Hey Michelle,
I just thought I’d take the time to write you on this very early hour because I haven’t spoken with you in a rather long time. I’m starting to appreciate more and more the life that ‘adults’ live day to day. Going into work each and every day putting in countless hours without very much thanks. Then taking your hard won money and sinking it into living expenses leaving you with very little money left over to go and do what you actually want to do. *sigh* It’ll be worth it in the end when I can finally afford my trip to Ireland or perhaps my laptop computer that I’ve been trying to save up for…unsuccessfully.
I feel like Owen Sound is a million years past. I feel like I’ve been living my life in hyperspeed and that I’m slowly starting to forget that warm blanket kinda feeling that I had while I was living in Owen Sound. Call me nuts, but I’m starting to realise all the oppourtunites that I have in Owen Sound still - should I ever decide to return there. I mean, I know a lot of the important people around the Owen Sound area which is kinda nice because I know if I ever really needed a job I could go ask the City for one somewhere if there was an opening.
Is it strange for a 19 year old to suddenly feel like he’s ancient? I’ve been starting to wonder about things like that. I feel like I’ve already left my schooling behind, even though I know I’ve got to go back to college if I really ever want to go somewhere big. I’ve got all these ambitions a whole world I want to see, but I feel as if my spirit is like an aged person already dictating their memoires to a young attendant to be published because his fingers can’t seem to type quickly enough. I feel like I’ve expierenced life in it’s completeness already. I’m waiting for some big spark to come by and light up something new, but every where I turn I don’t see anything new and exciting to entice me. I see the same old room, in the same old tired upper level appartment. I get up each and every morning…check my e-mail, have some food, talk to some friends either on the phone or MSN…go to the same job in the exact same uniform, see the exact same problems and answer the exact same questions. Same shit, different day is a phrase that I’m becoming all too familiar with. It’s as if someone’s hit a giant pause button on my life and I’m waiting for whomever hit the pause button to return back to the sofa so that I can continue to live my life.
Even the simple things have become monontonous. Showering, brushing my teeth for example (I haven’t given up on them…) but they really seem like something I do just because the world expects me to fall into this rhythem and fufill a role in society. Yet - while I do this, I feel like something just isn’t right. I feel as if fate is holding her breath waiting in fearful anticipation for something in my life to change dramatically. I don’t know what it is, but the last time I felt this feeling, nothing good came out of it.
I know it sounds like I’m insane but I really do trust my instict and I believe in ESP. It’s really the only way I can explain how I’ve had so many wierd and unexplained things happen in my life. I mean, the other day I thought I saw my best friend in my window, yet, he lives in Stratford - how can somebody be in two places at once? Well, then I realised I was lucid dreaming and that I was just sleeping and being so sure I was awake I could control the dream. It’s bizarre, a lot of my dreams recently have been a lucid dream. I feel as if I’ve been walking through some sort of mirror that really isn’t a mirror - it’s hazy…but liquidy, much like mercury.
Another thing that really concerns me is the state of my former highschool. Things really have been coming apart at the seems so I’ve heard. Council’s down the shitter, the music department is devoid of energy and spirit, I heard that administration was starting to do random drug screenings?! I’ve heard murmers that all the good I tried to do while I was at OSCVI for GLBT students really didn’t last long. I’m told that the homophobia’s up around the Owen Sound area. Why do I get the feeling that now that I’ve left I’ve taken along with me a few key cards that were holding together the card house? I never really thought I’d ever think this but I’ve learned enough about myself outside of the Sound and I’m ready to come home. I don’t want to live with my parents - I’m past that…but I do need to get a good job there.
I never really thought I’d last long in London. I thought it would be financial issues…but here it seems like I found my calling. I really think that I’m supposed to do something profound in Owen Sound. I just have this gut feeling that I’m to take one of my wild ideas and put it into practice sometime in Owen Sound. Did you know that I thought about running for Mayor at one point? I quickly realised that the idea was obsurd. No one would want to elect such a young candidate. But damn - imangine if.
I feel like I’ve got so much more to say to you yet, but yeah - enough about me! What’s new with you? How’s your family? I really miss our lunches together, you should come down to London sometime and I’ll take you to this great place called the Mongolian Grill - it’s fabulous!
Hope to hear back from you soon!
Tom
Boy wonder lost in London.