Enemy-In-Law - Spongebob Squarepants Transcripts
Written by Tom King, Luke Brookshier & Tim Hill
(everyone screams and points at the plankton robot as it grabs a handful of people in each hand and drops them inside the Chum Bucket)
Plankton: (everyone running around inside) Oh, good, the lunch rush. Now that my ChumBot has dropped you into my clutches, you'll be forced to eat at the Chum Bucket. (everyone stops in their tracks)
Citizen: What?! You mean you kidnapped us just to sell us your fast food?
Plankton: C'mon, it's a standard marketing technique.
Citizen: You little twerp.
Karen: He's right, ya know.
Plankton: Karen?! You think I'm a twerp?
Karen: Well, yes, but I was referring to the kidnapping.
Plankton: Everything I do is always wrong in your eyes.
Karen: Maybe it's because you (are) always wrong.
Plankton: Fine, I'm wrong and you're right.
Karen: You said it, not me.
Plankton: (walking away) Why did I ever install that nagging software?
Karen: Nagging software? I heard that! Come back and dust my screen.
Plankton: Oh, money. You're always there for me. (kissing noisily)
Mama Krabs: Hello, Eugene.
Mr Krabs: Mother! What bring you by today?
Mama Krabs: I just wanted to see my favorite son.
Mr Krabs: How much of my money do you want?
Mama Krabs: Well, I did see the prettiest hat in town today.
Mr Krabs: Oh, look at the time! So sorry to have to rush off. Bye! (pushes Mama Krabs out his office and closes his door) Whew, that was a close one.
Plankton: Why did I ever buy that computer wife? I need a real woman--not a girl in a cold-hearted shell. (Plankton hears Mama Krabs humming outside so he brings down his periscope and through it we can see a real krab in the ocean) Such beauty. She's an angel; and no wires. I've never felt like this before. I don't even know her name and yet she's stolen my heart.
Karen: Plankton?! You've fallen in love with another woman? I'm your wife!
Plankton: You're a W.I.F.E.: Wired Integratred Female Elecrtoencephalograph.
Karen: Oh, you always pull [i]that[/i] one out! "You're not a real wife, you're just a computer!"
Plankton: Aah! Why don't you have an 'off' switch. (sees an off switch)
Karen: Plankton, don't you dare... (turns off)
Plankton And now to woo that beloved creature. (cut to Mama Krabs taking a nap while Robot Plankton is looking through her window. Then the robot grabs her)
Robot Plankton: Roses are red. Violets are blue. World domination has nothing on you. (she screams)
Plankton: Hmmm, I guess she's not a poetry fan. (everyone is running around screaming while the robot is using its eye laser to spell out "I (heart) You" on the ground, but while destroying some of the town when doing this. Mama Krabs reads it and screams a few times) Poetry, love notes--nothing's working. Perhaps something personal. (Mama Krabs is shrieking. The roboto walks over to a rock and karate chops a memorial-like statue of Mama Krabs' head)
Mama Krabs: Am I really that pretty?
Plankton: Oh, yeah...I am smooth. (cut to later in his restaurant by a phone) Just dial the number and ask her to dinner. C'mon, you can do this. (dial tones beeping; Plankton grunting)
Mama Krabs: Hello? (Plankton grunting in the phone) I'm haning up.
Plankton: Wait! This is your secret admirer.
Mama Krabs: Oh, you're that giant robot?
Plankton: (laughing) No. I program the robot. Did you enjoy the gift I sent you?
Mama Krabs: How did you know I wanted a hat? Have you been spying on me? (6 TV screens are set-up to in different parts of Mama Krabs house)
Plankton: It was...just a lucky guess. I've admired you from afar for far too long, my angel. We must meet face-to-face.
Mama Krabs: Well, how about the Krusty Krab tonight at 8:00?
Plankton: Sounds wonderful. I'll be the tall fellow wearing a red carnation. Until tonight, my dear. (cut to Mama Krabs walking into the Krusty Krab)
Mr Krabs: Ah! Quick, Spongebob, swallow me wallet!
Spongebob: Ok. (Mr Krabs shoves his wallet in Spongebob's mouth and Spongebob swallows it)
Mr Krabs: Oh, sorry, mommy. I can't lend you any money. Spongebob accidently swallowed me wallet. (sniffs his mother's hat) Mommy, you got yourself a hat without my financial assistance.
Mama Krabs: Isn't it nice, Eugene? It's just the one I wanted.
Mr Krabs: But, mommy, you shouldn't be spending my inheritence...I mean, since you told me you wanted a hat, I went out and I dug one up. (takes out a hat with holes in it)
Mama Krabs: Where did you get this old thing? (at a funeral where two fish are paying their respects to the person in the coffin)
Fish #1: She looks so peaceful.
Fish #2: Yeah, but wasn't she wearing a hat. (Mr Krabs is seen running out with the hat)
Mama Krabs: You can take this one back to the trash heap.
Mr Krabs: Yes, mommy. (tosses hat and shovel to Squidward) Squidward, I need you to make a return for me.
Mama Krabs: Thank ye for your concern for my finances, but me new boyfriend bought me this hat.
Mr Krabs: Boyfriend? Someone to spend money...I mean time with you? That's wonderful! Who is he? What's his name?
Mama Krabs: I don't know. I'm meeting him here, tonight.
Mr Krabs: Wonderful! I'll stay open late so ye can have a nice, romantic dinner. Run along, make yourself pretty. Spongebob, you're working late tonight. No overtime! (Spongebob lunges himself into the door. Cut to a rose walking into the Krusty Krab where Spongebob is in a waiter uniform)
Plankton: (clears throat) I've reservations for two, tonight.
