Krabs vs Plankton - Spongebob Squarepants Transcripts
Written by Tim Hill, Mike Mitchell, Vincent Waller
(Open on the Chum Bucket. A clam crows like a rooster. Cut to a close-up of Plankton's face. He has his eyes closed, and then slowly opens them to show its veins.)
Plankton: (drearily) And so passes another sleepless night, haunted by my inability to steal even a single Krabby Patty. (Gets up and walks to his computer wife, Karen)
Karen: Maybe today will be the day?
Plankton: Thank you for your patronizing words, computer wife. (Walks towards the doors of the Chum Bucket)
Karen: Do you even have a plan?
Plankton: Plan, schman. I'm going to wing it. What's the worst thing that could happen?
(Bubbles rise, transitions to the Krusty Krab. Plankton walks through the door.)
Plankton: I'm in. That was easy. Maybe today is the day I'm going to steal the Krabby Patty formula...(He slips and falls into a puddle of water)
Spongebob: Careful, I just mopped there.
Mr Krabs: (Walks towards them) Look at you, Plankton. Once again you've fallen flat on your back in a pathetic attempt to steal me formula. (Holds a Krabby Patty in front of his face) Though you've tried and tried, you haven't had the smallest nibble of my delicious formula. (Plankton tries to bite it, but Mr. Krabs takes it away) And you never will! (Laughs) How do you sleep at night, knowing you're a complete failure? (Walks away laughing)
Male Customer #1: (Talking to the person next to him, commenting on the wet floor SpongeBob was mopping) There really should be a "Wet Floor" sign.
Male Customer #2: Yeah, if that were me who slipped, I'd sue old man Krabs for all he's got.
Plankton: Does that include the Krabby Patty formula?
Male Customer #1: Of course.
Plankton: (ponders the thought and then fakes an injury and starts screaming) Oh, the pain! I can't feel my arms and legs; I think they're broken. I'll have to sue for my pain and suffering.
Mr Krabs: (bursting through his office's door) Sue?!
Female Customer #1: Oh, that looks bad.
Male Customer #3: Uh-oh
Female Customer #2: Poor little man.
(SpongeBob and Patrick enter the frame and look at each other. Transition to ambulance workers carrying Plankton in a gurney)
Mr Krabs: Wait! Hold up a second! Plankton, we don't need to drag this little incident into court, do we?
Plankton: Well...if you transfer the Krabby Patty formula to me, I'll forget your gross negligence.
Mr Krabs: Scoundrel! You'll have me formula when you pry it from me lifeless claws!
Plankton: (laughs menacingly, then points at Mr. Krabs) See you in court, Krabs! Uh, I mean...(stops pointing) oh the pain! The deep-frying pain!
(The ambulance workers carry the gurney off and the scene transitions to the inside of the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs is pacing back and forth, with Squidward and SpongeBob near him.)
Mr Krabs: I'm in a blue ruin. I'm doomed!
Spongebob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I will do whatever it takes to keep the Krusty Krab formula from getting into Plankton's evil hands.
Mr Krabs: What I really need is a good lawyer.
(A lawyer with a gray suit, hair parted to one side and wearing glasses zooms into the frame)
Lawyer: Hello, did somebody say "lawyer"? (Holds out his business card) Richard A. Bottomfeeder, Attorney at Law. I couldn't help but notice that despicable display.
Mr Krabs: So, uhh, how much is this going to cost me?
Richard: Actually, I won't charge you a dime unless we win.
(Mr. Krabs' eyes turn into American dollar signs.)
Richard: In fact, I think we should counter sue for everything Plankton owns.
(Mr. Krabs' eyes turn into gold bars. The weight on them makes him fall over.)
Richard: (points at Mr. Krabs) Does that happen a lot?
Spongebob: No, they're usually silver.
(Scene transitions to SpongeBob strolling into Mr. Krabs' office)
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs?
Mr Krabs: What is it, lad?
Spongebob: I thought you might want to hear my testimony for when you call me as a character witness. I've been rehearsing it.
Mr Krabs: Actually, SpongeBob, we won't be needing any testimony from you. Why, you'll be more of a...(Richard whispers into his ear) of a liability than an asset.
Spongebob: But I...
Mr Krabs: Ah, run along. Make things ship-shape for my victory celebration. I've got to get to the courthouse early. There's only a few free parking places.
