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Shell of a Man - Spongebob Squarepants TranscriptsWritten by Mike Bell
and Paul Tibbit
(In the Krusty Krab kitchen, SpongeBob is crafting a Krabby Patty.)
SpongeBob: Easy... (He takes all the ingredients and throws them into the air. They land as a properly formed Krabby Patty.) SpongeBob: Perfection! Squidward: (Through ordering window) Is number 5's order ready yet? SpongeBob: Just a second, Squidward. Well, Krabby Patty, it's time for you to go now. (His eyes tear up and he sniffles.) SpongeBob: You grew up so fast, I-I... Oh, I promised myself I wouldn't do this! (He cries and gives the patty to Squidward. He mourns over the lost patty.) SpongeBob: Just take it Squidward, take it away. (He sobs even louder.) Squidward: Oh, brother. (Over loudspeaker) Number 5. Number 5. SpongeBob: That's me! (He eats the Krabby Patty.) SpongeBob: Mmm! My compliments to the chef! (He laughs and slides into the kitchen. Then, he sees something.) SpongeBob: Hello, what's this? (We see Mr. Krabs' eyes in the kitchen door window.) Mr Krabs: Come out here, boy. SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs? (Mr. Krabs grabs SpongeBob by the legs and pulls SpongeBob under the dumpster.) Mr. Krabs: Hush, boy. Or you'll give away the secret location of me hidey-hole. SpongeBob: What's a hidey-hole? Mr. Krabs: It's where I hide me treasure. (He rolls the dumpster aside and tosses SpongeBob out of the hole.) Mr. Krabs: Catch! (SpongeBob catches a treasure chest that Mr. Krabs launches at him. Then, Mr. Krabs gets out of the hole and puts the dumpster back.) Mr. Krabs: Let's get that chest to me office, boy, pronto! SpongeBob: What's in this thing? Treasure? Mr. Krabs: A treasure trove of sorts. It's me memory chest from my years in the navy. (Cut to Mr. Krabs' office, where SpongeBob falls backwards and is shot into Mr. Krabs' desk by the treasure chest. His face is indented where the treasure chest hit him.) SpongeBob: Why'd you dig up your navy chest, sir? Mr. Krabs: Well, me navy buddies and I are having a reunion. And I wanted to wear me old uniform. (He uses a strobe to open the chest, revealing all sorts of mementos from the navy.) SpongeBob: Wow, look at all your cool navy stuff! What's that? (Mr. Krabs picks up a piece of his old shell with a tugboat on it.) Mr. Krabs: It's me first tattoo. SpongeBob: Neat! (Mr. Krabs removes a trophy with a flexing, muscular fin on top of it.) Mr. Krabs: ...And this is me "Manly Toughness Trophy". SpongeBob: How'd you win that? Mr. Krabs: By being the toughest of the tough! SpongeBob: Wow! Ooh! Ooh! Who are those guys? (He refers to a picture of Mr. Krabs with two sailors on either sides of him.)< Mr. Krabs: Me shipmates! The toughest bunch to ever sail the briny deep! There's Ol' Iron Eye and Mutton Chop, me, Torpedo Belly, and Lockjaw Jones. (Upon closer look, Iron Eye has, well, an iron eye. Mutton chop has a deep underbite and uses a wrench for support. Mr. Krabs is leaning on a spatula, Torpedo Belly is in an orange undershirt with a submarine torpedo shoved half-way through his stomach. Lockjaw Jones has a metal jaw and leans on an anchor. When we see a close-up of him, we hear a tugboat honk.) SpongeBob: Did you have a cool nickname, Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs: Of course! I was old "Armor Abs Krabs". (He taps on his shell, making a metallic clanking noise.) SpongeBob: You were? Mr. Krabs: What do you mean? SpongeBob: Well, I guess you were thinner back then. Mr. Krabs: Oh, really? (He takes his white navy uniform.) Mr. Krabs: This is me navy cadet uniform. Prepare to eat your words 'cause I haven't put on more... Than