Thommay’s HeadSpace

So, I just spent the past half hour writing a long e-mail to my parents. It’s funny, y’know? You move out and you realise why you were such a rotten kid sometimes. I mean, I feel I put my parents through a lot of unneeded crap as I was growing up based around my sexuality, my lack of self confidance, my social problems… man, there’s a lot. I hope they respond well…

This poem speaks volumes to me about my life right now… I’m feeling this poem right now, like I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting for years. It’s funny how you can’t seem to articulate how you feel for yourself, but man…it’s nuts when you find someone else that can do it for you. Here’s to you Dave.

Here’s to you, dear
By: Tin-Char D’Un AKA: David

Here’s to anyone who ever loved.

Here’s to anyone who ever gave it their all, only to find it wasn’t enough.

Here’s to those of you who, despite the warnings of others, refused to back down for one second; refused to believe for even an instant that it wouldn’t work; that someone or something could take away from you that which you loved the most.

But what if that overwhelming force - the one thing that could break you down, chew you up and spit you out - what if that one thing came from inside the other half of your perfect partnership? What if, in holding on so tightly, you didn’t uncover your eyes for long enough to see the truth? The truth that sometimes there’s a time and a place for everything; that if it’s really meant to be, you have to give it the room to breathe; to grow.

Here’s to all of you who ever waited, and waited still. And still more.

Here’s to all of you that didn’t return; to all of you who weren’t returned to.

Here’s to all the waiters; the waited for.

I’ve given myself completely. I’ve opened myself up to you in ways you can’t begin to imagine. I’ve made myself vulnerable - a target - and for what? To sit and wait. And wait still. And still more.

So here’s to us. I’ll wait, and you know it well. Take your time, do your ‘thing’, just don’t forget those who wait for you.

Here’s to you, dear.

Have you ever wondered, in the shadows of our mind, why it is that we feel as if we’re standing next to a great mountain? Why does it feel like we’re standing in a river with water flowing around our ankles? Why does it feel like the weight of the world is crushing down like a viper squeezing tight… I’ve been wondering if the theroy that we travel spiritually, body to body, lifetime to lifetime isn’t true. That we try to get close to the same spirits over the years. I’m wondering this because I’ve really started to feel ancient lately and I’m only 19 so there’s no way that I could explain this feeling any other way. Am I really a product of my past lives? Have I really worked up through the different levels of life to be granted this time around as a human? Is this my first time as a human? If not, why am I gay this time? Did I get the short end of the straw? Am I being given a challenge? Am I someone sent here to change lives? Why do I feel like I’m stuck in perfect balance between hell and heaven?

Perhaps soon I’ll get my answers.

Okay, I’m sick and frellin’ tired of coming in second in the personal relationship catagories around the outpost. And no, I really don’t care about the really strong loving relationships that turn into people getting married. I’m just frustrated that every single friggin’ time (save for two times, thank you Obi-To’ Kenobi and Brady!) I’ve fallen in second place in the whole bickering ‘no! come visit me first! I’m more important.’ Well, I say **** it. (yes, I edited that myself preposting.) Friendships are great and I really value them but I’m really getting tired of people complaining that someone else got the visit first or that someone else put someone else in priority and I getting the short end of the stick! So, in this case, I’m saving up and doing a couple stops in Europe sometime soon and I’m going to meet people there if I can from OTF. And if you have something to complain about my meeting them before you or gasp even the thought of someone meeting me before you, you can send it to the trash bin, cause I don’t want to hear it anymore. Kapiche?

So, once more I’m single. Well, I’ve been single for about two weeks now. I’m really not impressed with myself. *sigh* I mean, I really don’t know why I let myself do it. I’m either fighting to open myself up and let people in or when it comes down to it, I find someone that I can finally let in and then it doesn’t work out because they’re never there when I need them. *slams head against pillow* What’s wrong? Where is my love life? Why am I single? My sisters are both in nice decent long term relationships with great men. So, where’s my golden relationship? Why do I feel so disconnected? Why do I have a million and one questions? I’m just so tired of it all.

So, I finally get two days off! YAY! Too bad they’ll be wasted around the house doing laundry. I mean, what kind of job gives it’s employees their weekend on a Wednesday Thursday?! Ah well, that’s the terror of working in a hotel. Right now, I’m stuck in a conflict. I only have finances to do one trip this year - fortunatly, I’ve decided that I’m going to be tripping in Septemeber…which leaves me with two options. Do I go unionise in the US or do I go explore Ireland like I’ve wanted to for the longest time? Either way I get the benefit of meeting people. I mean, if I decide to go to Ireland I’m sure some OTFers’ll travel and we can setup something there too. *sigh* It’s a tough choice.

And along the lines of tough choices, I’ve been having a great deal of conflict with my ex-boyfriend. Why must exs be so difficult?! I mean, he’s the clingy type that never let me have space who somehow managed to twist every thing that went wrong during the relationship into my fault AFTER the relationship. Our mutual friend, my best friend, is on my side - she knows I did the right thing. I’d like to give the finger to him… but I shant. There’s so mand wierd things too - like my random headaches… this super deja vu thing happening (I mean entire days of deja vu…)