(The lawyer grabs his briefcase and walks outside the door with it.)
Richard: Oh, this is going to be a slam-dunk...(he slips and falls on the floor)
Spongebob: Oh no! Mr. Krabs' lawyer! Speak to me!
Richard: (weakly) Writhe...with pain...can't move
Spongebob: But what about Mr. Krabs's case?
Richard: Looks like you're going to have to handle this one, son.
Spongebob: But, I'm a...a liability.
Lawyer: Everything you need to win (a part of his body snaps) is in this here case (shows SpongeBob his briefcase).
Spongebob: (swipes the case from him) Really? Everything?
Richard: Uh huh. Everything but a suit.
Spongebob: A suit? Wonder where I could get a suit.
(Scene changes to the Bikini Bottom Court House. Mock television courtroom cases sounds. Plankton in a wheelchair enters the courtroom and precedes to Mr. Krabs)
Plankton: I'll give you one last chance. I'll drop the charges if you give me the formula.
Mr Krabs: (yelling) Never, you little runt! (The court audience gasps)
Plankton: (dramatically) Oww, oww! My little arm! (Audience gasps)
Mr Krabs: What? No. I didn't lay a claw on him.
Plankton: Oww! My other arm! (Audience gasps)
Mr Krabs: He's lying! Bah!
(Judge's gavel knocks and the two proceed to their desk)
Bailiff: Court will come to order. The Honorable Judge Tickleback presiding.
Judge: Mr. Krabs, where is your attorney?
Mr Krabs: (hesitantly) I don't know where he could be.
(The courtroom door bursts open, with SpongeBob standing there in a gray suit, similar to the previous lawyer's.)
Spongebob: Here I am!
Judge: Thank you for joining us, Mr....uhh...
Spongebob: (placing his briefcase on the desk) SpongeBob LawyerPants, your honor.
Mr Krabs: (Through his teeth) What are you doing here, SpongeBob?
Spongebob: Your lawyer, umm, fell down on the job, but don't worry Mr. Krabs, I have everything under control. It's uhh, all in here (rubs his briefcase).
Mr Krabs: Really?
Spongebob: Yep, right in here (tries to unlock the briefcase, but can't).
Mr Krabs: Is there a problem?
Spongebob: Umm...your lawyer didn't give me the combination.
Lawyer: Is the plaintiff ready to proceed?
Plankton: Yes, your honor. I'll try. (Moves his wheelchair to the jury box. He "owws" in pain on the way there.) I wasn't always the tortured shell of protozoa that writhes in pain before you today. (Starts crying) I was a vibrant, carefree, happy-go-lucky, single cell.
(SpongeBob tries to split the briefcase in half, but splits himself. Mr. Krabs leans over.)
Mr Krabs: Pull yourself together, boy.
Plankton: Then came the fateful day that I paid an innocent visit to the deathtrap known as the Krusty Krab.
Mr Krabs: How's it coming lad?
Spongebob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I'm on the case. (Takes a kitchen knife and tries to pry open the briefcase)
Plankton: Upon entering said establishment, I found myself without any warning, slipping and finally falling onto a hard, unforgiving floor (SpongeBob continues with the knife) that had been intentionally (the knife shoots him to the light on the roof) covered with a viscous fluid.
(SpongeBob puts a bomb head on his head)
Spongebob: Bombs away! (He drops onto the briefcase like a bomb, but nothing happens. SpongeBob drops off the desk and onto the floor.)
Plankton: (clears throat) Are you quite finished?
Spongebob: Mmm hmm.
Plankton: Where was I? Oh yeah...but the worst part is, my dreams of completing a marathon like I promised my old' Grammy have been dashed. (Cries some more) I'm...I'm sorry Gram-gram! Sorry!
(The jury starts crying)
Plankton: Thank you for your kind attention. (Moves away and starts talking in his normal voice) Suckers.
Judge: Does the defense (wipes away tears) have any opening statement?
Spongebob: Yes, your honor. (Starts crying) Poor Gram-gram!
(Transitions to Mr. Krabs on the stand)
Plankton: (presents a "wet floor" sign to Mr. Krabs) Mr. Krabs, can you identify this item?
Mr Krabs: It's a "wet floor" sign.
Plankton: Do you own one?
Mr Krabs: Uhh...well...umm...No, I don't. (Everyone gasps) No, no. You don't understand. I had to make some tough business decisions and the sign seemed so superfluous.
