Thommay’s HeadSpace

This poem speaks volumes to me about my life right now… I’m feeling this poem right now, like I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting for years. It’s funny how you can’t seem to articulate how you feel for yourself, but man…it’s nuts when you find someone else that can do it for you. Here’s to you Dave.

Here’s to you, dear
By: Tin-Char D’Un AKA: David

Here’s to anyone who ever loved.

Here’s to anyone who ever gave it their all, only to find it wasn’t enough.

Here’s to those of you who, despite the warnings of others, refused to back down for one second; refused to believe for even an instant that it wouldn’t work; that someone or something could take away from you that which you loved the most.

But what if that overwhelming force - the one thing that could break you down, chew you up and spit you out - what if that one thing came from inside the other half of your perfect partnership? What if, in holding on so tightly, you didn’t uncover your eyes for long enough to see the truth? The truth that sometimes there’s a time and a place for everything; that if it’s really meant to be, you have to give it the room to breathe; to grow.

Here’s to all of you who ever waited, and waited still. And still more.

Here’s to all of you that didn’t return; to all of you who weren’t returned to.

Here’s to all the waiters; the waited for.

I’ve given myself completely. I’ve opened myself up to you in ways you can’t begin to imagine. I’ve made myself vulnerable - a target - and for what? To sit and wait. And wait still. And still more.

So here’s to us. I’ll wait, and you know it well. Take your time, do your ‘thing’, just don’t forget those who wait for you.

Here’s to you, dear.

Have you ever wondered, in the shadows of our mind, why it is that we feel as if we’re standing next to a great mountain? Why does it feel like we’re standing in a river with water flowing around our ankles? Why does it feel like the weight of the world is crushing down like a viper squeezing tight… I’ve been wondering if the theroy that we travel spiritually, body to body, lifetime to lifetime isn’t true. That we try to get close to the same spirits over the years. I’m wondering this because I’ve really started to feel ancient lately and I’m only 19 so there’s no way that I could explain this feeling any other way. Am I really a product of my past lives? Have I really worked up through the different levels of life to be granted this time around as a human? Is this my first time as a human? If not, why am I gay this time? Did I get the short end of the straw? Am I being given a challenge? Am I someone sent here to change lives? Why do I feel like I’m stuck in perfect balance between hell and heaven?

Perhaps soon I’ll get my answers.

Okay, I’m sick and frellin’ tired of coming in second in the personal relationship catagories around the outpost. And no, I really don’t care about the really strong loving relationships that turn into people getting married. I’m just frustrated that every single friggin’ time (save for two times, thank you Obi-To’ Kenobi and Brady!) I’ve fallen in second place in the whole bickering ‘no! come visit me first! I’m more important.’ Well, I say **** it. (yes, I edited that myself preposting.) Friendships are great and I really value them but I’m really getting tired of people complaining that someone else got the visit first or that someone else put someone else in priority and I getting the short end of the stick! So, in this case, I’m saving up and doing a couple stops in Europe sometime soon and I’m going to meet people there if I can from OTF. And if you have something to complain about my meeting them before you or gasp even the thought of someone meeting me before you, you can send it to the trash bin, cause I don’t want to hear it anymore. Kapiche?

So, once more I’m single. Well, I’ve been single for about two weeks now. I’m really not impressed with myself. *sigh* I mean, I really don’t know why I let myself do it. I’m either fighting to open myself up and let people in or when it comes down to it, I find someone that I can finally let in and then it doesn’t work out because they’re never there when I need them. *slams head against pillow* What’s wrong? Where is my love life? Why am I single? My sisters are both in nice decent long term relationships with great men. So, where’s my golden relationship? Why do I feel so disconnected? Why do I have a million and one questions? I’m just so tired of it all.

So, I finally get two days off! YAY! Too bad they’ll be wasted around the house doing laundry. I mean, what kind of job gives it’s employees their weekend on a Wednesday Thursday?! Ah well, that’s the terror of working in a hotel. Right now, I’m stuck in a conflict. I only have finances to do one trip this year - fortunatly, I’ve decided that I’m going to be tripping in Septemeber…which leaves me with two options. Do I go unionise in the US or do I go explore Ireland like I’ve wanted to for the longest time? Either way I get the benefit of meeting people. I mean, if I decide to go to Ireland I’m sure some OTFers’ll travel and we can setup something there too. *sigh* It’s a tough choice.

And along the lines of tough choices, I’ve been having a great deal of conflict with my ex-boyfriend. Why must exs be so difficult?! I mean, he’s the clingy type that never let me have space who somehow managed to twist every thing that went wrong during the relationship into my fault AFTER the relationship. Our mutual friend, my best friend, is on my side - she knows I did the right thing. I’d like to give the finger to him… but I shant. There’s so mand wierd things too - like my random headaches… this super deja vu thing happening (I mean entire days of deja vu…)

So, I just got home… *sigh* I’m rather tired. My feet are sore and my alergic reactions are getting stronger and stronger. I really need to figure out what’s irritating my skin, or if it’s just dry skin. I feel so blah. I haven’t been to the gym in ages. I wasted today entirely, I mean… I woke up, put on Smallville Season Two (OMG! It’s so good!) and lay in bed watching it all day. My room’s a mess again - why can’t I seem to keep it clean? I mean, it’s not that big of a deal… I dunno…it’s just nuts. Call me crazy, but yeah. And I feel totally drained by the end of the day somedays. I really need to make sure I get TWO days off in a row. I’m feeling so blah so quickly. I mean, I don’t feel healthy. I need a vacation - or something to go RIGHT for once. I feel like I’m barely keeping up in my real life - the outpost isn’t much of a strain anymore now that I’m not worried about being in the chats all the time. I can handle all the administrative stuff…writing proposals …making sure that Minas Tirith gets done. (more…)

Hey Michelle,

I just thought I’d take the time to write you on this very early hour because I haven’t spoken with you in a rather long time. I’m starting to appreciate more and more the life that ‘adults’ live day to day. Going into work each and every day putting in countless hours without very much thanks. Then taking your hard won money and sinking it into living expenses leaving you with very little money left over to go and do what you actually want to do. *sigh* It’ll be worth it in the end when I can finally afford my trip to Ireland or perhaps my laptop computer that I’ve been trying to save up for…unsuccessfully. (more…)

Hey everyone,

I just found this great page from the Gator GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). It’s rather funny if you can take the time to see the sarcasm in it. One of my favourite ‘brochures’ yet is this one: I think I might be straight…

Enjoy!

‘ello everyone, I’m in the market for a webdesigner to design Nobbe’s Headspace. I’ve got a few ideas that I’d like to be put into play, but I simply don’t have the expertise to do it. Leave me a comment or an e-mail and then YOU can help me out. =) Cheers.

Hey, welcome to my headspace! I’m probally going to be one that’ll be quite infrequent with my writing on here, but that’s okay. You’ll all have to be held in suspense as I write more and more and more. You’ll all love it. Soon you’ll see that Captain Nobbe isn’t at all who he appears to be. He’s CWAZZZZY! Alright, so I don’t drink as much as Brady - but I still do get drunk once in a blue moon…sorta. Infact, I have to go pee right now so yeah, you’ll just have to deal with this as being the short introductory post. Yes, I do realise that I gave you a rather HUGE too much information in there, but you love it. You’re all my adoring fans. So, I’m pretty easy going with my blogspace. As such, if you have a comment, post it. It’ll appear as soon as I get back to say ‘yay!’ someone left me a post-it note on my quarter’s door! *smiles* So, y’all play nice and enjoy now. By the by, I hope to see a comment here by the time I finish the next episode of Smallville!