a... Couple of... Pounds! (He struggles, and gets it on. But not without ripping the back of it.) Mr. Krabs: OK, maybe I'm a bit bigger. But I'm still the toughest of the tough. Go ahead, lad, give me a punch. SpongeBob: You want me to punch you in the stomach? Mr. Krabs: Not in the stomach, lad! In the armor abs! (He taps his shell. Then, SpongeBob uses all his strength to punch Mr. Krabs, causing his arm to crumble and fall onto the floor.) SpongeBob: Wow! My entire arm disintegrated! Mr. Krabs: I still got it. Now be a good lad and go get your station in ship shape. And leave an old sea-dog to revel in his memories. SpongeBob: Aye, aye, sir! (He opens the kitchen door.) SpongeBob: Alright, let's get this place ship shape. You men-- Stop laying around! (We see a sack of potatoes.SpongeBob pours french fries into the frier.) SpongeBob: To battle stations! All hands on deck! (He puts Krabby Patties on the grill.) SpongeBob: Set course for full flavor! (Turns a knob on the grill. He walks on the pumps for the condiments, squirting the condiments onto Krabby Patties.) SpongeBob: Ketchup and mustard off the portbow! One Krabby Patty ready to set sail! (SpongeBob hols up a Krabby Patty on a plate.) Mr. Krabs: (From his office.) NO!!! (SpongeBob drops the Krabby Patty, startled.) SpongeBob: (Gasps) Mr. Krabs! (Cut to him knocking on Mr. Krabs' office door and it creaks open because of the knocking.) SpongeBob: Hello? Mr. Krabs? (He walks up to the unmoving body of Mr. Krabs at his desk.) SpongeBob: You alright? Are you sleepy? (He pokes Mr. Krabs' body, and it crashes to the floor. We see he has holes where his eyes, nose and mouth should be.) SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!!! (He sniffs Krabs' wrist.) SpongeBob: I don't smell his pulse! (We see something dart somewhere in the shadowy background.) SpongeBob: What was that? (We hear a groaning from behind a barrel.) SpongeBob: Is somebody there? Mr. Krabs: Don't look at me! (We see a veiny, squishy, pink arm reach out from behind the barrel.) SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs: Leave me be! (He throws away the barrel to reveal it is indeed Mr. Krabs. But he's now soft, pink, and squishy.) SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! You're alive! ...And... Naked... (Mr. Krabs begins to cry.) Mr. Krabs: It's true. I've molted. SpongeBob: What's (Pronounces shakily) Mol-ted? Mr. Krabs: It's when a crab gets too fat... Well, err... I mean, outgrows his shell. It falls off. SpongeBob: Wow. Mr. Krabs: Armor Abs Krabs can't show up at the reunion like this! All pink and soft and unmanly. I'm all flab. And no ab! SpongeBob: Barnacles! Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! SpongeBob: Sorry about the foul language, Mr. Krabs, but you're acting like there never was a man in that shell. The Krabs of his navy days was fearless. He wouldn't let something as insignificant as a missing shell slow him down. Mr. Krabs: Yeah. SpongeBob: Who cares how silly, pink & fleshy you look. How nonthreatening, limp & soggy you are! How... (Mr. Krabs becomes discouraged and cries more.) SpongeBob: ...Oops. Mr. Krabs: I can't go anywhere ever again. Stupid, no good piece of... (He kicks shell into the wall which ricochets and the mouth hole covers SpongeBob's head. SpongeBob screams, falls upside-down, and slips into the shell.) SpongeBob: Wow, it sure is dark in here. (He stuggles to get his eyes out the eye holes and his nose out the nose hole.) SpongeBob: Look, Mr. Krabs! I'm you! Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're a genius. SpongeBob: Well, I'm glad you got my point. It's not what's about on the outside. It's what's on the insi- Mr. Krabs: No, you barnacle brain. Not your silly metaphor! You in me shell! It gives me an idea. You can go to the reunion and pretend to be me! SpongeBob: I get to be a navy buddy? Mr. Krabs: Course, you'll need some time to proximate me personality. SpongeBob: Oh, that'll be a snap. Squidward and I have been doing it behind your back for years. (He chuckles nervously.) Mr. Krabs: Alright. Show me what you got. (SpongeBob yanks on his nose and lets it go, so that it's wavy like Mr. Krabs'. Then, he speaks as though he were Krabs.) SpongeBob: Ahem. Look at me, I'm Mr. Krabs. I love money! Mr. Krabs: See? That ain't half bad. SpongeBob: I once won a marathon because someone dropped a penny at the finish line. Mr. Krabs: That's me. (He points to his nose and laughs.) SpongeBob: Every night, I tuck me wallet in and tell it a bedtime story. (He pulls covers over the wallet that's in a miniature bed.) SpongeBob: Good night, wallety! (As he kisses the wallet, hearts appear.) Mr. Krabs: Yeah. OK. I get the point! SpongeBob: Ooh, what's that you say? Me daughter, Pearl, needs an operation? I'll do it meself and save a nickel. (He pulls out a handsaw and laughs.) Mr. Krabs: That'll do, SpongeBob. (Still in Mr. Krabs' shell, SpongeBob scuttles over to the Bikini Bottom Convention Hall. The signs say "Welcome, Navy Buddies!") SpongeBob: Well, here goes noth- Wow! I've never seen so many manly naval men! (We see the navy buddies doing different activities such as one naval man, who is lifting a barrel with a woman on top of it. Another navy man is balancing a monkeywrench on his tongue.) SpongeBob: So tough, so brave, so... (We see two navy men butting heads.) SpongeBob: ...Clever! And I'm one of them! (Mr. Krabs pops out of a purple potted coral plant.) Mr. Krabs: No, you're not. Don't blow this for me, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: I won't let you down, sir. (A navy buddy of Mr. Krabs' sees SpongeBob.) Mutton Chop: Armor Abs Krabs! Come join your navy buddies in a toast! SpongeBob: (Girly voice) Coming! Mr. Krabs: Oh, what have I done? (SpongeBob runs over to a table where Iron Eye, Mutton Chop, Torpedo Belly & Lockjaw Jones sit.) SpongeBob: OK, boys! Let the "S.S. Party" drop anchor right here! Mr. Krabs: I've created a monster! Lockjaw Jones: Here's some grog. (He hands SpongeBob a wooden mug.) Lockjaw Jones: You still like pineaple, right? SpongeBob: Like pineaple? I live in one. (Mr. Krabs, still hiding in the coral plant, burries his face in his claws as everyone laughs.) Torpedo Belly: That Ol' Krabs is manly as ever! Mr. Krabs: I don't believe it! SpongeBob is pulling it off! Mutton Chop: Hey, Armor Abs! Ol' Iron Eye here has been itching to punch your legendary gut. (Iron Eye punches his own hand.) SpongeBob: Well, if you think you're man enough. Mr. Krabs: Uh-oh. This could be bad. SpongeBob: Fire the torpedos! (Iron Eye punches SpongeBob, who flies around the inside of Mr. Krabs' shell, ricocheting off the sides off it. He pops back up, still pretending to be Mr. Krabs.) Mutton Chop: What do you say, Krabs? Just like old times. (SpongeBob spits out a tooth.) Lockjaw Jones: A tooth? (SpongeBob spits out 3 more.) Torpedo Belly: Teeth. Now that's manly. (SpongeBob coughs up his skeleton. Everyone cheers.) Mr. Krabs: He did it! (Up on stage, the elderly navy captain gives a speech.) Captain: Alright, me swabbys! It's time to award the Trophy of Manly Toughness to a man who's toughness has stood the test of time. That man is: Mr. Eugene "Armor Abs" Krabs! Come up here, Krabs. All: (Chanting) Armor Abs Krabs! Armor Abs Krabs! Armor Abs Krabs! Mr. Krabs: This is the best night of my life. Me naval