(The jury and audience talk amongst each other, with some blurts of "guilty" said)
Plankton: No more questions.
(SpongeBob tries using a screwdriver to open the case)
Judge: Your witness, Mr. LawyerPants.
Judge: Sometime today, Mr. Pants.
Spongebob: May it please the court, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. My client has been called cheap (Mr. Krabs starts sweating), miserly and chronically tight-fisted. But, if he were as cheap as the prosecution claims he is, would he be able to sit there quietly, while I took out a dollar (takes out a dollar) and dropped it in a blender (drops the dollar in a blender)? (Mr. Krabs gasps. SpongeBob presses the "obliterate" button on the blender.)
Mr Krabs: No! No-ho-ho! (Runs and grabs the blender. He starts grabbing the piece of shredded dollar from the air) Daddy's got ya. Daddy's here. (The jury talks amongst themselves) A little glue, a little tape. It'll be right as rain. (He walks off, but then walks back to pick up a stranded piece of dollar) Daddy didn't forget ya.
Judge: Does the defense have any witness to call?
Spongebob: Yes, your honor. Defense calls Squidward to the stand.
Mr Krabs: (rests in his chair) Ahh, Squidward: a loyal employee.
Spongebob: Mr., uhh, Squidward, is it? My client has been called cheap. Would you agree with the ludicrous statement?
Mr Krabs: What!
Spongebob: Allow me to rephrase the question. Can you tell the court of some instance of Mr. Krabs' generosity in any way?
Squidward: Nope. Can I go now? One day off in three years and I have to spend it testifying? (The jury talks amongst themselves)
Mr Krabs: (Looking scared, he starts taking a nail and hammer and tries to open the briefcase) Must...open...case.
(Transition to SpongeBob question something else)
Spongebob: So it was you who made the floor slippery, wasn't it?
(The questioned is a mop and does not answer him)
Spongebob: Answer the question! Need I remind you that you, sir are under oath?
Mr Krabs: I'm doomed.
(Transition to SpongeBob still trying to open the briefcase)
Mr Krabs: You may as well give up on that case, me boy. My goose is cooked.
Spongebob: (gasps) Mr. Krabs, I'm surprised at you. We can't give up just because things look bleak. This trial will be won by what's in your heart, not what's in this dumb old case. (He hits the case. The case then opens up) It's open!
(They lift the case.)
Mr Krabs: It's...
(Shows that the thing inside the briefcase is a Krabby Patty)
Mr Krabs: It's just his lunch. Or is it?
(A light bulb moves out of SpongeBob's head and starts glowing)
Spongebob: Defense calls Plankton to the stand.
(Later, when he's on the stand)
Spongebob: Why did you go into the Krusty Krab that day?
Plankton: To, you know. Say hello to my once good friend, Mr. Krabs. What?
Spongebob: Are you sure it wasn't to make off with one of these? (Shows Plankton a Krabby Patty. Plankton starts licking his lips.) Gotcha. Weren't you there to steal the formula of the most delicious, sweet smelling sandwich known to Bikini Bottom? Krabby Patty.
Plankton: (continuously sweating) Uhh...uhh...uhh (tries to bite the sandwich, but SpongeBob takes it away. He takes off his fake casts) I can't take it! Gimme! Gimme, gimme, gimme! (Jumps for the sandwich and grabs it. He starts running off, yelping) Finally, it's mine!
Mr Krabs: (Grabbing the sandwich from Plankton) I'll take that!
Plankton: Huh? No, no!
Mr Krabs: Once again, Plankton, the sweetest of life's joys has eluded your grasp. (Eats the Krabby Patty)
Plankton: No, no, no!
Judge: (bangs gavel) Has the jury reached a verdict?
Head Jury Member: We have, your honor. We find the defendant not guilty...but he is cheap.
Mr Krabs: Thank you, SpongeBob. I was foolish not to accept your help from the beginning.
Spongebob: That's o.k. Mr. Krabs. I made you a present.
Mr Krabs: A present? For me?
Spongebob: Close your eyes and hold out your hand. (Mr. Krabs does so. SpongeBob gives Mr. Krabs a "wet floor" sign with many nails in it. Mr. Krabs grabs it and starts yelling in pain.) It's a "wet floor" sign. I made it myself.
Mr Krabs: Well, it'll do. After all, it's free!