Spongebob: Right this way, sir. (Spongebob pulls back the chair for Plankton as he jumps up on it)
Plankton: (shouts) Excuse me, I can't reach my silverware!
Spongebob: Terribly sorry, sir. (reaches into his pocket and takes out a miniature table & chair. Places it on top of the big table then grabs Plankton and places him in the chair) Will there be anything else?
Plankton: Is my tie on straight?
Spongebob: You look fabulous! (Mama Krabs walks in) Your gentlemen caller awaits. (Mama Krabs walks up to the table)
Plankton: (pulls rose away from his body) Hello, my dear. I must say you look ravishing tonight. (Mama Krabs notices tiny Plankton)
Mama Krabs: Oh, my, you're a tiny thing, but awfully cute. Tell me about yourself. (sits down in a chair that Spongebob has brought to her)
Plankton: Well, I'm in the food service business. I'm a bit of a restauranter. I'm the founder and owner of the Chum Bucket.
Mama Krabs: Never heard of it.
Plankton: It's across the street.
Mama Krabs: Doesn't ring a bell.
Plankton: It's on the back of the phone book. C'mon, I paid a lot of money for that ad! Nevermind. Nevermind. I'd like to hear about you.
Mama Krabs: Well...
Mr Krabs: Plankton!
Mama Krabs: Eugene!
Mr Krabs: Mommy?
Spongebob: (jumps in the air) Spongebob!
Mr Krabs: Spongebob...
Plankton: This delectable creature is [i]your[/i] mother?
Mr Krabs: This no-good conniving chiseler is your date?
Spongebob: And this devilish handsome sponge is your waiter.
Mr Krabs: Spongebob! I don't know what sort of skullduggory you're up to, Plankton, and I'm not waiting to find out. (picks up Plankton by his antenna)
Mama Krabs: Eugene, you put me boyfriend down, this instant!
Mr Krabs: But, mommy...
Plankton: You heard the lady. Let me go. (Mr Krabs drops him into Mama Krabs hand)
Plankton: That's more like it.
Mama Krabs: Come, Plankton. I'm sorry me son had to spoil our romantic evening.
Mr Krabs: Mommy? (cut to Plankton cleaning a picture of Mama Krabs then in walks Mr Krabs) You!
Mr Krabs: I came to warn you, Plankton. Stay away from me mother. I know what you're really up to.
Plankton: I'm serious, Eugene. I've changed my ways. And all it took was the love of a beautiful woman.
Mr Krabs: All you love is thieving and conniving. Now, stop trying to get the formuler out of me mother.
Plankton: What are you talking about?
Mr Krabs: I'm talking about the krabby patty formula!
Plankton: Your mother knows the krabby patty formula?
Mr Krabs: Don't play stupid with me. Of course she does. It's an old Krabs family recipe. And you're not family! (Plankton frowns) I'm telling you for the last time: stay away from me mother. (walks out)
Plankton: Not family, eh? I can fix that. (cut to Mama Krabs walking into the Krusty Krab)
Mama Krabs: Eugene.
Mr Krabs: Mommy.
Mama Krabs: What did I tell ye about interferring in me life?
Mr Krabs: Mommy, can't you see? He's trying to seduce the krabby patty formula right from under you.
Mama Krabs: For your information, Eugene, he hasn't asked me once about the formula. I doubt that he even knows that I know it.
Mr Krabs: (chuckles) Uh, yeah...funny thing about that.
Mama Krabs: I forbid ye to interfere in me private business. Go to your office, now!
Mr Krabs: Yes, mommy. (walks into his office)
Plankton: Somebody call heaven because I think an angel's gone missing.
Mama Krabs: Oh, Sheldon.
Plankton: Oh, Mrs Krabs.
Mr Krabs: Oh, brother.
Plankton: Attention, attention everyone. I'd like to make an announcement. Mrs Krabs, in full view of this restaurant, I ask you for your hand in holy matrimony.
Plankton: Would you marry me! (big dimaond ring shown up close)
Mr Krabs: Ahh, that's it. No more hiding in my room like a scared little kid. It's time to act like a man. (pretends to jump at Plankton)
Mr Krabs: (jumps in his mother's lap) Please don't marry him, mommy. Don't marry this bad, bad man. I don't want you to!
Plankton: Too late Krabsy. We're going to be married. And you're gonna be my new son! (laughs maniacally. Mama Krabs hands the ring back to Plankton) Huh? What's this, honey bunch?
Mama Krabs: I am flattered by your offer, really I am, but I'm just not ready for that kind of commitmend. (Mr Krabs laughs)
Plankton: What is this? There's somebody else, isn't there? (Robot Plankton stomping thunderously)
Robot Plankton: I...I...this is very uncomfortable. I'll just wait in the car.
Plankton: I don't believe this. You led me on!
Mama Krabs: Now, now, Plankton, it's not what ye think.
Plankton: I don't want to hear your lies! You owe me for leading me on like this. Give me the krabby patty formula and we'll call it even.
Mama Krabs: The formula? Is that what this whole thig was about?
Plankton: No, no, not really. I mean, not at first. I mean uh...honey bunch? Uh-oh. (Mama Krabs shows her muscles, which show as ships cannons. She punches Plankton back to the Chum Bucket) Oh, well, 'tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all! (Plankton ends up flying into the ON switch of Karen)
Plankton: So, you decided to come crawling back to me, huh?
Karen: (a lazer machine comes down) What did you say?
Plankton: (chuckles nervously) Nothing, dear.
Karen: (zaps him) Yeah, that's what I thought you said, honey bunch. (Plankton groans)