like a Squirrel. (Dark Knight destroys the armor and throws Spongebob into a rock. Spongebob ends up having his legs and arms switched) Good one, Medieval Sandy. But can you handle my feet of fury? (attacks Dark Knight but the D.K. jumps out of the way as Spongebob bounces off the rock and into D.K. sending her into the other rock. Spongebob attacks her again but the D.K. pins Spongebob against the rock)
Dark Knight: Willst thou like a little rub down? (as she is rubbing Spongebob turns into dust causing the D.K. to cough. Spongebob appears normal again and karate chops D.K.) You have fested me, yellow knight. Strike quick and true, noble sponge.
Spongebob: I don’t understand a word you just said! (laughs. Dark Knight turns into a real squirrel but with x’s for eyes) Uhh, Medieval Sandy, you don’t look so good. Sandy? Sandy… (screen turns black then water is thrown onto the Dark Knight) Patrick, it’s working. Do it again. (Patrick gathers spit and spits it upon her)
Dark Knight: Thou hath spare me kind & noble sponge. And unto thee, I owe a debt of gratitude for I will follow you on your quest to defeat Planktonimor and learn a trifle of that karate.
Spongebob: Yeah, karate! (karate chops Squidly in half)
Henchman: Your majesty! Your majesty! A scroll hath arrive for thee.
King: Thou must hand over thy village and thy throne or thy daughter shall be dipped into a cauldron of lava?! Pearl!! (Pearl screams)
Squidly: That be the shriek of the fair Princess.
Hark the Princess
She screams from the tower,
By the sound of her shrieks
This is her final hour.
Dark Knight: Then time be of the essence. Doth we all remember thy plan.
Patrick: No, uhh, I mean yes. Yes! That’s what I said, heh. Yes.
Dark Knight: Then let us forge on. Make way, heathens. Dark Knight coming through.
Guard: State thy business, Dark Knight.
Dark Knight: These village idiots are conspirators against Master Planktonimor and I needeth to know which form of torture thy master wishes upon these wretched fools. Do I have their limbs tied to horses and swiftly yanked apart. Rip! Or pluck each individual eyelash one by one taking away their every single last eyelash wish. (Spongebob screams)
Guard: Very well, Dark Knight. Entrance be granted. (Spongebob still screaming) Wait! Make a wish. (plucks one of Spongebobs eyelashes)
Dark Knight: Wow, goodsome thinking, Sir Spongebob. Posing as a frat and wee baby in ye ol’ diapers did make it most believable.
Spongebob: Yeah, you think we fooled them? (Pearl screams) Wait, that’s Pearl. I must fulfill the prophecy while you untie Patrick and the royal doophus.
Squidly: That be royal fool.
Spongebob: (running up the stairs followed by the rest of the group) Hang on, Pearl, we’re coming to rescue you! (panting) We’re a-comin. Almost there. Oh, dear Neptune.
Lord Planktonimor: Soon the King’s village will be mine, mine, mine!! (Pearl screams)
Spongebob: (panting out of breath) Unhand her, you fiend!!
Pearl: The prophecy is nie!
Spongebob: We’re here to rescue you, Pearl. Whew! Can I get a glass of water?
Lord Planktonimor: Sparkling or regular? Sike it!
Spongebob: (gasps) You truly are the nastiest wizard in all of Bikini Bottom Shire. Prepare to be vanquished.
Lord Planktonimor: Bring it oneth, nave.
Spongebob: (as he runs to attack Lord Planktonimor, he steps on him without knowing) What the…? Where…? Oh… (laughs) I didn’t see you. You’re so tiny. (Plankton gets up and uses his magic on Spongebob. But Spongebob laughs) That tickles! Tiny powers! Tiny powers! (as Lord Planktonimor is zapping Spongebob, the rest of the group frees Pearl but she crashes through the top)
Pearl: I be-eth ok.
Lord Planktonimor: (Spongebob gets zaps by dragon) Wow…huh? (notices dragon) Yes! Yes! Sicketh them boy! (dragon chases them)
Squidly: Perhaps a soothing lyric will calm thee.
There once was a dragon
So handsome and smart,
He let me go free
For he had a big heart.
<>Squidly: (dragon zaps him) Everyone be-eth a critic.
Dark Knight: Hi-ya!! (attacks dragon but dragon zaps her)
Patrick: No! No! No! (gets zapped)
Lord Planktonimor: Dead end for you, simpleton. (laughs)
Spongebob: Wait a minute. (gets out the jellyfish net and captures the dragon) Wow, the boys back home will never believe this.
Patrick: I’m right here and I don’t believe it. (dragon zaps his way out of the net)
Spongebob & Patrick: No! No! No! No!
Spongebob: Well, I guess this is it, Pat.
Patrick: Yeah. Hey, can we eat those krabby patties now?
Spongebob: Sure, buddy.
Patrick: Yay! (dragon takes the krabby patty and eats it) Hey!
Spongebob: Patrick look! He’s eating the krabby patties.
Patrick: Huh? No! No! No-o-o! The horror. The horror.
Spongebob: No, Patrick, it’s a good thing.
Patrick: It is?
Spongebob: Sure it is. Just listen to him purr. He loves that krabby patty.
Lord Planktonimor: For sooth. What be-eth going on here? Destroy them! Do it now or so help me.
Spongebob: Umm, I’d be more than happy to make you some more of those delicious krabby patties. (dragons zaps Planktonimor)
Lord Planktonimor: Curses. You win.
Squidly: (everyone is at a celebration) Make way. Thy king’s heroes cometh through.
Hark! Ring the bell
Tis all ended well
The dragon is vanquished
The princess returned
And only a few of us got badly burned!
King: Order up! (flips burger so dragon catches it and eats it) Hmmm, I doth wonder if I could sell these, uhh, krabby patties. (laughs. Squidly plays his clarinet)
Citizen: Not that horrible noise.
Citizen #2: Make it stop! (citizen #1 throws a rock through the clarinet which causes the seahorses to launch Spongebob & Patrick into the air and back down where it is now the present)
Medieval Queen: Hey kid, are you ok? That was some fall you had.
Spongebob: Oh, I guess I shouldn’t have agitated that seahorse. That was some dream, huh, Patrick? Patrick?
Patrick: Try telling that to Squidly. (Patrick squished Squidly into an accordion)