buddies still think I'm manly! And I didn't have to shame myself! SpongeBob: Thanks for the trophy, everybody! (He laughs like Mr. Krabs, still disguised in his shell.) All: (Chanting) Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! SpongeBob: I... Uhh-huh... (Tugs on his collar.) Mr. Krabs: Come on, say something! SpongeBob: Let me spin you a manly yarn. Mr. Krabs: 'Atta boy. SpongeBob: So there I was, in Jellyfish Fields... Mr. Krabs: I'm doomed. SpongeBob: Me supply of bubble soap was dangerously low. And as I blew my last bubble... Mutton Chop: Did he say Jellyfish Fields? Iron Eye: Blowing bubbles? Mutton Chop: Uhh, what were you doing in Jellyfish Fields? SpongeBob: Why, jellyfishing, of course. All: Huh? Mr. Krabs: Umm, uhh... Phone call for Mr. Krabs! (SpongeBob is confused and looks to the back, where Mr. Krabs peeks out of the coral plant. He motions to SpongeBob.) Mr. Krabs: Get off the stage. SpongeBob: Oh, well I gotta go. Uhh, thanks. (He runs off the stage in a hurry. But the navy buddies surround him.) Torpedo Belly: Where do you think you're going? Everybody knows there's 2 things Ol' Armor Abs Krabs would never do. Mr. Krabs: Oh, no. Torpedo Belly: Number 1, is spend a penny. And the other one is... Leaving without giving Ol' Torpedo Belly one of your world famous steely belly-butts. Ha-ha! SpongeBob: Oh, I thought you'd seen me through this rouse. I mean, arrgh! You don't think I was just gonna collect this here Trophy of Manly Toughness without reminding you lilly livers why you give it to me in the first place! Let's have at it! No holding back. Give it your all. Mr. Krabs: I can't watch. (SpongeBob and Torpedo Belly bang their stomachs together, sending the shelled SpongeBob flying.) Torpedo Belly: Armor Abs? (SpongeBob lands on a banner, which stretches and sling-shots him back into Torpedo Belly. We hear a metalic "CLANG!", and the shell cracks. Then, it shatters and falls into dust on the ground. Everyone sees SpongeBob and get angry.) SpongeBob: Well, uhh... I guess I'll take my Manly Toughness Trophy and head home now. See you up around Manville boys, uhh... Men! (He collects the trophy as Torpedo Belly growls at him.) Mr. Krabs: NO!!! (Mr. Krabs jumps out of the coral plant to reveal his nakedness and shell-lessness.) Mr. Krabs: He's not Eugene Krabs! I am. (Everyone gasps.) Mr. Krabs: Alright, lads, take a good look. This... (Gestures to himself.) Mr. Krabs: ...Is who I am. I've molted me shell and now I'm... Vulnerable. (He cries, but quickly stops.) Mr. Krabs: But I'm certainly no bubble-blowing jellyfisher. No offense, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: None taken, Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs: Come on, lad. Let's go home. Mutton Chop: Wait a minute! You've forgotten something. (He passes the trophy to Mr. Krabs.) Mr. Krabs: I don't understand. Mutton Chop: Admitting you lost your shell... It was the toughest thing I've ever seen. And, uhh, I have a confession, uhh... (He rips off his sideburns.) Mutton Chop: These are fake! SpongeBob & Mr. Krabs: Huh? Torpedo Belly: Over here. Mr. Krabs: You, too, Torpedo Belly? Torpedo Belly: Actually, I had my torpedo removed. Long ago. Lockjaw Jones: And these aren't the same chompers... (Removes false teeth.) Lockjaw Jones: ...That I had in the navy. Iron Eye: My iron eye is actually made of formica. (Everyone laughs at themselves.) SpongeBob: Look at that, Mr. Krabs. Your navy buddies all had something to hide! Mr. Krabs: Yeah. Poor suckers. (Whispers to SpongeBob.) Mr. Krabs: At least my shell will grow back. (Both laugh until the end of the episode.) The End |
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